OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 8: Trouble

(Kichirou)

A couple of weeks later

"I really have to go now," I heard Ni whisper, but I didn't intend to loosen my grip on her. I kept holding her tightly, ignoring the fact that she was all dressed up and ready to go on her mission.

"Don't," I murmured, pressing my face against her neck, gently sucking on her skin. "Please."

"I have to..." She didn't sound convinced.

"Do you really?" I replied, hugging her even tighter. "Isn't there anyone else for the job?"

"Kichirou..."

Her voice had that edge to it, the teacher-voice that tried to sound superior, but usually failed. After two weeks of training with her, I knew that she tried her best at being an authority figure to me, but all I could see was an insanely skilled and incredibly beautiful girl that I couldn't take my eyes off of. Yet to not hurt her feelings I did what she told me anyways, not because she scared me, but because I wanted to. I wanted to do everything she told me, even the boring stuff.

She seemed to know exactly what I needed – to have a purpose, to become stronger. I understood now that to do just that, I had to train my body and soul, so meditating had become just as important as the countless laps she made me run around the playground. And the more time I spent training, the better I felt. My body was finally feeling good again, I, as a person, felt good again. Better even than I had ever felt before. All because of Ni. I knew that it was all her, her training and her presence.

And whenever she had to leave, be it for a mission or whenever that stupid bell rang, I felt lost. Not whole, as if a piece was missing. She had become the most important person in my life and I was unbelievably thankful. She had given me a purpose. I needed her. More than anything.

I exhaled loudly, resting my cheek against the side of her neck, my arms around her shoulders. "Don't go..." I tried again.

"I'll be back tonight, you know?" she replied quietly, her arms loosely around my waist. "And the sooner I leave, the sooner I will be back. Think about that."

"Hmm," I made and thought about it. Eventually, I loosened my grip and leaned back a little to look at her. She was smiling mildly.

"Good boy," she said with a smirk, reached up, placed her hands on my cheeks and leaned in to kiss me softly. I closed my eyes and kept them close even as she leaned back and slipped from my grip. Inhaling deeply, I tried to accept that she was leaving. Partially at least.

"Be careful, okay?" I said as I opened my eyes and watched her grab her backpack from under her bed.

"Always," she replied with a wink, before moving towards the door. "Remember, you have plenty to do while I'm gone."

I sighed and pushed my hands deep into the pockets of my pants. "Yeah..."

"It's part of your training, Kichirou." The teacher-voice again.

"Yes, Ni-sensei," I mocked, knowing that she hated being called that.

She threw me a glare, then stuck out her tongue at me. I grinned. Shaking her head, she opened the door, not before turning around again, pointing at the dresser and what was lying on top of it. "By the way, no more excuses like "Oh I couldn't read the books you told me to read because I got lost on my way to the library" again, alright? I drew you a map. Use it!"

"Yes, Ni-sensei!" I saluted her with a smirk and watched how she left the room, shaking her head, but smiling as she did so. Then she was gone.

And I was left with a task and a map that was everything but helpful.

First of all, Ni had the worst handwriting, small and narrow and completely unreadable. As for her drawing skills... It had taken me several minutes to even realize that the squiggly lines she had drawn were supposed to be corridors and rooms and staircases. She had numbered the floors and some dorm rooms, but named some of the larger rooms like the cafeteria and the Playground, which I only recognized because of the shape of the rooms. After a long while I had found the tiny word Library (somewhere on the same floor as the Playground), a short jagged line with the dot way too much to the right.

Yet knowing what the map said and knowing where to find stuff in the maze of corridors, where everything looked the same, were two completely different things.

I had left my room, walked a few steps, looked up from the map and was already lost. Off to a great start.

It took me way too long to even find the staircase leading down into the basement. Now, the Playground was one of the doors on the right and the library was supposed to be somewhere on the left. Hoping to find the answer on the map, I held it up in front of my face and continued walking. Instead I found myself pushed back by a door that swung open right in front of me. I jumped back, stumbled and let go of the map.

The three or so pages fell to the floor as a bunch of boys emerged from the room, most of them completely ignoring me as they left into the other direction. So I ignored them as well and bent down to pick up the pieces of the map. Voices grew louder and someone laughed, then I felt someone bumping right into me. I lost my footing, fell backwards and watched how a short, round boy stumbled over me, also falling to the ground.

"Oi, watch it!" the boy mumbled as he was pulled back on his feet by another boy, both of them staring at me as if I was an insect they'd like to crush.

I looked around in surprise. Oh, those guys… Even though I had only seen them once, I could clearly remember who those people were. "Sorry," I merely mumbled and leaned forward to pick up the map. Suddenly, there was a shoe on one of the pages. I froze, stiffened and looked up.

