Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
Okay! Feeling a bit better today so I got this chap out. This one is mostly focussed on Sonaru's past, and I know a lot of you aren't interested in that, so I'm sorry if you find this chapter uninteresting. But she's gotta get her shit out to be able to bond with the pack without it getting in the way
Also it's a two part chapter, because this one got too long. I think it's kind of important character development wise, because this was one of the key things that happened to her that essentially stripped her of her innocence and explains some reactions that may happen from her later on down the line.
Most looks at her past that will go into this sort of depth are the things that traumatised her and she needs to get off her chest, so it doesn't dominate her new life.
I hope you find reading this as emotional as I found writing it! Although probably not, because I'm premenstrual and it made me tear up.
Pretty much completely unedited, sorry for mistakes.
Thank you so much for reviews, favs and favourites! Let me know what works or what doesn't work for you, as well as prompts going forward.
Chapter 21 - The Dog Days Are Over: Part 1 - Victim
When I was nine years old, dad bought dogs. Two of them, named after Börte and Jochi Khan, the wife of Genghis Khan and one of their children. I didn't have the words for it at the time, but I had the distinct impression that their names were pretentious as fuck. They were shar pei dogs, and when I was shown a picture of their breed I was extremely not impressed.
But in the space of a year, after my entire life of dad saying he would never buy us pets, he had allowed me two rabbits and my sisters two gerbils each, so we all figured that if dad wanted two dogs for himself he could buy them.
Despite initial reluctance and doubt from me- I liked cute fluffy animals, not wrinkly overbred things- my dad and siblings' excitement caught me up in it. We told mother the next weekend we saw her, and we were disappointed that she couldn't even find a bit of excitement in herself for us.
By that point we had been living with him for five years, and I barely remembered life before. It felt like all I knew was dad deriding and bad mouthing mother, and mother deriding and bad mouthing dad. I may have been far more convinced by mother's arguments, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear how much she hated him all the goddam time, even when something was going right in our lives for once. After all, she was supposed to be better than him.
We resented her for trying to put a dampener on something as simple and easy to look forward to as getting dogs. She forbodingly gave us three months of happiness before it all went downhill just like everything dad touched did.
It was a week after my birthday, and Gai had accidentally let slip that he had intended to get me a kitten, but DFB had told him not to. I hadn't been able to prevent myself from whining about it- I really wanted that kitten. I loved cats. In my last life I had had three acceptable paths for the future; finding a platonic life partner with whom to share parenthood with, go it single and find some excellent DNA to contribute toward my kids, or become a cat lady. All of them had been equally as desirable for me.
DFB put up with my day of whining with great aplomb, really; he let me dangle off his upper arm as I complained, and zipped me into his flak jacket so that my head popped out the top and he could use both hands as I cajoled, he held my hand during the tough bits of our walk and said nothing as I persuaded, and pretended we were having another conversation entirely when I sat on a cloth on the countertop and handed him utensils while he cooked as I whinged.
As we lay in bed that evening and I interrupted my conversation flow multiple times to ask for a kitten, he finally sighed and reminded me, "Sona, I know I haven't introduced you to them yet, but I do have dogs"
I paused, suddenly remembering that that was a thing. "Oh... well why didn't you say so earlier, bastard?"
"Maa I wanted to see how good your bargaining and haggling skills are."
I gave that some thought, "huh, that makes sense I guess. How did I do?"
"Well, I have to say they're better than I thought they'd be. Which is to say not good at all."
I sat up, "hey! I'll have you know my skills there are absolutely at seventy percent! I'm just no good at it with family. If I pull out all the stops I feel manipulative."
DFB chuckled and placed a calming hand on my head- which was slightly impressive considering it was pitch black, "they're excellent for an untrained civilian. In shinobi terms you're better than most Genin at least, but you've got some way to go before you can stand up to the arguing power of the other Kage."
"Woah, woah, who said anything about arguing with Kage? No thank you. I have no intention of ever placing myself in that position."
