OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 12: Truth

(Ni)

"And he just left?"

I stared down at Kichirou, who sat on my bed with his legs crossed in front of him, the scroll resting in his lap. He nodded, then yawned. "Yeah."

"Nothing else?"

"Nah." He looked up suddenly, his dark eyes full of excitement. Poor, innocent Kichirou. "But Ni! This is good, right? My first assignment! Also, it says here..." His finger trailed a part of the writing on the scroll. "You're supposed to come with me, so it can't be anything bad." Then he smiled at me and the warmth spread through my stomach.

I cleared my throat, looking away. "You're probably right, it'll be just fine..." I said, when what I wanted to do was pull my hair out at the thought of having to pass another of Ichi's tests. What was he planning? And the three days weren't even over yet. I had planned other things for my last day with the dark-haired boy, who kept watching me as I paced my room nervously.

"Are you still hurting?" he asked quietly, tilting his head, an empathetic look on his face.

I stopped in front of the cupboard, placing my bandaged hands on the cool surface. "A little," I admitted. It was way more than that, but I told myself to pull through. I had to. Endure and survive. For Kichirou's sake.

"So what do you think we have to do?" he asked, sounding anxious for a second.

"Usually the trainer of the tested is in on this, but... well, I wasn't informed of anything. So I have no idea..." I replied, shaking my head slightly as I started to pace around again. The headache from yesterday was still throbbing in the back of my skull. But all of it had been so much worse...

I didn't want to think of the last two days, of the burning pain or the cold loneliness, of how I had hidden myself in an unused room, holed up like a dying animal, away from it all. I didn't want to remember that, because I was here now, with Kichirou, that was all that mattered. And the pain would subside eventually. I hoped.

"Could you sit down for a moment? You're making me really nervous," Kichirou laughed and scratched the back of his head.

I can't, I wanted to reply but stopped moving instead. "Sorry," I said quietly. "Don't be nervous, it'll be alright," I told him, trying to smile. I knew he saw right through it. His gaze was warm and full of worry.

I quickly turned away. This was not what I had planned. I had come out of hiding because I had wanted to break it to him gently that I wouldn't be able to train him anymore. In my head, I had wanted to make clear that I had taught him everything I could and that he would be better off with a new trainer. How I would, however, explain to him that I might also move into another room and completely shut him out of my life, I had no idea.

Maybe this was how I was supposed to break him...

So in the end, before moving on and right into the cage that Ichi was preparing for me, I would finish my mission and turn Kichirou into a mindless pawn. Someone who had nothing to lose and was therefore willing to fight for someone else's ideals.

He didn't deserve this. None of it.

I gritted my teeth as I thought about last night. I had not expected to run into him – or rather get glomped by him in the middle of the corridor. I hadn't been ready to face him yet. But none of it had mattered once he had his arms around me. As soon as I had felt his warmth, I had dived right back into my own selfishness – wanting him. Wanting him to make me feel good about myself. Something I had really needed after the last days and that day... I inhaled deeply, the memories of what Ichi had done and said still fresh in the back of my mind.

"You are mine, Ni," he had said. "I won't allow anyone else to have you."

And I knew he meant it. Seeing Kichirou with that scroll now, an assignment by none other than Ichi, had completely caught me off guard. I had not expected him to move in so quickly, to do the things his way instead of letting me finish what I had started. But in the end that was how it would play out in the future. I knew I didn't have any say in it. I was Ichi's possession and he would store me away when he wouldn't need me and I would stop being me entirely. I would become the tool I was supposed to be.

The tool I had been all those years. If only he wouldn't have opened my eyes about it... Kichirou, what have you done to me? Knowing that I was a tool was so much worse!

I stopped moving and suddenly he was there, right in front of me. Carefully he threw his arms around me, holding me like something fragile, yet in a tight enough embrace for me to immediately calm down, as I breathed against his warmth. Hesitantly I raised my hands and grabbed the back of his sweater as he pulled me closer against his chest.

"Why are you so nervous?" I heard him whisper.

I sighed deeply, leaning my head against his shoulder. "It's too soon..."

"What is?"

"This test... I don't think you're ready yet..."

"Hey," he said and gently grabbed my shoulders to lean me back a little. I looked into his wide eyes. "Don't underestimate me!" he added with a grin.

