Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
Wow, this really is a rambling stream of consciousness chapter. I honestly don't think it's all that interesting, but there are some bits/thoughts/conclusions which are pretty important.
Plus its a build up to the big reveal. It'll probably be in either next chap or the one after. There's a few other things I know I would do if I was her, to take advantage of the misconception of age before it's ruined, which will be in next chap. If it's fit in well enough, the reveal will be in the same chap.
once more, no editing done.
Anyways, Thank you so much for reviews, favs and follows! Let me know what works, what doesn't work for you, and any prompts for me to fit in at some point.
Chapter 14 - It's Easy, All You Need Is
Something that my mother had found endlessly frustrating about me once I'd gone to live with her, was my complete inability to trust. She would scream at me sometimes, having had the fallout of my lack of trust land in her lap out of no where, that she was the parent and not me- that I had to trust her or she couldn't help me. I would stare at her without comprehension, as she asked from me something that I couldn't remember ever having given anyone.
How was I supposed to trust her when I didn't know what trust even was outside of it's written definition? She looked at me and my behaviour, and claimed that I didn't trust. I looked at my behaviour and all I saw was the same that had always been there, completely baffled at how it was any different than anyone else. She asked for me to trust her and I didn't understand.
With hindsight I could look back on that, and know that it was because I thought my emotions were something that simply happened to me, largely outside of my control. Things happened and I felt briefly happy, things happened and I felt briefly sad, things happened and I felt briefly angry, things happened and I felt briefly what I thought was love. I assumed something was supposed to happen for me to feel trust that clearly she wasn't doing.
It wasn't until I was exiting my second bout of depression, when it was explained to me that trust was not an emotion that occurred to me. Trust was a choice, it was something that one chose to do once and then had to keep choosing over and over again. It was something I thought was completely irrational, and asking for inevitable betrayal. But the same person told me, that betrayal did not exist anywhere but in my head based upon my expectations not being met, and if I could go my entire life choosing not to trust, surely I could also go my entire life choosing not to feel betrayal.
After that, I chose to trust my sisters and I never regretted it.
A week after I threw myself into getting better as much as I could, I watched DFB support me in doing so, never once leaving my side if he could help it. With building appreciation, I saw him choose me over and over again, in little ways and big ways. Even when I was lost in the depths of my apathy, or was drowning in unhappiness, a part of me was constantly keeping an eye on him.
He didn't falter once that I saw, and approached my emotional struggles with an endless quiet patience and dedication, that I couldn't stop watching. I felt something about it but I didn't know what. All I knew at the time was that if it truly didn't touch me, I wouldn't have noticed at all. Eventually as I got better, I felt impressed, and then as my feelings developed into more than just a fuzzy white noise in the background, I realised I was humbled by his dedication to me.
The only person who had been so relentlessly there for me was my mother, but even that was for my sisters and I combined. I venerated that woman, and made no apologies for it. But no one had ever showed such unwavering loyalty to just me.
So I faced my expectations of him, which I had automatically and subconsciously tagged on as conditions for trust, and picked them apart for analysis so that I could dismantle them entirely. The first thing that I came face to face with was the reality that DFB was a part of a hierarchy in the military dictatorship, of which I was now a part of. Child soldiers were not abhorrent here, traitors were day to day realities he faced, and I didn't believe in 'nice dictatorships' no matter what they looked like from the surface. Nevertheless, this was a place DFB was staunchly loyal to, and I had zero guarantee he was more loyal to me than he was to Konoha, just because I was of his blood.
Realistically, I could choose to vastly play down my intelligence and how developed I was, in the hopes that it would save me from scrutiny and completely minimise risk to my safety. However, I didn't kid myself that I could trick a man who was trained since a child to spot such subterfuge in behaviour. On top of that, with the presence of stupidly young child soldiers, he wouldn't be inclined to underestimate me due to age.
Exposure of my lies could bring down far more scrutiny on my shoulders than anything else, alienate DFB, and completely fuck myself over. Even if I succeeded, I faced living a life not having a single person I trusted fully to tell the truth- it was a one way ticket to eventual depression and anxiety again.
I could also not downplay anything at all, but completely cover up the fact that I was literally an adult in a child's body, with a life time (albeit cut short) of memories and experience. I had a better chance of getting away with this due to the pure absurdity that was the truth. The only issue with that, was that a part of me railed at the idea of keeping my past and the people who mattered to me a secret like it was something shameful. Additionally, if I wanted to escape from depression entirely, I would need to talk about shit, and DFB was one of the few people I thought cared enough about me, that he wouldn't be inclined to blab to higher ups, whilst also having enough emotional depth to lend me the sort of ear I needed.
Then came the reason I viewed blabbing to higher ups as betrayal; Danzo. If this world was anything like my original world had described, particularly concerning the under the table deals, and behind the curtains shady shit, Danzo was either a present and powerful threat, or someone/multiple people like him existed. Right here in Konoha. Whom Sarutobi had given power to, and turned his head the other way or sanctioned their actions.
