The Expense of Spirit
1. Bananas
"The expense of spirit in a waste of shame/Is lust in action; and, till action, lust/Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame…"
-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 129
The brilliant afternoon sun awaited Yoh as he jogged his way to the crest of the hill that was his neighborhood's namesake. It was unseasonably warm, and for once his shirt was buttoned up all the way, but he hadn't even broken a sweat. It was actually quite a lovely day, but Yoh was oblivious to his surroundings. His mind, believe it or not, was back in the classroom he had left not so long ago. Not because he was turning over a new leaf academically, mind you, but because of what one of his classmates had done — a classmate with whom he happened to be cohabitating.
He was replaying her in his mind as he barged his way into the En Inn and hurried his way upstairs. I'm Anna from class 9-B, and today for communication class, I'll be giving a presentation about safe sex.
Yoh quickly made his way to the bathroom as he mentally fast-forwarded past a part of the discourse that involved words like chlamydia and urethritis until Anna was saying, Condoms are the only method of birth control to offer protection from these diseases. She paused to bend over to reach into her bag for some props, and by doing so, gave Yoh a front-row glimpse of her rather shapely rear.
Upon recalling that detail, Yoh could tarry no longer. He caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. His face was flush with excitement. He knelt down and rooted around in the cabinet under the sink, knocking over several objects as he did. After a moment he came away with an old, nearly empty bottle of baby oil.
He knew he would have to be quick — his jog home had bought him maybe ten minutes before Anna would return. His headphones found an impromptu home beside the sink. He fumbled with the buttons on his shirt and pants as he shifted his focus back to his memory of Anna:
Be sure to put the condom on the right way. If it doesn't unroll, it's backwards. Throw it away and use a new one. Before putting it on, make sure the penis is fully erect.
Yoh didn't need to look down to know he was, in fact, fully standing at attention to Anna's words.
To demonstrate the proper technique, here is a banana. Some snickers came from the audience as she continued, With your fingertips, unroll the condom as far as it will go.
Yoh squeezed a little baby oil onto his hand and closed his eyes. He imagined Anna unrolling a condom onto his hardness with her soft fingertips, and before long he was stroking himself slowly, thinking of Anna at first, but letting his mind wander as his physical body indulged itself in pleasure.
Yoh, like most guys his age, was constantly in a state of desire — desire of carnal delights, certainly, but of other things, too, like a sanctum sanctorum from the world and his insecurities and fears. One of those insecurities, fittingly enough, was firmly grasped in his right hand just now.
Also, like most guys his age, Yoh was unsure of how he measured up. The only point of reference he had, aside from his classmates' boasts, was the banana from Anna's demonstration — a benchmark of which he knew, without even looking, he would fall well short. The thought of Anna liking, or even accepting, what he was packing aroused him almost as much as Anna herself did.
Yoh had gone a little soft from letting his mind wander, but thinking of Anna again firmed him back up. In his mind she was fully clothed in her usual black dress, but with a rare smile. It was a true testament to her beauty and his love that, in that decidedly non-suggestive state, she still aroused him so. Then she spoke.
"Nice technique."
The world halted for a single beat as it dawned on Yoh that it wasn't the imaginary Anna talking to him in his head.
"Jesus tap-dancing Christ!" Yoh yelped, hoping that the pause hadn't lasted as long as it had felt. He turned away from the doorway and groped blindly behind himself until he felt a towel in his grasp. In a flash he wrapped it around his waist. Shame burned at his face, but he knew he would have to turn around and face the music. Slowly, he did so, preparing himself for the worst…
"You're still pitching a tent there, buddy."
Yoh couldn't decide whether to cover his crotch or his face. In the end, he settled on sinking to the floor, which he strongly hoped would swallow him up and let him die without further humiliation.
He stayed there, mouth full of cotton balls, for what seemed like several minutes. He knew Anna was still there, because her body was blocking the light from the doorway, but couldn't bring himself to look at her. He felt as if he had been caught transgressing against something as inviolable as his relationship with Anna.
"Yoh. Get up."
His compliance to her orders was by now an instinct. Against his better judgment, he rose and, for the first time that afternoon, looked at Anna. She was leaning against the doorframe, still carrying her school bag, her expression inscrutable.
"Damn, I didn't think you'd be this embarrassed."
Yoh had been preparing himself to bear the brunt of another trademark Anna tirade. Instead she seemed almost contrite.
"Yoh, I had to do a bunch of research for my presentation earlier today. I know pretty much every guy does it."
He hadn't let his guard down quite yet. "What? You're not mad?"
"I mean," Anna replied, "I am wondering why you didn't even close the door, but no." She stopped leaning against the doorframe to put her bag down and shrug. "As long as it doesn't interfere with your training or your chores, what do I care?"
"You're … you're really not mad?"
