Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
Sooo... hi? I'm still writing? Promise... hehe...
To be fair though, I've been a thousand times worse with all my other stories. Although, that's also because I care more about the quality when I put those out than this one. But! Never have I completely abandoned a story yet, and I don't currently intend to.
Right so strap in for the long ass A/N:
Firstly just a general update for obligatory excuse regarding shitty unreliable update schedule - 2019 Lazy muse really lived up to my username. It was lazy, sloth-like, almost non existent over half the time. Additionally, I moved country twice, the company I worked for was at an incredibly turbulent point and I had to leave because I was essentially being asked to work for next to no pay while increasing my duties. Then I co-sold a house... which was also very stressful and time consuming and a vertical learning curve. Then I discovered that I'd been given the wrong info for the course I was on, and instead of working to fit 1 year worth of work into 6 months, I now have to fit 2 years worth of work in 6 months. Fun.
Anyways I'm sure that's not very interesting so onto the update for what's going on with this story!
So from the feedback I got from the last chapter(s?) I put up, some of you guys really want to know what happens with this arc and some of you just want it over. Fair, I never expected it to last so long because I started it when updates were still far more regular and it's stuck at a point where there are a fair amount of OCs hanging around . I didn't want to bore those who wanted this arc to finish by dragging it out with a chapter every few months, but I didn't want to disappoint those who are invested by giving a lacklustre and hurried conclusion.
Also this arc, although not obvious initially, is very important for future developments. Like, almost all of it, so I couldn't just cut it short or the whole arc I'd written so far would be a waste of time and would become completely pointless.
I tried to figure out a solution that was basically a compromise. I landed on writing out the entirety of the rest of this arc - just getting it all out without regard to how long or many the chapters ended up being or how off track I got as I was writing until I finished the arc - and then posting each chapter 24 to 48 hours apart.
That... hasn't worked so well. I figured the easiest way to go about it was to write out all the chapters from Sonaru's perspective and then all the chapters from Kakashi and co.'s perspective, slotting the relevant different pov chapters in the right places afterwards when I was posting them.
The first three chapters for Sonaru went fine, I wrote them semi-quickly and then the fourth one just... argh. It just didn't. At one point I was writing three lines a day just to tell myself that I was making progress. It was supposed to be around 7 thousand words max. It ended up being about 24 thousand words. I've had to split it into three. I wrote the last 9 thousand of those words in a week and quite enjoyed doing so, but the first two thirds took about four months to write (maybe more?). It was hell.
After I finished it, I thought about the last chapter I still had to write from Sonaru's POV, and then the three or more chapters on Kakashi and co. before I could even post anything to receive feedback and I just couldn't. It was starting to feel like a piece of homework I really didn't want to do.
So then I just went 'fuck it' and decided I'd post what I've written so far.
Here's what I'm going to do, and apologies in advance for how confusing this will be for some of you. I'm going to post all the chapters I've written, then I'm going to write out Kakashi and co.'s chapters and post them in bulk if I can, but if I can't bear it I'm going to have to do it one at a time - however when I post Kakashi chapters I will be putting them where they were supposed to go so that new readers or people rereading the story get the experience they're meant to.
As soon as I've posted a new chapter that canonically (fanonically?... chronologically...?) comes after the final Sonaru chapter I'm going to post from this current batch, it will include all the information on which chapters to click on to read where Kakashi's stuff has been slotted in so you're not completely confused.
I'm writing this note while very tired and I should be asleep, so I don't know how coherent it is. Any questions or clarifications you want me to reply to regarding this, please PM me.
No editing or beta as usual
Also fair warning; the rest of this arc is pretty dark a lot of the time. Read at your own risk.
Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.
Chapter 51 - I've Got To Break Free
I felt like shit.
Groggy and achy and my brain wasn't working right. It was getting worse day by day, too.
I wasn't an idiot, I knew it was the pills those bitches were forcing me to take every other day.
I could have used slight of hand to pretend to swallow them, but they'd made it clear to Shion that they would easily be able to tell if I skipped even a single dose.
I didn't know what they were doing to me and the constant helplessness had me feeling like I was going steadily insane.
It was made worse when the side effects kicked in.
There were nights when I lay in bed as my body poured sweat and heat, panting in distress. Shion would cradle me as she cycled her chakra slower and slower, beads of sweat gathering on her forehead from the effort as her temperature dropped bit by bit, until she was cool to the touch to combat my overheated form. She would murmur stories in my ear – fictional and historical and autobiographical – in a futile attempt to lull me to sleep, ignoring the tremors of her limbs as they reacted to her prolonged too-cool internal temperature.
I learned more about her dead daughter as she cautiously shared anecdotes of things that she remembered fondly. I learned about her absent father who died before she was born and whom she spent her entire life trying to live up to the memory of in her mother's eyes. I listened as she carefully avoided mentioning her mother in more than the most basic details and read in between her split-second pauses - of her mother's hardworking and dedicated but ultimately damaging relationship with Shion.
She told me about meeting her husband in shinobi training, but only growing close to him when they worked together in the rebellion against Salamander's oppressive forces. Her as a team fighter with her now deceased brother-in-arms, and her husband as a message runner and weapons smuggler.
