OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 4: Tentative

As soon as I had agreed to join the Herd, Ni had brought me back to the large room I had initially escaped from. Yet by now, it was completely vacated.

"Where is everyone?" I asked quietly, intimidated by the vastness of the room, while staying close to Ni – fearing she might disappear into the shadows again and leave me. But she didn't. She remained by my side until we reached the far end of the hall. The echo of our footsteps subsided, when Ni told me to stop.

"As you had to ask for an extra invitation, they are all gone already, probably having breakfast," she replied in her low voice, while turning her head towards me.

"Breakfast, huh?" Only then did I realize how hungry I actually was. As I was past the panic and having chosen to stay here and actually knowing (sort of) what was about to happen, I felt much more at ease and due to lack of stress, all other minor instincts/drives/body functions came back to the surface of my mind.

"You can eat once we're done here," Ni said just as my stomach issued an echoing growl.

"And what exactly are we doing here?" I asked to cover up the noise.

"You'll find out."

"That's your favorite line, isn't it?"

Ni threw me a smile, before we could hear footsteps approaching. We turned around in unison and saw the Old Man walking towards us. Ni immediately bowed and got into some sort of knee-bow-crouch, staring at the ground, while I stood a bit awkwardly beside her, almost anxiously awaiting the man's arrival.

"Is he prepared?" the Old Man asked in his booming voice that resonated angrily off the walls of the hall.

"Yes, Oyaji-sama," I heard Ni reply.

"Is he willing?"

"Yes, he is."

"Well done, Ni, you may go now. Meet me later in my office."

Ni stood up, bowed once more and left.

I was about to call her back, but then noticed the Old Man staring at me. I adjusted my posture by pulling back my shoulders and tried not to look too intimidated. Really, I tried hard to be my usual authority-ignoring self, but the Old Man was very tough to ignore.

"Tsutana Kichirou," the man called out louder than necessary.

I flinched slightly. "Yes?"

"Bow."

Huh? Bow? Oh. It took me a moment to realize what the Old Man wanted from me. After another second, I mimicked what Ni had done before and knelt in front of the elder man and looked up.

"Do you accept the terms that will be given to you?"

Terms? What terms?

"Do you accept to serve as one of us, and only us, loyally and under the command of the Herd, and the Herd only, as an alliance for the greater good? Do you acknowledge that we are all equal and that you will be bound to us for the rest of your existence?"

Wait, what? Wow, that sounded permanent! Was I really willing to do all that? Give up my freedom to serve these people? Ni's face came back to my mind. Well, being with her for all eternity or at least until I died sounded rather appealing, though. Wait, focus! The Old Man is still talking!

"…if the situation calls for it?"

What? What? Oh never mind. I didn't have another choice anyways. So whatever the man had said, I had to agree.

"Do you accept these terms?"

Was he done? I hesitated, then stiffened my shoulders and said: "I do."

The wrinkles of the Old Man's face moved. "Stand up," he then commanded. I did as I was told. "Give me your hand."

Again, I did so, even though it felt very awkward to hold hands with this elder man.

"From now on and forever, you will no longer be Tsutana Kichirou. You will not live in the past, but in the future. From now on, you will respond to either #32 (A/N: read number thirty-two) or Sanjuuni. That is your given name. That is your future. I hereby welcome you to the Herd."

No longer Tsutana Kichirou? But... I sighed internally. I have no choice. That would take some adjusting though, I was sure. Clearing my throat, I looked at the Old Man, who was just turning my hand palm up. Suddenly he had a knife in his other hand. I flinched and wanted to pull my hand away, but the Old Man held it tightly between his bony fingers. The blade hovered over my palm and without another word, the Old Man sank the sharp tip of the knife into my flesh. It wasn't a deep cut, but I had to swallow when the first blood droplets appeared. The man then produced some sort of flask from his pocket and caught a few drops of my blood in it.

"What do you need that for?" I asked a little timidly.

The Old Man threw me a glance as if telling me to shut up, yet he nevertheless replied while corking the flask and putting it back into his pocket. "This is the proof of your membership."

Hmm. I decided not to question anything anymore. Whatever.