He gave me a patronising pat on the head, which for some reason made me laugh, "you're fooling yourself if you think your self preservation instincts will beat your overprotectiveness. I know you better than that."
His voice sounded both pained and completely fond. I was mostly just confused.
"What's that got to do with anything? Also I am not overprotective, I'm perfectly justified in my protective proclivities."
"I'm currently next in line to be Hokage, did you know? Unofficially. The moment I succumb to politics and pressure and accept officially, the Hokage will step down and I'll have to step up."
"No I didn't know that exactly, but I'm not surprised. Still, so what? Everyone knows you're kickass, and you can mentally run circles around pretty much everyone else in conversation. You'll do great. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if you became the first Kage to find a way to minimise the paperwork load."
The moment DFB mentioned his future as Hokage I had a vague idea of where he was going with that point. It was just a consequence of being the child of a Kage that I hadn't considered before; unless I completely distanced myself from it in every way I could, eyes would be on me the moment DFB took the hat. They'd compare me to him, and judge my skills next to him. I'd be shoved up to the front stage of shinobi politics whether I was ready or not. I would be considered his weak point for attack, or manipulation, or I could be considered a testament to the Hatake reputation.
I knew which one I would be aiming for, and DFB knew me well enough to see that before I had. I considered Sarutobi Asuma's notoriously patchy relationship with the current Hokage, and realised that if DFB took the hat, I could either step back and let him get on with his job, removing my influence in his life so that he didn't feel divided between family and work, or I could find a way to step up with him. All of which of course had already gone through DFBs head.
I pursued my lips unhappily as I thought of any job requirement besides a long term mission taking DFB away from me, of him stuck behind a desk away from the people and the action.
"I like paperwork," I grumpily admitted.
"Hm?"
"Shut up, you know exactly what I mean. I like paperwork. Not all day everyday. Just... sometimes. I like to find patterns in reports, and learn about an infrastructure and the hidden nuggets of information. I like organising something much larger than myself through the systematic but simple task of going through paperwork. I like the precise but subtextual information that can be put across through exact choosing of words. I used to help my family word things in formal letters and emails and any sort of situation, whether it was court cases, or formal complaints, or... well, loads of different situations."
There was a moment of silence in which I tried not to flush with embarrassment at the boring thing I had admitted to enjoying, and my completely unsubtle offer, before two hands wrapped around my middle and I squawked in surprise as I was tugged back against DFB.
A cheek rubbed itself against the top of my fluffy head, as DFB cooed, "my Su-chan is so cute! So generous of my chibi Sona to offer her amazing paperwork talents. So loyal. So kind hearted. So thoughtful."
Before I could say anything, suddenly the fingers by my sides went from restraining to attacking, and I screeched and thrashed as I futilely tried to escape his evil tickling, unable to help the laughter that gasped its way out of my chest.
"YOU BASTARD LET ME GOOO! NOO! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE MYSELF! YOU'RE SUCH A WANKER!"
I was on DFB's shoulders the next day, from being picked up after lunch with Gai, my head resting in his pillowy hair as I was making little plaits in it, when we stopped outside the front door. My head shot up.
"Wait. Something's not right."
He paused as reached for the door handle, "what's wrong?"
My face creased thoughtfully, and I nibbled the inside of my lip as I tried to identify what was different, "I don't know. Something's not the same though. I... I think someone's inside."
I didn't need to see his face to hear the eye smile as he spoke, "well done. You've got good instincts, Sona."
I relaxed once I was sure DFB knew what was going on, and wasn't bothered, curious as to who was waiting. He opened the door and stepped inside, as my eyes swept the living room. It barely took a fraction of a second for me to identify the eight forms lounging on the floor (I don't want to do this). They perked up the moment DFB stepped into the room and all sat up to face us (I want to leave).
They were all a lot bigger (intimidating) than I thought they would be. The only one I was larger than was Pakkun, and it wasn't by much. I peeked through the thick spikes of DFB's hair and didn't say anything (I don't like this).