She touched, with pain in her voice, on the continued corruption and poverty that followed for years even after Salamander was overthrown – how lower level shinobi, who had survived with no true loyalty to either side and no offers of work under the new regime, evolved into organised gangs. She mentioned only briefly that her husband got himself into financial troubles badly with some incredibly dangerous people in the last years of their marriage, but the contempt and sorrow that chilled her voice left me with a clear idea of how well that situation ended.
Despite her attempts at soothing and distraction, she couldn't hide her own distress at my evident suffering now matter how hard she tried to cover it with calming smiles and affectionate words.
When one morning, as she was dressing me, between one blink and the next I suddenly found myself flat on my back with my heart thumping at such a harsh pace that I genuinely wondered if I was dying, Kuchisake's quiet tolerance for the effects that the medication was having on me ended. She shook me gently, but urgently, futilely attempting to elicit a response out of me beyond loose limbed sweating and panting.
When that didn't work, she frantically scooped me up and raced out of the room. The air buffeted my hair as I lay cradled in her arms – bringing me back to the countless times Tou-san had carried me home across the rooftops, dragging stinging tears to the corners of my eyes.
Before long, I looked up to see the dark gaze of Miyako peering down at me impassively, her mouth moving but the words not registering over the pounding of my heart in my ears and a high pitched ringing in my ears. The angry vibration of Kuchisake's response move through me, before I was placed on the patient bed and my vitals were taken by the dark skinned woman.
I wasn't sure how long it took for my heart rate to calm down and the ringing to diminish, but eventually I was back to the normal baseline feeling like shit. When I could finally focus on my surroundings, I took in Miyako sitting in a stool next to the bed patiently waiting while Shion stood over me tensely, worry clear in her expression.
Anger pursed her lips tightly when she darted a glance at Miyako, "This needs to stop. Or she needs to go on something else. Ever since she went on the medication she's been listless and unfocussed. She's hardly sleeping, she barely eats, her temperature is rocketing up at random points… they're clearly no good for her!"
Miyako raised a single eyebrow with so much 'I don't give a shit' attitude I was almost impressed.
"That's all?" her low voice asked slowly.
"What do you mean that's all?" Shion blustered indignantly.
"The side effects you just listed. Is that all that she's experienced?"
"…yes," uncertainty mingled in amongst her anger as she suspiciously observed the older woman.
"We'll need to run a few tests, but her dose probably needs to be stronger," Miyako contemplatively stated. My heart sank into my stomach as it rolled with nausea – a singularly unpleasant feeling.
"Stronger?! What about the side effects?" Shion was nearly shouting at this point, her hand landing on where a weapons pouch would usually be in an instinctive reaction.
"I know it's difficult for you to understand, but the side effects are necessary for the medication to do what it needs to in the long run. There's just no way around it. I don't exactly enjoy making her suffer, but the science is the most important thing here and putting it simply, the results we're already getting are speaking for themselves."
"I don't want to take them," the whispered words slipped from between my lips without me even realising, taking seconds too long for my fuzzy brain to register what I'd said.
Miyako looked down at me with no regret or sympathy, "I know, but you're ill. The medication is to make you feel better when you're older even if it makes you feel bad now."
The lie flowed seamlessly off her tongue, with no artifice evident at all. I admired and despised her for it at the same time.
"This is unacceptable, Miyako-san. You have my word that I'll be speaking to Nagao-taichou about this," Kuchisake threatened. I knew her well enough by now that her tells were obvious to me; she wasn't lying but she definitely wasn't confident.
"Go ahead," Miyako drily replied, shaking her head in slight amusement, "You've clearly overestimated the power going on your knees has over Nagao-taichou. He's not going to change his mind," she paused briefly and then added, "I'm not sure why you'd risk it, Shion; she might be a little more special to Nagao-taichou but at the end of the day she's just like every other child you take under your wing. You get overly attached if they're young enough, they last a few weeks or months with you, Nagao-taichou gets jealous and makes you put them with the others and then you move onto the next one when he tires of you moping."
Shion's face contorted for a moment into something desperate, "That's a lie! It's not like that. Sona's different. Nagao-taichou gave me his word this time that I could keep her with me for as long as I wanted."
She gripped me with cool hands and held me close, glaring at Miyako, "I'll be speaking to Nagao-taichou when he returns, so you watch your mouth Miyako-san."
Miyako lips twitched in a suppressed smirk, a huff leaving her lips as she shook her head at Shion. Without another word, Shion turned and stormed out of the room.
Regardless of Kuchisake's intentions, Nagao was away and wouldn't return until the end of the week. The dosage was upped the very next day, and within 24 hours the side effects had worsened.
Headaches and sleepy restlessness and stomach aches and nose bleeds and tremors in my limbs I could handle. It was the fact that I couldn't control my bladder.
I had worked so fucking hard for almost an entire year to be able to gain independence when it came to going to the toilet. The first time I pissed myself it was at dinner in front of everyone. There were only a few faces of disgust - most more than used to far more revolting situations - but the humiliation and loss of such a simple but precious bit of control had me curled up in the corner of the bathroom later that day sobbing painfully into my arms.
The next morning it happened again. Shion had gone to speak to the recently returned Nagao and left me reading by myself. I was pulled out of my thoughts when a warm sensation registered under me making me frown and shift. I realised what had happened with dread at the same moment I registered the liquid soaking into my clothes and the tang of urine hit my nose.
