Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
Hey everyone. Next chapter up. I really didn't know how this was going to go, so I just sort of wrote. In the case of Kakashi if you don't think it sounds quite like him speaking, it's probably because of two reasons 1, I'm not Kishmoto 2, He has a uniquely open and feels filled relationship with Subaru, even when he's mad at her that's not going to stop. So he's going to talk different.
Also in terms of the progression of their relationship, my intention was always to remove the easy child parent labelled relationship through her honesty, and remove the restrictions involved in almost any relationship in which there are conventional roles and expectations attached.
Subaru goes out of her way to either take advantage of society's labels or detach them from herself entirely. She was never going to be fully happy in the long run playing daughter when she saw that it didn't have to be like that, and also thought of it as a lie.
I hope you'll stick around as the next stage for them works itself out ;)
Also English spoken words are underlined and Japanese spoken words are normal.
Finally thank you so much for the awesomeness of reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works and what doesn't work so well for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.
Chapter 17 - There Is No Right Way
Kakashi stared unseeing at the memorial stone, his hands in his pockets. His tranquil appearance belied the raging storm he was hiding. He was so mixed up inside, he didn't know what to think or feel. There was rage, blame, sadness, grief, betrayal, fear, dread... so many more he couldn't identify.
He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go home and face the personification of his problems. So he didn't yet- he stayed out in front the memorial stone for hours, just letting his tempestuous emotions blaze and trying not to think.
Eventually, the silence of his mind and surroundings calmed the inferno inside him, and slowly it died down. When all that was left was a defeated sorrow that refused leave, he still stayed. In this moment he felt like he could be as close to peace as possible, where there were no reminders of Subaru. He was glad he had never taken her here.
He measured his breaths, and stared into nothing, and let his mind drift. He thought of Rin, Obito, Kushina, Minato-Sensei, his father. He imagined what they would do in his place. None of his thoughts seemed to do them any justice though. They felt hollow, like a ghost of the real thing.
He laughed- harsh, a self deprecating thing, and shook his head in disgust. He turned from the memorial stone, ambling without any hurry back toward the village. The sky was turning a lighter blue, with hints of pink and orange creeping in.
He still didn't know what to do. There was no solution. Nothing to fix. Things had been turned on their head and there was no way back from this.
He'd known she had had a secret. He just hadn't expected this.
He was angry that she'd lied to him about something so important. He was grieving his innocent too intelligent child that he realised he'd never had. He was embarrassed that he had been duped so easily, and was left feeling defensive of what little pride he had left.
It felt like every memory he had of her was now tainted with the stain of the truth.
He had always blamed himself for allowing his helpless baby to get to the point of a suicidal depression. Only to find out that she knew exactly what she was doing, because she wasn't a baby at all.
He walked through Konoha, feeling a thick barrier between himself and everyone else as he watched them wake up and get on with their morning. He stared wistfully at the mothers with their young children, once more noticing the stark differences between Subaru and the others who appeared her age, the loss of what never was, crushing him.
Feeling little better than he did when he left, and significantly more tired, Kakashi approached the apartment by mid morning, and took the long way up. He unlocked the front door, and wearily entered. The first thing he noticed was the open balcony door- just wide enough for Subaru to slip through.
For a moment he forgot about the entire past day. He was too busy suddenly terrified that it was going to be his father all over again. He had never left the balcony door open after that first time, even when he was at home. With Adrenalin crashing through his system, he cautiously walked toward the balcony door and stepped out.
He forced himself to lean over and check the ground below, but saw no sign of either Subaru or any thing out of the ordinary.
Still not convinced, he went back inside and swept the room. He spotted the leftovers that had been in the fridge, on the table. He stared it for a moment, remembering that he had left before dinner and hadn't fed Subaru. Clearly she didn't need him for that. Because she wasn't a child.
He heard padding footsteps and a door push open behind him. He turned around slowly, as Subaru peeked around the door. She looked so small and sweet. So innocent. But she wasn't. It was a lie. She didn't need him like a young child needed their parent. She had already had parents. She had already had a dad.
He'd been tricked.
"Tou-san-"
"Don't call me that." He hadn't meant for his words to come out so coldly, but he didn't bother correcting himself. She wasn't a child.