They had links to the other shady fuckers, and if it got out that I potentially knew secrets that they would not want sharing, I was in serious shit. Those secrets that I was possibly privy to were an excellent way to power play. But I wasn't interested in that, because I'd be playing against men twice or three times my age at least, with much greater experience at it. It was an almost guaranteed loss. So the closest I could get to a guarantee of my safety regarding that, was keeping completely silent on it. Which wouldn't be all that difficult since it wasn't like Naruto had been a significant part of my life until I was reborn.
All I had to do was not mention one tiny aspect which was previously not at all significant. The rest of the truth was a risk I had to be willing to take, if I ever wanted to trust someone. I had to make the choice to trust DFB with the knowledge that this was my second life, in a new universe, with full understanding that there was a chance he would tell the wrong person entirely, and I would be forcefully sucked into a world of shinobi to be killed or turned into a pawn, or watched very carefully for the rest of my life.
It came down to the fact that I simply didn't want to live a life filled with only secrets. This was my second run of things, and I wanted to do things my way. Fuck the consequences.
So I watched the man who humbled me, and I chose to trust him.
I wasn't stupid about it- I was still well aware that despite the chance I had taken, DFB sharing my past was not a desirable outcome at all- and figured that he was much more likely to be emotionally invested in my wellbeing, particularly the risks loose lips could do to it, if he had time to get to know me better, to spend more time with me, to become more open to the idea that there was even a secret there in the first place.
Although I carefully didn't hide anything from him, I certainly did not go spilling it all the moment I had the vernacular for it. Especially because, in the case of me needing to persuade DFB not to go running off with the information, I'd need to be able to appeal to his emotions. In order to do that I needed my ability to cognitively empathise in tact, which it definitely was not when I was deeply depressed.
Instead, with strong faith in his loyalty for the time being, I allowed myself to focus almost completely on getting better. I forced myself to talk to him, and taught him English words so that we could communicate faster. I forced myself to walk alongside him when we were out, despite my internal anger at how fucking stupid and limited the fucking body I wore was. I went to him for comfort, and didn't fuss that he barely let me alone. I let myself become interested in the written language, and didn't suppress myself when he taught me.
At first Gai was a loud, overwhelming, obnoxiously exhausting presence, which I couldn't even bear to contemplate acknowledging. But eventually, we found common ground in the games he taught me- especially Go, which I had only learned how to play a few weeks before I died. I accepted the parts of them that they showed me, and showed them parts of me as well.
Bit by bit, far too slowly for my impatient self, but unwaveringly nevertheless, my head began to clear from it's heavy fog, the body felt more awake, I was able to do more in a day without crashing, and I could have more and more moments in which I had enough energy to contemplate someone other than myself.
I had always thought that even without the person intending for it to be, depression was inordinately selfish. I was never more selfish than when I was depressed, regardless of my intentions, and from what I had witnessed others were the same. It was with almost visceral relief that my world expanded beyond just myself, to take a proper look at what was around me.
I began to watch those around me from the safety of DFB's arms, and learn. I analysed what the women wore- how much skin they exposed, how different people reacted to that, and how they themselves acted. I analysed what the men wore- how much of it was practical vs cosmetic, who noticed, how did they react. I observed the cultural differences between the shinobi and the civilians, and how they responded to each other. I saw how adults responded to little boys vs little girls, the way they were dressed, what games they played, the language used to speak to them or about them. I saw how attitudes changed toward shinobi and civilians as they got older.
I compared the quality of the teeth and skin of civilian and shinobi, higher class and lower class. I saw the body posture and gestures common amongst the rich vs the commoners vs the poor. Who gave way to who in the street and why? Who was ignored, who was noticed, who was whispered about reverently, or with disapproval. Who was feared and who was approachable. What sort of age did people marry and who did they marry? What were the jobs and who took them?
Which animals were considered pets and which were pests? What was considered punishable, and what were the punishments? What was a crime and what was merely taboo? What were the attitudes toward sex, who could you have it with and when? What was the family structure of a civilian family or a shinobi family or a wealthy family or a poor one?
Was homosexuality a norm, something done in secret, a taboo or illegal? What was considered beautiful vs sexy vs pretty vs comely vs cute vs handsome? How were disabled, both mentally and physically, people treated or talked about? Which groups joked about what and to whom?
Whose opinion was respected and why and whose opinion was invalid and why?
All of these things and countless others I watched and pulled apart and learned. I searched for the obvious differences and similarities in our respective cultures, and then I looked for the more subtle ones. With each thing I observed, the near constant plans in my mind ticked away. I ripped little pieces of people from their whole that I could wear myself, and underneath the surface, I built a persona who would be as exempt as possible from the prejudice and expectations of society.
