OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 6: Testing

"Welcome to the Playground," Ni said, watching me closely.

I looked around in awe. Playground, huh? More like a huge adventure course. All of nature's highlights compiled in one big ass room. I was so stunned, I couldn't even watch my language.

There was a complicated obstacle course with fake trees, bushes and grass, caves, walls and fake little hills and even small streams that led into a larger swimming pool-thingy. The walls looked like real mountain surfaces, with rocks and other objects protruding from them. They were leading all up to the ceiling, where small platforms hung from thick iron chains. Then there was a fenced-in area, filled only with tatami-mats. Next to it were some human-looking dolls, fighting puppets of some sorts. On the other side was an even larger area with poles and other objects, all sporting brightly colored bulls-eyes. Near the door was a huge cupboard labeled "Weapons".

This was a playground for boys! Well, and female assassins of course. I looked towards Ni.

"There are a few rules," she just said, while walking towards the cupboard, where she pointed at a large sign on the wall next to it. "No Ninjutsu or other environment-damaging jutsu. No use of weapons outside the designated course. No kenjutsu or battojutsu outside the tatami-mats." She tilted her head and looked at me. "But we won't be doing any of that today anyways."

I frowned.

"Follow me," Ni then said and walked back to the middle of the large area where the fake-nature-course began. I followed her slowly, still a bit puzzled what was going on.

"Ni, wait! Can I ask you something?" I asked while climbing clumsily over a few walls and rocks – that Ni had passed as easily as climbing a set of stairs.

She turned and waited on top of a larger rock. "What is it?"

"Are you really my trainer now?"

She smiled. "Yes, at least for a few weeks."

"How did that happen? And why?"

"Aren't you happy about it?"

"Of course I'm happy! More than that! I'm just confused why I'm getting all this extra treatment…" I almost stumbled over a smaller stone while looking up at her.

She gracefully jumped off the rock and landed soundlessly next to me. "Kichirou, the Old Man agreed to give you a little more time to get accustomed around here. You see, the other numbers were chosen due to what they were able to do, as were you. Yet they are not… They didn't come here the way you did…" She broke off and watched me closely. Then she sighed, putting her hand on my shoulder. "I have to say it, Kichirou. I know it is a taboo of some sorts for you, but it needs to be said."

I watched her, breathing a little harder now. I knew what was coming…

"The truth is, Kichirou, what happened to you left a stain on your psyche. You were able to overcome the physical pain and heal very, very fast. Yet not mentally. Your mind isn't ready to be shaped if it is still occupied with the things in your past. I know you want to suppress it all, but in order to become an assassin like us, you need to overcome your trauma. You need to look ahead. That's why you have to work harder than anybody else and that's why you'll be receiving extra training. And because you don't seem to trust anyone but me, the Old Man decided to make me your personal trainer."

I felt weird. On one hand, I was really happy to be spending even more time with Ni, yet on the other hand, I quickly became overwhelmed by my misery once again. She had opened the door to my past and I didn't like it coming back into my mind. I looked down, trying to breathe evenly. The ground was swaying.

"Kichirou." Ni's voice became distant. I could feel her hands on my arms.

I had to overcome my trauma? That was the first time I (or Ni in that case) actually named what had happened and how I still felt about it. Trauma… Yes, I was traumatized. And I really didn't want to think about that. She was right, I wanted to suppress it… because thinking about it made it so much worse… How was I to overcome something like that?

At the same time, as the memories came crashing down on me, I was being pulled into a tight hug. I couldn't move, when Ni pressed me against her chest and leaned her cheek against mine. She just held me for a moment, before she whispered: "It's okay now, Kichirou. Don't panic. You're not alone anymore, remember?"

I blinked.

Ni raised one hand to place it on my neck. "I'm with you now," she mouthed so close to my ear, I couldn't really hear, but rather feel what she had said.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. Then I hugged her back.

We stood like that for another moment, before Ni asked quietly: "Are you alright now?"

My immediate response would have been something like "No, absolutely not!", but as I thought about it for another second, I reconsidered. As of now, as in this moment, I was alright. The past was behind me. Even though it crept up on me from time to time, it was still behind me. I was safe now. I was with Ni now. And the now mattered the most. I leaned back a little and looked at her. Then I nodded. "I am," I whispered.

She smiled at me and loosened her grip a little.

"Is… is the rule about the training and… well, I know I promised you something, but…" I bit my lip, while watching her very closely.

Ni chuckled and cupped my face. "No, we're not training yet."

"Then it's okay to…"

"It is."