He watched her cheeks pink and her face crumple before she hid it and lowered her head, ignoring the immediate urge he felt to go and pick her up.
"Okay," her voice was quiet and cracked halfway through, she paused and then continued without making eye contact, "would you like to talk?"
"No." His immediate reply came before he had a chance to think. He didn't take it back though, watching the familiar way she couldn't stop wiggling her toes into the carpet, her awful bed head every morning, the way she bit the inside of her lip, and the habit she had of holding the fingers of her left hand one by one, rubbing their joints. Each of those habits was something he had associated with his innocent child. This person wasn't a child. It hurt to look at her.
She looked conflicted as she stared at the floor, but eventually nodded her head, "alright."
She hesitated and then pulled the door to, padding back up the hall to the bedroom.
He heaved a tired sigh, and deflated. Out of habit, he picked up the mess on the table and washed it up. After that he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't feel right leaving her alone in the apartment by herself again.
Last night had been a complete spur of the moment reaction, caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that he wanted to process by himself. Although he knew she wasn't his child, he still felt responsible for her, and she was physically vulnerable if anything happened. He collapsed onto the sofa, Icha Icha in hand, in the hopes that it could distract him.
Two hours later, and it still lay by his side in his hand. He just... couldn't get over the anger and betrayal he felt that she had tried to kill herself, fully understanding the sort of pain that could do to a person. Why? Why had she done that to him?
He wanted to ask her, but he also didn't think that any answer she could give would make him feel any better. She had lied to him for well over a year. This whole time he had thought it was his place to protect her and keep her safe, but she had been playing him for a fool all the while. Pretending to be someone she wasn't.
And yet what could he do? He couldn't punish her like an errant child, because she wasn't one. He couldn't choose not to see her again because... because he still cared about her. She was still technically his biological offspring. He was still responsible. He couldn't discuss this with anyone because no one else would even vaguely understand. Except maybe Gai. But Subaru hadn't told Gai her secret. Only him. He was alone in this.
Without thinking, he made a simple lunch for two at the usual time, before realising what he'd done. He swallowed, when it hit him all over again that he would never do anything like this again thinking he was being a parent to his child.
He felt like he was missing a fundamental part of himself.
He didn't think he could go through some false, awkward and emotionally charged version of lunch with Subaru. He reluctantly forced his body toward their bedroom, and knocked on the door. He couldn't make himself open it.
"I made lunch. I would rather not eat... together..."
"Leave it by the door. I'll eat in here," came Subaru's subdued answer through the wood. He paused, not sure how he felt about essentially banished her to one room for meals, but decided not say anything about it.
She stayed in their room all day, and he stayed in the living room. Dinner was much like lunch. He swapped the dirty plate she had left outside the door with the full one, and knocked a few times on the door, to let her know.
That night he slept in his clothes on the sofa. The next morning he waited until Subaru was in the bathroom, and collected a few outfits, in and out in a few seconds.
Over the next week, Subaru seemed to become a phantom. He knew she didn't spend all the time in their room, but he barely heard her, and he never caught more than a glimpse. Not that he was particularly looking for her. He was too busy thinking.
The last of his anger cooled, his deep feelings of betrayal and loss softened somewhat, and all he was left with were questions and uncertainties.
The stilted air in the apartment didn't dissipate, but seemed to settle into the grooves like a thick blanket of dust. A part of him simply didn't want to hear her answers, in case they confirmed his worst fears. In case they made him hate her.
Nine days after she had admitted the truth to him, Kakashi still didn't know what to do, but he had accepted that what he was doing was unsustainable. The heavy silence that lay between Subaru and him felt unbreachable by now, though.
It was Subaru who made the first move. He became aware of her hesitation by the door to the living room, as she took deep breaths. After a few minutes she said something to herself that he knew was rude but had never been told the translation for.
She pushed open the door, and maintaining a blank expression he watched her out of the corner of his eye as she approached. She swallowed, and stroked the joints of her left fingers.
"Tou- um... hey. I understand that you still don't want to talk to me, but I really need a wash. We don't need to have a bath, I won't ask that from you. If you could fill the bucket with water and give me the soap I can wash myself."