I froze for a second, my already straining brain struggling to work past my complete horror at pissing myself again and suddenly understanding that this could well be a reoccurring thing, before a rush of blood filled my cheeks and my eyes filled with tears.
I slapped my hands uselessly over my mouth as I cried, deeply despairing, and just wished someone would help me.
I didn't know how long I sat in a pool of my own piss crying my heart out, but it wasn't long enough for the liquid to cool before the door opened. Shion stumbled inside, and for a moment we both stared at each other.
She observed the state I was in at the same time as I took in her swollen and bloody nose, the ruffled hair and clothes, the split eyebrow and the deep red marks on her arms which I had no doubt would blacken quickly. Her eyes lowered to her feet and her expression crumpled and she sighed with such weariness that I almost flinched.
'Come on, Sweet thing," she shuffled toward me stiffly, defeat in her tone. She lifted me into her arms, a heavy silence between us as I sniffled back my tears and she restrained her pained winces.
"You're going to have to wash yourself like a big girl while I clean up the mess," her words tumbled and slurred together as she spoke, filling the bucket with warm water and stripping me of my sodden clothes. I was placed into the bucket with a bar of soap and a wash cloth in my hands, before she left, using the wall as a support every few steps.
I tried not to think about anything while I washed myself, unwilling to torment myself with fervent wishes to see Tou-san again. I didn't want to cry again.
When Shion came to pull me out of the water and wrap me in a towel, she carried me out to a sight that immediately had my breath catching in denial. Lying on the bed was a clean set of clothes and something I thought I'd left behind for good years ago.
"I don't want to," I shook my head frantically, unable to pull my eyes away from the sight.
"I know, Sweet thing, but you have to. You're going to keep having accidents for a while and you can't ruin your clothes every time you do," she explained, sounding stressed and tired.
I continued shaking my head silently, overwhelmed by the prospect of even this being taken away from me. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I barely managed when I'd been a physical baby, there was no way I could just lie there while she put one those fucking things back on me.
The moment she put me on the floor, towel wrapped around me, I shuffled small steps back from the bed. She picked up the cloth torture, turned around and approached me and I lost all sense of control.
"No!" The word left me as a high pitched shriek. I dropped the towel to run; there was no where to run, but I'd climb up the fucking walls before I let her put that thing on me.
Unfortunately, even battered, she was a Jonin with the reflexes and speed that came with the rank. She grabbed my arm to stop me from running past her, sharply calling my name. I turned in panic, clawing and hitting at her already damaged arms, shrieking 'No' over and over again as tears built in my eyes.
She pulled me closer to restrain me, her calls getting louder, but all I could see was the horrifying thing in her other hand getting closer. A noise left my throat then, that couldn't even rightly be called a scream the noise was so raw and animalistic, before it closed up and I couldn't fucking breathe.
I wheezed as I continued clawing at her hands and arms, targeting the developing bruises. My chest stuttered and rasped, unable to pull in air and I began to panic for a whole new reason. She had to let me go. I couldn't breathe while she had hold of me. She had to get off me. I couldn't breathe. Fuck, I couldn't breathe. No. No!
My head snapped to the side and my thoughts went blank and white for a split second, before the impact of Shion's palm to the side of my face registered followed by the sharp sting. I blinked in shock, finally taking a proper breath in. It took a few long seconds to gather myself, my thoughts still lagging slightly when I finally raised my head to look at her.
Her breathing was as harsh as mine, her eyes wide as she stared at me, "Sona… What…"
When it became obvious she didn't know what to say, I weakly muttered, "I just can't."
Her hand released my arm and she sat back on the ground with a low sigh. I eyed her warily, easily able to see the battle with emotions on her face. The cloth torture dropped from limp fingers and she cupped her forehead with both hands, elbows on knees.
There was a prolonged silence as she seemed to sink into herself bit by bit, before a slight noise reached me from behind her hands. It sounded like… I saw the slight shaking of her shoulders and then a clearer noise and I realised she was crying.
I froze awkwardly, and just dumbly stared at her as her cries became more obvious. I'd never seen her cry before and it astonished me how human she looked. Human and vulnerable and broken down.
She hitched one breath in deeper than the rest and began wiping her face, "I can't deal with this today, Sona. I'm sorry Sweet thing, but I don't have anything more in me today. It's not… it's not fair on you and I know you're not having a good time either but I just need you to- let me put this on you. Please, Sweet thing. For me."
I swallowed thickly, and a big part of me genuinely wanted to do as she asked but I just couldn't. I couldn't tell her why I so viscerally reacted to the idea of it. I couldn't tell her why, even if I wanted to, taking the step in allowing her to put that first cloth torture on me wasn't going to happen. I couldn't explain to her the mental block that existed which prevented me from doing so.
There was no greater punishment that I had experienced so far in both worlds as being humiliated, belittled, demeaned or reduced in front of others. My Dad had done many things I hadn't agreed with at the time and still didn't, but to date the most unforgiveable thing in my eyes was in allowing his first and longest girlfriend, after my mother, to dictate many of my punishments all while saying nothing.
It was something like infantilism I now knew, but at the time I had just been horrified beyond words at this thing that was being done to me in front of my siblings, in front of my Dad, in front of her son and with the threat of my school mates witnessing my humiliation hanging over my head. It had been over 15 years since the last time it had happened and yet the memories still felt like a wound in my mind. I didn't like to think about it, and I had never spoken about it.