That was all I needed to hear. I leaned in, pulling her body closer to me by putting my arms around her waist. My kiss was hesitant for once, not at all rough or desperate. I just wanted to feel Ni's soft lips beneath mine, feel her warmth, feel her breath so very close to me. Her words echoed in the back of my head. She was with me now… She was… with me… As I closed my eyes, I kissed her deeper, pushing my tongue past her lips, tasting the inside of her mouth, hungrily savoring everything about the intimate touch. She kissed me back with the same appetite.

I had no idea for how long we were glued together like this, but when I leaned back to catch my breath, I realized that Ni looked just as breathless. She smirked at me, before kissing the corner of my mouth, then leaning her head tiredly on my shoulder.

"This was not why I brought you here, you know?" she then remarked, muttering against my neck.

"I guess we both got distracted…" I replied, breathing in the scent of her hair.

"I guess so," she admitted, before she straightened herself. I could feel that she was doing it very reluctantly. It took her one more minute to finally let go of me. When she had peeled herself from my grip, she then took a step back, squared her shoulders and said: "Are you ready for your first training lesson now?"

I cleared my throat. "I am. What is my first training lesson all about then?" Slowly, I got excited again about being at the Playground. I wondered what Ni had planned for me to do. Maybe some sword-fighting in the fenced-in area? Maybe some climbing and platform-jumping or some shuriken and kunai throwing?

"Chakra control," she then said.

I blinked. "What?"

"The first thing to all these disciplines is chakra control, Kichirou. It's the first step to unite your body and soul and prepare yourself for other things."

"Chakra… control…"

"Yes. Follow me!"

Ni turned around and elegantly climbed over some more rocks, before running along a little stream, then stopped in front of the swimming-pool-thingy. It looked like a swimming-pool, but also like a large fake lake – and I only now noticed the big waterfall in the distance that seemed to feed this lake with water. She waited for me to catch up with her, then stepped towards the edge of the water. Without another word, she walked right over the edge and…

Onto the water.

She stood on the surface of the freaking water! I had seriously never seen that before.

"In order to do this," she then explained while crossing her arms in front of her chest – while standing on the water! –, "You concentrate, feel the energy – your chakra – flowing through your body, then let this energy gather in your feet, make it last there and do this." She then walked up and down the lake, even jumped a little – every time without falling into the water.

I was amazed!

"Try it!"

I stood at the edge of the water and… "Um, what exactly am I supposed to do?"

Ni smiled patiently and walked towards me. "Concentrate," she said and grabbed my hands to form a hand seal. "Close your eyes." I did. "Feel the energy inside your body." She was still holding my hands and it was absolutely impossible to feel anything else.

"I can't…" I mouthed.

She let go of my hands. "Try again. Concentrate on your breathing. Breathe in… and breathe out. Listen to the beating of your heart. Follow the stream of the blood rushing through your veins. Imagine it to be energy. Let your mind wander all the way down to your feet along with it…"

I did what she had told me. It sounded easy enough. I was breathing, I was listening to the pumping of my heart, I was thinking of Ni's pretty face, I was trying to imagine how my blood flowed through my veins down my body, I was feeling Ni's lips on mine, I was… I cursed under my breath. "I can't concentrate!" I hissed and drooped my shoulders.

"Why not?" she asked. So innocently…

I looked up at her. "You're making me nervous," I then blurted out the truth.

At first she looked at me a little strangely. "I am?" She looked away for a moment. "I'm sorry. Okay, how about I'll leave you for a while and you try to do this on your own?"

"No!" was my immediate reply.

She blinked. "Okay…"

"Ni, I… I'm sorry. I'll try to ignore that now. Don't leave, please?" I had no idea why I felt so comfortable with her, even comfortable enough to not get embarrassed about pleading or other signs of weakness. With her it all seemed so easy. Well, all but concentrating, that is.

"I'll stay, but I will leave you a little space. Tell me when you think you've gathered your chakra in your feet, okay?"

I nodded and watched her climb up a tree, where she sat down on a bigger branch, crossed her legs in front of her and leaned against the trunk of the tree. "I won't watch, I promise!" she called. "Just relax, okay?"

I nodded and turned back to stare at the water. Closing my eyes, forming the hand seal she had shown me, I tried to pour my chakra into my feet. If only I'd know what exactly that was…

Really: what were those people expecting from me? For sixteen years I had basically lived on the street, traveling from village to village, never really settling down for long. I had never had a home or people who would have taken care of me. The place I stayed the longest was that rundown orphanage that I left when I had been ten years old. And even there, everything those people had done for me was provide me with food and shelter. There had been nobody, who would have taught me the basics of life. All my knowledge (which wasn't much) I had learned by myself. Through work, through mistakes, through secretly watching and listening to other people.