She stared at the floor, and he turned his head to giver her a proper look. In the revelation that she wasn't a child inside, he had mostly forgotten that she still had the physical restrictions of one. He had bitterly seen she could easily dress herself, and feed herself and so he had forgotten that she couldn't do the rest.
But that shouldn't have come as a surprise, because he had already known she could dress and feed herself. He had helped her dress and fed her because it was a way of being close to her, not because he had to.
He froze inside when he saw what she looked like. Her hair was a limp bedraggled greasy mess on top of her head. She was dirty, and had food stains on her grey-white clothes. She had deep bruises underneath her eyes and her pallor had a distinctly grey tone. She had lost weight too. She looked more like she had spent the last week on the streets than at home.
He knew intellectually that she wasn't his child. But when he looked at her he couldn't help but see her as his, and everything within him rebelled at the idea that he had let her get to the state that she was in under his watch.
He still couldn't bring himself to pick her up, but he didn't hesitate to make his way to the bathroom and fill the bucket he kept in the cupboard with warm water. He grabbed the soap and a cloth for her, as she entered the room.
"Thank you," she still didn't make eye contact, and undressed as he stared at the complete mess that was her hair. She going to have an impossible task with that.
He gave it some thought, before tentatively offering, "I can get the tangles out of you hair while you wash."
Her eyes darted up toward him in surprise, before they found the floor again, and she nodded, "Thanks, that would be helpful."
It was a slightly awkward silence between them, as she got into the large bucket and sat down. She lathered up the cloth and immediately got started, so he did the same.
She was done far before he was, and he was still unknotting sections at the back, with a comb and conditioner when she spoke.
"You can ask me questions, you know." Her chin was rested on her knees, and she stared at her wiggling toes as she spoke. He paused, surprised, but said nothing, and continued working on her hair.
"About anything, I mean. My old life, my relatives, my friends, the place I lived in. Or this life, why I did the things I did and... you know. Anything. I'll answer."
He stared at the back of he head of his not child, and figured now was as good a time as any.
"How old are you?" He kept his voice carefully neutral and lacking in accusation or aggression.
"Including the years in this life I'm twenty one. I turned twenty a few days after I was reborn, if we only include the days from when I awoke."
So she was still younger than him. Though not by much. It was strange to think that some of the hardened kunoichi he had served alongside were the same age as the tiny being in front of him. Part of him couldn't help but be glad that she wasn't older.
"Were you a shinobi or a civilian?" She hadn't shown signs of being a shinobi, but he couldn't be sure. It would give him a better idea of her capabilities when it came to tricking and psychologically playing with an experienced shinobi like him.
"Technically civilian."
"What do you mean by technically?"
"You would go straight for the difficult questions wouldn't you," she muttered under her breath, exasperated, "I mean that there were no shinobi. There were no hidden villages, the percentage of soldiers was much smaller, and their training started much older. There were no jutsus, kunai and shuriken weren't used, and swords were outdated. Apart from hand held tools which were originally designed to be used for something else, I had only ever seen non lethal weapons in my first life."
He stared baffled at her head, struggling and failing to imagine this place. He had understood what she had told him, but they weren't clicking to reach the conclusion she was clearly pointing him toward.
"The stars here are in completely different places," she sighed. Suddenly he got it. She was implying that she was from a different world altogether. It just seemed too far fetched. But it made a lot of sense. She hadn't known the any of the language or letters that everyone in the Elemental Nations knew. He didn't recognise English at all.
There were some things about her that were just different than other people. He had always compared her to other children, but had never made the connection between her and other adults because even then she wasn't exactly like them. It was in subtle ways he found hard to put a finger on. It was like she went around Konoha tearing down what she saw in her eyes into it's separate components, for analysis in a way no one else did. It made more sense if she was doing so to compare it to the model of a society she already had in her head.
He didn't know what to say to that, so he moved on for now.
"What was your name?" He looked at her, and he simply didn't feel right calling her Su-chan anymore. Maybe that would change over time, but it felt wrong to apply the name he associated with his young dependant child on someone he knew wasn't.
"It wasn't a name in English. In the world I came from there were a ton of languages from different areas. Some of my family came from another place originally, and I was named after my great grandmother after she died. My name was- my name is Sona," her face softened sadly, and even though the word meant nothing to him, that clearly wasn't the case for her.
