Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
After last chapter there is supposed to be another Kakashi chapter (it was going to go after the three part chapter, but then it became a goddamn three part chapter and I figured I could put it sandwiched in between instead), so imagine after reading Sonaru's chapter last time you follow Kakashi kicking butts and taking names again and also finding out info that puts him on the right track to find Sonaru.
The last half to third of this chapter and next chapter I enjoyed writing - though I really can't promise you'll enjoy reading them.
There's not much else to say tbh, apart from the that the slog is almost over - rejoice? And sorry it's dragged on for so long, but such is the hazard of writing and putting out a first draft - it only becomes clear to me exactly how to cut down the unnecessary fat of the story after it's out there all together and complete.
(This is the most moral, compassionate, vulnerable, concerned, anxious part Sonaru's mental voice)
(this is also Sonaru's mental voice, angrier, selfish, impulsive, more politically incorrect, more nihilistic)
[This is the most logical Shinobi trained part of Sonaru's mental voice]
No beta, barely any proof reading and no editing. be warned.
Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.
Chapter 55 - Like A Lucifer She'll Always Shine
When Shion arrived back earlier than usual, entering the room in a hurry and immediately unlocking the chest - the loud clanking of the locks reverberating uncomfortably loudly in my ears after the quiet of the last few hours - the first words out of her mouth with a tense smile were, "Come on, Sweet thing. Oh dear, have you wet yourself again? No time to wash yourself, beautiful baby. We'll just have to make do with a quick clothes change."
She hurriedly pulled me by the arm up and out of the metal chest, roughly yanking my damp and piss soaked dress over my head and slapping my hands away when I attempted to take my cold wet underwear off by myself. Moments later, a fresh pair was being pulled up to rest uncomfortably against my tacky skin and a clean dress pulled on me.
Not bothering with shoes or socks, Shion quickly ran her fingers through my bed head hair - to little effect - and hoisted me into her arms.
I kept my mouth shut, hyper aware of the tremble I had felt in her hands when they'd carded through my hair and the strain in her expression when she looked at me.
She carried me out of the room swiftly and made quick pace on a route through the corridors that I recognised - we were going to see Nagao. Smothering a grimace, I sighed in resignation - there was certainly suppressed panic thrumming behind my ribs but I was too detached and weary to give in to it.
There were none of the usual reminders to behave and I could tell something had Kuchisake shaken. Anticipating the usual awfulness of visiting the cold man, I felt myself mentally drift backward and take a back seat in my own experiences. I almost wished she'd left me in the metal chest all day instead.
I noted curiously that upon arrival, for the first time, Kuchisake didn't knock and wait for Nagao to open the door for us, but instead let herself in immediately. I hadn't realised she had access to unlocking the door to his office.
Waiting for us was Nagao and, to my vague surprise, Hiroshi. Both looked at us with anticipation - Nagao cool and piercing whereas Hiroshi appeared subtly hopeful and worried.
"Ah, there she is," Hiroshi smiled somewhat blandly at me, though concern peeked through.
Kuchisake placed me on the floor in front of both men, Nagao on the chair behind his desk and Hiroshi on the seat in front of it - I noticed dryly that neither Shion nor I were ever offered the seat when it was just us.
For a few awkward seconds I had the distinctly unpleasant experience of feeling the silent but probing eyes of all three adults, resisting the urge to either squirm or look to the increasingly unreliable Shion for reassurance.
"Well?" Nagao raised an imperious eyebrow and gestured at me, glancing to Hiroshi expectantly.
The doctor cleared his throat and straightened, "Yes, right," and stood up to approach me.
"As I have indicated in the medical notes, the method I discovered to create the initial connection is with medical chakra, however the child's side of the connection is forged via simply inserting her chakra into the receiver, upon which the pleasure centres in the receiver's brain light up and the chemicals released indicate some sort of incredibly strong natural high. The foreign chakra lasts about five seconds in each person's system, once finished inserting, before the chakra is expelled from the child's body whereas in the receiver's body it is assimilated.