So I looked back at her sorrowfully and shook my head once more despite knowing that I had no real power in this situation. I knew that eventually she was going to get that thing on me. The knowledge had tears building again, but before they could fall Shion reached toward me and pulled me close.
"I'm sorry, Sweet thing. I wish I could take you away from all this, but I can't. I wish I could make things better." Her arms wrapped around me, holding me tight in her lap and for what felt like hours she cried into my hair rocking us back and forth. The devastation that radiated from her had me wanting to comfort her- to which a quiet bitter voice in my head wondered when this situation had become about me making her feel better, but I was too worn out for the thought or feeling to stick for more than a moment and eventually I sank into her embrace and fell asleep.
When I woke up the deed was already done. She held me through the panic attack both when I saw it and the first few times it was put to use.
She had me wearing pull-ups after that, and I could no longer tell if the nausea sitting low in my stomach was due to the pills or the deep shame and misery at the padded feeling of it every time I moved or sat down.
Shion stopped taking me to dinner with the others, choosing to stay in our room to eat. I had no arguments about it, not wanting to see anyone in my shame. Besides, she didn't really like it when I spoke to the other women and had begun to get increasingly unhappy when another adult talked to me outside of necessity.
I knew it was an isolation tactic but I was losing the will to care.
My only moments of peace and happiness were when I got lost in the rhythm of my pounding heart and the ache of muscles while I pushed past the fog and lethargy of my body and mind in order to keep up flexibility, strength, speed and throwing accuracy. The adrenaline rush making me feel alive for a short while, and the secret of my true skills making me feel closer to Tou-san.
I finally met some of the other children in the training room, and the sight of them -the proof of their existence in front of my eyes - jarred me horribly. They were dressed in all grey, their faces all looking slightly underfed and their skin pasty from lack of sun. There was something incredibly unsettling about all of them. A stillness, and lack of exuberance perhaps; they were too quiet. My colourful clothes stood me apart from them and they declined speaking to me out of wariness – not that I minded; I didn't really want to get to know them any better because I didn't want to get attached.
My heart hurt at the sight of them and I railed against my inability to help them. I couldn't even help myself. One boy, about five years old, dark green eyes, dirty blonde hair, and an old burn scar that covered the right side of his forehead stood out to me from the rest. He stuck to light exercise only and seemed to get away with it, he lacked the strength of the other children and it was clear after while of watching him that he kept himself separate from the others. I wondered why until I saw the track marks on his arms one day and realised that he was probably in the same boat as me – not a weapon, but an experiment.
They were all so young and already so damaged. The more I saw little hints of trauma and abuse in their actions and words as I observed, the more I began to despise every single adult in the facility. It was different when the only cruelty I saw was toward myself and Shion. She was an adult and despite the child body, so was I. Seeing it in kids all under the age of 12, more than anything, had me screaming inside to escape.
Kuchisake was more clingy than ever when I was with her, which had quickly become more stifling than comforting regardless of how inured I had become to her overly physical affectionate behavior. Maybe it was the pills affecting my thinking or maybe it was just me, but my stress levels were through the roof when she held me close and wouldn't let go for far too long.
The pills, the uncertainty, the side effects, the pull ups, the children, Nagao and Shion, the pungent scents of sex that wafted off the woman, or of bleach from the black box that I knew was telling of a child locked in the dark... it was all too much.
One morning, with a headache throbbing at the base of my head and a tension in my skull that promised a migraine later that day, I dully listened to Kuchisake get ready while she chattered about the men in the facility she was fucking, getting more and more inappropriate as time went on – my stress levels were already high while my tolerance was low. Shion dropped me off by myself at the training room, and as she kissed me I felt the tip of her tongue flicker across my lips. Something in me snapped.
I didn't move after she left for a long while. I wasn't angry exactly. I wasn't scared or panicked either. I was just fucking done. Apart from the pull-ups issue, I had done a fucking excellent job at assimilating without fuss and ensuring everyone underestimated me. I had exceeded my own expectations. Shion had always pushed boundaries with me and I had come to reluctantly accept that that was just her nature. I had no recourse but to accept her actions toward me and considering I was physically closed off to those I did not trust, I thought I'd handled myself pretty fucking well.
The tongue across my lips was too far. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. Not again.
The doors were, as always, locked. So I steadily wiped my sleeve across my mouth with a blank face, and walked toward the training equipment. I hadn't been taught how to dismantle training equipment in order to weaponise it, but I could whip up a lever to try and break the doors open.
My mind was in some sort of false calm as I spent hours pulling apart the various equipment and trying to force the door off its hinges. I carefully channeled more and more chakra into limbs in order to make up for my smaller physique. I used my tazer jutsu at full strength to try and short out whatever was keeping the door locked. I threw heavy objects at the door in the hope of busting it open. I walked across the walls and ceiling looking for a weak point or a hidden access.
Nothing.
The migraine that had been building eventually became too much and I flopped to the floor panting and sweating and feeling sick.
Just in time for the scraped and scratched door to open and Kuchisake to arrive earlier than she usually did. I stared at her with mounting trepidation as she silently took in the state of the room and the half dismantled equipment. Without a word she partially closed the door and checked the side I had covered in scratches in my escape attempts.