"I didn't feel anything for my name before I died. It's strange that I only care for it now."
"Hmm, did it mean anything?" He asked, a touch kinder.
"Gold."
"It's nice. Did you not have family names?"
"We did. I have a middle name too. Family names went last. My name is Sona Indrani Ray."
He liked the way it rolled smoothly and easily off her tongue, adding a new rhythm to her words that were different from English.
"Can I call you that?" He asked impulsively. He didn't want to call her a name he had strong associations to. Not for the time being at least. He finished with her tangles and she rinsed her hair.
"The full thing? It's a bit of a mouthful. Just pick whichever bit you like best, I suppose. You can call me whatever you like." She shrugged, and he saw she truly wasn't fussed.
"What about you?" She asked, a hint of wariness colouring her words.
"What about me?"
"What am I supposed to call you? You asked me not to call you tou-san, but people will think it's disrespectful of me if I don't call you that in public at least. And whether you like it or not, biologically you are my parent."
As she stepped out of the bucket and he poured the water away, he saw the merit in what she said.
"Call me tou-san in public then. At home... perhaps you can call me dad." His heart picked up pace at the suggestion, and he hid his anticipation. He didn't know what he was reaching for here, but he had said it all the same.
"No." Came her unflinching reply. He wasn't sure why it affected him so much, for her to deny him.
"I get that tou-san is loaded with personal meanings for you, and that makes you uncomfortable having it applied between us, but the same goes for the English version for me. I'm never going to call you that, because I had a dad. When I say that word I think of him, not you. I don't want to replace him with you, and a lot of what I associate with that word aren't exactly good either. My dad wasn't a kind person. I love him even now, but he wasn't kind."
It was easier to swallow once he had an explanation, and although he didn't like to be reminded that in her mind she called someone else father, he couldn't feel too angry over it, considering he had also denied her that same title.
And yet he didn't want her to call him Kakashi. It was what everyone else called him, and somehow that didn't settle right with him. Eventually he gave up.
"I don't know. I'm sure you'll think of something."
With her wrapped up, he bent down to pick up her clothes and eyed the filthy garments in disgust.
"Why are you wearing such revolting things? You have more clothes than I do."
She grunted as she squeezed her fingers into the small gap he had gotten into the habit of leaving in all the doors inside, so she could open them.
"After a while I was too unclean and I just would have gotten clean clothes dirty straight away."
He nodded, and felt self recrimination heat his stomach. He shouldn't have left her for so long. It was still his job to look after her. Apparently she saw his thoughts on his face when she turned to look at him.
"Don't feel bad. I could have come to you at any time. I'm not a child. I chose not to, because I wanted to give you some space after... everything. I know traditionally when we wash is time for us to be close to each other, and I didn't to pressure you or even have that conversation when things were still... raw."
He followed her to their room, deciding to just throw them away when he was done. They were too stained and grey to do anything for them.
"Don't wait so long next time. No matter what."
"Even if you're really angry with me?"
"Yes. I'll still help you get clean."
"Thank you," she sounded genuinely grateful and he got the sense that she was thanking him for more than he knew. "The room is a mess by the way. Just warning you."
She opened the door, and his eye widened at the pile of smelly clothes shoved into a corner, the sheet he slept under had also been dragged off the bed and onto the floor in a pile, and one of his Icha Icha books was lying next to it.
"What did you do in here?"
"The bed is too high for me to get on it, so I slept on the floor. I don't know how to work the washing machine, and I can't reach the buttons anyway, and also the Icha Icha was because I got bored. I had to stop quite early though, because I couldn't reach the sink after I went to the toilet and I didn't feel right reading it with dirty hands. I tried not to touch much after that."
Each explanation was like a punch to the chest, highlighting how much he had been neglecting her. This couldn't continue.
"You're not sleeping on the floor anymore, I'll lift you up if you need it, both at night and to the sink."
"Alright. And the Icha Icha? I know I should have asked your permission before touching something so important to you."
He hesitated, discomfited by the image of little Subaru reading something so mature. But then that was why he didn't want to call her Subaru until he had gotten rid of mentality of that name belonging to a child. Twenty one year old Sona could read Icha Icha all she liked. He still hesitated, knowing if he gave her the go ahead, he may well see the face he linked to his little child reading adult material. But then that might be just the sort of jarring sight he needed to get used to, in order to get the truth into his head.