"You're Sanjuuni, aren't you?" the boy whose foot was on the map said. He had spiky blonde hair and small dark eyes. There was a number on his left sleeve: #19. Juukyuu, huh?

"Yeah, that's #32. He used to be in our team," the round boy replied. He had flat black hair and tiny eyes. His number was #41. Yonjuuichi.

"Oh right," the first boy replied, staring unblinkingly at me. "I remember. You left after the first day, didn't you?"

I stared up at him.

"I heard he receives special training now," #41 said.

"Special training?" #19 replied. "Really? Makes you think, eh? I wonder, are you really that special or just too dumb to train like everybody else?"

I clenched my teeth. "That's none of your business," I replied, while pushing the shoe off the map. When I got back up, the pages crumpled in my hand, the other boy stared angrily at me.

"You really think you're special, eh?" he said while moving closer to me, whereupon I backed up until I bumped into the nearest wall.

"No, I don't," I responded stubbornly while looking for a way to push past the group of people surrounding me. What was wrong with those guys?

"Oi, Juukyuu-kun, Yonjuuichi-san, let's just leave, okay? I'm starving!" the third of the boys remarked. He was standing a little behind the other two, looking utterly bored with his hands in his pockets. He had dark hair in a long ponytail and the blackest eyes I had ever seen. The number on his sleeve read #25. Nijuugo.

Yet the other boys didn't care about his hunger. They ignored him. It was when the blonde guy stepped up to me and actually pushed my shoulder into the wall, that I lost it.

"What is your problem?" I blurted out and tried to push the other boy's hand away.

"What is my problem? What's yours, special kid?"

Something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the way the blonde was standing in front of me, or because of what he called me. Kid. That word, even though very subtle, was triggering a memory I had tried to suppress over the last weeks. Icy blue eyes flashed in one of the dark corners of my mind like a warning signal. Yeah. He had called me that. I gritted my teeth. No. I had to try and ignore the emotions welling up inside me. It was no use.

"I don't have time for this," I said through clenched teeth and finally found the strength to push past the other boy.

Suddenly there was a hand in my hair. "By the way, kid, what's with the ponytail?"

I jolted back, when my hair fell into my eyes. Anger was brooding beneath my skin. I turned around and glared openly at the blonde boy, who was swirling Ni's hair tie around his index finger.

"Give it back," I demanded, clenching my fists.

"Why? Aren't you standing out enough even without it?" the small, round boy suddenly chimed in.

"Or is it a gift from your girlfriend?" the blonde added with a smirk.

"Just… give it back!" I said, trying to overcome the anger that made me brace every muscle.

"No."

"Give it back…"

"Say please!" The smirk grew wider. My anger rose.

I had it. Sure, it was just a hair tie, but it was the one that Ni had given me. It was special to me. And those guys… they deserved a punching anyways. This was just the last straw.

And suddenly I jumped forward and rammed my fist into the blonde's smirk. The other boy tumbled back in surprise. Yet it took him only a few seconds to respond. The blow hit my chin with a smack. Under the eyes of the other two boys, me and the blonde guy named Juukyuu continued to fight each other. Hitting each other. Pushing each other. Fists, elbows and knees flew through the air, angry grunting filled the corridor, punches landed and pain ensued.

I didn't care. Hitting the other boy with all my might, defending myself and attacking again, I felt my anger being lifted. Adrenaline kicked in, the pain didn't matter. I had needed that. Letting it all go. That stupid blonde had it coming. It had been his own fault. He shouldn't have provoked me like that. He deserved—

Suddenly there was a hand in my neck. As I was basically sitting on #19, punching his face repeatedly at the moment, I wondered where the hand was coming from. The instant I hesitated, the other boy's fist landed a crucial hit on my nose. Pain shot through me, and suddenly I was being pulled up. Fingers grabbed my neck with an iron grip.

"Hey…" I groaned when the fingers pulled me backwards and let go just in that moment when my back hit the nearest wall. "Ow…" Rubbing the back of my head, I looked up, realizing that my left eye was a little swollen and that my vision was blurry. Actually, my whole body was hurting. But the adrenaline was still pumping through my system, so it didn't really matter.

"This is just too typical, isn't it?"

I knew that arrogant tone. I had heard it only once, but it had left a very memorable impression. And seeing the look of superiority inside these green eyes was just enough. It was no other than Hachi, #8, my former trainer, who had pulled us apart. And apparently, he was taking sides.

