OUT OF LUCK

The tale of Tsutana Kichirou

Chapter 13: Trying

(Kichirou)

The rest of the day I spent pouting like a little kid. Too angry to think, too angry to do anything other than pacing my room, throwing myself on the bed, aimlessly rummaging through the few clothes I had in my cupboard, pacing some more, and literally behaving like the last human being. All the time my heart was racing viciously inside my chest.

I was caught in a whirlwind of anger, confusion, betrayal and embarrassment. For hours, it seemed. Somehow I ended up on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to think, but I still couldn't form any kind of thought. It was all a blur, a red-glowing blur that eventually lulled me to sleep when exhaustion washed over me.

That night I dreamed the weirdest thing. It was nothing particular, no sharp images, just echoes of feelings, shadows of emotions. A couple of faces rushing by. Some smirks, some arrogant laughs. A few wide eyes. Sounds of struggle and of pain. Ladders in the dark. Someone calling my name. And in all that chaos I only remembered one thing very clearly. A little too clearly.

When I woke up the next morning, covered in sweat, I realized that had been my first dream about male genitalia. Deeply disturbed I stumbled off the bed and right under a very cold shower until I had washed off any last remnant of last night. It took me longer than expected.

Once I left the shower, shivering to the bone, the cold had managed to wash away most of my anger as well. The act of thinking felt a little easier now. And so I got dressed, sat down on the edge of my bed and started thinking.

What the hell even happened yesterday? It all went downhill after the first question formed inside my head. As if the dam was broken and everything, all the confusion and embarrassment and betrayal, rushed back into my mind at once.

But I was trying.

Trying so hard to understand what was going on inside me. Why my heart was aching so badly. Why I felt so betrayed.

Why I had so many problems with the fact that Ni was not a girl.

I had seen it (and dreamed about it). Clear as day. Not for too long, but long enough to make sure: Ni was a boy.

Now, as I paced my room again, I wasn't sure what hurt more. The fact that I hadn't noticed on my own and that somebody else had to point me to it. Or that Ni hadn't found it necessary to tell me. Or that, deep down, I cared more about having been lied to than the information of Ni having the same body parts as me.

Was I upset about Ni's gender or about the fact that all my assumptions were wrong? Then again, it wasn't as if I was completely blind and oblivious. Ni had some pretty feminine features, a lean but soft face, a slender body (also a completely flat chest, but seriously, some girls just didn't have boobage to begin with (which I was apparently fine with), so I guess I figured Ni was one of those) and a voice that wasn't too masculine, not scruff or deep, but low and gentle, never too loud, never too harsh.

So for someone like me who hadn't had any to none experience with the other sex (or any sex, for that matter), it had been dangerously easy to assume. When I thought of Ni now, all I could see was this gently smiling person that was strong and intelligent, funny and cute, that comforted me when I felt down, that was there for me when I needed them the most, that made me feel at ease.

Did it really matter what gender Ni had?

For Ni it didn't. Nothing changed for her, I mean, for him. For an instance I was angry about the fact that I had to switch up my pronouns now. Ni was a he now. He had been before, but I had been too dense to notice or possibly care. I remember the day I had seen Ni for the first time, how mesmerized I had been by what I had seen. By his angelic face, I had really called it that, right? From the very beginning I had thought of Ni as this perfect, beautiful being - automatically assuming that these adjectives belonged to a girl.

And this was were my confusion started.

I was old-fashioned and probably a little ignorant, I knew that, despite not having a proper upbringing. But as I had traveled from town to town, I had never seen people interested in the same sex. (Not that everyone was parading their most private needs around, but still.) I had met many married couples, always a man and a woman, I had seen lovers, girls hanging on the arms of boys and boys holding hands with their girls; and so it was normal to me that whenever I might get interested in somebody, they would be a girl. Me being a boy and all.

And yet now I was interested in another boy.

I was interested in Ni. No, it was more than that: I liked Ni, a lot, because of the things we shared. Not just the touches and kisses and cuddles, but the time we had spent together, talking, training, just sitting together in silence. It had felt right. It had made me feel good about myself.

And now that was over?, I asked myself as I sat down on the edge of my bed for the umpteenth time, exhaling loudly. Just because Ni was a boy? Though, when I thought about all the intimacies we shared, it did feel weird for a moment. I didn't quite know why it felt weird, but it somehow did. He was a boy and I was a boy. We were both boys... maybe I should start writing it down to make more sense of it. I mean, it was not as if I started having feelings for boys in general now, right? I blinked in disgust as I thought about the other boys of the Herd that I had had the pleasure of meeting before. Nope, no feelings for them.