We locked eyes as she approached me slowly, her expression coldly knowing. I got to my feet quickly, fear churning away the closer she got. I reminded myself that no matter what she did, I could take it – that there was nothing she would be willing to dish out to a child that I wouldn't be willing to handle. I saw her hand move, but I made no attempt to avoid her when she raised it.
The slap was harsh in the otherwise quiet room, and harder than I'd expected. My body rocked with the blow and my face jerked to the side. A few seconds later the heat registered in my cheek, and my eye watered slightly as my migraine seemed to get worse for a few seconds, but I didn't cry.
I glanced cautiously at her face, but it revealed nothing beyond cold fury. She still didn't speak when she grabbed my arm in a tight grip and yanked me toward the door. I stumbled to keep up with her as she walked, slamming the door behind us and maintaining brisk pace back to our room.
Something deeply bitter and angry festered alongside the fear that she was going to punish me for trying to escape somewhere I had every right to want to leave, but I squashed it down and responded to her silence with my own.
We were almost back to our room when she was waylaid by a shinobi with his hand gripping another child by the back of the neck. I recognized it as the kid from the training room with track marks on his arms. His natural resting bitch face was soured even further by fear, and tears dripped down his cheeks as he sniffled quietly.
"Shion," the shinobi greeted, "This one was caught back talking to medical while Nagao-taichou was present."
"Oh. I see, thank you," She responded, a tense note in her voice. His gaze flickered to me, and then to the grip she had on my wrist.
"It looks like you might already have your hands full. You know Nagao-taichou is always willing to take care of it you're busy." The boy's face crumpled, and he released a quiet sob, beginning to tremble.
"No," she hurriedly assured, "I can deal with both at once. It's fine."
He shrugged, "I suppose it's probably better for them that you do the discipline. Alright kid, I guess it's your lucky day."
Shion held her other hand out, and the man released the kid's neck. He stepped quickly to Shion's side and slipped his hand into hers. Kuchisake and the man nodded briefly to each other, and then parted ways. Kuchisake released a frustrated breath and then resumed her brisk pace from before, dragging us both along with her.
It didn't take long before we were back home, and she immediately closed the door with a slam. She turned to us, and glared, "I was only checking on you to let you know I'd be a few more hours, Sona. I really don't have time for this. You couldn't have chosen a worse time to act like a spoilt brat and from now on if I see even a tiny bit of damage to the training room after you've finished using it you will sorely regret it. Do you understand me?"
I nodded, lowering my eyes to hide the rage in them. My hands were fisted into my clothes to hide the angry tension in them and I barely paid attention as she verbally castigated the kid next to me.
It wasn't long later that she muttered again, "I really don't have time for this." She seemed to make up her mind about something, then walked past us toward the big metal chest and fetched a key from her pocket to unlock the two padlocks on the front.
She turned to us, the boy already shuffling resignedly toward the chest, "Both of you get in. I don't want to hear a peep from you in the next few hours. No sniffling, no fidgeting, no whispering. If hear a single sound from that box you both get to stay in there all night."
For a moment I just stared in disbelief at the box. Was I actually going to do this? Was I going to move under my own will to get in that box so she could lock me in unjustly? What other choice did I have? There was no way I could move fast enough to take her off guard and kill or incapacitate her at this distance. Even if I did, I'd just spent hours proving that there was no way I could open the doors in the facility.
Fuck it, it was just a box and I was small enough that I could fit inside it with the other kid. I slowly made my way toward it, and allowed her to pick me and up and place me inside with the boy. We both fit comfortably, but I knew that before long the inability to shift much would feel stifling.
The metal chest was cold and unforgiving against my body, but I grit my teeth and simply closed my eyes so that I couldn't see that lid shutting out the rest of the light.
A sharp rap on the lid vibrated loudly in my ears making me jump.
"Remember, not one sound from either of you. You both sit there and think about what you've done."
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The boy next to me sniffled quietly, breaths hitching now and then, tucked up in a ball. His temperature was warm compared to the box and I carefully shifted closer to him until we were plastered against each other. His sniffling paused for a second, but beyond that he didn't react.
I closed my eyes, measured my breathing and relaxed my muscles. I was furious. I was so fucking angry that I could feel my eyes watering and my Ketsuryūgan activate. I would have been indignant about my own punishment, but what had my bloodlust rising was the boy sitting next to me. I acknowledged in some part of my mind that it sounded as though shoving kids in a metal chest and locking them in was Shion's alternative to letting Nagao-taichou at them, but that didn't make me okay with this.
As bloody trails ran down my cheeks, I absently wiped them up with my fingers and popped them in my mouth to run the delicious sweet-salty-metallic taste over my tongue as the scent pleasantly tickled my nose.
By the time both of our body temperatures had heated up the small space we were crammed into, I heard the door open again as Kuchisake returned. She was giggling lightly, and I immediately knew from the sound of it that she had male company. My breathing paused in shock at first, and then my brows furrowed. She wasn't going to…. while we were in here? Why? She always went back to the other person's room.
I listened more carefully, thankful for my superior hearing. A low voice murmured to her, "Are you sure this is okay?"
Oh fuck no. I recognised that voice. It was Kenta, the grey-skinned, piss-eyed pubescent medical assistant with an infatuation over Shion. No wonder she brought him back – under sixteens didn't get their own room in the facility as far as I was aware.