I smirked tiredly. "I don't, I know you've gotten so much stronger... but..." My eyes wandered over his face until they rested on his mouth. Without noticing, I had the urge to lick my dry lips at the sight.

"But?" The mouth said and I blinked as I realized that I had been staring.

I cleared my throat and looked up into his eyes again. "Ichi's tests are... something else, you know? Very... demanding..." I said quietly, trying not to remember any details about said tests. Feeling my throat tighten, I lowered my gaze and leaned closer to him again, until my cheek rested against his.

"Hm." The sound vibrated through my body. "Who is this guy anyway? Why is he allowed to test me like this? Could you do that too?"

"No, I couldn't, none of the other Ten could. Ichi is..." I gripped his sweater tighter. "He is the Old Man's son. He has special rights in the Herd..."

"His son, huh? What a weird family business they established here..."

My laugh was dry and more like a cough, but genuine. "Indeed..."

"He said I could get my first mission when I passed this assignment," Kichirou said after a moment of silence. "That means I got to go outside again, right?"

I leaned back a little to look at him, tilting my head. His eyes were on me immediately. So warm, so optimistic. "I guess so," I whispered and felt the corners of my mouth twitch upwards. He smiled back with full force, before pressing his mouth against mine.

"Then let's pass this stupid test and go outside!" he laughed against my lips.

Suddenly I felt sadness well up inside me and quickly deepened the kiss by forcing my tongue past his lips. The feel and warmth and taste of his mouth had distracted me admirably these last weeks. Whenever I had felt the weight of my mission or the growing disappointment of the Old Man on me, I had fled into his embrace – that he had so willingly shared with me. Soon it had felt quite natural to me, like breathing.

How I would live without this feeling, I had no idea...

I felt his hands holding my face firmly as he tilted his head slightly to lean in even closer, robbing us both of air very soon. I didn't care. I pushed past the urge to draw away for breath and continued pressing my tongue against his, my lips trembling under the sensitive touch. Squeezing my eyes shut I pulled myself even closer against his chest, my hands so tightly against the fabric of his sweater I was sure to tear it soon. But again, I didn't care.

I needed him.

I need him...

The realization left me breathless. I lowered my head, ultimately breaking the lip lock, panting against his chin as I leaned my forehead against his cheek. I felt his lips gently peck the tip of my nose before he rested against me, equally out of breath, his arms soon around my shoulders.

There has to be another way. I can't just give up on him that easily.

Was it really either honestly fail and have the Old Man get rid of me? Or let Ichi lie for me, pretend to pass the stupid ECCHI-Test and live a life in shame and submission? Either way, I was dying. Quick and immediate, executed as a traitor to the Herd, or slowly, rotting away under Ichi's command... Was that really all there was?

What if I went to the Old Man and asked him to take the test again? Didn't he owe me that much? But would I be able to undermine Ichi's authority like that? I couldn't just do that. It wasn't just my life on the line anymore...

I opened my eyes slowly, my lashes grazing Kichirou's cheek. He was still holding me. I pressed my lips against his jaw, then leaned back. He lazily opened his eyes and looked at me. It felt as if I only just met him, yet also as if I had known him for all my life. How was it possible for someone to become this important to me over such a short amount of time?

Under these circumstances?

"Kichirou," I breathed against him, holding his gaze. His dark eyes drew me in for a long moment in which I almost forgot what I had wanted to say. "Promise me something?" I whispered once I remembered.

"What is it?" he whispered back, a warm smile playing with his lips and eyes.

"Whatever happens today, whatever Ichi wants you to do, whatever he says, be careful. Be respectful towards him, but don't trust him lightly. Don't trust anyone for that matter. Remember what you learned, remember what you can do. Believe in yourself and everything will be alright, okay?"

He watched me, the smile slowly fading when a serious expression washed over his features. "Now I'm really nervous," he said and blinked. "What do you expect this test to be, exactly?"

I cleared my throat and turned my head away with a stifled laugh. "I didn't mean to scare you," I said quietly. "Just... be prepared for anything, alright?"

"Alright," he replied, and as I looked back at him, there was something burning within his eyes. Determination.

"Promise me to live, okay?" I muttered as I leaned forwards and pressed my face against his shoulder, gripping his sweater tighter.

It took him a few seconds to react, before he cried out my name. "Ni! What are you saying? Stop being so dramatic! It'll be alright!" I felt him gently grab my shoulders, trying to pry me away from him. Hesitantly, I let him. When our gazes met, he was grinning at me. "Do you hear me? Whatever this test is, it'll be alright!"