It was just Ni, who caused my stomach to twitch in this weird way. It was a good weird, I realized. Weird being the word of the month. It was weird to feel for another boy like this, but the more I thought about it, the more normal it became.

Ni was still Ni, no matter what body parts he had.

I basically jumped up from my bed when I came to terms with the confusion inside me. Something else had sneaked into my mind. Suddenly I was back at the Playground, having to watch Ichi get up and personal with Ni, exposing him to me in that totally uncalled-for way. What was that man thinking? Clenching my fists in anger, I started pacing my room again.

He might be the Old Man's son, but treating Ni, who was the Old Man's right hand, if I recalled correctly, like this was the worst. How could he? And why? Just to point me to the mistake I had been making these last weeks? To embarrass me? Or to humiliate Ni? Maybe he had known about us, maybe he had tried to separate us this way.

He did succeed, I realized as I stopped right in front of the bathroom door, hearing nothing from within or the adjacent room. Ni wasn't there. Ever since I left the Playground, keeping myself busy pacing around, sitting on my bed, standing up again, pacing some more (it felt as if a lot of time had passed), there had been no sound from Ni's room.

And suddenly I felt cold, remembering how I had reacted to Ni's exposure. How angry I had been, how betrayed I felt, when really, Ni had not done anything wrong. It hadn't been an issue for him, yet maybe, someday, he might have told me, under different circumstances, without another man forcing him to. How it must have felt to be exposed like that... horrible might be an understatement.

There had been panic in Ni's brown eyes, I recalled. His face had been flushed. He certainly had not expected Ichi to be that blunt. And he had not expected that harsh reaction from me. All that anger I had thrown at him. For him to avoid me now, seemed like the only thing he could do.

Sitting down in the chair next to my bed, I buried my face in my hands. It was all my fault. In that moment, I hated myself, deeply, more than anything. Why did I have to react that way? Why did it have to take me more than twenty-four hours to realize that he had been right and that it didn't matter? And why was I still thinking about this, when I should go and look for Ni?

I had to find him. Had to tell him that I was sorry. That I didn't care. That I still liked him!

I jumped up again and rushed to the door, suddenly hesitating. What if it was too late? What if Ni had already decided that it indeed didn't matter and that we were over? (Not that we were officially a thing to begin with. These last weeks though... they were something, right?) And what if I couldn't fix this? What if Ni didn't want me to fix it?

My hand curled around the door handle.

I had to try. No matter what, I had to try. Pacing around my room wasn't doing anything to fix this. It would only drive me insane at some point. I inhaled deeply and made up my mind. I had to find Ni.

I was on my second lap around the wooden corridors, having checked all the major places with absolutely no success whatsoever, when I heard heated voices from around a corner I haven't noticed before. Slowly sneaking closer, I realized I found a staircase I had never taken. Carefully looking up the steps, I concentrated hard on the voices echoing down, slightly muffled as if behind a set of doors, but still audible enough for me to eavesdrop.

"...was doing everything I could!"

"But it wasn't enough! I am more than disappointed."

"With all due respect, I tried my best. He was too far gone. You must have seen it before. It was already too late when I got back."

"So you're saying it is all my fault?"

"No, I... Of course not. Forgive me."

"Hmm. I won't forget the sacrifices you made for the Herd, for me. Yet you have to realize the circumstances. The mess you started. Yes, you started this for your own personal benefits. I see everything... don't be ashamed, we all have our... needs. But there is a fine line between desire and actual necessity. You know that. You know how important he is to me. You..."

"Then I don't understand why you gave him so many liberties in the first place!"

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare question me! I don't believe in slavery, I thought you know that! Didn't I pick you up from hell, like all the other kids? Didn't I save you from misery and certain death? I gave you a new life, new opportunities, I gave you a reason to live. All of them I gave a purpose. And it was his purpose to serve me, he made it his purpose. All by himself. It wouldn't have worked otherwise... he had to do it voluntarily. But now... things have changed. He has changed and it was your job to bring him back to how it was before."

"You know who changed him, don't you? I realized right away and did my best to undo it, but it was too late. And now he's..."

"It's not too late. You know what to do. Use him. But remember, we still need him. Don't harm him. In any way. I'm serious."

"Yes, Oyaji, understood."

"Leave as soon as possible. The last trace is fading fast. You have one week to find Ni."

My heart was still racing as the voices stopped abruptly. The sound of a door cut through my meddled thoughts. As I heard the first steps coming down the staircase, I jumped around the corner in sheer panic, still unable to comprehend what I had heard. What exactly did I hear? Was Ni gone? Did he run away and now someone is supposed to find him because the Old Man (whose voice I had recognized at once) needed him? And they did talk about Ni... about Ni changing because of someone. Because of me? And they wanted to use me, but still needed me too? I was so confused, yet I still managed to scurry along the corridor, away from the hidden staircase and the person descending it.