"Sona, these are my ninken. I've trained with them for many years, and I consider them a part of the Hatake family. The smallest dog is Pakkun, the large one Pakkun is sitting on is Bull, the one with the thick whiskers and dark ears is Guruko, Shiba is the one next to him with the dark mohawk, the dog with bandages on his head is Ūhei, Akino is the dog with sunglasses, Bisuke is the one with dark paws and kanji on his head, and finally Urushi is the blonde one with the mean expression - don't worry it's just his resting face. Pack this is... Subaru. She's the little one you've been nagging me about since you first smelt her on me."
He reached behind him and lifted me from his shoulders to place me on the floor. I still couldn't find anything to say, and there was an awkward moment in which nobody did anything.
"I didn't know they came that small," the unexpectedly deep voice came from Pakkun. I knew theoretically that they could talk, but it was another thing entirely to see it with my own eyes. Oddly enough the strangest thing wasn't hearing words come from a dog's mouth, but seeing the bizarre way they had to move their lips (were they lips?) in order to do so. It was a little unreal.
I felt tense and almost overwhelmed with my discomfort, and said nothing when DFB bent down, took hold of my hands above my head, and walked me forward one reluctant step at a time.
"She smells stressed, Kakashi," one of them said as we approached, I didn't notice which one.
"Sona? You're quieter than usual."
I forced a small reassuring smile on my face, "I'm fine. I'm just a little overwhelmed."
I could tell I didn't fool DFB for a moment, but he let it go. One by one I was introduced properly to DFB's talking dog pack. I let each one snuffle at my palms and surround me, but beyond the occasional quick pat on the head, I didn't touch them if I could help it.
Outwardly he didn't show any sign of it, but I could tell DFB was watching me. DFB sat on the floor amongst the pack as the day wore on, but I remained on the sofa apart from them. I was far more comfortable watching them lounge around together and interacting, I liked seeing him so relaxed with other beings beyond me and Gai. But I also did my best to keep the attention off myself, and avoided looking at the ninken when one of them noticed me.
Around dinner time, they finally left, and there was a weighted quiet left behind while he cooked. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed in me, or had already come to his own conclusions about why I acted the standoffish way I did. I knew I would have to tell him, but the thought of revisiting those memories made my stomach churn.
I read far too much into every moment of not talking, and my stress levels rose. I wondered if the fact that he didn't ask for my help in the small ways he usually did meant he was pissed off at me. Had I made him look bad in front of his pack by not being more polite? As the wait dragged onward, my blood prickled underneath my skin, and my anxiety got worse. I was imagining scenarios in which I was scolded for being so rude, for leaving such a bad first impression, for disappointing the pack, and DFB. I wondered if he would care about my reasons, after all I was bound to have worse memories when I was older as a shinobi and I would have to keep it together regardless when I was triggered.
DFB had lived through so much suffering already, maybe mine would seem poxy and ridiculous compared to him. Maybe he would just tell me to get over it. Part of me was reminding the rest that he wasn't like that- these what ifs were sounding far more like my dad than DFB, but once the fear had occurred to me I couldn't let it go.
I worked myself up and mentally pulled away from reality as I always did when I was highly worried about something. I didn't notice the time passing, and was therefore shocked out of my thoughts by DFB's hands around my torso. He lifted me up, and I stiffened, until he carried me to the table and sat down, with me in his lap.
Usually at home I sat next to him, and so to be placed on his legs, with a gentle hand on my hair was a comfort. Letting out a relieved sigh, I sank back into his supportive heat, feeling tired from all of my unnecessary stressing.
"What's got you so upset, Sona?"
My lips twitched into a self deprecating smile, "I didn't make the best first impression on the pack."
He ruffled my hair, "they could tell something was bothering you. Don't worry about it."
Dinner was a quiet but relaxed affair, with DFB feeding me without prompting, as he sometimes did when I was feeling anxious- which was an immediate destroyer of my appetite.