"You may go now, #32. You will receive more instructions from your trainer." The Old Man let go of my hand and turned to leave.

"Who's going to be my trainer?"

"You'll find out soon enough."

Oh these people and their damn secrecy! I watched how the Old Man left the hall, before I took a short glance at my palm. The blood had already dried and the cut was barely visible. I decided to ignore it – there were more important things to worry about – and find my way back to the dining hall. I was starving!

It took me almost an hour to find the dining room. All those interlacing corridors and staircases and everything looked exactly the same… I wondered when (and how) I would ever know where to go. When I reached the circular room in front of the dining hall, I could already see that it was empty. Did I miss it again? And yes. There was no one inside and no food to be seen anywhere. No kitchen staff. Nobody. Seriously, where are those people?

I then walked back into the corridor, before I paused. Wait. How am I supposed to find my room? Every door looks the same! Muttering under my breath I continued my way through the hallways. Another hour (seemingly) ticked past, until I found a door that was not locked or out of order or occupied (at least I had seen a few of the other members, even though they didn't really welcome me into their midst). Pushing down the door handle, I took a look inside the room.

Hmm. There's a bed and a cupboard and a chair. Could be my room. Unless every room looked like this. I sighed and entered the room. But something was different. The door… it seemed to be on the other side. I decided to take a look at the room behind it and froze once I had pulled it open only a little.

A naked back greeted me. Actually, it was a naked backside, from head to toe, slender nakedness. And as if the nakedness of that backside wasn't enough, there were large red scratches and streaks on the pale, otherwise perfect skin. Some looked old, some fresher. I blinked and in my panic, slammed the door shut.

Ah, the noise!

Completely flustered, I just wanted to leave the room, but instead walked in a circle like an animal that couldn't cope with the command it had been given. Suddenly the door of the bathroom opened wide and the owner of the naked backside exited. Yet this time, she was wearing a black robe to cover herself up.

"Ni…" I mouthed, feeling a little helpless.

"Kichirou? What are you doing here?" she asked, only slightly surprised to see me.

"I… I think I… well, I couldn't find my room because they all look the same, so I came into yours and then… the bathroom… and… um…"

"Relax, it's okay," she tried to calm me, smiling at me.

"I'm sorry. I swear I haven't seen anything!" I stared at my feet in embarrassment.

"Sure you haven't," she laughed. "Would you leave now, please?"

"Huh?" I looked up in surprise.

"Let me get dressed, then I'll come by your room, alright?"

"Oh, sure, yes, that would be great!" I smirked, feeling extremely awkward, then stumbled to the door, pushed through it onto the corridor and into my room. Once inside, I slammed the door shut and sat down on the bed.

Oh my God, the awkwardness! Burying my face in my hands, I exhaled loudly. "I'm such an idiot…"

I remained like that for a few minutes, until there was a knock on the door. Jumping up immediately, I almost tripped over my own feet. What the hell was wrong with me? Clearing my throat, I opened the door – and saw nobody.

"Eh?" I took a step into the corridor and looked left and right, but there was nobody.

Another knock came to my ears. Oh! I then realized that it must have come from the bathroom door. I had completely forgotten that me and Ni shared a bathroom. Walking to the door opposite the bed, I grabbed the handle and almost ripped it out of the door when it wouldn't budge.

"You have to unlock it," came Ni's voice through the wood.

And I wanted to die again. Why was I so weird today? I then noticed the small lock beneath the handle, turned it and finally opened the door. Ni's smile greeted me.

"Come in," I said, took a step back and tried to ignore the heat in my cheeks.

"There are locks on each side of these doors, see? So when you're in the bathroom, you have to lock the door that's leading to my room, okay? And when I'm in the bathroom, I usually lock the door leading to yours. It's rather simple once you got the hang of it."

Was she kidding me? I looked at her in confusion. The girl laughed at me and sat down on the bed, where she crossed her legs in front of her. She had changed into the black pants and sweater again, the same I was wearing.

I stood for a moment in the middle of the room, until I decided to close the bathroom door and sit down in the chair next to the cupboard.

"So, are you now officially one of us?" she asked.

"I guess so," I replied and held up my palm for her to look at the cut.