"I don't know why the intense personal connection is forged, nor how the feeling of camaraderie and peace is created. I have yet to begin testing to see if there are a variety of alternative methods to create this bond outside of an unformed genjutsu and if doing so would alter said bond, if the child can initiate the bond... I - well to put it bluntly I would say that this is step one on the path of discovery regarding this phenomenon. I would say that it would be akin to criminally wasteful not to find out all we can about this, especially seeing as the child is, as far as I know, the only existing person who can do this."
Nagao never took his eyes off me during Hiroshi's explanation, his gaze calculating and impassive. When Hiroshi was finished speaking, Nagao gave a single nod and then gestured once more toward me, "Proceed."
I felt far too vulnerable to be comfortable at the idea of this happening in front of the likes of Nagao and Kuchisake but before fear could rise within me fully, Hiroshi's hand lit up with medical chakra and I gave in to the inevitability.
His hand touched my shoulder and, in what was now a reflex, the hand on my other side immediately reached out to grasp his wrist.
Even as I was doing so, bliss buried my awareness of anything but the man in front of me. I was swept under by the shared love and acceptance I was so used to finding with him, that I had needed so much and that he had provided. My complete acknowledgment of the merit of his existence, the awe I felt knowing he saw me with those same eyes. The joy ran higher and higher until I was pure feeling, I couldn't even feel my body, before I drifted slowly and perfectly down.
It was a moment before I could register sight and hearing again, but as soon as I did my eyes darted toward Nagao. I couldn't feel the same stressed and detached that I had before, but that didn't prevent me from keeping an eye out for currently the most volatile person in the room.
I noted absently that it took Hiroshi a second or two longer than me to come back to himself this time and that when full awareness flickered in his eyes again he made no sign of moving away from me.
Nagao was watching the whole thing looking only mildly interested, before he made a contemplative humming noise, "Have you noticed any changes as time has progressed from her procedure?"
Hiroshi appeared to think on the question for a moment before he replied, "The experience might last ever so slightly longer and be a touch more intense, but I couldn't be certain without empirical evidence."
"I see. Tell me now, Hiroshi-san, do you believe this is something that can be weaponised?"
Hiroshi seemed to flounder for a moment, his puzzled face revealing how irrelevant such a concern was in the face of brand new scientific discoveries.
Nagao raised a hand before the man could answer, preemptively stopping him, "From what I observed, the child was just as overwhelmed as you were - just as easily caught off guard should someone choose to attack in such a moment. Am I incorrect?"
There was a heavy pause as reluctance briefly pressed Hiroshi's lips together before he admitted, "Your assessment is accurate."
"That's not to say Sona's unexplored ability will always be lacking use in battle. We hardly know anything about it," Kuchisake stepped forward, her voice lacking strength but remained unwavering nonetheless.
Nagao's hand raised sharply, preventing her from speaking again, "Yes, I'm aware. Orders were made very clear that there were to be no exceptions regardless of my personal preference-"
My brow raised in surprise as Hiroshi cut him off in protest, "The child is not even part of the test groups, she is entirely unconnected to the other children."
"I know!" Nagao raised his voice slightly, the words almost a bark and frustration shining through. Hiroshi's mouth shut and his lips pressed in a tight line, while Shion took a step back. My heart thudded once in what I denied to be fright and I subtly wiped my clammy palms on my clothes.
"I am fully aware of the situation, and while I see the merit of both your arguments the choice is not up to me. I intend to send a message with your current findings and a request to make an exception for this child but, until I receive a reply, nothing is to be done," Nagao's tone was cool and final. There was a drawn out pause in which no one said a thing, before he spoke again, "That is all I have to say on the matter. Now leave. All of you."
With a respectful bow, we all turned to leave. Shion immediately scooped me up to hold me tight on her grasp as Hiroshi opened the door for her. I stared at Hiroshi's hand with a mild frown on my face as he held the door open - there was something about doing so that niggled at me but I couldn't focus long enough to connect the dots that my brain wanted me to when the atmosphere in the room was so stifled and awkward.