Somehow I had been able to go through life without knowing about chakra control and fighting techniques. I had always been a fast runner. That had been enough… Well, until there had been someone faster… NO! Don't think about that now! Concentrate! It took me quite a bit of strength to focus on the now again. But seriously, how am I supposed to concentrate on something when I really have no idea what it actually is? That's like trying to draw a fish when you have never ever seen one.

I could feel Ni's eyes on me. So she was watching me. Maybe this was a test? Because honestly, does she really expect me to come here and know everything already? I sighed.

Suddenly there was a small thudding sound beside me. I opened my eyes and turned my head. Ni was standing next to me. I blinked.

"Could you do it?" she asked in a curious tone.

I frowned and looked down. "No…"

"I thought so," she replied.

"What?"

"Kichirou, did you really think I would expect something like chakra control from you on your first real day of training? That's something even more experienced people in the Herd weren't able to do at first. I was just testing you…"

I stared at her in confusion. "I knew it…"

She smiled. "I had hoped you would realize that. I'd also hoped you'd learn something else."

"And… what?"

"Well, what did you think about while trying to do this?"

I frowned in concentration while Ni watched me with a curious smile. "I… well, I thought about how…" I sighed. "I realized that I have absolutely no idea about anything."

She smiled wider. "Exactly."

My jaw dropped a little. "What? And that is a good thing?"

Ni laughed. "Actually, it is. In order to learn something, you have to know what you don't know. That's the only way you'll be able to learn it."

I stared at her. I couldn't help but be a little confused. "I see?"

"That's why we're starting your training at the very bottom. We'll meditate, we'll read – yes, I know, theoretical stuff, but believe me, it's necessary – we'll reflect on what we were reading, we'll meditate some more, we'll keep you fit and healthy and then we'll train. And you have to be with me at all times, okay, Kichirou? If you're not willing to do what I tell you, then our training will definitely fail."

I watched her closely. Of course I got what she was telling me, but all the while I kept thinking about the fact that she had used "we" a lot. And I really liked the sound of that… "We…" I thought somehow dreamily. I didn't even care about the fact that I wouldn't really train much. As long as I was with Ni, it just didn't matter.

"Are we clear about that?" she just asked.

I blinked, then nodded. "Yes. I'll do my best!"

Ni smiled. "That's the spirit."

I couldn't help it. I smiled back at her.

"Alright, then. How about we start with an introductory round of meditation?" she then asked, watching me encouragingly.

We ended up sitting somewhere on the fake forest ground, opposite each other, with our legs crossed in front of us. I was mirroring Ni's pose. How her hands lay palm up on her knees, how her torso was relaxed, yet in an upright position, how her mouth was closed and how she breathed deeply in and out. I felt relaxed already. I was ready to meditate – despite the fact that I had no idea what exactly I was doing.

Yet somehow, we turned our inner reflections into an actual conversation. Mainly, because everything that was on my mind was about the girl sitting across from me. And I even began to get interested in the Herd.

And to my utter surprise, she was actually willing to answer all the questions I had.

"I've seen a lot of people come and go around here," she was just replying to my question about the number system and how many members the Herd actually had. "You see, the numbers never just vanish. They are replaced. That way we'll always have a consecutive sequence of numbers. There'll always be a #5 and a #17 and a #32. And that's why there are so many different numbers in each team. Also, new members aren't named in succession, but by the places that are open. Right now there are around 53 numbers here. There is also the possibility that some numbers are interchanged with others, for example #8, Hachi-kun, used to be #42. But when the original #8 died, he became the new one because of his abilities. You see, the first ten numbers, from #1 to #10 are the… let's say, more experienced members of the Herd. Those Ten are allowed to teach the others and go on missions of greater importance and difficulty or generally help out the Old Man with just about anything. It's also very rare that someone will get promoted to be in the top ten as it always implies the death of somebody very talented."

I listened with growing interest. "But didn't the Old Man say that we are all equal?"

"We are. Just because your number is higher than ten, doesn't mean you're not as talented. We are all equal because we are all part of the Herd, we are all part of the same sequence of numbers. We are all the same. Think of us as… a herd of cows. For the outside world we are just a bunch of cows, we might even look the same to them. But if you take a closer look, you'll see the difference between each cow. We are all one, and still we all have one talent that is unique to us."

I tried not to get distracted by the weird cow reference and took my interest to another level. "What is your special talent, Ni?" I felt comfortable enough to ask her such a personal question. The way she looked at me encouraged me deeply.