I stared at him. But will it?, I wanted to say, knowing that whatever Ichi had planned would not be a walk in the park. These tests were meant to sort out those that were not suitable for the Herd. For its missions, for its demands on obedience and loyalty. Testing with torture. I realized that I didn't want Kichirou to experience what I had been experiencing my whole life. I had grown used to it, but I felt that he wasn't ready. His own trauma, the one that had brought him here, was still too fresh on his mind. He was still healing. He couldn't endure another one.

"I'll be alright, Ni," I heard him say as if he had read my mind. I blinked. "I'm stronger than you think," he added with a smile. "All thanks to you."

I opened my mouth, but had no idea what to say. He smiled into my silence and leaned in to press his lips onto mine. The touch was short and sweet, leaving my lips tingling as he retreated again. I inhaled sharply as I realized that I had held my breath.

"Trust me, okay?" he asked, watching me closely.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't give him enough credit. Maybe he was indeed stronger than he looked – stronger than I thought. I nodded slowly. "Okay," I replied barely audible. If I expected him to trust me – when I clearly did not deserve his trust – it should be easy to trust him. I did tell him that I believed in him – and I honestly did.

And what if he indeed passed the test with flying colors? Would the Old Man acknowledge that I helped with that? That my mission was successful – despite me failing my own test? Wasn't that what he wanted? Did it really matter that I lost myself in the process? In the end it was Kichirou, who mattered, right? If he became the perfect pawn, I might be able to convince the Old Man to forget about my test and punishment. But would I convince Ichi as well?

No. Definitely not.

His return to the Stable destroyed everything. How should I possibly escape his ever-possessive clutches? I couldn't. All I could do was to get Kichirou out of his reach. The last thing I wanted was for him to get in the middle of this. Ichi said he wouldn't allow anyone else to have me. So if I stayed with Kichirou, he would be in danger. In great danger, because I knew what Ichi was capable of. To say he was protective was an understatement. Jealous? Somehow. He just didn't like anyone to play with his things – and I was one of those.

But to keep Kichirou out of harm's way, I had to...

I blinked as I realized what I had to do. Swallowing, noticing that I was still staring at those dark eyes, I slowly loosened my grip on his sweater. He watched me with a surprised expression as I placed my hands on his chest and ever so slightly pushed him away. It hurt to see him like this, it hurt so much to do this. It hurt more than any physical wound.

...stay away from him.

Lowering my gaze, I inhaled deeply. "We should..." I began, feeling my voice shake. I cleared my throat and continued, noticing that Kichirou's arms had let go of me as well. "We should start preparing for the test," I said, squaring my shoulders, slowly looking back at him, hoping to look as professional and neutral as a trainer should look. I was his trainer after all. Nothing more. Not today. Not anymore...

"How?" he asked, tilting his head in slight confusion.

"Well, first off we shouldn't... um, keep doing this," I said, emphasizing my words by taking a step back. "We can't do this during the test either. Nobody must see us together like this, you know that. Especially not Ichi. Okay?"

He nodded. "I understand..."

I watched him – and knew it wouldn't be easy to stay away from each other. For both of us. All we could do was try.

"Let's get dressed, then," I said and finally looked away. Taking the first step away from him. I didn't wait for him to reply. I couldn't. So I just grabbed my uniform off the cupboard and walked into the bathroom.

(Kichirou)

Something was off with Ni.

Ever since we left our rooms, she hadn't said a word. I had all the reasons to be nervous, not knowing what was to come, but she? She had done this before, right? And she knew this Ichi-guy... Or maybe she was nervous because she knew him. Being the son of the Old Man, who was an authoritarian right by the book, could he be just as strict and unforgiving?

I shot her a side glance as we were walking down the endless corridors, our footsteps the only sounds. Suddenly I remembered the time I had walked in on her in the bathroom, having seen the countless scars on her back. She had said before that she was afraid to disappoint the Old Man and that she tried to be perfect but had failed numerous times in his eyes, causing him to punish her. She had never specified how exactly he was punishing her, but she didn't have to. I had seen the scars and I had made the connection.

Why was I thinking of that now? Maybe it was the stiff way she was walking or her clenched fists, how her entire body seemed to be on edge. She was in pain, still, and as I remembered the scars on her back, I felt hot anger rush through me. He had punished her again, right? That was why she had been away, why she was hurting. She tried her best to keep her composure, but I just knew that she must feel awful.