The box began to overheat with our combined bodies, but there was little we could do about it beyond shift as far apart from each other as possible. That still left us with far too much pressed against each other, as Shion seducing a stumbling fumbling teenager was the bad-porn soundtrack in my ears.
The sound of people screwing each other was not something that bothered me. I didn't care and I had grown up with my womanizing Dad's bedroom being right next to mine. Sex was basically a bedtime lullaby to me at this point. It was everything else in the equation. It was the knowledge that one of those two people was around fifteen years old while the other was a grown woman. It was the fact that I had Shion panting reaching one ear while an overheated little boy panting was in my other ear. It was being too hot, and the air feeling too thin in my lungs and being unable to move into a more comfortable position as my limbs and spine and neck began to ache.
To make matters worse, my bladder decided that now was an excellent time to void itself. I squeezed my eyes shut and mentally apologised to the boy, knowing that before long the smell was going to reach him and then just fill the entire box.
The whole experience seemed to just go on and on and on. Good on the teenage boy for lasting so long? The box got hotter and hotter until we were both panting lightly and dripping with sweat, the acrid scent of piss overwhelming me to the point that I felt more nauseous than usual.
I was light headed and dizzy the point that I barely noticed when the noises went quiet for a while. There were some wet kissing noises and then eventually I heard shuffling and low murmuring to each other and the occasional chuckle or giggle. Finally I heard clothes rustling, more wet kissing, and the short conversation that made everything click in my mind.
"Are you sure you'll be able to see the results first?" Kuchisake asked, sounding slightly worried.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Don't worry about it. I usually check over the chakra results before they get recorded on paper for everyone else, so no one will notice anything,' Kenta assured, all confidence now that he'd had sex.
"How do you know what to change them to so that it looks natural?" She lightly challenged.
"It will be easy, I promise. One of the first kids I assisted around had chakra coils that wouldn't grow due to an untreatable medical condition. I'll edit your kid's results to mimic the other one's."
"I believe you. You're more than capable, Kenta," she added some breath to her voice, "And afterwards, you're more than welcome back here."
Did she really sleep with a teenager so that he'd edit my medical results? Or was the sex just a positive add-on to her? Either way the fact that she slept with someone so young had my nose curling in distaste (even more than the pissy smell saturating the air did).
He left not long afterward and as soon as he did, footsteps approached the metal chest we were in. Clanking revealed that she was unlocking the padlocks and then finally the lid opened. I squinted my eyes at the sudden burst of light and took a deep, relieved whiff of the cool air. It was almost as saturated with the scent of sex as the box was of piss but at that point I hardly cared.
One by one we were lifted out of the chest and found our feet. She pursed her lips critically at us, an oddly satisfied glint in her eyes considering what she had just done in full hearing range of us.
"I hope you've learned better than to talk back to the adults here," she pointedly asked the boy, who timidly nodded his head with his scowling bitch face still in place.
"And I hope you've learned better than to dismantle the training equipment." We both knew that wasn't what I was really being punished for, but I nodded all the same.
She took the kid back to wherever the rest of the children were kept and I took the opportunity to change the pull-up by myself for goddamn once. She didn't look entirely pleased when she came back and saw a fresh one on me, but tough fucking luck.
She ran a bath and barely said a word until we were both submerged, holding me slightly too tight as she stroked fingers through my wet hair.
"What did you think you were going to achieve, hm?" Her voice was gentle and lightly chiding, but there was an edge to her voice that had me wary.
"I wasn't feeling good," I replied, trying to sound childish and miserable, hoping that she would take my response and make assumptions about immature panic at not feeling well and being alone fueling my actions.
"And what if you had managed to get the door open? What then? You could have run into any of the people here and not all of them are friendly like me. Or you could have become lost and found your way out of the facility – that would have put you in a very dangerous position, Sweet thing. I only ever do what is best for you, do you understand?"
I bit the inside of my cheek at the bullshit she was spouting, scrunching my eyes shut.
"Do you understand?" She asked, the manic edge in her voice becoming prominent, her nails digging in slightly to my skin.
"Yes," I finally whispered.
There was a pause before she relaxed her tight hold on me just a little, and resumed stroking though my hair, "Good," she quietly replied, kissing the top of my head.
A little while later she spoke again, "You know I love you more than anyone in this world, don't you? You're as good as my own daughter."
There was loaded silence after that as she waited for my response. I knew there was only one answer that she'd be content with.
"I love you, too." I hated that it sounded like defeat and capitulation coming from my mouth. I hated that it sounded like reluctant honesty.
"Would you call me Kaa-chan?" She asked, though it sounded more like a demand.
I paused for too long and she squeezed me meaningfully, "I have one already," I made myself sound confused.
She tensed slightly, before she laughed falsely, "I don't mean to speak ill of anyone, Sweet thing, but she wasn't a very good one. She isn't a good parent. I kept this quiet to spare your feelings because I didn't want you to blame yourself or think anything was your fault, but she's had the opportunity to visit you here a few times and she's said no each time.
"She… doesn't want to see you. It's nothing you've done or said. There was nothing you could have done to change her mind. She's just… not cut out for the responsibilities of motherhood. As a mother myself I can tell these things about another woman. So you don't really have a mother anymore, Sweet thing.
"Do you know what I think though? I think she doesn't know what she's giving up on; you're such an amazing special smart child and I would love for you to be my daughter."