"So after being enabled to receive special training, you have nothing better to do than to walk around picking up fights? Is that how it's going to be, Sanjuuni?" Hachi asked, while crossing his arms in front of his chest. That guy… He looked tough, tall, tanned, long brown hair in a high ponytail, green eyes that looked down on everyone, and a smirk that basically screamed "I'm better than you!". I hated him – I didn't know him well, but I hated him.

"I didn't start it!" I said through clenched teeth, wiping a bit of blood from my nose.

"Oh really?" Hachi stared down at me, before he lifted his gaze and looked over to his team. "Nijuugo, who started this fight?

The long-haired boy, who had not said much during the incident, didn't even look at me, when he said: "Sanjuuni-kun did."

I inhaled sharply. "That's not true! He stole my hair tie!" I blurted out and pointed at Juukyuu, who had gotten back to his feet, wiping blood from his lip.

"He… stole your hair tie?" Hachi's superior laugh echoed through the corridor. "Seriously? That's why you punched him?" His laugh continued, only adding to my anger. "How old are you!?" Shaking his head, still smirking, Hachi exhaled loudly, before he looked back at me, suddenly serious again. "Your behavior is endangering the Herd, Sanjuuni. I hope you're aware that there will be consequences to your actions. I will have to inform the Old Man as well. He—"

"But I didn't do anything!" I tried to defend myself. It was true. I had only defended myself. They had provoked me! They were at fault here! Right?

Hachi was glaring at me, darkness glimmering inside his green eyes. "Do not interrupt me!" he said through clenched teeth, very quietly, very low, very dangerously. "I might not be your trainer anymore, but I am still one of your superiors. Behave accordingly!"

"That's so unfair!" I blurted out, not able to restrain myself anymore. I had gotten to my feet, leaning shakily against the nearest wall, staring openly at the older and much taller #8. "Why are you only scolding me? He was involved as well!" I said, pointing at #19 again.

The older man stared at me, his lips a thin line, his eyes getting smaller by the second. "Stop blaming other people, Sanjuuni," he then replied, very calm, but I could feel the coldness behind his words. "You really don't seem to be able to work in teams, you don't even seem to be sociable at all! If you don't change this about yourself, you won't be a member of the Herd any longer. You may be banned. And by banned I mean taken care of."

Taken care of?

"We are all one, Sanjuuni. And if you decide to be someone else, we won't have any other choice but to get rid of you…"

Get rid of me?

I blinked, suddenly remembering the words of somebody else. "You did something wrong to somebody and this somebody was not amused and asked me to get rid of you." Something crawled beneath my skin. My breathing got faster. I felt sick to my stomach. The anger was indescribable. I was so angry, my entire body was shaking. I realized in that moment that I had overcome my misery about what had happened to me. At least I had turned it into rage and hatred. Way better than hopeless agony. I'd rather punch someone than fall into pieces every time I thought about this goddamn trauma.

And right now, I would have loved to punch that stern look on the older man's face.

"…are we clear?" Hachi had just said.

I realized that I had not listened to what he had said. And I didn't even care. Fury was boiling just beneath my skin. It was itching. Unbeknownst to me, I had bared my teeth, lowly growling at my opposite.

"Juukyuu, Yonjuuichi, go back to your rooms. Nijuugo, go to the Old Man and inform him that I'll be taking Sanjuuni to the Room of Silence. Tell him I'll explain my reasons later." Hachi stared at me, while his team saluted him and left.

The Room of Silence? I didn't really register what was about to happen. The only thing I could think about was wiping that superior smirk off of Hachi's face. What was that guy thinking? Why was he only punishing me? I was not at fault here! I—

Suddenly, I felt Hachi's hand in my neck. I tried to wiggle myself out of that iron grip, but it wouldn't do. The older man was too strong. I should have known. He was one of The Ten. I only now remembered Ni's words about Hachi being promoted from #42 to #8. The Old Man must have had his reasons to do so.

"Hey! Let go of me!"

"Shut up and behave for once!" Hachi was pissed. I could tell.

Maybe now was the best time to calm down and try to figure out what the Room of Silence was. I didn't have to think too long about it. Hachi dragged me along the corridor, made a few turns and then stopped in front of a stone wall. Wait, a stone wall? This entire place was made out of wood, why was there a stone wall?

When Hachi suddenly let go of me, I tumbled against the cold surface, blinking. I was about to ask what was going on, when the stone wall began to shake. A few seconds later there was an opening in the wall. I blinked again. And without further warning, I was pushed towards the opening, fell through it and landed hard on my knees.

The ground was cold. I looked up. The ground, the walls and the ceiling were made of stone as well. This was a stone room, a very tiny stone room, more like a stone cube with each wall about 6 feet wide. And it was dark. And cold. I turned around quickly towards the opening, where I could see Hachi, grinning at me.