And the closer we got to the Playground, where we were supposed to meet for the Test, the paler she got. I wanted to grab her hand so badly. Comfort her, hold her, make her feel that it was going to be alright, no matter what was about to happen. But she had made clear that was not an option. And I got it. And somehow, keeping this thing between us secret, made it even better. I felt my pulse accelerating just thinking about it...

I cleared my throat before I could get lost in thought. Focus, I urged myself, as she turned her head towards me, the faint shadow of a smile on her lips. Her eyes, however, were full of a wild mixture of fear, nervousness and sadness. She quickly looked away as I opened my mouth, ready to say anything that could have helped, but it didn't come to this.

We had reached the door leading into the Playground.

So this was it. Suddenly I felt my stomach being twisted, as my heart started drumming violently against my ribcage. I swallowed hard and squared my shoulders, rolling my neck in an unnecessary motion, doing it all to calm myself. I couldn't even help to breathe faster. Ni had her hand on the door handle, as she turned around to me.

I must have looked worse than I felt - which was something. Because despite her own words she stepped towards me and pulled me into an almost bonecrushing hug. I gasped for a second, then hugged her back, breathing in deeply. "It'll be alright," she whispered against me. I nodded shakily, then watched how she let go of me again, threw me an encouraging smile and finally, opened the door to a pitchblack room.

I saw her stiffen as she stepped over the threshold. I was about to follow her, but she hesitated. Turning around, she stretched her hand towards me. Without thinking about it, I grabbed it - and then all hell broke loose.

I felt myself being dragged into the dark room. Stumbling forward, I lost hold of Ni's hand and for a moment stood motionless - with my heart racing - surrounded by darkness as someone had closed the door. Seconds ticked past, the only sounds I could hear were my own rough breathing and the deafening drumming of my heart.

I urged myself to calm down. One part of me was already panicking, remembering the Room of Silence. I clenched my fists and tightly pressed my lips together, slowly shaking my head. No, this is the Playground. You know this room. You spent enough time here to have memorized it. Concentrate!, yelled the other part of my mind, forcing me to move forward. So I closed my eyes (which didn't change anything) and thought about the layout of the room.

But as I started walking towards where the fake forest was supposed to be, I felt a push from behind. I fell onto my knees, then felt something hard against my back, pushing me down. I gritted my teeth against the memories welling up. Trying to breathe against the turmoil, I clenched my fists and carefully pushed against the force, momentarily noticing that it was gone already. Slowly I sat up and unnecessarily looked around the black room.

What is going on? Is this already part of the Test?

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Don't panic, I told myself and listened. Still no sound apart from my drumming heart. Outstretching my hands in front of me, I continued walking, hoping (and yet not hoping) to find an obstacle in the way, something to help me orientate ( - rather than something trying to grab me in the dark). I stumbled forwards for a few minutes it seemed, when suddenly the ground gave way.

I fell, issuing a tiny scream that I couldn't help escape from my mouth, and landed hard on my side. Breathing heavier, I remained lying on the floor for a moment, trying to gather myself. It was then that I heard a muffled gasp.

My heart skipped a beat as I realized something. "Ni!" I called out loud. "Ni, is that you?"

I heard some sort of shuffling, then a deep intake of breath. "Yes. I'm here," I then heard her low voice from the other side of whatever room I was in.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I asked, slowly crawling towards where I suspected her voice to be.

"I'm fine," she replied quietly, before I heard her cough.

"Don't move, I'm coming for you," I said and already tried to scramble to my feet, when she suddenly called out, her voice shrill.

"No! Wait!"

I froze in my tracks. "What?"

"Stay there!" she urged and I heard more shuffling. Slowly this total darkness was getting to me. I felt my heart accelerating.

"Why?"

"Just do what I say, please!" Her voice was strained.

"Okay..." I mumbled, really not wanting to stay where I was. She sounded as if she was in pain and every muscle in my body urged me to run towards her, help her, be with her. But she told me to wait, so I waited.

A long minute I couldn't hear anything. I had to push my fingernails into my palms to keep from panicking. In all that darkness and all that silence, it was the only thing I could do to keep focused. The tiny pain kept me awake. Alive.