I had painstakingly done the same in my last world. Slowly, painfully, driven by social anxiety, fear and the constant ache of feeling like a rejected outsider. Eventually, I realised it wouldn't matter if I had the greatest facade in the world, I would always feel like that unless I changed something fundamental about the way I saw the world and myself. With more work, I did, and I became so much more confident and comfortable in myself having been through years of turmoil and doubt about my place. However, that didn't change the fact that I had been left with an excellent, almost ingrained, persona which I saw no reason not to wield freely and with enthusiasm.
It had saved me from a lot of bullshit I saw other people go through, and I was more than willing to do the same for this world.
DFB saw all of this, and if I wasn't imagining it, he approved.
As my health improved, my internal world expanded from one to three; myself, DFB and Gai. With every nuance that they went out of their way to learn about me, with every time they purposefully or accidentally made me smile and laugh, for every minute DFB held me close, or Gai came out with something surprisingly perceptive before racing around Konoha with me in his arms, my heart opened up to them just a little bit more.
The little things began to make me appreciate the fact that we knew parts of each other that no one else did; it was obvious in the way that DFB stopped wearing his mask at home, so that I could see his lips move to help me understand what he was saying, and the way Gai had made a hobby of capturing every significant moment with me on camera, in the way that neither of them made a big deal out of the fact that there was something so obviously different between me and other kids, in the way that DFB without mentioning it spoke to me in englanese- easily keeping track of what words I did or did not remember, it was in the way that both of them would automatically play catch with me as the ball if they thought I looked down.
It started as a quiet realisation on the day that DFB went to test his doomed Genin team; I dangled upside down from Gai's hands and screeched with laughter as he flipped me mid air to catch me the right way up, we paused for a moment as I caught my breath and my beam was almost as large as his. Something small in the back of my thoughts whispered to me, that this was love.
I neither rejected, nor accepted that thought for the time being, and simply left it for later. As it sat there, the thought built each time I thought about Gai or DFB. I felt love when I was with them.
DFB was thoughtful and introspective when he came to pick me up. It wasn't too unusual of him, but there was an air of seriousness around him when he looked at me that was usually absent. We made eye contact, and something built in the air that I thought was anticipation. I wasn't too worried, when I saw the strong fondness (love) that radiated from him alongside everything else.
My thoughts raced in that moment. Love was something I could feel for many people, certainly, but it was also something that would fade again, and which if I wanted to I could ignore almost entirely while it was present. That was, unless I chose not to. Choosing to love DFB was not so easy as that, it had implications. The love I chose was obsessive, protective, intense, occasionally frightening for some, loyal, unwavering and unconditional.
I never chose to love anyone I hadn't already chosen to trust. But I already trusted DFB, and I trusted Gai too. If I chose to love them, DFB in particular, they would become everything to me. My reasons for living, my main priorities in life. I was a very self indulgent, self absorbed and selfish person. I knew that those were the words which were often attributed to me by those who got a prolonged look underneath my personas. Cool, aloof, Machiavellian, were used by the people who liked and respected me. My saving grace had always been how open I was in my adoration of my loved ones. With some rare exceptions, my attitude was me and those I loved came first and fuck the rest.
And so loving DFB became as easy as that, regardless of implications. I stared at DFB, allowing the rest of me to become present to my conscious choice, feeling the wave of complete and utter awe wash over me until I could barely breath.
"I love you. God. I- I really love you."
The emotion was suffused in my voice, and I could tell DFB knew what I had said, but I hadn't taught him the word love in English, and so the stupid bastard tilted his head in order to stall for time.
"What does that word mean? Love." His tone purposely light and almost uncaring.
Unperturbed, I lifted my arms, and he obligingly picked me up. He was too tense, and too still for me to be convinced of his act.
I placed my hand over my heart, and then over his. "Love. It's an emotion. I love you."
I could see his nonchalant demeanour strain at the edges, the corner of his eye crease slightly like when he was overwhelmed with positive feelings and didn't know what to do about it. His lips parted slightly as he struggled for breath for a moment. He looked out the window, and took another quick inhale, before making eye contact with me again.
"I see. I...love you," there was a rough edge to his throat, and impulsively I leaned forward to peck his cheek.
"Thank you, for everything, tou-san." A choked noise escaped him, and he squeezed me tight against his chest, burying his face in my hair.
Something was growing underneath the fantastic feeling, but I didn't pay any attention to it for the time being. Whatever emotion or issue I had knocked loose could be dealt with later. For now, I simply revelled in the moment.
She's not entirely well yet, but she's gotten past the worst of her depression. The last things that come limping in when recovering from depression are sense of humour, prolific bad language, creativity, inspiration and spontaneity for me. Not quite there yet :)
How do you think Kakashi will react to finding out his child is a reincarnated adult woman?