OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 10: Tainted

A/N: Warning! Later parts of this chapter will get a little graphic, a little brutal and a little sexual. I apologize in advance. Especially for including the word Ecchi.

(Ni)

I failed. I failed miserably, I thought as I ran all the way to the Old Man's office, already knowing what was about to happen. He would punish me, for being late, for failing. For losing it. And I knew that I deserved it. For letting myself go. For enjoying it.

I was completely out of breath when I reached the door to the office, raising my hand to knock, as it swung open. To my surprise another face greeted me, a smirk I had not expected to see. A welcome change of plans.

"Hachi-kun?" I straightened up and cleared my throat, when I noticed the Old Man behind him. "Oyaji-sama," I added and bowed my head.

"Come in, Ni," the Old Man said, his voice deep and grim.

I nodded and pushed past Hachi, then knelt in front of the desk, bowing deeply. Behind me I heard how the door was closed.

"Concerning what happened yesterday," the Old Man cut right to the chase, "is there anything you like to say, Ni?"

"Yes, Oyaji-sama," I replied and looked up. "What Hachi-kun did, was completely unacceptable!"

"Why is that?" the older man interrupted Hachi's attempts to chime in from somewhere behind me.

"He was jeopardizing my mission, Oyaji-sama. Sanjuuni-kun is trusting me blindly, he felt safe, ready to be molded. Putting him into the Room of Silence had been a mistake. It put the progress I made with him at risk. Punishing him, even treating him like he does not belong here, will not be in favor of our cause. He might project his anger against us instead of the world out there. We do not want that."

The Old Man watched me for another moment, before he nodded. His gaze wandered over my shoulder. "Anything to add, Hachi?"

"Like I already told you, Oyaji-san," Hachi said and stepped next to me, not kneeling, not bowing his head, as usual, "I believe Ni-san is a way bigger threat to our cause than what I did." His words cut into my skin like knives. It took everything I had to remain calm. "It's not the way to mold a troubled soul. You're pampering him, didn't you notice?" I felt his gaze on me. "You treat him as if he is something special –"

"He is special!" I replied coldly and stared up into those green eyes. "And after everything he's been through, I do think it is the best way to treat him nicely."

"There's a fine line between treating someone nicely and pampering him, don't you think?"

"We want him to like it here, right? This is my mission, I am supposed to convince him to fight for us, not against us. How I do things is completely my business!" I held Hachi's stare until the Old Man cleared his throat.

"Ni," he said and I looked back at him. "We'll talk about your mission later. For now I do have a few concerns." I felt a single drop of cold sweat run down between my shoulder blades. "These last few weeks I noticed that you have changed. You are late, can't stay focused for long, you –"

"With all due respect, Oyaji-sama," I interrupted him, causing him to frown at me. "I have never failed a mission, I have always brought back the required information and results. I am not a threat to the Herd. The Herd is and will always be my top priority. You assigned the mission concerning Sanjuuni-kun to me and I am working on it. I told you he is still traumatized and results in this case cannot be rushed. You agreed that I should take my time. I am taking my time. And as with all my missions, I am deeply involved and –"

Next to me, Hachi let out a stifled laugh. "Oh yeah, deeply involved indeed..."

I threw him a side glance. "I always give it my all, Oyaji-sama. I have not changed. I'm doing this for you, for the Herd, for our cause. I beg you not to doubt me." With that, I bowed my head deeply and waited, my heart racing inside my chest.

"I guess you leave me no other choice," the Old Man said and I looked up cautiously. He was staring at a bunch of scrolls on his desk. "Alright, for now, we'll postpone the consequences of the Room of Silence incident. Thank you for your input, Hachi. You may go now."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the other man nodding, turning and leaving. As I looked back to the Old Man's desk I felt a cold shiver running down my spine. Behind me, the door closed, in front of me, the Old Man picked up a small black object.

The hair tie. "Do you know this, Ni?" he asked.

I nodded, trying to do so in the most nonchalant way possible.

"You gave this to Sanjuuni. This tiny thing caused him to snap, Hachi said."

"Oyaji-sama, if I may," I began, holding his gaze. He nodded. "Sanjuuni-kun told me that he was provoked by his former team-members. They bullied him. I agree, he does not have the best social skills, but it was not his fault that he ended up defending himself –"

"I heard he started the fight."

I clenched my jaw. "Even if he did, he was pushed into a corner there. He had no other choice. After everything he went through, don't you think it was natural for him to do just that?"

"You're saying it was okay to attack other members of the Herd?"

"No! It is not okay, but –"

"Ni, you're taking sides."

I lowered my head and stared at the floor. I was about to agree, as something crossed my mind. "As did Hachi-kun," I replied quietly and looked back up. "He was protecting his team. Did he punish Juukyuu-kun for fighting back? I don't think so." I straightened myself. "I am protecting my team as well. I have been training Sanjuuni-kun long enough to know that he is not the type of fighter to pick fights at random. He can defend himself, he acts when cornered. He is still like a wild animal, he bites back when provoked. I am working on channeling that energy for our cause, Oyaji-sama. I only ask you to trust me."

The Old Man studied me sternly. "I can see your point, Ni," he said after a while. "And I always admired your methods. Yet in this case, I believe your judgment is clouded. You are too involved. I feel Sanjuuni influences you more than you are supposed to influence him. Don't you agree?"