"Kichirou," I suddenly heard Ni's voice very close to me, but I refrained from stretching my hands out to her.

"I'm here," I whispered instead, waiting for her to find me. She did and when I felt her hands on my arm, I relaxed immediately, unclenching my fists and exhaling loudly.

"Are you okay?" she muttered barely audible.

I nodded, quickly realizing that she couldn't see me. "Yes," I said.

"Good, let's keep moving," she then said and grabbed my wrist.

"Where to? What are we even supposed to do?"

"What do you think?" she asked, the edge in her voice reminding me what this was. A test. And suddenly she was the teacher again, not the accomplice.

"Find an exit?" I replied quietly.

"Good idea," she said and squeezed my wrist a little.

"But I don't know how. I fell down somewhere and I don't remember the Playground having an underground area..." I listened into the dark for a moment, trying not to get distracted by Ni's warm grip or the shallow way she was breathing next to me. "But this is not far from where I fell down, so maybe we can find a way back up here."

"Let's go then," she said and together we somehow got back to our feet.

She kept a hold on my wrist, as I reached out my free hand and started moving forwards, back into the unknown, feeling for anything that might help us. It felt like an eternity, stumbling through the dark, with nothing in the way. What kind of room was this? Despite the fact that I lost my footing once before, I walked ahead quite confidently - just until I hit my foot on something very hard.

I yelped in pain and stumbled back into Ni, who grabbed my shoulder in support.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

"There's something on the ground... I ran into it," I coughed, the pain still throbbing through my toes. Slowly I got on my knees, feeling Ni do the same next to me. She had let go of my wrist in the process.

Carefully feeling ahead of me with both hands, I quickly found the source of the pain in my foot. Something metal, hard, but smooth surface, sharp edges, the size of a small door, with something protruding from the middle. Something like a handle.

"It's a trapdoor!" I called out, quickly closing my hands around the heavy handle, already pulling it.

"Wait!" Ni hissed next to me. I felt her hands on mine, holding me back. I froze.

"Why?" I asked quietly. "This might be a way out!"

"You don't know that," she whispered, carefully, but persistently pulling my hands away from the handle.

"But..."

"Listen, Kichirou," she then said, her voice so close to my ear, I could almost feel her breath on my skin. "Never go down a path that is unpredictable, always stay safe and rational. If you can't see the path, find another way. A safer way. You know, there are no heroes in the Herd, we don't do anything irrational. Anything that could harm or hinder us or the others. You don't know what's down there..."

I nodded into the dark. Her teacher-voice had gotten to me again. "I get it," I said. "Also, we have to go up, not down, right? Should have thought of that earlier..." I muttered and heard her issue a tiny laugh. I felt my insides squirm under the sound. So warm. So cute.

Suddenly I felt her hands on my face. Her fingers slid over my skin, until her thumbs found the corners of my mouth. I held my breath, blinking into the darkness. But she stopped right there. "Let's keep going," she whispered, her breath hitting my lips, before she let go of me and retreated into the nothingness around me.

I swallowed hard and exhaled loudly. "Okay," I said and scrambled back to my feet, my hand feeling around to find Ni. When it did, my fingers scraped over her arm before closing tightly around her hand. She squeezed back hesitantly. "Let's go," I said and moved on ahead, this time carefully feeling with my free hand and the tip of my foot. Prepared for anything.

Of course luck was not on my side and while I concentrated on not tripping or running into things, I felt something brush the top of my head. I made it worse by looking up, still moving, and the sharp pain as something hard dug into my skull made me see bright lights for a second. I stumbled back, holding my hurting head, feeling Ni's hands on my back. At least I wouldn't fall over again.

"I think I found something," I groaned. Letting go of Ni's hand I reached up and felt my fingers close around cold metal bars. "It's a ladder!" I exclaimed, gripping the lowest bar, while turning around to where I thought Ni was standing close to me. My hand reached out and brushed her shoulder, my fingers quickly tightening around her. "You go up ahead," I said and gently nudged her forwards.

To my utter surprise she did what I said, feeling her way along my body to the arm that was connected to the ladder. I felt her body warmth move past me, then heard how she gripped the metal bars and pulled herself up with a tiny groan. I wanted to help her up, but she was already climbing upwards, the noise of her shoes on the metal construction ringing in my ears.

"I'm up," she then said, her voice echoing down towards me. "Your turn."