"Wow, it's healing fast, isn't it?"

"Huh?" What was she talking about? I turned my hand around and noticed that the bloody cut was barely visible anymore. But… I blinked, before shaking my head. "Well, anyways… now I have to wait for more instructions from my trainer."

Ni nodded, placed her hands on her thighs and watched me closely.

I watched right back. "Wait, are you my trainer?" I then blurted out.

She laughed again. "No," she said, causing me to droop my shoulders in disappointment. "But I assure you that your trainer will be someone nice."

"Really? I kind of doubt that. When I was looking for my room, those people I met on the way weren't really as friendly."

"Don't worry, you'll all get along soon enough. Have a little patience."

"That's one thing I don't have, really," I replied, exhaling loudly, while leaning back in the chair.

"Another thing you'll learn eventually," she said, tilting her head.

"Say, Ni," I said after a moment, not really sure where I was heading with this thought I articulated right now.

"Yes?"

"Where… did you get those streaks on your back?" I didn't really want to look at her, so I stared at her hands.

"I thought you haven't seen anything," she countered and as I raised my eyes a little, I could see her smirking.

"I… I haven't… I… was just wondering… I… I'm sorry, forget I asked!" I sighed and stared down at the floor.

The growling of my stomach turned into the perfect change-of-topic-device.

"I guess you haven't had the chance to grab something to eat?" Ni asked quietly.

I shook my head. "When I finally found the dining room, there was no one there." I looked up. "Seriously: how am I supposed to find my way in these tunnels where everything looks exactly the same?"

Ni grinned at that. "It takes a while to get used to, I know. Maybe you could mark your door so that you won't walk into other people's rooms anymore."

"Hey, I'm sorry about that, really! I…"

"Don't mention it, it's fine," Ni interrupted me. "So, how do you like your number?"

I blinked at her sudden change of topic. "Uh, well, #32 is… I don't know. I have to get used to that, I guess. Isn't it weird having a new name?"

"I don't know, I never had another name," Ni explained while shrugging.

I stared at her. "Really? But I thought you only met the Old Man when you were seven?"

"I did. But I lived in an orphanage before that. Nobody cared about the fact that I didn't have a name there and they never bothered to give me one. I have never met my parents, maybe they're dead, I wouldn't know. And really, I don't care. Who leaves their child in the hands of strangers?" She sounded bitter, yet at the same time mature enough to talk about her past like that. I wouldn't be able to do that.

"Is that why you call the Old Man "Oyaji-sama"? Because he's like a father for you?"

Ni looked at me a little strangely for a second, before smiling. "You're very observing," she said. "Well, yes, in some sort of way he is something like a father figure for me. He basically raised me. I owe him very much." Her voice dropped a little and there was a certain sadness in her eyes. "Sometimes I wish he wouldn't have done so much for me. Then it wouldn't hurt too bad when I disappoint him."

"I'm sure you never disappointed him. You are his right hand…"

"Believe me, I have, and I keep doing it. I'm not as perfect as he had hoped for me to turn out."

"But… nobody's perfect," I tried to encourage her.

It wouldn't do. She drooped her shoulders a little and looked down. "Kichirou, being in the Herd, the first thing you learn is to perfect your skills. The world is a nasty place and in order to survive in it, you have to be at your personal best. Even more than that. We are trained to be perfect fighters, perfect human beings. Failure is not an option for us."

"That sounds really harsh," I remarked quietly, while watching Ni very closely. She really didn't look very happy. "Maybe you're being too hard on yourself…"

She looked up and met my gaze.

"Can… can I ask you how you think you've disappointed him?" I asked carefully.

Ni parted her lips slightly, then closed her mouth again. "I… I'm not allowed to talk about that."

"About what? How you failed in the eyes of your master or how uncalled for his expectations are?"

She tilted her head. "Kichirou…"

"He's not here, Ni. And unless he has surveillance devices in every room, he probably can't hear you. You know, when something is bothering you, it's better to let go, talk about it, share it with others. Otherwise it will eventually eat you from the inside."

A sad smile crept onto her lips. "That is really kind of you, Kichirou," she said quietly. "But I really shouldn't talk bad about the person, who took me in after I had lost everything. I can't do that."