Despite my best efforts, my mind only continued to fruitlessly ping that I had seen something worth noting without any more clarity during the journey back to our room, before I was distracted by my wariness of Shion in an enclosed space.
There was a tension so tight within the stunning woman's posture that for a moment I didn't speak, afraid that she would snap. She stiffly walked us both into the bathroom and ran a bath, giving the water no time to rise before she climbed into the tub with me, both fully dressed, holding me as close as she could.
Taking a careful breath, I made myself ask the frighteningly still woman, "Is something going to happen to me, Kaa-chan?"
A hysterical sounding laugh escaped her, short and high pitched and resembling a hiccup or a sob, "No, Sweet thing. You don't have to worry about anything."
Her nails dug into my skin as she crushed me against her chest, and I didn't believe a word of it.
She murmured possessive and intense words into my ears as the water level rose and soaked her clothes. The steam licked the bottoms of my bare feet, concerning in its high temperature and I began to fidget as the water continued to rise without Kuchisake making any move to add cold in.
The bottom of my dress dipped briefly into the bath water and quickly soaked it up, coming to lay almost scaldingly against my skin as I wriggled my way up Shion's body.
"Kaa-chan," I whimpered, a wobble making its way in, "Kaa-chan, the bath is full."
"Hmm," for a long, frightening minute she made no effort to turn the water off, and it flicked painfully at the bottoms of my feet as my toes desperately gripped at her clothes to keep them from dropping into the heat, before she finally leaned over and turned the tap.
I froze in my position, my fingers and toes clawing into her wet clothes in order to keep my body above the water, far too hot for my youthfully sensitive skin. She took no notice of my distress and continued to speak gently at me.
"I will always keep you safe, Sweet thing. Always. Never letting anyone take you from me. Not again my Little Raindrop. Did I ever tell you what happened to the man who took my family from me? No? I visited my Love and I asked him for one last evening with him, distraught over my scars and his inability to bear the sight of my disfigurement. I believe he thought I intended to kill myself out of guilt and grief - and though I did intend to do so, there was one last thing I felt I had to do.
"We lay together that evening, though he wouldn't look at my face. He seemed almost more upset than I was that our time was coming to an end, and after he had finished he hid his face in my hair and tried not to cry. I comforted him as best I could, although I couldn't soothe his grief, and then I took a kunai I had hidden by the bed and I stabbed it through the back of his neck while I held him.
"My plan was to stay there until the morning came and his men discovered what I'd done, before dying as I fought them - I was aware that I didn't have the skills to take them on all at once. But... something within me prevented me from doing so. I wanted my Little Raindrop back, I just wanted to see her again, but I didn't want to die. She was gone and I didn't have the courage to die in order to join her. So I dressed myself, and I ran.
"I knew they would be after me, and I knew I had to leave the country, so I ran as fast and far as I could, taking jobs on the way to keep me going, spending nights with whoever I had to in order to keep myself safe. Eventually I was noticed and picked up by my current Kage, who took me in and gave me purpose again: for five years it's been the children here. But now it is you, Sweet thing. You give my life purpose again and I will never let anyone take you away from me, no matter what."
My stomach sank as she continued to talk and talk, never loosening her grip on me, until the water turned from hot to warm and then cool. By the end, I was gripping to her clothes to preserve body heat and minimise the shiver, my fingers and toes soft and wrinkled and my cold clothes sapping what little heat I had.
She stripped us both and washed us in the freezing cold bath water, the skin on her limbs still red and splotchy from where it had been submerged in too-hot temperatures, and then she wrapped her arms suffocatingly around me in bed as she tiredly murmured herself into sleep.
I lay still, weighed to the bed by the heavy brick in my chest and the weary resignation of my situation clouding my mind. Occasionally sharp, toxic anxiety would splinter its way through my numb passivity and my heart rate would rapidly spiral, my breath would turn shaky and a prickly flush would crawl up my spine as my limbs shook with the purposeless adrenaline, but it would quickly burn itself out - leaving me to lie there once more in a dull fugue with sleep as ever out of my reach.
