OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 9: Turmoil

There was one thing that I learned from my stay in the Room of Silence.

Something had to stop: Depending on people. As much as I liked Ni, I had to learn to do stuff on my own. I used to live all alone, managing everything by myself, how did I become so dependent on other people? This had to change! Then again: I was now a member of something, a small piece in a large puzzle made of the weirdest shapes. But did I really fit in with the others? Just because I was another number, didn't mean I was part of the same numeral sequence. I could be the odd one out. Actually, I already felt like being the odd one out. (Despite the fact that my number, 32, wasn't even an odd number…)

So after I had woken up from spending who-knows-how many horrible minutes, hours, days in the Room of Silence, after being taken care of by Ni once again, a thought formed inside my head: Maybe it wasn't the best idea to spend so much time with her. That thought was as frightening as it was horrible. Because I really, really liked Ni and spending time apart from her didn't usually go so well for me. Hmm. Now that I thought about it, every time I had to do stuff on my own, I had ended up in a bad situation. I didn't function without her. And that had to stop!

When did I become such a cry-baby?

Oh right. There was this… incident. Face it, man, that wasn't just an incident. Trauma! Say it with me: TRAUMA! TRAUMA! TRAUMA!

While lying in my bed, staring at the dark ceiling, with my head close to imploding from pain, I clenched my teeth, realizing that I still couldn't think about what had happened without feeling absolutely horrible. I couldn't even think about the things that had happened to me. I couldn't word them! And that was why I couldn't move on. And moving on was a huge part of having a future life, of doing new stuff, of becoming someone again.

There was the time before the trauma, where I was a confident boy, who had no trouble passing the time. Furrowing my forehead, I tried to think about my life before all this happened. Somehow, I had trouble remembering. I knew I didn't have a very good life, that I was orphaned at a very young age and roaming the lands all by myself for a long time. I knew I hadn't been very honest before, remembered how I would steal from other people to get by. The headache grew stronger as I tried to remember the day I had been captured, the day everything had changed.

I couldn't remember anything. Not where I had been, where I had run into the hands of… him. I almost choked on my breath when the memory of those icy blue eyes presented itself in front of my inner eye. Inhaling deeply, I tried to focus on my past once more. I had no idea. No idea what had happened to make my life this hell.

Okay, now calm down. Hell is over, remember? This isn't hell.

You're safe now. That was what Ni had said to me.

But am I? It didn't feel like it. I was still haunted by the memories of my trauma, had the worst nightmares, was trapped inside this wooden place, where my only friend was a brown-haired girl named Ni while everyone else seemed to hate me.

I was here because of my special talents? And what exactly were those? I had always known that whenever I injured myself, I would heal pretty quickly again. Unusually quick. But was that the special talent? The reason why the Old Man saved me from the clutches of death and brought me here to train? If so, why would I have to train when that ability was there to begin with? What made me so special to become a member of this organization that called itself the Herd?

I had no idea.

For how long have I been here now? A month? And in all this time, I had not made a lot of progress. At least I felt like it. I might have learned a thing or two. Chakra control, how to be more agile when it came to rock and tree climbing, how to throw shuriken. I might even have learned a bit about defending myself. But all this had been staged training in a secure environment, my only opponent being Ni – and seriously, fighting her had been the worst thing, because I just couldn't hit a girl and therefore had to endure a whole lot of beating – what on the other hand helped me defend myself even better.

Maybe it hadn't been no progress after all.

Yet I had no idea if I could make it in the outside world. I had to find out if this training had done anything to help me. I had to go outside! And seeing sunlight again would certainly be something too. I had always loved the outdoors, the smell of the forest, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the clouds floating by, the peacefulness of nature. The absence of people. That was what I missed the most. Being outside and being alone. Sure, I also cherished every minute I could spent with Ni, but I missed being all alone, tending only for myself, living on my own. Being myself.

Not a puppet to some old man whose motives I still didn't really understand.

The greater good? What even was that? What was he planning? World domination? And we, his pawns and soldiers, were supposed to fight for him, for that? But why? Sure, the world was a horrible place, I knew that, but it was only like that because of the horrible people. There were nice people as well, the horrible people were just screaming louder than the normal ones. And could the Herd really rid the world of those horrible people? Making the world a better place? But where there was light, there were always shadows.

There was no good without evil.

I had yet to find out which side the Old Man and his collection of numbers had taken.

Sighing deeply, my headache a dull thumping by now, I closed my eyes and tried to get at least a bit of sleep. Whatever was waiting for me, I was ready. I had to be ready. I knew now that I didn't want to end up a puppet nor a punching bag.

A soft knock rang through my mind and when I opened my eyes, Ni was quietly entering my room, fully dressed, as if she had just returned from a mission. I wiped my left eye, noticing for one that it wasn't swollen anymore and also that I apparently succeeded in getting some sleep. Though I still felt as groggy as before. I watched how Ni came closer, feeling something inside me ache.

I wanted her to be closer, I wanted her so badly, but then again, I had to keep my distance if I was ever to stand on my own feet again. I had to stop depending on her. But I also needed her. It was maddening. Sighing in frustration, I closed my eyes and clenched my fists under the blanket.