"But just because he saved your life, doesn't mean you owe him forever!"

She looked at me for another moment without responding.

When she unfolded her legs and was about to get up, I jumped off my chair. "Wait, I didn't mean to offend you – or the Old Man! I… just… you looked so sad about maybe having disappointed him that… well, I wanted to cheer you up. Please don't go, I didn't mean to hurt you…"

Ni got to her feet nevertheless, but instead of leaving, she walked towards me and after a moment's hesitation, pulled her arms around me. I was too shocked to respond immediately. But when I did, I pulled her even closer to me, holding her very tightly, as if her or my life depended on it. I heard her inhale sharply when I touched her back though, so I loosened my grip a little.

"Tell me what happened, Ni," I whispered, while leaning the side of my head against hers.

She grabbed the back of my sweater forcefully and sighed. "I can't, Kichirou," she muttered. "But I'm… grateful for your offer. Thank you."

I had the sudden urge to grab her shoulders and lean her away a little to look at her. She gasped slightly as I did. And indeed, I could see tears glistening inside her eyes. I raised my hands to cup her face, only to feel her hands pulling on my wrists.

"Don't," she murmured and turned away from me to rub at her eyes.

"Hey, it's… okay to cry, really…"

"No, it's not!" she blurted out and stared at me, while still wiping her tears away. "Tears are a sign of weakness. Showing emotions is a human's greatest weakness! We are not allowed to show emotions, Kichirou! Emotions are bad! Crying… is not an option!"

"But…" I was at a loss for words for a moment. The turmoil in her face got to me badly. "But nobody is perfect and having no emotions just turns you into a lifeless robot! You're not a lifeless robot, Ni!"

"But I'm supposed to be one! We all are!" She was breathing faster now, glaring at me out of troubled eyes. "That's why we're all numbers. We are not supposed to become attached to each other. We may operate in teams and learn to fight for each other, but in the end we are all alone. And if we're not perfect, we'll not only endanger ourselves, but the entire Herd. We cannot show failure… no emotion… we…" She broke off, panting horribly, shaking her head in silence. "What are you doing to me, Kichirou?" she then added in a low whisper, looking at me reproachfully.

"What… am I doing?" I asked full of confusion.

"You… are making me think… you make me doubt…" she murmured. "I… all these years I have never once doubted the Old Man and his views. I saw truth in all his words and actions. Whenever he punished me, I was sure to have failed him. I knew he was right, he was always right, I deserved it…" She backed away from me, until she hit the door, her wide eyes still on me.

"Ni…" I had no idea what I had done to cause this reaction from her. Her confusion mirrored mine.

"I'm not perfect," she mouthed in a low voice. "I never was. And he made me feel it. Every time I failed, he would punish me for it. And I would take it. Just like that. Because I thought he was right. I deserved to be punished… because I'm not perfect… that's what I told myself over and over…"

I couldn't stand seeing her like this anymore. What happened to the confident girl, who was so sure about everything? Who convinced me to join this group, even though I had had a bad feeling about it and didn't trust the Old Man? She had made it sound so… perfect to be here. And now she, of all people, was doubting the system? What happened? Was it my fault for telling her to let go? I shouldn't have interfered… I shouldn't have cared…

But I couldn't help it.

Once in my life, I met this girl, who was not only cute, but strong, kind and intelligent, who convinced me that interacting with other people was a good thing and that there were people out there willing to care about me. I couldn't go back now. She had pulled me in and I intended to stay.

That was why I walked towards her, slowly at first, then more confident, and once I had reached her, I placed my hands on her cheeks, looked her hard in the eye and…

This wasn't another dream, right? No. It wasn't. It definitely wasn't.

When my lips met hers, I could taste her tears. I also felt her hesitation and the turmoil raging inside her. All that lasted only a few seconds. At that point, when I leaned back only a little bit to wait for her reaction, the look inside her eyes had changed. I blinked slowly, then moved in again. And this time, she was kissing me back.