I clenched my fists, the only movement I allowed myself as the Old Man couldn't see it from behind his desk. "I agree that, apparently, it was the wrong approach for this mission. I wanted to gain his trust, therefore I had to open up to him. I was playing a role, Oyaji-sama, I still am. I might have taken it a little too far, but as there was no harm done, I don't see why I shouldn't continue playing this role."

"Do you want me to wait for something to happen? Something that could endanger the entire Herd, Ni?"

"No, I –"

"I cannot take that risk, you know that." The Old Man got up from his chair and walked around the desk. I bowed my head and tried to remain calm. "For now, I cannot allow you to go on solo missions anymore," he announced as he sat down on the edge of the desk, watching me. I stared at my hands. "Also, I think, for your own sake, you have to take the Test."

Something cold crept up my neck as he mentioned the Test. I swallowed hard, feeling my heart accelerate. "As you wish, Oyaji-sama," I replied quietly, bowing deeply.

"I'll make arrangements for this afternoon."

"Yes, Oyaji-sama." I closed my eyes, trying to keep my composure.

"Earn my trust again, Ni, and all will be well. I have not forgotten what you have done for me all these years." I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"I will not disappoint you, Oyaji-sama," I muttered to the floor, before he squeezed my shoulder and motioned me to stand.

I felt my knees buckle as I got up, yet did my best to not let it show. Straightening in front of him, I waited for further instructions.

I watched him walk around his desk again and sit down in his chair with a sigh. "You have always been one of my most trusted servants, Ni, always the best, the fastest, the most respected. If it wasn't for my own son, you would have been my #1. So it pains me even more to see you like this. Maybe it's been a mistake, maybe we underestimated this boy..."

I swallowed, clenching my jaw to keep the emotions down. All of them.

"But we will see. Keep at it, but be careful. Remember where your loyalty lies."

"Yes, Oyaji-sama. I will." I bowed deeply, waiting for him to finally let me go.

A few sighs later, he released me. I nodded, bowed again and left, trying not to show my relief. As soon as I was outside and the door behind me closed, I felt my heart racing and cold sweat drenching my forehead. Inhaling deeply I walked towards the staircase. I made it to the last step, then took a left turn, opened the door of the nearest bathroom, made sure I was alone, then threw up in the sink.

I have never felt this miserable.

All those lies. All that effort to try and soften the situation. Was it all for nothing? The Old Man didn't trust me anymore, I knew that now. And the worst thing: he was right. I was too involved. Those last weeks with Kichirou had greatly distracted me. If I had focused on the task at hand, I would have already convinced him, made him another mindless pawn, another fighter for the greater good. But he still doubted the system, even more so now after he had spent a few hours in the Room of Silence.

If only I hadn't left for that mission that morning. If only I hadn't made him find those books on his own. If only I hadn't isolated him that much... it was all my fault. I had trained him and him alone. For himself. Like I had told him: Become a better version of yourself, fight for yourself. Somehow I had started to doubt the system myself. Doubt the Old Man and his intentions. Doubt my own role in our cause. I had started to do the things that I wanted. Be with Kichirou. Be myself...

Wiping my mouth, I looked up into the mirror. My reflection was pale as a ghost, my hair messier than ever, my eyes full of regret and... fear. Be myself. The biggest lie I ever lived. I was a good liar, a good actor, all those infiltration missions were proof of that. But did I take it too far? I wanted him to trust me... and he fell for it. Poor, innocent Kichirou. If he ever found out, about the mission, about... me... what would he do? What would I do?

I lowered my gaze, turned on the faucet and splashed cold water into my face. It didn't help much.

I was done for. I knew it. My time here was over. Once Kichirou knew the truth, once I failed the Test which I most certainly would, once the Old Man decided to get rid of me. I was done for. I felt everything break apart around me. It wasn't my first moment of despair, but the loneliest one.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, slowly looking back up at my reflection. With every breath I regained a little bit of composure. I have to endure. I have to survive. I have to become a better version of myself. I have to try to fix this, I have to try not to break it at all.

I have to.

I spent another hour or so it felt in front of the mirror, trying to convince myself that I could do it. Anything. I could do anything. I have to. When I was nearly ready to move again, I could already hear the distant ringing of the bell. It was always the bell for me. There were different sounds for each of the Ten. I had no idea how exactly it worked, but I would only hear my sound, whereas others could not – unless they were close to me (like Kichirou had this morning). It was a pretty easy system, somehow old-fashioned though. But that was how the Old Man ran things. Following old rules, teaching old views. Creating a common enemy, training us to stand against it in unison. Controlling us with fear.

Testing us with torture.

I swallowed hard as I walked to the Old Man's office for the second time this day. It was never easy to approach it. He was the highest authority figure, the man I owed the most. The man I had to respect no matter what he did. However he treated me. Inhaling deeply, I gathered all my courage and knocked on the door.

"Come in," a voice called, causing me to pause for a moment.

As I followed the command, I realized whose voice it was. Not the Old Man's. After closing the door behind me, I took my usual spot in front of the desk, knelt down and bowed my head deeply, only catching a glimpse of who sat behind the desk.

"Ni, always so formal," the voice said and laughed. "Come on, get up already."

I raised my head hesitantly, then stood up slowly, holding the gaze of the blue eyes that smiled at me.

"Aniki," I said quietly. "What a surprise."

The man behind the desk, about seven years older than me and still something like a brother to me, stretched out his arms and smiled even wider. His dark hair was short, his features lean, but muscular. He was tall and had the same broad shoulders as his father. Ichi, #1, the only real kin the Old Man had in the Herd, his only son, said to be his true successor.