She looked me in the eyes, appearing compassionate and sympathetic and loving, "So will you? Will you call me Kaa-chan?"
I nodded absently, my mind a million miles away in the past as memories I had long forgotten threw themselves at me with horrifying clarity.
"Thank you, little baby. That means so much to me."
The words hardly registered in my mind. I was vaguely aware of being dried and dressed at one point, and of Shion leaving to see Nagao. But most of me was stuck in the sick memories of my childhood.
I'm your mother more than that woman has ever been.
I make you wear these nappies because she didn't raise you right. I have to start from scratch.
It's okay for me to do this because I'm a woman. Don't let a man do this to you.
Call me Mum, do it Sona. Call me Mum.
You're my precious little baby, my beautiful smart girl.
If you were white everyone would think you were my actual daughter, you know, because I'm your Mum in every way but biologically.
It's just us today, beautiful baby. I have a great idea, let's just go without clothes today. You don't even have to wear a nappy.
Look at me, Sona. Look at this. This is what a woman looks like, little baby. Don't look away.
You can touch me back if you want. Just here. Touch me here, beautiful baby.
Vomit forced its way up my throat and all over the floor, shocking me out of my memories. Fuck… how could I have just forgotten something like that? No, it was less like I'd forgotten and more like the memories had just been sorted amongst all of my other less important childhood memories because for most of them I hadn't been particularly distressed at the time – just a bit weirded out.
It was like suddenly remembering the after-school snack you used to have. Or the bubble bath that you used to use. You'd always kind of known but had never had cause to remember.
It was only now that all those separate incidents congregated together and blasted me with a horrifying realisation of what had actually happened to me. I came to the disgusted revelation that the reason why I'd failed to put the pattern of Shion's behaviours together before was because a part of me hadn't wanted to make the connection between what I was currently seeing and experiencing with Kuchisake and what had happened to me when I was young.
I'd known that Shion reminded me of that woman since almost the first day I'd met her, but I hadn't looked deeper into the comparison as it got stronger in my mind.
With tears in my eyes, I looked toward the door in the vague hope that Shion would be gone until late so that I could have time to collect myself.
Only to see the door not looking quite like normal.
It felt like my heart froze in my chest for a moment and my gut clenched painfully. I took a step forward to examine it as my heart made up for its momentary pause by working double time.
Sweat gathered in my palms and my breath turned shaky as I approached the door. With hope in my throat I leaned closer to it and confirmed my suspicions; the door wasn't fully closed. The handle hadn't been pulled hard enough for the lock to activate.
My fingers shakily reached toward it, planning to dig my fingers into the small edge of the door that was visible only to pause as two thoughts occurred to me.
If my fingers slipped, the weight behind the swing back could shut the door properly and lock me in. This could also be a test after the events of today.
Anger boiled in my chest at my own hesitation. When I had first arrived I never would have hesitated out of fear of upsetting someone and getting into trouble. I was not becoming someone who saw a chance of freedom and didn't take it unless I had a genuinely strategic reason.
I mentally snarled at the part of my mind that begged me to consider just pretending I had never noticed the door, that it was safer if I never took a step outside the room without Shion's permission, that I didn't want to alienate her after I'd made such a drastic mistake already today, that I should just wait until I had a more certain opportunity to escape. Fuck that.
I crawled up the wall, closed my eyes briefly and calmed my thoughts.
[Breathe. Use all senses. What can be heard?]
There was no one outside, unless there was someone intentionally lying in wait for me being as quiet as possible.
I opened the door a fraction, and allowed the air to filter in.
[What can be smelt?]
I took a whiff of the air, carefully filtering the air with a slightly open mouth so that it settled on my tongue as well.
[No one has been past in the last few minutes. No one lingers unless they're blocking their scent intentionally – unlikely due to lack of awareness of superior senses]
I took a few seconds longer, just listening and scenting the air with as much focus as possible. I couldn't detect a single person and this was the best chance I'd had since I'd arrived. Thank god camera surveillance wasn't a thing in this world, as far as I was aware.
I pulled the door open and peered out. Nobody was visible. Now the important question: where did I go from there? I had never seen a hint of an exit and I didn't know which direction one might be.
[Try scent. Fresh air and outside smells are very recognisable]
I tried to get a sense of where the access to outside might be from the air, but no matter how carefully I focused, there was no indication. There were never any windows in the hallways and I had no access to the rooms that might contain windows that opened.
I had to guess. Left it was.
With my ears peeled, I suppressed my chakra as completely as I knew how, carefully exited the room and pulled the door shut. No way back now. If someone walked past, I didn't want them getting curious about why a door was open if they knew I was supposed to be inside.
I walked steadily, keeping my ears as trained on my surroundings as possible. Unless there was someone with near Jonin skills intentionally sneaking around, I'd be able to hear them coming long enough to run the other way.
I took lefts and rights at random points, scenting the air the whole time for an indication of a breeze. I only heard footsteps once, which was enough to raise my heart into my throat, but I had plenty of warning to duck into a different hallway hastily and be out of sight before they got near me.
I felt my stress rise as time passed and I continued wandering aimlessly. My stomach began to ache and dizziness staggered my footsteps increasingly. My concentration shorted out multiple times as dizzy spells almost took me to my knees. Fuck fuck. Not now. Please not now.