"Are you still hurting?" I heard her ask and felt how she sat down on the side of his bed.

"No," I replied, forcing myself to keep my eyes closed. If I didn't look at her, didn't see that soft face, those warm eyes, maybe it was easier to distance myself from her.

But then she started touching me. First, she pushed my hair out of my forehead and pressed her palm on it. I swallowed. Then she lightly traced my left eyebrow with her finger, moving downwards to my nose, before placing her hand on my cheek.

"You are completely healed..." she whispered, sounding surprised. I opened one eye, freezing as I noticed how she looked at me. A smile crept onto her lips. "You heal even faster now, it's incredible."

"Is it?" I muttered and turned my head away, away from her touch, away from seeing the warmth inside her eyes.

I felt her retreating, sitting up straighter. "What's wrong, Kichirou?" she asked quietly.

"Nothing," I lied, clenching my jaw.

"Something's bothering you, I can tell..."

"No..."

I heard her exhale a little louder. "Is it something I did?"

The sadness in her voice made me sit up, staring at her with wide eyes. "No!" I exclaimed, unclenching my fists. "It's not you, it's... I don't know..." I could only look at her for a few seconds, before I stared at my hands that were urging to touch her, comfort her, feel her. But I fought it so much I was actually shaking.

Suddenly her hand was on mine, causing me to freeze, before I looked up slowly. "You can tell me..." she whispered.

And I wanted to. So badly. But I couldn't, I shouldn't. Telling her that it would be better if we weren't together anymore, together, whatever that meant, that I needed to learn to be on my own again, that I didn't want to depend on her any longer, would it really help me? I needed her! There had to be a way to have both... become stronger and independent and still be able to see Ni, be with her, have her at my side. There just had to be!

"Well," I said after a moment of getting lost in her eyes. "It's just something Hachi said." It did indeed bug me what that man had said before throwing me into the Room of Silence.

"What is it?" Ni asked, squeezing my hand lightly.

"He said I'm not sociable, cannot work in teams... and if I don't work on that, I will get banned, get... rid of..."

Ni lowered her gaze and shook her head so strongly strands of her messy hair flew around. "Who is he to judge you like that?" she muttered under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

"He has a point though... I'm not sociable. I hate other people," I admitted quietly. "I have always rather been alone..."

"Do you hate me?" Ni asked.

I looked up. "Of course not!"

She smiled. "And would you rather be alone right now?"

It took me only a few seconds to answer that. Making me realize what I really wanted. "No," I said and slipped my fingers between hers. "I want to be with you..." I added while staring at our entwined hands.

"Kichirou," she breathed, and as I looked up, I noticed how moved she was. The red spots on her cheeks made her look even cuter. I caught myself staring at her in awe for a moment, completely ignoring how she avoided my gaze and even issued a nervous laugh. "Kichirou?"

"Hmm?" I made and blinked in surprise.

"Please stop looking at me like that..."

I blinked again. "Like what?"

"Like... you want to..."

I couldn't help it. I had to move in. She looked too cute, so embarrassed, yet so cute. I let go of her hand and cupped her face, feeling her warm cheeks under my palms, meeting her surprised gaze. "Want what?" I breathed against her lips as I brought my face so close to hers that our noses were touching.

She held my gaze. When she answered, her voice was even lower than usual, almost vibrating against me. "Eat me." It sounded like a command, causing me to swallow, feeling an icy, but pleasant shiver running through my body.

Despite the hunger her words had awakened inside me, my kiss was gentle, almost careful, hesitant. She leaned against me and mirrored my movements, her hands finding the front of my shirt. Her mouth was warm and soft against mine, feeding the sensation. I moved my hands into her hair, deepening the kiss by gently forcing my tongue past her lips. She responded immediately, moving her tongue against mine with the same hunger.

When I leaned back a little to catch my breath, I saw her smiling. Kissing the corner of her mouth, I knew that it wouldn't help anyone if I decided to stay away from this girl. I needed her and apparently, she liked to have me close as well. Closing my arms tighter around her shoulders, I leaned back, causing her to fall on top of me as my back hit the mattress. Her soft laugh echoed in my ears as I looked up at her. She smiled at me, then quickly pressed her face into my shoulder as she lay down more comfortably next to me.

"This was really not why I came looking for you," she whispered against me, chuckling a little.

"I thought you wanted to check on my wounds," I replied, tightening my arms around her.

"Hmm, yeah, that I did, I guess," she said. "Also, I was curious..."

"About what?"

"What happened yesterday?" Her voice was soft, but I could tell that she wanted me to answer. Wanted to know how I had ended up in the Room of Silence.

I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes as I did so. "They provoked me..."

"Those boys from your former team, right?"

"Yeah. They treated me like... I was trash. And..."

"And?"

I raised a hand to my hair and ran my fingers through it. "That one guy took your hair tie," I whispered. "I'm sorry I lost it, Ni..."

"Don't worry about it," she replied quietly. "It's just a hair tie."