It had been two years since I last saw him.

"Is that all the greeting I get?" he asked, waiting for me to move.

For a moment I couldn't. Physically couldn't. Then I forced myself to. Slowly walking around the desk, my head low, I only stopped when I felt his arms around me as he hugged me tightly. Brutally even. When he leaned back, he grabbed my chin and made me look up.

"You haven't changed a bit," he said with a smirk. "Still as humble and awkward, huh?"

I clenched my jaw and swallowed my pride as I slipped back into the role I had played two years ago. "You certainly look older, Aniki," I said and threw him the best grin (more like grimace) I could muster. "Must have been a tough mission."

"Oh the stories I could tell you," he laughed and let go of me, patting me on the head as he walked past me around the desk. Treating me as if nothing happened. As if he had left only a few days ago. "But enough about me," he added and sat down in the Old Man's chair, watching me with a smile.

I stepped back a little and waited for whatever was coming.

Ichi looked me over for a few seconds, before he continued. "So, I heard you got yourself a disciple. That's a first, huh? You usually only recruit and instruct the newbies, don't you?" I nodded. "So, how is it, Ni-sensei?"

I cleared my throat at that, suddenly seeing Kichirou in front of my eyes, calling me just that. Of course I had found it weird being called sensei by someone only a few years younger than me, but deep inside, in the place of well hidden emotions, I did indeed like it. But that was something nobody else needed to know, especially not Ichi. "Bothersome," I replied and rolled my eyes, trying my best to keep up the act.

"Hmm." Ichi watched me even more intensely for a moment, the smile slowly fading. "Well, how about we take a good look at that student of yours?"

I stared at him. "What?" was my first response, as it took me completely off guard. "I... actually, I'd rather wait for Oyaji-sama, I was supposed to meet him now."

"I know," Ichi said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

I blinked. "You..."

"He asked me to meet you instead. I will test you, Ni."

His words echoed inside my head, bounced off the walls of my skull, did several nauseating somersaults, before they eventually made sense. He was going to test me. I knew in that moment that I would fail. Despite all my preparations.

"I see..." I muttered and lowered my gaze. Suddenly he appeared next to me and pulled his arm around my shoulders. I stiffened.

"Hey, don't worry! It will be just like old times!" he said and I had feared him to say just that. Like old times. The last time he had tested me had been two years ago. I barely passed that time.

"So, let's find your student, okay?"

I looked up, puzzled. "Why?"

"It's part of the Test," he replied.

It could only get worse, I mused. Yet it came different than I thought.

Ichi made me follow him to the Playground, yet we ended up in the little room with the big window that overlooked the entire fake landscape. From the Playground the window was invisible, hidden right behind the large, fake waterfall that fed the large fake lake in the middle of the room (not sure how it worked, but looking through the water was no problem from this side). I swallowed hard as I recognized the figure meditating right on the water's surface. Ever since he had mastered chakra control (only a few days ago), Kichirou loved to walk and stand and sit on the water. It kind of beat the purpose of meditating, where he was supposed to let go of it all, not concentrate his chakra to stay above the surface, but it had really helped him focus.

Seeing him train on his own really warmed my heart. I had not expected him to find the will to do this without me.

"You picked one of the pretty ones, huh?" Ichi whispered from right behind me, making my hair stand on end. "But I heard he is quite resistant to learning and to understanding what's important here, right?"

"He still has his doubts about us," I replied quietly. "I'm working on that..."

"Are you really?"

"Of course I am."

"And you're not distracted in any way?"

I squared my shoulders. "No."

"Alright, stand there and tell me what the ECCHI-Test is, Ni." Ichi's voice had gotten darker, more professional. I stood where he told me, my eyes still on the window, while he moved around some of the furniture scattered about the room.

"ECCHI stands for Endurance, Composure, Control, Humility and Integrity," I recited, trying to focus on the words rather than their meaning.

"Right," Ichi said, as he pushed a table from one side of the room right in front of the window. "And what do those words stand for?"

"Endurance. Can I endure even the greatest of pain and torture?" I kept going, closing my eyes as I did so. "Composure and Control. Can I stay in control in the most difficult of situations? Humility. Can I remain submissive and obedient under the lowliest of circumstances? Integrity. Can I be trusted and relied upon when my life is on the line?"

"Very good," I heard him say. "Now take off your clothes."

I opened my eyes, inhaling deeply. The first test. Testing my shame levels. I had no shame, really. My body was merely a tool and I had never any trouble undressing in front of others. The only reason why I was still a little nervous, was the man leaning against the table, watching me closely.

I will endure, I thought as I started undressing. I am in control. I will obey. I have to earn his trust. I kept repeating this like a mantra until I placed all my clothes on a chair nearby, standing stark naked in front of Ichi, trying to ignore his gaze wandering over my body.

"You are skinnier, are you not eating well?"

I clenched my fists. Not the time and place to chat so intimately. "I eat just fine," I replied shortly.

Ichi looked me over once more, before he pointed on the ground before him. "Kneel," he ordered and I did as he told me. "Bow." I closed my eyes as I rested my forehead on my hands that I had put flat on the ground in front of me.