I growled in the back of throat and crawled forward when one swept me completely off my feet and kept me from getting back up.
It was too hot, sweat was dripping from the end of my nose as my vision fuzzed in and out. No no no. Anyone could be right around the corner, but I couldn't concentrate.
I opened my eyes, panting. When had I closed them? Why wasn't I moving? How long had I just been kneeling there for anyone to find me?
As a ringing in my mind that I hadn't been aware of receded slightly, I realised some of the crackling in my ears wasn't made up. Straining my hearing, I held my breath and tried to listen past the beat of my heart.
That was… was that? I tilted my head. Yes, it had to be. I could hear rain.
I hadn't heard the weather the entire time I'd been here, which meant access to the outside had to be close.
Following my ears, and then my nose when I was able to identify the change in air quality, I carefully but eagerly made my way forward. This was it; this was my chance.
I turned the corner and saw a double door. It was partially open and there was the very clear sound and scent of pouring rain coming from outside. Kami I missed the wind and rain and sun. I missed the sight of the sky and the trees and feel of the grass under my toes.
The only issue was that due to the rain it was impossible for me to tell if there was anyone waiting outside. If that was an exit, there probably was.
I'd just have to be vigilant.
I opened the door a fraction more, peeking out and listening, but the rain had picked up to deafening levels and it filled my senses. Deciding to risk it, I opened the door just enough to slip out and pulled it to behind me just in case I had to slip back inside.
For a second, I was overwhelmed by the sight and smell and feel of outside. The wind brushed against me like cold perfection, and I felt choked at the sensation of it curling around my nostrils. For that moment I felt more at peace than I had been in far too long.
But then a small sound made its way toward me and I spotted a figure at the bottom of the steps to the right, hidden in shadow. My head snapped toward it, adrenalin crashing through me.
Through the grey of the rain, I spotted just about the last person I wanted to see at that point; Kuchisake sitting there getting soaked. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I inched backward. But there was nowhere to go that would save me from trouble; I'd closed the bedroom door behind me and there was no way back in.
My hesitation cost me, because something must have given me away and her head turned to me. We locked eyes, hers shocked and mine filled with terror.
I saw the knowledge in her eyes. She knew exactly what I was trying to do. She didn't react, though, just sitting there and staring at me. I saw the lack of resolve in her face and suddenly jumped on the last thing I could rely on; people's desire to deny unpleasant realities.
"Kaa-chan," I forced out, making my feet take unsteady steps toward her.
As I got closer, I saw the signs of another violent ending with Nagao on her skin, and swollen eyes from crying. From the shuddering of her torso and her breathing, I was fairly certain she was still crying.
Her eyes flickered at the sight of me reaching out to her, she hesitated, and then she reached back.
"Did I leave the door open?" She faintly questioned amidst hitched sobs. A callous part of me was thankful that the beatings always left her more needy for me, more uncertain and vulnerable.
I nodded and sadly added, "I threw up."
"Poor baby," her hand curled around me and pulled me into her lap, the cold rain soaking both of us.
She held me to her for a long while as the wind and rain chilled me to shivering and had me pressing closer to her for heat while her cries steadily continued. I took the chance to scout our surroundings and, with a mixture of sinking disappointment and relief saw that I hadn't actually almost made it to freedom, came to realisation that I had found a very large courtyard rather than an exit.
"You know," she sniffed, "They call me Ame-Onna because I'm from Amegakure and it's my name in the bingo book, but also because I can't see the rain without crying. It always used to rain back home. The rain never stopped, and at the time I hated it, but now… I can never see it without being reminded of the best years of my life with my beautiful little raindrop. It reminds me how far from home I am right now, and that I will never go back."
I'd already been able to figure that we weren't in Kaze from previous comments about the rain, a complete lack of sand grains in anyone's clothes, and the amount of water that Shion felt free to use, but the comment about being far from home had me drawing up the maps I'd looked at.
If we were in Hi no Kuni, it was likely to the very eastern or southern point. We probably weren't in Tsuchi no Kuni, maybe far West. None of the areas around Ame no Kuni, so there was a fairly high possibility of Kaminari no Kuni, Mizu no Kuni or somewhere close by. Not that the information did me any good if I didn't escape.
"Come on, Sweet thing. Let's get back inside before you catch a cold," Shion stood up and turned to walk inside. As she limped slowly up the stairs, I looked over her shoulder at the heavy clouds with a scream trapped in my lungs. Just as she reached the top step and pushed the door open, the rain let up just enough that I could see the end of the courtyard. Those were undeniably gates I could now see. Gates I was certain led to outside the facility grounds. Gates that led to Tou-san.
My hand curled up to Shion's hair without a thought only to reach loose locks. She wasn't wearing her hair pins.
A low moan of agony left my throat as the door closed on the sight and locked automatically.
Next chapter within 48 hours!
Well. I'm not really sure if I should say 'here you go' or 'oh god I'm so sorry I'm such a sadist'
I can't fully remember what I wrote in this specific chapter, but I'm sure it was sufficiently awful.
Out of a hundred how much to you hate Kuchisake? Or do you feel (reluctant I'm sure) sympathy/pity for her as well?
On the plus side, Sonaru now knows the way out. All she needs is an opportunity.
How do you think that will go down? Or will she be rescued? Perhaps she'll be released by a certain overly attached adult... what do you think?