Anna rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Really. I'm not mad. I'd hope you'd extend the same courtesy to me if you caught me -"
As soon as the words left her mouth, a shocked expression crossed her face. A hand went to her mouth instinctively, but not even an itako could will the spoken words back into her lungs from whence they had come.
Yoh, for his part, was remarkably quick on the uptake. "Wait … you do it too?"
She tried to walk back her statement. "I meant, hypothetically, if I were to do such a thing, that is —"
Yoh could see Anna's color rising. "See?" he asked. "It's pretty embarrassing for you, and we're just talking about it. Imagine how I feel. You saw me full-on choking my — oh God, I'm so embarrassed …"
Anna tried her best to be stoic, but Yoh looked so distraught. She knew she was partly to blame — she could have walked past and pretended not to have seen anything, and he would have been none the wiser.
So she screwed up her courage and said, "Yoh, really, it's no big deal. We're going to be married someday. I was going to see your dong sooner or later."
He managed a weak smile. "So you saw it, huh? No chance I was quick enough with the towel?"
Anna was now quite clearly blushing. "Well, yeah, I got a pretty good look."
This admission seemed to crush Yoh. He buried his face in his hands.
"Yoh, what's wrong?"
He was silent for a second, but couldn't keep it to himself any longer. "I … I know it's small, okay? I was just hoping you wouldn't find out before you absolutely had to."
Shock registered on Anna's face at that confession, but it abated quickly. "Yoh, you idiot, where'd you get that idea?"
"Well, you know, all my friends say they have big ones, and that banana, it's pretty big too …"
"Your friends? Yoh, come on, you know they're full of shit, right? And the banana is just so the people in the back row can see."
"So … wait, can I ask you something?" Yoh looked into Anna's eyes, and he gave an involuntary shudder. "You know what? Never mind."
But something in Yoh's eyes tugged at Anna. "It's okay, Yoh. Ask away."
"Have you ever," he asked in a quavering voice, "um, used a banana —"
"Dear God, no," Anna interrupted emphatically. "That would hurt. I'm not made of Silly Putty® down there, Yoh."
"Oh, okay." Yoh looked relieved.
"Wait," Anna said after a moment. "The banana … Were you actually paying attention in class for once?"
"Anna, I could watch you all day." Oops. "Umm, I mean, forget I said that."
"You dummy." Anna smirked. She could feel herself flushing again. "So you like watching me, huh?"
Yoh decided he had nothing to lose by telling the truth, and Anna had been honest with him about the banana. So he took a deep breath and answered, "I love watching you every chance I get. Your presentation in front of the class was like a gift from the Great Spirit. I couldn't take my eyes off you, Anna."
It was Anna's turn to look flustered, and not just because of Yoh's confession - she had one of her own to give. "Yoh … I like watching you, too."
"Aww, thanks, Anna. You can watch me anytime!" Yoh flashed a cheesy grin, but didn't pick up on the way Anna couldn't meet his eyes.
"Well," she said after a moment's hesitation, "I just did. For quite a while, actually."
The smile faded from Yoh's face as he realized what she meant. "Wait. How long were you standing there?" Desperation welled up in his eyes.
"A - a couple minutes," she admitted sheepishly.
"A couple minutes?!" Yoh spluttered. "Why, oh God, why?" He sank to the floor again, overwhelmed.
Anna saw Yoh's mortified expression and felt consumed by guilt and sympathy. "I know I should have let you have your privacy, but I couldn't help myself." She knelt beside Yoh and put an arm around his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Yoh."
Anna's rare apology had a disarming effect on Yoh. Without thinking about it, he candidly admitted, "It's okay, Anna. I don't really mind, I just - I want you to like me so bad, you know? And I feel like now you've seen me at my worst. You caught me touching myself, and now you know about my small-"
"Yoh!" Anna interrupted forcefully. "Stop saying it's small. It's not. And don't worry about getting me to like you. I'm not the type to waste my time with guys who don't meet my standards. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere."
She turned around and faced Yoh. "And finally … there's nothing wrong with touching yourself, Yoh. In fact," she continued, "come with me. I have something to show you."
Anna rose and extended a hand to Yoh, who, somewhat taken aback, took her hand tentatively. With a surprisingly firm tug, she helped him to his feet. He wondered where she was leading him, but as he discovered, it was a very short walk. He didn't have long to ponder it.
"Something to show me in my own room?" Yoh asked, understandably confused.
"You bet," she said, tossing her bag to the floor and lying down on Yoh's leaf-print bedroll. "I know I embarrassed you, Yoh, and I want to make it up to you. I want to show you that touching yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. And I know you said you like to watch me, so…"
Yoh looked on in stunned silence as Anna started to unbutton her school uniform. "Watch me."
To be completed in Chapter 2