A minute or so nothing happened. I waited, repeating the mantra inside my head. Endure, control, obey, trust. Then I felt his hands on my back. "These are new. I guess he changed the test over the years, huh? Or did you disappoint him that often?" Endure, control, obey, trust. He traced my scars with his finger, slowly, almost gently. I tried my best not to remember how I had gotten them. "Well," I heard Ichi say, "where there are a bunch, one or two more won't be really noticed, right?"

I braced myself, but still flinched badly as the first lash hit my back. Endure. Gritting my teeth, I focused on my breathing. In and out. Breathe in and breathe out. Another crack split the air, first hurting inside my ears, than resonating through my entire body. Endure. Breathe and endure. Breathe. The pain was throbbing beneath my skin, the stench of blood filling the room. I exhaled loudly as I heard something fall to the ground right next to me. I slowly opened my eyes, turned my head a little and saw a belt very close to my face, blood dripping from its leather surface.

"Get up," I heard Ichi order. I obeyed, ignoring the burning wounds on my back. It really wasn't that bad. Somehow I had managed to get used to getting lashed. Though it wasn't anything to be proud of.

As I stood up, my gaze fell through the window into the Playground. Kichirou was no longer meditating on the water, he was climbing a tree. Sometimes using chakra control, sometimes the old-fashioned way. He had gotten so much stronger.

The sound of metal made me lower my eyes. Ichi was standing next to the table and placed a bunch of kunai on the surface. I braced myself for another endurance test.

"Place your hands in the middle of the table, palm down," he said and I stepped forward and did as he told me. "A little further apart," he corrected me and I did as such.

Knowing what was coming, I still felt my insides protest. Endure, endure, endure, I chanted inside my head and raised my head to stare at the ceiling. Without further warning I felt it before I heard the thud as the kunai went right through my hand and into the wooden tabletop, pinning me in place. The pain was blinding for a moment, even more so as it happened to my other hand as well. I inhaled deeply, not able to stifle the cough that got stuck inside my throat.

"Endure!" Ichi hissed and I felt his fingernails clawing at the scars on my back. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed against the pain.

"Endure," I muttered, barely audible.

"What was that?" His voice was so cold. It pained me more to see and hear him like that than my actual injuries.

"I will endure," I repeated, louder, stronger this time, fighting against the shaking of my voice.

"Good," he said and smacked my back with his bare hand. I covered the flinch by breathing loudly through my nose. "Now, free yourself and hit the target behind you," he said. "Go."

I opened my eyes and looked down at the table in front of me. Just to see if it did something, I moved my fingers, trying to unstuck my hands by simply pulling at them. But the sudden pain that jolted from the wounds through my nervous system made me realize that it wouldn't work that way. So there was not much I could do, other than to bend down, close my teeth around the handle of one of the kunai and jerk my head back. It took a few tries and more waves of pain, but eventually I got the knife out of the table and my hand.

Taking a deep breath, I ignored the open wound and the blood spilling from it, grabbed the other kunai with shaking fingers and yanked it out of my other hand, before I spun around, let my eyes find the target (a simple X painted on the wall) and threw both kunai in rapid succession. Both landed right in the middle of the target. Once I had finished my task, I noticed the pain again, the throbbing, the stench of blood. Almost curiously, I raised one hand and stared through the little opening inside my palm.

Suddenly Ichi was next to me and grabbed both of my hands. "Let me take care of that real quick, we don't want to waste anything, right?" he said and I felt something warm rush through my hands as he guided his chakra through my cells. The green glow mesmerized me for a moment. I watched him concentrate on healing me, his face a mere mask. When I remembered the last time I had witnessed his healing (so many years ago), his hands hovering over my skin, the warm sensation so soothing and comforting, I had to lower my gaze and shake my head a little.

Not the best time to dwell on old memories...

"As expected," I heard Ichi say and noticed that he was done and had left my field of vision. "You're doing just fine until now. You can handle your pain, I always knew that." I found him leaning against the window with his arms crossed in front of his chest, watching me. "But for the real test... I don't know." He turned his head and looked through the window, observing a still tree-climbing Kichirou, who had somehow lost his shirt on the way and was training bare-chested. I realized why Ichi wanted to do the Test here. Suddenly I knew.

"Composure and control, Ni," Ichi whispered, as he pushed off the window and walked towards me.

I stiffened when he placed his hands on my shoulders and came to a halt right behind me, turning me towards the table, making it impossible not to look through the window and in Kichirou's direction. I swallowed hard.

"There are so many distractions in the world, so many things trying to seduce us, trying to manipulate us..." His deep voice was resonating through me as he leaned closer and spoke directly into my ear. It already took me a lot to control myself right here and now. "We have to fight those temptations. Focus on the goal. Stay in control. Can you do that?"

As he asked that, he had slipped his hands from my shoulders down around my waist, pressing his palms flat against my hipbones. I inhaled deeply.

"Yes," I replied, unconsciously holding my breath as he moved even lower.

"What was that?" He was basically leaning against me, so close and warm, like a shadow, a very demanding shadow.

"I can stay in control," I said, forcing myself to focus on my words rather than the touch of his hands. "I will not be distracted."

"We shall see," he whispered, his mouth so close to my ear I could feel his hot breath.

I squared my shoulders and moved my feet a little to have a firm stance. Though I had my doubts, I wanted to pass this Test. I have to. There is no other way. Staring straight ahead, trying not to focus on how Kichirou was doing pull-ups on a high branch, I concentrated on my breathing. Breathe in and breathe out. It was tougher than I thought with Ichi's arms around me and his hands moving up and down my upper thighs.