And then: the stone wall shook again and the opening was gone. Darkness fell.

"Hey!" I felt my heart accelerating. Quickly, I got to my feet and slammed my fists against the place where the opening had been. There was no use. Only pain when my hands began to hurt. "Hey! Let me out!" My voice echoed loudly off the walls.

My breath grew faster. The darkness was thickening, it pushed down on me like a heavy blanket. I couldn't see anything. The only sound was my own heartbeat, pounding loudly inside my ears, and the rushing of my blood inside my head. I knew I was only a few seconds away from hysteria. So this was the Room of Silence? What was this? Some new punishment and torture device? It was working, I could tell. I hated complete darkness, I hated complete silence, I hated being all by myself, all alone with my thoughts and memories.

The last weeks I had tried to repress it all by keeping myself busy. I had done everything Ni had told me; I had read; I had exercised; I had meditated, trying to shut off my mind – and it had worked. But it had only worked because Ni was with me, she had been close by, and I had felt safe in her presence. But she wasn't here with me now. I was all alone. I was locked up – alone with myself.

Realizing that, I sank to my knees, breathing even harder, feeling utterly exhausted.
I didn't deserve to be here. I had done nothing wrong! My hand crept up to my messy hair, feeling the non-existing ponytail. The hair tie was gone. I had lost Ni's precious hair tie. For a moment that was all that mattered. It made my misery grow even larger. I lost the hair tie! What would Ni say if she heard about that? Would she be sad and disappointed? Of course she would be. She had given me that hair tie and I had lost it the first possible moment.

Or maybe she would be sad and disappointed that I had ended up in the Room of Silence? Wait, that would mean I would get out of here any time soon. I hoped I would come out soon, but deep inside me, I doubted it. This was my punishment for pissing off Hachi. And in the worst case scenario, he would forget all about me being here.

But maybe he was just teaching me a lesson. Maybe I would only be in here for a few minutes, a few hours at the worst. I should try to relax and just wait for Hachi to let me out again. And then I would stare up at that damn douche bag and be all like "Ha! I didn't care about this stupid room at all!". Yeah, that was the plan! Don't show him how afraid you really are! Don't show any kind of emotion because that is what he wants to see!

I breathed in deeply and crossed my legs in front of my body, remembering the position I used when I was meditating with Ni. Putting my hands palm up on my knees, closing my eyes, I then started concentrating on my breathing. After only a few minutes, I was suddenly reminded of how much my body hurt. That damn Juukyuu! His punches had been harder than I had thought. And my nose… it was thumping badly. And my knuckles… I really hoped #19 was in the same kind of pain as me. He certainly deserved it!

What a stupid day…

All I had wanted was to find the library and read the books Ni had recommended for me. But I had to encounter other numbers, those numbers, and that damn #8, and I had to be provoked into a fight. It really wasn't my fault, was it? Everyone would have reacted that way… right?

Right?

Maybe not. Maybe it had been another test and I had failed miserably. I was just too short-tempered, too aggressive, too impatient, too easily distracted, too distrustful. Maybe I wasn't even sociable at all, like Hachi had said. But I was sociable towards Ni, why couldn't I be sociable towards others? Maybe because they were boys?

Speaking of which…

Could it be that Ni was the only girl in the entire Herd? Well, I hadn't seen everyone yet, but I'd seen a lot of other numbers during lunch and dinnertime and there had not been another girl among them. But really, who cares? I should feel special that the only girl had chosen me over everyone else. Ni's face appeared in front of my eyes. Her shaggy light-brown hair, the deep brown eyes, so full of hope and sympathy, her ever-smiling lips… The way they felt when they closed around mine, the way her tongue pressed against mine, the way her skin was so warm beneath my fingers…

A sigh escaped my lips.

"Ni..." I flinched when the sound of my own voice echoed off the stone walls. Along with...

My eyes jerked open. At first there was no difference, it was still as dark, yet there was something else. Was there… movement inside the room? A slightly darker shadow creeping closer? I held my breath and waited, staring into the pitch black darkness. But I couldn't be sure. For all I knew there could be someone standing right in front of me, I wouldn't have seen it. The thought caused me deep shivers, accelerating my heartbeat once again.

No. I was all alone. Of course I was. I had to be. Unless… there was another opening. I swallowed dryly. Don't panic! You're all alone in here! You're just imagining things! I tried my best to convince myself, but it wouldn't do. My imagination ran wild. It made me jump up in panic, backing away until I hit the cold stone wall behind me. There and then, I listened.