I followed her words, grabbed the metal bar with both hands and pulled myself up, quickly moving my hands upwards, gripping the next bar, until my feet found their footing on the ladder. Somehow I found the end of the ladder, crawling on all fours over the edge, before carefully scrambling to my feet, trying not to fall back down.

I took a step forwards, when suddenly the lights went on. Blinded by the brightness, I raised both hands to cover my eyes, freezing in place at the sensation.

"Congratulations!" a voice boomed through the room, making me lower my hands slowly, still squinting against the light.

A rumble echoed trough the room and before I saw the figure slowly walking towards me, I saw the hole I had just emerged from close up on its own. I blinked in confusion. When I looked up, the hole now an indistinguishable part of the dirt floor of the Playground, I saw the tall man named Ichi in front of me and next to him was Ni, watching me with an unreadable expression.

"Well, Sanjuuni, seems you have passed the Test!" Ichi said with a grin, sounding a little bit surprised. "Isn't that so, Ni?"

I frowned and watched the girl a little dumbfounded.

She avoided my gaze and nodded. "You passed the GOAL-Test," she said and I grew even more confused.

"The goal...test?"

"Ni, explain," Ichi ordered and Ni nodded.

"The GOAL-Test, G.O.A.L., is a test about teamwork and group-dynamics," she began, her eyes fixed somewhere on my shoulder. "Gather, Obey, Adjust and Lead. You found yourself in an unknown situation and the first thing you have to do is gather yourself, gather your strength and ultimately, gather your comrades. You did all that. You didn't panic and you found me." Her eyes shifted up for only a second.

"Once you're no longer alone, you have to be able to obey the orders from others. You did that when I told you to stay where you were. And when you found the trapdoor, you listened to what I said, despite wanting to follow the trapdoor down in the unknown. You adjusted to what I told you, you found another way - and in the end, you lead us out of there. You were able to take the lead and save the group."

"Exactly," Ichi said and placed a hand on Ni's shoulder. For a moment that was all I saw as I stiffened. "First test, done. Let's head right into the next, shall we?"

I blinked as he looked at me with an arrogant smirk, squeezing Ni's shoulder, before letting her go and turning to walk towards the entrance of the Playground. Somehow, we had ended up in the far back. I started following him, waiting for Ni to walk beside me, but she shook her head and motioned me to go on ahead - which I did a little bit unwillingly. I heard her follow me slowly, almost hesitantly.

I wanted to turn around to her, ask if she was alright, maybe even share a quick hug over the successfully passed test but the presence of the other man seemed to work against that. I remembered her words, her urging me not to display any kind of affection in front of Ichi. Reluctantly, I forced myself to focus on what was coming. Apparently there were more tests ahead.

Once I caught up with the older man, I saw him standing on the outside of the fenced-in area. I came to a halt and waited for further instructions. Meanwhile, Ni was walking right past me to stand next to Ichi, her head bowed a little. It drove a thorn through my side as I saw her like this. I squared my shoulders and stared up at the other man.

"Alright, the next test: taijutsu. You know how to spar, right?" I nodded. "Great, show me then," he said and raised a hand to point towards the fenced-in area. I followed suit and noticed Ni walking right behind me.

I stopped in my tracks. I had to spar her? She met my gaze and urged me to keep moving, which I did more than reluctantly. We ended up facing each other, like we had done countless times before. But this was different. This was a test. Under the keen blue eyes of the Old Man's son.

"Begin," Ichi ordered, while leaning against the fence with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

I moved into a defensive stance and waited for Ni to attack. She usually started the sparring as I still couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to hurt her. Normally, she would look past it, but today, I felt she was too on edge to let it slide. I braced myself as she moved forward, the back of her hand connecting hard with my raised forearm as I blocked her.

Her eyes stared into mine, something dark glistening within. "Fight me," she mouthed barely audible as she moved in again, but once more, I only blocked and parried her attacks. The more she hit me, some of her hits slipping past my defense, the angrier she looked, because I still didn't fight back. The way she hit and kicked me became stronger and stronger and one particular kick pushed me back so far, I fell hard against the fence.

Shaking off the pain, I slipped back into my defensive stance, before she could land another hit. She kept fighting me, growing more and more agitated, and I kept avoiding her, blocking, slipping away, ducking. I jumped back towards the middle of the area, as she suddenly lunged forwards, slipping one arm around my neck, while snaking her leg around mine to make me lose my balance. I gripped her arm, trying to hold onto her, but the next moment she threw me over her shoulder and hard onto the mat.