"Well, I have many talents," she said, tilting her head. "But I guess the talent unique to me is… well, my blood can heal."

I blinked. "Your blood can… heal?"

"Yes, it can heal other people's wounds and diseases. It cannot, however, heal my own wounds. It's more useful for others."

I suddenly remembered the time she had told me about what had happened to her when she had been seven years old and how she had become #2 in the Old Man's army of assassins. The image of the long scars on her lower arms came back to my mind.

"When I was seven, a man wanted to sell my blood on the black market. He slashed me up badly. I have these scars on both arms and legs. I did lose a lot of blood, but as you can see, I survived," she had said when I had been upset about my own scars. She had told me her life's story after only a few minutes of meeting each other. She had been so trusting towards me, even in the beginning I had felt connected to her.

"That's why… well, that's the reason for what happened to you eleven years ago, right?"

She watched me closely and with a hint of amazement inside her eyes. Then she nodded and for a short moment the amazement switched with sadness, only to be covered by a rather neutral look. I wasn't sure if she was suppressing stuff or if she had successfully worked through her own trauma. When she answered, her voice was calm. "Yes. I lived in an orphanage at the time and somehow the secret got out. I was betrayed and ended up... Well, whatever happened, I ended up here and that is the best thing that could have happened." Her smile looked fake for a second as her eyes shifted across the ground.

When she looked up at me, it turned into a real one. I shyly smiled back.

"Tell me more about yourself," I said quietly, momentarily lost inside her warm brown eyes.

She scoffed. "There really isn't much to tell you," she said and shrugged.

"Where did you grow up, for example?"

"That orphanage was somewhere in the Land of Water, but I don't know if I was born there too. Like I told you, I don't know much about my..." She paused and looked down, something dark flashing inside her eyes.

"And you are not curious? I bet with all the power the Old Man apparently has, he might be able to find out more about your past. He may even find your parents!"

When she glared at me, I felt a shiver run down between my shoulder blades. Too far? Yep, definitely. Seeing Ni this angry surprised me more than my ability to always say the wrong things. I was about to apologize, but she shook her head and lowered her dark gaze.

"No," was all she said. I watched her for a second, holding my breath. She inhaled deeply and squeezed the bridge of her nose, before she sighed and shook her head again. "The past is not important, Kichirou," she then said, her voice normal again. "But..." Slowly, she looked up at me, a soft, barely visible smile playing around the corners of her mouth. "But I appreciate your interest in me."

I blinked slowly, then let all air I had held out in a stifled laugh. She watched me with a frown. Scratching the back of my head, I grinned at her. "You sound so formal..." I cleared my throat. "And of course I'm interested in you, Ni! I want to know everything about you and I can't promise that I won't ask you stuff again..."

She tilted her head and watched me, confusion on her pretty features, as well as a tiny hint of a blush on her cheeks. "But... why?" Her voice was a mere whisper.

"Hm?"

"Why do you want to know everything about me?

I decided to show my answer rather than explain it further. That was when I got up, walked around her and hugged her from behind. She immediately stiffened when I pulled my arms around her torso. Her head turned towards me.

"Because," I replied quietly while pressing my cheek against hers. "That's what you do when you like someone..."

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. I held her for another moment in which she didn't move a muscle. Savoring her warmth, I also ignored the raging voice in the back of my head that told me I might have gone too far yet again. Telling her you like her? Already? Way to overwhelm the poor girl! But I didn't care. It got out and all I could do was move on anyways.

"Ni?" I asked while leaning back on my knees, gently gliding my hands over her shoulders before reluctantly letting go of her.

"Yes?" she replied without turning around to look at me.

"I'm… really happy that I met you here…" I whispered, staring at the back of her head.

It took her another second to finally move again. She turned around and stared at me, surprise and appreciation shimmering inside her eyes. I smiled at her, feeling an unfamiliar warmth burning deep inside my stomach. The corners of her mouth twitched. "You are so kind…" she whispered almost soundlessly.

I grinned wider and moved forwards, quickly pressing my lips onto hers, before getting to my feet. "And I mean it. Also, whenever you are ready... you can tell me everything, okay?" I then returned to my former sitting position and watched her turn around slowly again. She looked stunned.

"I… um, I'll try my best," she muttered, clearing her throat. She drew a deep breath, bit her lip and looked down for a moment, shaking her head slowly. "You… you make me feel the strangest things, you know that?" she said when she looked back up.

"Eh?"

"You… hmm. Before I met you, I've never thought about anything else but my being in the Herd. I had forgotten about… or at least successfully suppressed anything about my past. It didn't matter to me. It was not important. But since I've met you, I have been wondering about things, I have been... doubting so much, I have been feeling so many things I've never felt before… You confuse me, Kichirou! You confuse me greatly!"