The waiting game was painful for the three days that it lasted. Even in the cold metal chest, the tension got to me and the sparks of anxiety became more frequent and more fierce, leaving me bent with my forehead to the bottom of the chest and my left fingers on my right wrist trying to keep my pulse low as I carefully breathed while my brain tormented with uncontrollable flickers of 'what if's.
When she was around, Shion was as scarily unstable as ever with a combination of both hope and dread colouring our interactions. She stared, though, when she was in the room. She never took her eyes off me as they seemed to simultaneously drink me in desperately and bore relentlessly into my skin.
Eventually, to my relief and dismay, a frantic and nervous Kuchisake arrived to bring me to Nagao's office with an answer to whatever may or may not be happening to me. She dressed me quickly, not quite in the same rush as last time but not far away and far more emotionally distressed.
Lifting me up, she dithered nervously at the door switching me to her other arm and opening the door in an awkward fashion. I stared at her hand on the door, my brain pinging once again and frown working its way onto my face.
Surely it wasn't so simple...
I was distracted during the walk to Nagao's office, trying to stem the rising anticipation in my chest and carefully suppressing the excited blood that wanted to rise to my cheeks. I carefully and meticulously ran through my memories of everyone I had ever seen opening the doors throughout the facility, and as the evidence mounted up I felt hope stick like blood and honey to the back of my throat.
Once more Kuchisake failed to knock as she made her way into Nagao's office, with both the leader of the facility and Hiroshi waiting for us. I maintained a blank expression, aware that positive emotions on my face right now would be jarringly out of place considering the awful atmosphere.
"Nagao-taichou?" Shion asked, her chest becomingly flushed as she lightly panted from nervousness, faint hope peeking through in her voice. Hiroshi's was almost as blank as mine, only a slight crease in his puzzled features giving away his inner turmoil.
"I received a missive today regarding the child and the orders have been given. Hiroshi, I have ten vials here for blood - if you would do so now then we can focus on completing preparations for Downsizing to commence tomorrow."
Shion seemed to crumple in on herself, even as she let me slip from her hands to stand on my own feet. Hiroshi was unable to look directly at me, and I could see dismay flash acutely across his features for a moment as he turned to a case by his feet and opened it to reveal all that he would need to take my blood.
I didn't know what this meant, but I knew it wasn't good.
Shion's breath hitched lightly and she sniffled pathetically behind me as I forced my feet toward Hiroshi. What the fucking goddamn hell was Downsizing and what did it have to do with my blood?
As my inner arm was swiped and the needle injected into my arm amidst a litter of puncture scars, Kuchisake begged behind me in an indiscrete whisper.
"Please, Nagao-taichou. Please, you have write back and-"
"Silence. We have our orders," he snapped coldly, his body radiating restrained violence from the corner of my eye and I found myself leaning toward Hiroshi in response.
The eyebrowless doctor's eyes flicked solemnly up at me, but quickly looked back down at my arm as he swapped vials.
"What's..." I trailed off, unwilling to ask what was going on in front of Nagao, but I looked meaningfully at Hiroshi.
He grimaced lightly, giving my arm a gentle squeeze, but said nothing.
When all ten vials of blood were filled, Hiroshi took a small pair of scissors and cut some of my hair off and my cheek was swabbed multiple times. I noticed during that time that Hiroshi's hand was shaking ever so slightly.
I felt overwhelmed and uncertain, but underlying it still was the triumphant certainty that, if I put a decent plan together and was careful about it, I had discovered a way out of the facility.
I eyed the biological samples while they were labelled and placed within a case, noting that my connection to the blood felt a lot stronger and clearer than I'd experienced before, then turned my gaze to the subtly displeased Nagao. He looked at me with something I thought might have been regret, or perhaps just disappointment.
A warning prickle ran up my spine as my emotions finally caught up to what my mind had known for a while now; I had to get out of here before something terrible happened. Whatever this Downsizing was, I didn't want to stick around and find out.
My mind shot to Scarred'n'Scowly and Little Heart Wrencher, and concern flooded me at their well-being during Downsizing, but I firmly turned my mind away from them telling myself that I couldn't overreach trying to look out for them when I barely had a plan to look out for myself.