As I dared throw a look over my shoulder, I couldn't see anything. And in fact, I couldn't hear anything else either. Where did the footsteps go? I stopped and turned around fully. Nothing. Shaking my head, still confused and irritated, I continued walking away, without knowing where exactly to go, when I bumped into something. Just like that. As if something had appeared right in front of me, out of thin air. I stumbled backwards and took a look.

The moment I realized who I had ran into, who was staring down at me with his arms folded in front of his chest, I felt something hot erupt inside me. Anger. Slowly I looked up, my whole body going rigid.

Ichi.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked coldly.

I met his gaze, holding back all the things I wanted to throw his way, and squared my jaw. "Lunch," I simply said, not caring what time it was or whether I was even near the dining hall.

Of course Ichi didn't buy it. "Ni's gone, you know that?" he cut right to the chase.

At the sound of Ni's name, something inside me snapped. "You..." But all my accusations, all the rage, came to a sudden halt when he leaned in and grabbed my shoulder, pushing me backwards against the wall.

"Listen, you know it's your fault he left. You pushed him away."

I opened my mouth to protest, knowing that Ichi was absolutely wrong, but then his words got me. He might have exposed Ni, he forced the truth out, but it was me who reacted like a brat. Hurt and blind and angry and betrayed. I ran away first, I left Ni behind. And it took me way too long to make up my mind. And it was only now, staring up into Ichi's reproachful eyes that I realized that not once in those last twenty-four hours, I had wondered what Ni was up to. How he was dealing with this new situation. With my reaction. Suddenly I felt even worse. I swallowed hard.

"He... he really ran away?" I asked quietly, all the rage against the other man suppressed for the moment by an even larger amount of guilt.

Ichi let go of me and leaned back, nodding. "He must have left somewhere last night. He was supposed to meet me, but never showed up." He watched me, as I felt myself crumble beneath his gaze. "You want him to come back, right?"

I took a moment to consider what I wanted. Yes, I wanted him to come back, but I realized how selfish that thought was. Also, Ni wouldn't just leave the Herd, his family, and everything it entailed behind, because I rejected him, right? He might be hurt or heartbroken, but whatever we had, it wouldn't be enough for him to just run away! There had to be more. It wasn't just me. How self-centered would I be to think that! He didn't meet with Ichi – which was a sign that there had to be more to the whole story. He basically disobeyed an order. Something Ni would never do.

"I want him to be safe," I replied eventually, staring back up at Ichi, who raised an eyebrow at that. Apparently, he didn't expect to hear that.

"He will be safe back here, trust me," he said. He watched me for another moment, before he sighed and looked away. "Listen, I'm organizing a search party." He went on, but my mind stopped at the word search party.

Of course. Ni ran away, he was... outside. My brain was working really slow, but ever so slowly, something formed within the dusty walls of my skull. They would have to look for him outside. If I can get outside, I can find Ni – but instead of bringing him back here, I'll run away with him. I'll stay outside. I had always wanted to make Ni happy. And I had always wanted to see the outside again. And this seemed to be the perfect opportunity to combine the two – given that I could make Ni happy again if he ever forgave me for my childish behavior.

"I'm in!" I exclaimed, without having heard anything else Ichi had told me. He blinked in confusion about my outburst and frowned.

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Sure," I lied and scratched the back of my head. "I... uh, this will be my first mission, so of course I'll be careful and do whatever you say..."

Ichi sighed. "Before anything, you should learn to listen closely to your superiors. But never mind, alright, you're in, great. As if that was a question... I'll gather the others and expect you to meet us in the dining hall in half an hour. We'll prepare everything else there. Go back to your room and get ready."

And with that, he left me. It took me another minute or so to comprehend what was about to happen. My first mission. My first time leaving this stupid wooden place after what felt like forever. I would see the sun again. But more importantly, I would do anything to find Ni. And in a perfect world, I would find him, I would apologize, we would make up, somehow lose the rest of the search party, run away from it all and live a happily ever after. Of course it wouldn't be that easy – and as of yet, I had no idea how I would just ditch someone like Ichi or whoever was to come with us.

But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. We'll just wing it. As usual.

In that moment I felt confident enough to believe that.

A/N:

This chapter, man, wow... kinda sensitive topic, but I tried my best. I did write parts of it several years ago, hope it still works with today's views. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I'm open for suggestions though (wink wink,drop a review maybe?okaythanks).