When Gai wasn't around and it was just us, I loved the fact that we could be comfortably silent together. I hadn't had that relationship with anyone else apart from Caspian- it was only with him that I understood the idea that silence could speak a thousand words. I was glad to have that with DFB too. There was no pressure to talk, and no pressure not to. I think he too appreciated the fact that I was more than happy to spend time lazing against him and snoozing as I listened to his heartbeat, while he quietly did his own thing.
As with most things that made me feel unhappy about my past, DFB let me bring it up in my own time, rather than pushing me to talk about it. I pondered on the issue myself, having done my best not to think about it more than I had to as I got older, poking at the difficult memories to see how much there actually was that still affected me.
The familiar feelings of guilt, nausea, grief, shame, rage and horror echoed from the emotions, and I quickly left it be once more, not willing to face them alone.
I waited until we were half lying on the sofa, with DFB absently scratching at my scalp- a habit I was certain he had picked up from having his summons, and something that felt absolutely heavenly. I sank into the melty feeling it gave me each time, and finally allowed it to loosen my lips.
"The first time I ever got up close and personal with a dog, I was this tiny little thing, and it jumped up on me. As it knocked me over it peed on me. I was so embarrassed I didn't say anything, and all of the adults around me were too high to notice. I sat there for hours as it got cold, covered in dog pee. My experience with dogs didn't get much better from there."
Wry humour suffused my voice as I spoke of that memory, and I felt DFB suppress his chuckles in his chest. I rolled my eyes and snorted.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, tosspot. Before we got dogs when I was nine, they had always been these cute fluffy things, with good or not so good temperaments which I could hug and pat and pay attention to, and sometimes take for a walk, but always give back to its owner," my tone became a little more melancholy as I slipped into the memories of my childhood.
"I liked dogs a lot. I wanted one or two when I grew up, something soft, and family friendly. And preferably a family member who could pick up its shit because I didn't want to. We called our two dogs Bo and Jo, and I had a bit of a love disgust relationship with them to be honest. Dad bought them because he wanted guard dogs. He thought Shar peis could be intimidating enough, I guess. They were fully grown when he got them and had been raised in the city. They needed owners who had time to take them for long walks and the current ones couldn't do that.
"Shar peis had these big wrinkles around their faces and on their bodies. Bo was black and had been overbred for them, and she had trouble seeing sometimes. She wheezed when she breathed through her nose and made the funniest most horrendous noises with her mouth when she yawned. She also smelt bad, because she had really sensitive skin and the dead skin in between her wrinkles got stuck and just smelled horrible, so she had to be washed once a week.
"Also she had wrinkles inside her ear canals where loads of stinky black wax would get stuck, and dad had to clear them out twice a month. I thought all of these things were absolutely disgusting. Her fur wasn't even soft either and both of them made my school uniform hairy and kinda smelly, and to be honest a lot of me just thought the whole experience was a massive let down. But... at the same time there's something so simple and uncomplicated and unwaveringly affectionate about dogs.
"Despite myself, I found myself loving them. Taking them for walks was a chore, but it was also time I could spend with my sisters, when they weren't completely focussed on their computers and video games. I liked feeding them all sorts of different mixtures of dog food to see which they liked best, and playing games with them. I got to know them as real characters that were completely silly. Jo was a ginger blonde- he was smart and kinda cute, and sweet, and gentle and well meaning all the time, and Bo was just a giant clutz who always made mistakes, and always broke the rules, and could sometimes be a bit aggressive and a bit stupid, but was really funny.
"I was always resentful that having dogs meant that I couldn't run around in our garden anymore in bare feet and I always felt a little sick when I found dog crap on the ground out there. But they could be so patient, and they didn't mind me dressing them up in fedoras and sun glasses, and feather boas, and loose neck ties to take pictures.