"Treat them carefully, and only read the old ones that I've already finished."
Forcing himself not to change his mind, Kakashi reached down and picked up the book, placing it back on the low shelf. The sheet would need a wash. He bundled the sheet and dirty clothes together, and went to leave the room.
"Hey." He turned to her, where she was back to staring at the floor and stroking the joints of her left fingers.
"I just... I just want a straight answer about what you're going to do with what I told you. And with me. You know, for my peace of mind."
"Do with you?"
She huffed, and peered up through her lashes with a slight frown, "yeah, are you going to tell the Hokage, or other people about the truth? Will I have to see a Yamanaka? Am I going to have people watching me closely? Am I- am I going to be taken away? I just... would like to know beforehand if possible."
His breath caught when he realised what she was scared of. It hadn't even occurred to him to do any of those things. He considered it a Hatake matter, and to be kept between them unless she told someone else. It wasn't like she was a shinobi who was lying to her superiors, or someone who had replaced Subaru but pretended otherwise. It wasn't like her previous life had taken place in another hidden village to which she was still loyal.
He almost physically recoiled at the idea of having a Yamanaka rip through her mind, or giving her to likes of Danzo to ensure her loyalty to Konoha.
"None of those things. You're a civilian still, and so it isn't a shinobi matter. The Hatake are a clan, no matter how small, and I consider this clan business, with nothing to do with the Hokage."
She visibly relaxed with relief, and a huge weight seemed to have been removed from her shoulders.
"Oh, that's- that's good. Thank you," she bit the inside of her lip briefly, and looked to the side, "are we good? Is everything okay between us?"
He felt regretful, but was firm in his reply, "no."
He saw the aborted hunch of her shoulders and shudder in her breathing, and added, "we have a lot to talk about first, before things can go back to being okay."
She nodded, and miserably commented, "things aren't ever going back to the way they were between us are they?"
He shook his head, feeling exactly as she looked. She looked up at him then, a resolution in her eyes that he had never seen from her before.
"But, that doesn't mean what comes next will be bad, or in any way worse, or any less important to me. Just because we won't apply the label father and daughter, it doesn't mean I love you any less. You're the most important person to me in this world, and I love you as much as I ever loved any of my family from my last life. You are family. There just... isn't a word invented or a box we fit into."
He could see her mild discomfort in what she was saying, but he also saw it stemmed from forcing herself to be so open with how she felt. He recognised the honesty, belief and emotion in her words.
It didn't change anything about what had already happened, or even much about how he felt toward it all, but it succeeded in bringing a small smile to face, and giving a more hopeful slant toward their future.
"You've had a lot more time to discover how you feel about this all, and where you would like to go with it than I have. We still need to talk about this before I can decide anything." His words could have been harsh, but his tone was gentle.
She agreed with a melancholy twist to her smile, and he left her to change into clean clothes.
He still had a lot of questions, and a part of him still thought that she had betrayed him and lied to him. But he admitted that she wasn't a malicious person, and her intentions weren't hurtful; there was probably a lot more to it than he was seeing, which he wouldn't know until he asked.
Above all, though, was that he wanted things to be good between them again. He wanted the affection, the laughter and playfulness, the closeness he had with her and no one else. Now he knew she wanted that too, he had some hope that he hadn't lost everything.
He supposed even after all this, he still trusted her.
How was reading the chapter? I know it wasn't quite the resolution people were probably looking for, but when someones entire perspective on such a personal thing is forcibly shifted so drastically, it can take a while for them to come to terms and accept the new one.
Who do you feel most for in this situation? I kinda just wanted to make them hug it out and make up, but that was pretty much how I solved Subaru's depression haha.
What did you think about the name thing? He's not never going to call her Subaru again, he just wants to take a break from it. I took inspiration from my experience when I found out my girl cat was a boy cat when I went to get 'her' spayed. He already had a gender neutral name, but I had to give him a nickname while I got used to not associating his real one and thus him with 'female'.
I hope I portrayed Kakashi feeling really uncertain, angry and betrayed and not sure what he should do about Subaru, but still loving her and caring about her, properly.