I gasped when all air was pushed out of my lungs, unable to get back up on my feet, as she pounced me, keeping her arm tightly around my neck, her free hand grabbing my shoulder to twist it around painfully. I was ready to call it quits and give up, my palm already inches away from hitting the mat, as I heard her voice in my ear, low and raspy, as angry as I have ever seen her.

"Fight back!" she hissed, squeezing my neck to emphasize her words.

I shook my head and slammed my palm down on the mat.

She immediately let go of me and jumped back into a standing position, her shoulders squared, her gaze dark, her chest heaving. I saw Ichi entering the sparring area, coming to a halt right next to Ni. I got up slowly, brushing off a bit of dust from my pants.

"Well, I gotta say, your defense is really good. You move fast, but you don't fight back, you never attack. Why is that?" he asked, staring at me with the hint of a smirk.

I cleared my throat, looking away in slight embarrassment. "I can't fight girls..." I muttered.

"You can't... oh my," I heard him laugh. Slowly, I looked back up. My gaze wandered towards Ni, who stood with her fists clenched at her sides, her head lowered, her body tense.

Suddenly Ichi stepped behind her, towering over her. I stiffened as he placed his hands on her shoulders. "If you can't fight girls, then I guess, we have to find you another sparring partner," Ichi said and watched me closely, the smirk faded. I waited for him to let her go and take a step towards me, offering himself as a sparring partner. But he stayed right behind Ni.

And then he made her step forwards, his hands guiding her closer to me. She looked up in surprise, as did I. "Here you go," he said.

I blinked in confusion. "But... that's still Ni," I said, not understanding what the other man wanted from me.

"Well spotted," he said and I noticed how his hands slipped from Ni's shoulders towards her waist. Something inside me clenched painfully, when he started to unbuckle her belt.

"What are you -" I began, catching Ni's equally panicked gaze. She turned her head towards Ichi and shook it violently.

"Don't," she muttered, staring at him. He met her gaze with a smirk. "Don't hurt him."

Don't hurt me? What? But she was the one he was touching, what was going on? I took a step towards them, when Ichi looked back at me, his blue eyes causing me to shiver in cold sweat. I froze in place and watched him throw the belt behind him. A new wave of confusion washed over me. Huh?

But then I saw Ni's gaze and what was swimming within. Panic.

I blinked, unable to do or say anything. I watched how Ichi's hands snaked around Ni's hips, until his fingers started unbuttoning her pants. Something cold rushed through me and in a last effort to stop whatever was happening, I raised a hand and called out: "Stop!"

Ichi met my gaze and grinned. "I promised you a new sparring partner," he said, and as I stared at him in complete bewilderment, several things happened at once. I noticed Ni's wide eyes, her feeble attempt to stop Ichi from doing what he was doing. I felt my own heartbeat accelerate, a single drop of sweat running down between my shoulder blades. And then, under a smirking gaze, I saw how Ichi grabbed Ni's waistband and pulled down her pants, saying: "Here you go."

I stared. For a long time (so it felt) I could only stare. Yet my eyes only lingered for five seconds on Ni's exposed skin, until she - sooner than I - regained her composure, bending down to pick up her pants, covering herself.

Hang on.

Something in my mind told me that something was wrong. It sounded wrong. She didn't cover herself. Because she was... she had... I blinked so slowly, it felt as if an hour passed by as I tried to comprehend what I had seen.

"Ni," I mouthed, looking up oh so slowly. "Are you..." I couldn't. Neither say nor think it. It didn't make sense.

Ni was avoiding my gaze, breathing heavily, while Ichi stood close by, his arms crossed in front of his chest, the smirk plastered on his face. Ni's was flushed.

"Kichirou," I heard my name in that low voice, low and deep, gentle and fearful.

"You're a..." I tried again, blinking. Then I saw it again, in my mind, the five seconds that changed everything. Ni's exposed skin, the pants around the ankles, the shaking knees, the pale thighs and the... I shook my head as the realization sank its teeth into my skin. Ni had a penis. "You're a boy..." I finally said, feeling all the things and nothing at all at the same time.

"I... am," Ni's voice drifted towards my dumbfounded body.

I blinked. "And... you never told me..."

"I had hoped you would find out on your own..." came the quiet response.