"But they had been brought up in the city, and their owners had encouraged them to chase cats off the property. We didn't have cats around. We had sheep, and cows and pigs. They went for them anyway- Bo in particular- which was fine at first because they were too slow to catch them, and the cows would headbutt Bo even though it didn't put her off for more than a few seconds. As long as the farmers didn't see the dogs harassing their livestock- because almost all the land was owned by three brothers who co owned the house we lived in.
"I can't remember what they did, but three months in Bo and Jo broke the rules bad enough to make dad angry. He punched Jo in the face and dangled him in the air from a choke chain over and over again, and kicked Bo in the side as he held her tight on the chain. We all cried, but we were too scared to do anything in case he lashed out at us, so we were forced to stand there and watch.
"He locked them in the shed for two days without food or water. I remember the whole time, the sounds they made were so horrible, and unlike with people they didn't understand when dad shouted at them to shut up as he was beating them. They didn't understand anything. We snuck them food and water through the gaps in the bent metal door of the shed, but we couldn't open it because it made too much noise.
"Over the next six months, we realised that because they couldn't tell anyone, and after each time they would loyally come back to dad for love and attention, he felt free to hurt them. Somehow it was more difficult than being made to watch him hurt my siblings, because there was this uncomplicated innocence to them to that I hadn't seen anywhere, and this unconditional loyalty. I knew animals weren't like people, they needed to be trained properly it was as simple as that, and the fact that each time they would make the same mistakes that he beat them for meant it was really obvious that he wasn't training them at all, he was just causing them pain because he could.
"Caspian and Rue normalised it after a while. That's what they always did. If something hurt them emotionally and it kept happening, they normalised it, and pretended it wasn't happening or spoke casually about it when they had to. I... couldn't. It was just as horrible to watch every time for me and I felt more and more helpless with each occasion.
"Almost a year after we first got them, there had never been an incident as extreme as the first. It was just me and dad taking them for a walk. We let them off the leash for a while in a field, and after some time we realised we couldn't see either of them. We called for them, and about ten minutes later, just as dad was starting to get mad, Jo showed up. That was okay, but Bo didn't show. We called and called and dad was getting really angry. Then when she finally turned up she had something else's blood streaked across her snout.
"Dad was worried it was one of the farmer's livestock, and that Bo had caught and killed it. He was furious with her. He gave me Jo's leash, and he beat her. He punched her in the head, and kicked her legs out from under her, before dragging her along the ground by her choke chain. He dangled her off of the side of slopes by her chain. When she was down he stamped on her with his full weight over and over again. He took the spare chain he always kept with him in case one broke and whipped her with it. She was breathing so heavily I thought she would have a heart attack. And she screamed. It was a long walk home. All the while he wouldn't stop. I realised, at some point, that I couldn't rely on someone older than me to tell me what to do like I always did. I had to make a choice- either I could be the type of person who continued to stand and watch something I loved be hurt so badly, or I could do something about it. I was so scared of him, though. I was scared that if I stepped in he'd do to me what he was doing to her.
"But... I replaced my siblings with Bo, and asked if I valued myself over them. I asked if I valued my own lack of pain over the well-being of the ones I loved. I knew that beating the dogs was a method dad used to make us fear exactly what I feared, without ever having to touch us. I asked myself I was willing to let him win in the mind game he had played. I had always been the bystander- the person forced to watch as my family was hurt, and rarely ever physically harmed myself. I was protected on both sides by my bigger siblings because they knew my body couldn't take dad's violence. I was too small, and too weak.
"I made myself ask to hold Bo's leash. He denied me. I made myself ask twice more, and I could tell he was surprised, but he kept denying me. I couldn't make myself demand anything, though. I considered doing something physical, but I was so tiny compared to dad. I realised at that point, that if I had something on me that was heavy and hard enough to hit him with and put dad down for good, I would use it to protect Bo. I realised I valued her innocent life over his.