There was no sound, just the beating of my heart.

It took me a long while to calm down again and tell myself that there was no danger near me. When my heart had slowed down a little, I found myself sitting on the floor, with my back pressed against the wall. I breathed in slowly and exhaled loudly. This was really torture… worse than any physical pain imaginable. Well… almost. Psychological torture. These people really had their ways of breaking one's will. I realized that the Herd was more dangerous than I had thought. From now on, I should not underestimate them anymore.

From now on, I would take my training even more serious – in order to become stronger and better and generally able to endure this sort of torture. At first it had been Ni, who made me concentrate on my training and take a little more interest in everything, but now… it felt as if I had a few more reasons to become a trained assassin.

One of those reasons was standing right in front of me.

I almost choked when I saw the silhouette leaning over me. It took me another second to notice the glowing eyes staring at me. Cold blue eyes. My heart skipped a beat when I felt someone's breath on my cheek. No! I shook my head, closed my eyes only to open them again – but the silhouette was still there. It was when I felt a cold hand on my neck that I jumped up with a shriek.

No! This can't be real! This is not real! Not real! Just my imagination… just my horribly sadistic imagination… just… a memory…

I couldn't help it. I froze. Holding my breath, staring into the darkness, feeling invisible hands touch me, grab me, stroke me, eyes staring at me, unseen smirks making my insides convulse, words echoing inside my head: "tell you everything", "chop you to pieces", "kid", "is that fear", "pretty eyes of yours", "you'll die today", "you'll bleed", "what you have done", "asked me to get rid of you", "pretty little boy", "do it with a smile", "pound some sense into you", "kid", "kid", "kid"…

I gasped in panic when I felt an incredible pain clenching my stomach, an incredible pressure—this can't be true—this can't be real… It's over! All over! This is not happening! But the pain… it felt so real! I cringed visibly, twitching, holding my stomach, trying to breathe properly. The pain… I let out a low scream when I felt my body trembling. Suddenly I lost my balance and fell forwards onto my knees. The pain grew. It felt as if it had forced its way into me and was now expanding deep inside, ready to burst through every single cell.

I couldn't breathe. Rolling onto my side, I pulled up my legs, hugged my knees and squeezed my eyes shut. This was not real! Unbeknownst to me, I was moving back and forth, slowly rocking myself into an endless nightmare. Somewhere between feeling pseudo pain and remembering actual pain, I must have fallen asleep, in the most literal way. I fell, and I kept on falling, until I was not falling anymore.

I woke up breathless. It was still dark, I was still lying on the floor, hugging my knees to my body, but something was different. I could hear voices. Not just inside my head–those were still screaming incoherently–, but from outside the room, muffled. Sitting up slowly, wiping my hair from my sweaty forehead, I listened closely. I couldn't understand everything, only bits and pieces. It didn't make much sense.

"Are you -? Do you have any - have done? I might - from scratch now! Seriously! - you thinking? I've almost had -, - was getting better, he'd almost - his—"

"He deserved -! And I don't - your mission! - acting up! - can't treat him differently in front of -! What -my own mission?"

"- selfish! - a team, remember? - pleading it to your -, but you never - yourself! I really can't -. Idiot! - ruined everything!"

Suddenly there was another noise and soon after there was a rumble, the wall was shaking and then… Light. I raised my shaking hand to shield my eyes and the next thing I saw was…

"Ni!" I said barely audible when the girl knelt beside me, looking at me with great concern.

"Kichirou! Are you okay?" she asked, gently touching my arm.

I blinked. I felt tired. And confused. Ni helped me get into a standing position.

"Come on, I'll bring you back to your room. We have to treat your injuries immediately!"

Huh? Injuries? What… When Ni helped me through the opening into the wooden corridor—that felt awfully bright and much too warm—I noticed the throbbing in the middle of my face, and the dried blood on my hands. Oh. Right. I had been in a fight. A long time ago, it seemed.

I was so confused.

Behind me, a rumble indicated that the stone wall was closing again. Stone wall. The Room of Silence. Right. Flashes of light hit my brain, like a thunderstorm inside my head. Memories of pain and confusion made me feel even more dizzy. The bright lights in the corridors weren't helping either. I had no idea how I had made it into my room. When I turned my head to the side, I saw how. Ni. She was kneeling beside me, a sponge in her hand. I looked into her concerned face once more, before I closed my eyes, feeling rather than seeing how she cleaned my wounds. A moment later, I was gone again.

Before I swept off into an exhausted, dreamless sleep, I realized two things. One: Ni had saved me once again. And two: I was absolutely useless and helpless without her. That last thought had an awful taste to it. A really bitter one.