"I hope that's a good thing!" I chimed in with a broad smirk.

She tilted her head. "I think… it is. I don't know. I really don't know…"

I watched her silently for a moment. She looked a little flustered.

"Why are you so sure about me?" she then asked.

I didn't need long to think about the right answer. "Because I feel connected to you, Ni. I like you."

She didn't look too convinced.

"You're smart and strong and confident. I really feel safe with you. And you give me hope, you know? You made me appreciate life again. And… you're really cute," I added, a little softer, while biting my lip in slight embarrassment.

Ni chuckled at that, while shaking her head.

"You are!" I insisted. "Cutest girl I've ever seen!"

That made Ni stop for a second, before she laughed even harder. "Oh, Kichirou…"

"Hey, I mean it!" I blinked at her reaction.

When she had caught herself again, she smiled at me. "Well, thank you. I just… No one ever called me that before."

"Seriously? Are those people blind?"

"Kichirou…"

"Well, I guess people around here have other things on their minds… shame, really."

Ni watched me quietly, before replying in a low whisper. "I had other things on my mind as well before I met you…"

"So you've never been in love before?" I asked – and stiffened the moment the words had spilled from my mouth.

Ni froze as well, staring at me in confusion.

"I… I mean… um… well, had there ever been someone in your life, who you felt very close to?" I couldn't help himself. I was too curious. And the words were out anyway.

"No," she replied quietly. "Well, there was one… we were close, but not like… that…" She shifted her eyes slightly. "Actually, you were the first boy I ever kissed…" Her voice was almost inaudible.

Her words still met my ears. I could feel the heat radiate off my cheeks. I've been her first kiss? Really? And… wait… Didn't I force her into it? I blinked, realizing how frank and blunt I had been towards her from the very beginning. I had never once thought about how she might feel about it. Suddenly, I felt bad. Really bad. "Ni… I… I'm sorry," I mumbled and got to my feet.

She stared up at me with a frown. "Why?"

"I… all the things I did… I… I'm sorry…" I backed away from her and almost tripped over a fake rock.

"Kichirou?"

"I shouldn't have done all of this… I… about confusing you and forcing you to… I…" I had no idea where the doubts were coming from, but I felt genuinely bad for how I had treated Ni up until now. I could have done everything differently.

Suddenly, she was in front of me. "Kichirou!"

Her firm voice made me stop. I looked at her, feeling slightly out of breath.

"Are you backing out now?" she asked quietly.

Huh? Backing out?

"Because if you are, then you'd really have a reason to apologize to me!" Her eyes fixated mine, while she moved closer to me. "Don't back out," she whispered. "You pulled me in, remember? And I would be very upset with you, if you would leave now…"

What was she saying?

"I… I thought you were serious about me…" she added in a low voice, her eyes moving uneasily over my face.

"I am," I mouthed, staring at her in confusion.

"Then don't say you're sorry…"

"I… won't…" I felt breathless.

Ni watched me very closely, before she smiled. "Do you promise?" Her voice was so quiet. Even though she didn't look like it, I could hear how insecure she was.

I blinked. Then my arms were around her, pulling her swiftly against my chest. She didn't protest, but she didn't hug me back. "I promise," I then replied while pressing my cheek against the side of her head. "I'm not backing out, Ni, because I really like you."

Slowly, almost in super-slow-motion, I could feel how she raised her arms and grabbed the back of my shirt. She held tightly onto me, as she whispered in that low voice of hers: "I like you, too, Kichirou."

At first I had trouble comprehending those five words. The second I wanted to say "What?", it dawned on me. She liked me too. I had heard her. She liked me. I liked her and she liked me. We liked each other. Now I only had to figure out what exactly that meant. Will she still be my trainer? Will there be changes in the future? Will things get awkward? I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply – not without breathing in the scent of her hair – and decided that it really didn't matter.

Ni liked me.

A smile crept onto my lips. And I realized something else.

I was happy.

I hadn't been happy in a very long time.

And I couldn't help it: "Thank you," I whispered into her ear and pressed my lips lightly against her earlobe. She hugged me tighter in response.

The second in which I wished that this moment would never end, I could hear the distant sound of a bell ringing. I knew that sound by now. It meant that Ni had to leave me. I sighed deeply. And even though I missed her already (despite the fact that she hadn't even left yet), I had the feeling that she wouldn't leave me forever. She would be there. By my side. Because she liked me too.

And because I was too caught in the cheesy moment, I didn't realize that happiness never lasted particularly long, especially for me.