"But I scanned the hedges as we walked and I realised there was nothing I could use. I was stuck watching as usual. We were close to home when she started bleeding out of her mouth, she staggered and kept falling, and he would stamp on her until she got up again. I was terrified I would be forced to watch her die. Then she fell down, bleeding onto the road and gasping, and couldn't get up again no matter how much he shouted or kicked her, or dragged her along. I... I couldn't take it.
"He started whipping her, and I couldn't bear to watch anymore. I threw myself over her and held her close to me as I cried. He was so caught up in his fury he didn't even notice at first, and the chain caught me across my back and on my head. It hurt more than anything I'd ever experience before but the idea of her going through that made me sick, and so I didn't move.
"Dad shouted at me and shouted at me, but I just held her and cried until he stopped... I was too late. I'd acted too late, and she bled out on the road while I held her."
By the end of my story, I had buried my face in DFB's chest as I spoke, taking shuddering breaths and crying silently into his shirt. I gripped his clothes desperately, to keep my self grounded, as he held me tight and rubbed my back. He said nothing, sensing I wasn't finished, but surrounded me with his presence to comfort me.
I no longer blamed myself for it. But I couldn't help looking back even now, and asking myself what if. What if I had stepped forward just a bit earlier. What if I had been just a bit more assertive. What if I had just told more people earlier what was going on. What if I had taken the initiative a little younger, before family had to die for it.
"That incident makes me feel ill, to this day. I walked home shaking, sobbing, covered in her blood, my back burning, as dad did something with her body that I can't remember. I can't explain the torment that I felt that day. It haunted me. It's probably nothing compared to what loads of nine year olds have gone through in this world... hell it's probably nothing compared to what many nine year olds went through in my last world. But to some extent it still haunts me. Every interaction with dogs was tainted after that, with her blood, her screams and her death.
"After the sick feeling of guilt and horror settled within in me a little, I felt rage. I felt this low smouldering rage I'd never experienced before, that never died down, and I carried that in me. I wasn't just furious with dad, I felt rage at the people who'd sold their dogs to a man they didn't bother to vet. I felt it at my siblings for crying a little, and never speaking of it again. I felt rage at my dad's friends for doing nothing even when they knew how he treated them- how he treated us. I felt rage at my teachers for hearing what I'd told them and never acting. I was angry at everyone for being the smallest, youngest, least independent person in my family, and yet forced to be the only person willing to do something.
"I was disgusted with them all. So we just had Jo left, and I was determined he was never going to harm Jo again without me doing something. I figured Caspian and Rue might have been too mentally beaten down to say anything, but I wasn't. I became overprotective of Jo, who couldn't understand where Bo had gone and searched for her and howled for her. Dad was spitting mad at me for taking blows meant for Bo, but I wouldn't apologise. I told him if he ever tried to hit Jo, I would take those blows as well, and then show everyone the marks. He laughed at me- unconvincingly, mind- and said no one would believe me or do anything if I told them.
"I said to him that they didn't have to, they just had to believe I'd killed him in self defence, rather than premeditated. After all, who would believe a sweet well behaved little girl like me, without a mar on my record would do something like that in anything but desperation? He looked very disturbed, but he threatened to tell people I was mentally unhinged and giving him death threats. I mocked him, and asked who'd believe him, or do anything if he did?
"We left the conversation at that. I had never bluffed before in my life, and I wasn't even sure if that was one or not. I think he knew that. I was still raging inside, but I stupidly thought everything would be okay afterward. I should have just told everyone then what he'd done, and shown them all the marks from the chain on my back. Things were fine for a couple of months, and then my dad met my step mother, and she brought with her three sons and two dogs who she loved."
I didn't lift my face from DFB's chest, and thick shame smothered me as I thought about what I was going to admit I had done, next.
So this was important because it explains where some of the decisions she'll later make come from. Also it was one of the childhood incidents that unlocks her darker side later in her first life. And led her to make some choices that define her still, as well as I suppose inadvertently lead her to the place she died in.
Sorry again if you were completely uninterested in her past, because I know that is primarily the focus of this chapter.