"But it meant more to me. It was special to me. And he just took it and... then I lost it, I guess. It all came together. I was so angry all of a sudden..." I lowered my hand, clenched it and stared at the white knuckles. "I have never felt that angry before, you know?"

Instead of replying, she placed her hand on my chest, right above where my heart was beating just a little bit faster.

"How are you feeling now?" she asked after a moment of silence.

"Better," I muttered, pressing my lips to the top of her head. Her hair smelled like cold night air. Like the outside. "Ni?"

"Hmm?"

"When will I be able to go outside again?" I asked quietly, trying to ignore her fingertips drawing circles on my stomach.

"Soon," she replied. "You miss it, don't you?"

"Yeah," I answered without hesitation. "But this is nice too, so I guess I can wait..."

She chuckled against me. "Learning how to be patient, you are really getting there."

"So I'm not as hopeless as the others think?"

At that, she propped up on one elbow and looked at me, her smile gone, a serious look in her warm eyes. "Don't listen to anything anyone says, okay? They just don't know you like I do. You have so much potential, Kichirou," she said and tilted her head a little. "Yeah, I know, I sound like the Old Man, but it's true. There's something about you... something special. You are special, even if you can't see it yet. Maybe that is what you need to work on: believe in yourself. Trust in yourself and your abilities. I know you can do it. And if you want me to, I am here to help you with that."

I stared at her, a little taken aback, overwhelmed even, unable to do or say anything. "I..."

She watched me, her eyes wandering over my face, the hand that had drawn circles on my stomach holding the hem of my shirt. Slowly she sat up straighter, slipping from my arms, still watching me. And then she lifted up my shirt, exposing my stomach. I felt it before I lowered my gaze: she pressed her hand on my abdomen.

"Look," she said and I had already noticed. "Your scars are gone."

I nodded slowly, not sure what she was saying.

"You healed yourself, your body, now you should focus on healing up here," she whispered and raised her other hand to place it on my head, gently stroking my messy hair. "Once we overcome the things that hold us back, we can become even better versions of ourselves. Stronger. Able to do anything we want."

She lowered her hand and looked down, something dark crossing her features.

"I'm supposed to tell you that you should become stronger for the Herd, to fight with us, for us, for the greater good, for a better world, but to get there, you have to first fight for yourself. Believe in yourself, Kichirou," she added in a low whisper, looked me in the eye and then leaned closer to gently press her lips to mine. "I already do."

My heart accelerated as I felt her touch, so warm, so innocent, so comforting, but in response, something darker and much wilder, buried deep inside of me, came to life and I couldn't help but grab the back of her head and deepen the kiss with a force that caused Ni to issue the tiniest of yelps. Somehow I ended up pressing her into the mattress, holding her face, kissing her hungrily, my body pinning her down. If she was surprised or irritated, she was hiding it well, though she didn't seem to mind. Instead I could feel her hands snaking around my torso, grabbing onto the back of my shirt, forcefully pulling me even closer down to her.

This time, I completely lost it. Our kiss felt like a fight, both of us trying to gain the upper hand, trying to taste each other, feel each other, owning the other, feeding the heat that resonated from deep within our bodies. Even though she was wearing her formfitting uniform and vest, I tried to push past her clothes, trying to find some skin, but no such luck, I ended up feeling her up through the thick fabric, caressing her back, gripping her waist, stroking the inside of her thighs. She had it easier and soon enough she had rid me of my shirt and was about to push beneath the hem of my pants, when I heard it. In the far distance.

And I cursed it.

Cursed the tiny bell and what it indicated. Cursed the Old Man for interrupting us. For calling for the girl that I needed way more than that stupid man ever could. Ni had stopped moving beneath me, looking up at me, completely out of breath and in the same turmoil as me.

"Bad timing," she simply breathed and tried to push past me, make me move, make me let her go.

But I didn't want to. I grabbed her wrists and pushed them into the mattress, holding her in place, breathlessly watching her. Wanting her.

"Kichirou."

"No," I said and already moved in again, completely ignoring the bell ringing in the background.

"Kichirou, please," she pleaded in a husky voice, moving against my grip. I knew that she was stronger than me, that she could easily push past me, but as she didn't, I knew that she didn't want this to stop either. "I have to go," she said needlessly.

I was kissing her neck, sliding my tongue over her warm skin, when the bell seemed to become louder. Almost deafening. As I raised a hand to cover my ear, she used the moment to slip off the bed, away from me. Over the noise of the ringing, I turned my head to her, watched her, how she straightened her clothes, tried to tame her messy locks, how she looked at me with absolute regret, mouthing "I'm sorry", before she left the room.

Eventually the bell grew quieter and as I was kneeling on the bed, Ni's shape still warm and pressed into the cushions beneath me, I knew what I had to do. I would become stronger, I would become a better version of myself, but I wouldn't do that for the Herd, for the greater good, for that stupid old man. I was doing it so that one day, I could save Ni from his clutches.

A/N:

A little fluff before things will get a little different in the next chapter. Stay tuned!

Btw: Whoever is reading this, first of: thank you! I hope you enjoy what I'm writing! And second: I would love to know what you're thinking about this twisted tale so far. Thanks in advance!

See you in the next chapter!