"You like him, don't you?" His voice was so close, his breath so hot against my skin, his body pressing against me like a very tight blanket.

I closed my eyes. "No," I lied.

"You don't have any... personal interest in him?"

"No, I don't," I whispered, digging my fingernails into my aching palms, focusing on the pain. Trying not to get distracted.

"I don't think I believe you," Ichi breathed into my ear, his lips brushing against my skin.

"But it's true," I said with the steadiest voice I could muster. "I don't care about that boy." It hurt to say, but it had to be said. Though I knew deep down that I couldn't convince Ichi. He had always seen straight through me. Even back then when there really had not been anything to lie about, when I didn't have any reason to lie. But now... I couldn't win. I wouldn't pass this test. Not like this.

I jerked my eyes open when he suddenly slipped his fingers between my legs and grabbed me so tightly he actually pulled me closer against his body. I inhaled sharply, breathing against the sensation. Immediately my gaze fell through the window and towards Kichirou, who was doing sit-ups on the fake forest floor. I tried to look away, tried so hard not to associate what I felt with what I saw. Tried not to imagine him standing behind me, him grabbing me, him breathing into my ear.

"Liar," I heard Ichi's voice, quiet and dark, as his other hand found my throat, his fingers closing around my neck as tight as around the reason he called me a liar. "Do not lie to me!" he said, stressing every word with a pump of his hand, his voice growing louder along with it.

I swallowed against his grip on my throat, quickly realizing that it seemed impossible, even breathing was no longer an option. And for only a tiny moment I wanted it all to be over, wanted to embrace the end. It was coming, one way or another, I knew it, so why not give in already? No more punishments, no more tests, no more lies.

No more Kichirou.

As the thought struck me that I would be leaving him inside the lion's den all by himself, I knew that I couldn't just give up. I have to endure. For his sake. I didn't matter, I never did, I had always been just a pawn on a board of many playing pieces. I did not matter. But he did. He didn't deserve any of this.

I gasped as the last bit of air escaped my lungs, my body already aching under the pressure, but I wouldn't give in. Clenching my fists, feeling the pain rush through my nerves, my blood throbbing inside my palms, I kept fighting, ever fighting, squeezing my eyes shut, enduring, ignoring the stars dancing behind my eyelids. Fight. Endure. Fight. Endure. Fight. En-

Suddenly I was falling. For a second I thought it was all over, that the nothingness was welcoming me inside its midst, embracing me for all eternity, but when I landed hard with my chest first on the table, I knew it wasn't over. Ichi had let me go, pushing me onto the table, his hands warm on my back, holding me in place. I inhaled deeply, coughing against the restored flow of air rushing into my lungs. It took me a moment to calm my drumming heart – breathe in and breathe out – but the one thing I couldn't control was the shaking of my knees.

As I tried to place my hands on the table, pushing only lightly against Ichi's grip, he was already leaning in and grabbed my wrists, quickly binding them behind my back with some sort of wire. I couldn't help but feel my heart accelerate again.

"I hate to say this," I heard his grim voice, "but I am really disappointed in you, Ni."

I swallowed, my jaw pressed flat against the cold surface of the table as I tried to turn my head a little, trying to catch a glimpse of where Ichi was. After tying my hands, he had stepped away from the table, away from me, disappearing somewhere into the room. Hiding in the shadows – or just out of my sight – ready to attack at any given moment. The most dangerous move. I felt my skin tingling just thinking about it.

"You were always my favorite, you know," he said, his voice echoing from all directions as it seemed, "always the best, always the most fun to train with, always ahead of the others, the only one able to keep up with me. You had so much potential and you really lived up to it. I was so proud..."

Suddenly I felt his hands on my lower back. I stiffened against the touch, but more so against the words he was about to say.

"...to call you mine."

As his fingers pressed against my skin, his fingertips drawing circles as they slowly moved lower, I heard his voice inside my head, so familiar, so close, so warm. Back then, his words had comforted me, helped me through the toughest days. "I'm so proud to call you mine, Ni," he had said, his blue eyes upon me, his smile breaking through the darkness that had sometimes gotten a hold of me. From the day he had become my mentor, all those years back, to the day he had left, two years ago, it had filled me with gratitude, knowing that he, the son of the Old Man, the number one, had chosen me, me of all people, to be his.

Back then I had not wanted anything else. I was happy, truly happy. I owed the Old Man my life, but what I owed to Ichi was far more important: my sanity. He had become the reason why I was following the words the Old Man implanted in me. Why the Herd became everything to me. Then, one day two years ago, as he was about to leave for a long-term mission I knew nothing about, I had realized just how much I had depended on him. How much I had wanted to please him. How bad I had needed him.

Seeing him today in the Old Man's office, I had remembered everything. Everything that went wrong that day.

"Do you remember, Ni?" I heard his voice so close to my ear that for a moment I thought I was still remembering the old Ichi. The one from before I had almost failed him. But then I felt his hands on me, his fingers warm against me. I blinked, suddenly seeing him out of the corner of my eye. He was leaning over me, his face a mask, waiting for me to reply.

I cleared my throat. "Yes," I coughed.

"Hmm?" he asked and leaned back again.

"I remember," I whimpered, squeezing my eyes shut as I felt his finger pressing past the tight ring of muscles, ever so slowly moving deeper, vanishing inside me.