I closed my lips around her upper lip, then caressed her lower with the tip of my tongue. She opened her mouth a little for me – and then something like passion ensued. As if all confusion and misery had driven into it. She kissed me back as aggressive as I was kissing her, with our tongues wrestling, our lips entangling, our mouths colliding. My hands held her face in place, while hers crept to my hair, pulling me closer to her. It was a desperate clinging onto each other. And it felt so good.

It left us both breathless. It was her, who broke the kiss first by turning her head away from me. I continued kissing her jaw and neck, but feeling her hands gently pushing me away, I reluctantly leaned back a little to look at her. Her eyes fixated mine. Her lips were trembling. She was panting – and visibly surprised about it.

A smile crept onto my lips.

She blinked. Confusion was plastered all over her soft face. "Kichirou," she mouthed almost inaudible. "We shouldn't be doing this…"

"Why not?" I whispered back, while caressing the corner of her mouth with my thumb.

"It's not… right…"

"That's not a very plausible argument, you know?" My smile grew wider. It felt so warm, so good to be this close to her. It surprised me massively.

"Why… why are you doing this?" she asked very quietly, what made her voice sound deeper than usual.

I tilted my head and pressed my lips onto hers for only a short moment, before leaning back, whispering: "Because I like you, Ni."

She stared at me as if in utter shock. "But you don't even know me! We've met yesterday!" she hissed in complete disbelief.

"I don't care about that. I feel connected to you, Ni, that is all that matters to me." I had no idea where those words were coming from. I had never felt like this before and I had never been that sure about anything. I couldn't explain it and realized that there wasn't always a rational explanation for the things that mattered.

"You're a strange boy, Kichirou," she whispered. "Very strange indeed."

I grinned widely at that. "As long as it makes you happy," I then said, pointing out the only thing I was absolutely sure about. Making her happy. Because seeing her so sad and doubtful was something I never wanted to witness again.

And indeed. She threw me a smile, a weak one, but a smile.

I didn't need more to move in and kiss her again. This time she didn't hesitate at all to respond to my movements. It was a messy kiss, somewhat rough and still a bit desperate. At the same time I couldn't ignore how sweet her lips tasted and how gentle she moved her tongue against mine. It was me, who ran out of breath first. Still leaning against her, my hands holding her waist by now, I rested my head on her shoulder, panting slightly.

I could feel her arms snaking around my body, until she placed her hands on my back, slowly stroking my shoulder blades with her thumbs. It was such a peaceful little moment.

And of course, if there is a moment you don't want to end, there's always something interrupting it.

I didn't even hear the tiny bell ringing in the corridor until Ni flinched badly. I reluctantly let go of her and took a step back. She looked at me, biting her lip as she did.

"I have to go, Kichirou," she said, rubbing at her eyes for a moment.

"Are you okay now?" I asked quietly, watching her closely.

"I'm better, yes," the girl replied and smiled at me. "You were right, sometimes talking about something or admitting something can make you feel better. And… well, that kissing thing…" She looked down and smiled a bit wider. "It was nice as well."

I grinned at that, just as my stomach gave an angry growl. Ni looked up and laughed.

"By the way, it's almost noon. If you leave now, you might make it just in time for lunch."

I didn't know if I wanted to laugh with her or throw her a pout. I decided to smirk. "Thanks for the hint," he replied, scratching the back of my head.

"No problem," she replied and turned around to open the door. "I'm just returning the favor."

Her smile was genuine. And so cute… I had a hard time ignoring the urge to fling my arms around her once again.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

"Yeah," I replied and watched how she opened the door.

She was almost outside, when she turned around again. "Kichirou?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you," she said quietly, watching me for another moment.

I nodded, staring at her in awe, until she turned around and closed the door behind her, leaving me standing in the middle of my room, completely dumbfounded. All the things I had just learned and experienced were swirling around inside my head like a swarm of bees. If it wasn't for the hunger gnawing on the inside of my stomach, I would have stood like that for a long time.

But then sense kicked back in and I left my room to go and find the dining room.

A/N:

Btw, I know there already is a character named Ni in the Naruto world (namely in the third Shippuuden film, Will of Fire), but we all know that Naruto films don't count, right? So, no, this Ni and that other Ni are in no way connected. Not at all, actually.