I looked up. Ni met my gaze and for a moment I couldn't hold it. I just couldn't. I didn't know how. I clenched my fists and stared at the ground, feeling something hot creep up my neck. "You never said anything..." I pressed out. "Never corrected me... all the times I called you a girl... you never... said anything..." Suddenly I felt anger rise within all the confusion and embarrassment that meddled my senses. I raised my head and stared at Ni, who watched me silently with no expression at all. "You just played along! Why would you do that? Why didn't you say anything?"

"It didn't matter..." The answer was as quiet as before, but this time it felt cold. I blinked.

"It didn't matter?" I repeated, shaking my head violently. "But it does! How... how could you?" I glared at Ni, ignoring the sad expression in the brown eyes staring back. "You lied to me..." I went on, unable to control the anger rushing out of me. "I trusted you, Ni! And you... you lied to me... played with me... betrayed me!" I kept shaking my head, my fists pressed against my sides, as I started moving past Ni and Ichi. "I... I have to... go," I mumbled, before falling into a slow jog, leaving the fenced-in area, running towards the door, pushing through onto the corridor, while my head was spinning and my heart was racing and not a single sane thought came through.

Anger was all I felt. Anger and betrayal. A little sadness. Lots of confusion. Quite a bit of embarrassment. But mostly anger. It pushed me forwards, away from whatever just happened.

Away from Ni.

(Ni)

I stared after Kichirou in shock, my hands still holding the waistband of my pants. There was nothing else I felt. No anger, no sadness, no shame. Just pure shock. He knew.

Next to me, Ichi bent down and picked up my belt. "I guess the test is canceled, huh?" he said as if nothing happened.

Suddenly I did feel something. A rush of rage. "Why? Why did you do that?" I basically spat at Ichi's face, who stared at me in mild surprise, before regaining his composure.

"Because you would have never found the nerve to tell him," he replied calmly, pushing the belt into my hands.

I glared at him, feeling my cheeks burning up. "But... like this?"

"You know I don't play around," he said with a shrug and raised a hand to ruffle my hair. I tried to avoid the gesture, but he was faster, gripping my head forcefully once he was done. "Look at it this way: this totally solved all of our problems. You are free now," he said, leaning closer towards me. I stiffened. "Free to be mine, that is."

He threw me a sickening smirk, then leaned away, stretching his arms behind his head. My stomach gave an angry growl, yet the sound was nothing compared to the beast roaring inside me. I was so angry, so frustrated, so saddened by how Kichirou had reacted. Then Ichi turned to leave the Playground, winking as he said: "I expect you in my room tonight." It didn't even fully register what he said. I just stood there, motionless. Unable to do or say anything. When he finally left the room, I felt everything fall apart. Suddenly alone, I could only feel misery. Ice cold, back stabbing misery.

Clenching around my heart, tightening my throat, squeezing my stomach. As everything turned dark around me, I felt myself sink to my knees, my breathing loud and rough in my ears. It's over, I thought as I stopped fighting against the emotions pulling me down. I gave in. For the first time in my whole life, I gave in.

I had been supposed to break the boy named Tsutana Kichirou. But in the end, it had been me. He had started to break me the moment he had kissed me. The moment I had let him in. Until it had been too late.

Now I was the broken one. Thrown away unwanted. Left to die on the bottom of it all. Slowly rotting away...

I knew right there and then, kneeling on the floor, coughing my throat out, trying to get air into my lungs, that I had nothing left to lose.

It was over.

A/N:

Ni, I am so sorry, again!

Well, it's out: this is actually a BL story. I did drop a few hints, you know? You probably knew. It's still a relief to actually write it. Ni is a boy. Was from the very beginning, Kichirou is just really, really slow – or naive. It's cute. And it was fun to play around with him not having a clue and everyone else obviously knowing the truth. Of course, once certain people (Ichi) found out about him thinking Ni was a girl, it had to end. That was Ichi's plan all along. Poor Ni.

So what now? Was Kichirou's reaction too harsh? Will he come to his senses? Does it matter what Ni's gender is anyway? You'll find that out in the next chapter.

Thank you for reading this far! I appreciate it more than you'd think! This is a twisted little tale after all, where all my darkest fantasies come to life (we all have those, right? No need to call Freud on me or anything... hehe), so I do appreciate anyone daring to read and possibly enjoy this. Thanks!