And then I was back, two years ago. It felt as if it was just yesterday. I could see Ichi stand in front of my door, telling me that he was about to leave and didn't know when he would return. And I heard myself begging him to stay. Asking him what I was to do without him. Seeing his face, so full of surprise. He had looked at me, not saying anything, soon hiding any emotion behind a stern mask. A long time had passed, of me wishing to disappear right there, wishing to turn back time, not allowing myself to feel that way.

But instead of laughing or scolding me, Ichi had pushed me past the open door into my room, had slammed the door shut, grabbed the front of my shirt and had pulled me so close to him that I had felt his hot breath on my lips. There was anger inside his blue eyes. I had held my breath, watching him in sheer anticipation.

"The Ni I trained does not beg," he had growled. "The Ni I trained does not ask what to do. The Ni I trained does not show weakness. You are better than that. I know you are."

I had swallowed, unable to say or do anything with him being so close. As if sensing just that he had pushed me away, made me stumble backwards. Before falling, I had managed to turn around and cushion my fall with my hands. When I had realized that I was bending over my bed, it was already too late.

"You are mine, Ni," he had said as he had pushed down my pants with a force that had surprised me more than anything. "And I expect you to know better."

Then he had gripped my waist, pulled me up a little and – without any warning or preparation – had pushed his length into me. It had been Ichi, who had invented the concept of the ECCHI-Test (long before it lived up to its name), and I had always passed it up until that point, despite it being different every time. Before that day, it had been a test of torture, pain and blood, humiliation and obedience, and I had learned to endure most of it. Because pain was an illusion. My blood was stronger than any pain I could possibly encounter, Ichi had always told me so. And I knew that. I was stronger than the pain.

The pain and horror I had felt that day, however, as I was pressed into the old mattress of my bed, had been something else. It had gripped me from deep within, catching me completely off guard, tearing through me like fire, spreading through every nerve, biting at every cell, clenching every fiber. There was no open wound, no blood, no visible cause, no weapon, that caused this pain. It had been Ichi's body, pounding against me, thrusting into me, the same body that had taught me to fight and endure.

I still remember the screams I had tried to hide as I had pressed my face into the mattress, overwhelmed by it all, but most of all I remember the anger inside his voice. "Endure, Ni! Stay in control!" he had shouted as I had continued to issue the weirdest sounds, from muffled screams to inhuman grunts to the loudest moans, something I had thought impossible to ever hear from myself.

"Show me what I taught you! Endure!"

And after almost losing myself to him and his rapid movements, I had gritted my teeth, clenched my hands around the bed sheets and I had endured, as quiet as possible, taking it all – until he was finally done with me. I remember sinking to my knees, with his hot juices dripping from me, as I tried to regain my composure. I had felt his gaze upon me as he had straightened his uniform.

"Get up," he had said and I had followed suit, somehow, despite my legs working against me. Then he had grabbed my chin and made me look at him, something I hadn't been able to do ever since he had let go of me. "Listen to me," he had said, "I want you to remember this. This, right here. You made me do this. I had to do this for your own good. For you to understand what's at stake. Do you understand what I'm saying, Ni?"

I had nodded against his grip, staring into his eyes, trying my best to understand his reasons.

"Never stoop so low again, do you hear me? Don't beg, don't let yourself be pushed into a corner. Never show any kind of weakness. Do not get distracted. You are better than that. You can endure. You will endure. You are in control. Understood?"

Another nod, before he had added his last words to me.

"You passed the Test – barely, but you adjusted, which in the end is exactly what I wanted to see from you. After all, I'm proud to call you mine, Ni."

He had smiled at me, patted me on the head and without another word had left the room, only to return two years later, catching me off guard once again. Back then I knew I had almost failed him and I had done everything to redeem myself for his sake, I had gotten stronger and I had forgotten all about feeling close to and dependent on someone – until I had met Kichirou, that was. He had opened a door inside me. And then Ichi had walked right through, just like he had left two years ago.

As if nothing happened.

But so much happened. I had changed, right? I had trained and endured and fought and endured some more. I had done everything to make him proud. So why did he have to return right when I had slipped, when I was this vulnerable? No wonder he was disappointed in me. Whatever he saw in me now, whatever his father had told him about me, he must think the worst of me.

I felt his disappointment with every movement of his finger inside me, rough and angry. Soon he added another, causing me to twitch against the table. I pressed my lips together and clenched my jaw, trying my best not to issue any sounds this time. Forcing my eyes open, I concentrated on my breathing, on mundane things like the texture of the wood below me, the flaking paint on the wall next to it, the low hum that echoed through the room.

But I couldn't completely ignore what Ichi was doing to me. He kept pushing in and out, slow and careful, or fast and rough, and every time my body would react on its own, even though I tried to breathe against the sensations. My legs would quiver, my back would arch slightly, my bound hands would clench. And then he curled his fingers inside me, hitting an especially sensitive knot, and it would cause me to gasp, to actually lift my head off the table.

He used the sudden outburst and slipped his free hand around my throat, pulling me upwards, away from the table and against his body. His face appeared in the corner of my eye. His low growl made my hair stand on end. "I guess I should be flattered how you react to me, after all this time," he said with a dark grimace. "But that's not the point of this Test, Ni!"

I nodded, swallowing against his grip.

"Let's see if you are doing better than last time, hm?" With that he let go of my neck and pushed me back forwards onto the table.

My heart was already racing inside my chest. I used the short moment he released me from his touch to inhale deeply, trying to regain my composure as good as I could while lying face down on a table, completely exposed to and at the mercy of the person behind me. Focus on what you are supposed to do, I urged myself. Endure. Stay in control. Fight the distractions. Do no succumb to the sensations. Breathe against the pain.

The pain came sooner than I had expected. Then again I wasn't sure there was anything to prepare me for the slow burning, the unknown pressure against my tightening muscles, the sudden smack as Ichi pushed himself into me in one fluid motion. His hands closed tightly around my waist, holding me in place. He moved different than last time, less violent, but still far from careful or gentle. I could feel his entire length pulsating deep inside me, waiting, and for a second it didn't feel too bad.

Then he pulled back and pushed in again. My mouth opened and I was sure to issue another gasp, if I hadn't gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my cheek so hard against the tabletop that I hoped the pain epicenter would move. But no such luck. He seemed to notice my attempts to distract myself from what was happening and soon enough, one of his hands was around my throat again. He lifted me up slowly and I felt the pressure shift within me.

When he pulled me against his body, I couldn't help but feel a tiny "Ah!" slip from my lips. He immediately punished me by thrusting upwards into me, causing my legs to twitch dangerously. Having to stand against him, supporting my own weight, made this whole thing so much worse. "Open your eyes," he grunted against my ear and I followed suit hesitantly. My vision was slightly blurry, I blinked several times before my gaze fell right through the window – towards Kichirou.

As I saw him training – completely oblivious to what was going on in the hidden room behind the waterfall – I felt something sharp attacking my heart. Like tiny needles, a whole other pain than the one originating from my lower body half. Was it guilt? Did I feel bad that I let another man do these things to me? (Despite me having no real say in any of said man's actions, though...) Or was it need? Did I want him to stand behind me like Ichi did, hold me, embrace me, breathe against my neck?

As I agreed to the last assumption, I felt something warm rush through my stomach. I immediately regretted the thought about Kichirou – because I wasn't the only one noticing a certain change.

I inhaled sharply as I felt Ichi's fingers around the growing need between my legs. "Now look who's excited..." he whispered and laughed a cold laugh. "Ni, again, that's not what you're supposed to do here!"

I bit my lip and stared up at the ceiling, away from the boy in training, away from it all. But I couldn't escape Ichi's movements. His grip was strong and demanding and when he started to touch and penetrate me simultaneously, I almost lost it. Another "Ah!" escaped me and then another moan and a puff and another gasp. I couldn't stop it. Every thrust made me rock forwards on my feet (if he hadn't snaked one arm around my stomach, I would have certainly fallen onto the table again), and every rub pushed me into the other direction, closer against Ichi's body.

Back and forth I moved, unable to control my breathing, the rapid beating of my heart or the throbbing sensation that was growing deep inside of me, yearning for release. I arched my head back, pressing it against Ichi's shoulder, who – as another punishment – started moving faster and faster the more I melted against him. I gritted my teeth in one last attempt to stay in control, but I was too far gone. I couldn't win this fight.

And frankly, I didn't want to anymore.

I thought about Kichirou and our rather harmless make-out-sessions. What would I do for those sweet touches now, those innocent brushes of fingers and lips against exposed skin. The warmth I felt whenever he would hug me, hold me, embrace me. The little tingling when he would press his warm mouth against mine, when his tongue would force past my lips to taste the inside of my mouth. Then I remembered the last time we were together, how he had pushed me into the mattress, how I had successfully stripped him off his shirt, how I almost slipped my hand down his pants...

It felt ages ago – but it was only this morning.

My body felt ready to explode by now, as Ichi was still thrusting mercilessly into me, while stroking my hurting arousal. I wanted it to end, but of course he would push me past the breaking point. I didn't even know anymore what point he was proofing by doing this. That I couldn't control myself when put under this much sexual pressure? Honestly, who would be able to do that? It seemed impossible. Because the more he punished me (to use his wording), the better it felt and the more I wanted of it. That was clearly not what he had in mind, right?

Or maybe he had?

My relationship with Ichi had always been a rather odd one. He was my mentor, my teacher, also the son of the Old Man and therefore an authority figure par excellence, but he was also something like a brother and a friend. We had known each other for so long, shared meals and gossip. The roles between us were clear to anyone, he was the dominant one and I was just his submissive – and that long before he discovered our body parts would fit into each other. Up until two years ago I would have done anything for him, yet I knew, in times of need past my control, he would have been there for me too.

When he had left back then, I had started to realize this twisted relationship and how it had held me down to a certain extend. So with him gone, I learned to focus on me more, trained more for me. I discovered that I could function without him. Had he noticed it too, when we had met again in the Old Man's office? Was that the reason why he had extended the Test, testing my loyalty not to the Herd, but to him? Was he jealous of the black-haired boy down in the Playground?

My heavy breathing was getting louder and louder, Ichi's movements against me rougher and faster. His breath echoed in my ears, low like the growl of an angry animal. When I closed my eyes, I felt the first wave of release. It came so sudden, so unexpected, from deep within, like a lightning bolt in the night sky. Specks of white danced behind my lids as I jerked my body forwards into Ichi's hand, a long "Ah!" escaping my dry lips, before something warm and wet dripped down my thighs. I was panting against the tremors shaking my body, realizing it wasn't over yet.

Suddenly I was pushed onto the table, Ichi's fingers digging into my waist as he kept me in place, while slowing his movements against me. I breathed through my open mouth, feeling saliva pool beneath me on the tabletop. I didn't care anymore. My legs were shaking so bad, I was unconsciously putting all my weight on the table, knowing that Ichi was so close behind me that I couldn't fall off or down anyway. When I realized that he had stopped moving, I dared to open an eye, tiredly looking around to see him out of the corner of my eye. He was leaning on my waist, head lowered, apparently trying to control his own breathing.

Seeing him that agitated surprised me a little. After all, it had always been him, who preached the loudest about composure and control. Yet I knew better than to underestimate him. Because the second I thought he might not be as rough as I had expected, he raised his head, gripped my waist even harder and dove into me again with such a force that he actually pushed me up the table a little. The pain blinded me for a moment, the moan falling from my mouth without any hindrance. Squeezing my eyes shut, I quickly felt another wave of pleasure rush through me as he continued the rhythm of pulling out slowly before pushing back in with force.

I felt my entire body shaking as he picked up the pace, hitting all the soft spots, causing me to moan even louder against the tabletop. When I saw white again, I just couldn't anymore. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't keep my balance on my feet, couldn't control my breathing or the tremors that jerked my body against the table. I was done. I might have felt it, but I didn't even notice Ichi's grunting or his last thrusts or his body weighing down on mine as he leaned forwards and rested right on top of me, breathing heavily into my ear.

When I eventually came back to, he was just leaning back, then grabbed my bound hands and pulled me off the table. Without any control over my limbs, I simply fell down, landing hard on my side, covered in sweat and other sticky substances. Breathing through my mouth, I stared groggily up at him, watching him button his pants. I still had no idea what his deal was. Even more confusion washed over me as I saw him sit down on the chair, taking my clothes into his hands beforehand. His fingers slid over the material and he looked deep in thought for a moment.

I tried to sit up after a few minutes of trying to find my bearings, but my body wasn't working properly yet. I could still feel the convulsions vibrate through my nerves, the aftermath of it all throbbing deep within me. Somehow I ended up on my knees, one of the less painful positions. With my hands still bound behind my back I couldn't do anything else – even though I would have just stayed lying on the floor for all eternity if it wasn't for the man on the chair staring at me.

"Ni," he said with a low voice that echoed off the walls of the small room. His blue eyes fixated me for another moment, before he sighed deeply. I watched him silently. "I'm going to offer you a deal..."

I blinked.

"I could either tell my Old Man that you failed the Test – or I can lie to him, but if I do that, you have to do something for me."

I didn't have any other choice. "What is it?" I whispered hoarsely, my voice still strained.

"Get away from that boy," he said and stared at me with an intensity that seemed to burn right into my soul.

"What?" I mouthed, feeling my stomach drop.

"You heard me," he said and got up from the chair, only to crouch in front of me. "I want you to never see that boy again."

"How –"

"I'll find another teacher for him, don't worry. And we'll find you another room. It's not that hard," Ichi went on, as he reached forward and pushed a strand of my hair out of my sweaty forehead. When he looked me in the eye again, I felt a shiver running down my spine. "You are mine, Ni," he whispered. "I won't allow anyone else to have you."

I swallowed hard and lowered my gaze as heat rushed through my body. No. No, he can't do that! I felt myself breathing harder at the thought of never seeing Kichirou again. But what were my options? Failing the Test, losing the Old Man's trust entirely, getting banned or killed because I became such a big threat to the Herd? Or pretending to have passed but willingly giving up the mission of working with Kichirou? It wasn't fair. That whole stupid ECCHI-Test wasn't fair! I had endured all the pain and kept my cool, like all the years before. I could handle the torture, but mix in pleasure and I was done. I'm still just a hormone-driven teenager after all, okay?

Then again, I was destined to fail the moment Ichi had proclaimed to test me. Maybe he even intended to not let me pass right from the beginning. I never had a chance. I was his, after all. I felt my eyes watering as I looked back up.

"Give me... three days," I muttered, my insides crushing as I mentally stepped onto the only road possible. "I have to..." Explain it to him? Say goodbye? I let the sentence hang in the air and waited for Ichi's reply.

To my utter surprise, he nodded and got up, throwing my clothes on the floor in front of me. "Fine, three days. Do your thing."

With that he left the room. Just like that. Leaving me behind, a trembling mess on the ground, hurting inside and out, not sure how to survive the following days – or those after that.

I don't know how long it took me to finally get up, use one of the kunai in the wall to cut the wire that held my hands together and get dressed. It was mere muscle memory, no thinking involved. It was as I looked through the window that I realized that Kichirou had finished his training. The Playground was dark and empty.

And suddenly I felt the cold stab of loneliness. Despair crept up on me like a dense shadow, grabbing onto me, sinking its fangs into my flesh, tingling and cooling my sweaty skin as it sucked out everything positive.

This was indeed the loneliest day of my life. And once all the adrenaline inside my body was used up, it was probably the most painful as well. I was sure more of those were to come very soon. Loneliness and pain seemed to be the only things I truly deserved.

A/N:

Oof. This was quite the chapter... I feel really bad for continuously putting my characters into these situations. I guess I just need the stark contrast. Cute and innocent fluff meets dark and twisted fantasies.

If you have come this far, I do hope you have come to terms with the way I write. Maybe drop a little review when you have recovered from reading this? Thank you either way, for being right here, reading this. I appreciate everyone giving this story a chance.

Remember: no rain, no rainbow!