"I want preparations accelerated so that we'll be ready by tomorrow afternoon," Nagao's voice pierced my thoughts, and I noticed that he hadn't looked at me since the final sample had been taken. I was used to being dismissed within a room, but the way he was doing so spoke of someone who didn't consider me a valid life - it made me realise that even at his most callous he'd never treated me like that.
"Yes Nagao-taichou," Hiroshi confirmed, both adults turning to leave after the dismissal.
Hiroshi opened the door for us both - right hand, I noticed. Like everyone had done regardless of how awkward it was to open the door with that hand. Almost all shinobi were trained to be ambidextrous, but Hiroshi was left handed and yet even when it was inconvenient to do so he used his right hand. There must be an implant or something along those lines within everyone's right hand which was used to unlock the doors they had access to.
Now all I needed was to make someone with access to them open the doors, or get hold of an implant myself. There were only three people I knew were certain to have full access to the front doors and gates; Nagao (yeah that was never going to happen), Shion and Hiroshi.
I felt myself lifted and as I was carried by a quietly juddering Kuchisake, Nagao raised his voice one last time.
"Oh and make sure she isn't placed with the rest of the children after Downsizing - after all there will still be a lot we can gain from her biology," there was a vein of complete calculated cruelty running under the seemingly casual statement, made all the more clear by Shion's full body flinch.
She froze, a sob silently heaving in her chest, and simply trembled. After a moment Hiroshi took pity and replied an affirmative for her, allowing Kuchisake to hurriedly leave without another word.
I was placed back in the chest by the distraught woman, the lid shut and locked, before I clearly heard her rush to the bathroom and shut the door behind her where she burst into agonised wails.
I cringed at noise and emotion behind it, my fingernails digging into the skin of my knees and anxiety thrumming unhelpfully in my chest while her cries continued on and if anything got worse. They were unsettling to listen to, her voice breaking and catching as she seemed to scream and cry her pain out. I shivered as goosebumps made their way across my body and hugged my legs close.
I turned my mind away from her suffering and focussed instead on the fact that I could still feel the connection to my blood, despite the distance. Control of it slipped through my fingers when I tried, but I was able to clearly sense it, as well as how far away it was from me. It felt like I'd left a small part of my consciousness back in Nagao's office and if I could just figure out how to make my awareness bridge the gap between myself and the blood then perhaps I could make it move... or at least do something better than nothing.
Every attempt I made failed, though, just as elusive and slippery as it had always been. I lost track of time as I fell deeper and deeper into my attempts to strengthen the connection I had to my blood, to the point that I was thoroughly caught off guard when the padlocks clanked as they were unlocked and the lid was abruptly lifted.
A shot of cold ran down my spine when I saw the manic expression on her face and the too-wide smile that was more of a baring of her teeth. Her chest heaved unevenly and tear tracks ran down her puffy and reddened face when she reached for me.
"Come here, Sweet thing. I want to try something," her voice sounded like it was scraped from a shedded throat as she lifted me roughly, and hurried over to the bed while I dangled in in her arms uncomfortably.
She climbed predatorily onto the bed after me, making me back up nervously until I was hemmed in against the headboard with her looming intimidatingly over me, never taking her disturbing gaze off me. She panted hotly against my face for a moment, her breath sour for the first time, before a trembling hand lifted off the bed and approached my face.
My head craned back in a futile attempt to avoid her, and she made soothing noises that managed to sound creepy instead.
"It's okay, Sweet thing. Don't you worry. I just need... I can't do iryo jutsu, but apparently that's not necessary..."
Wait. No. Not with her.
Her hand connected with my face and then everything was perfect.
I loved and was loved in turn. Unquestioning in our mutual acknowledgment our bond. This woman who had suffered and struggled and tried so hard the only way that she knew how. What an honour it was to be the most important thing in her life and to love her for the things she was willing to do for me. I saw her, past all of my doubts and fears and judgements and condemnations that faded away to reveal the humanity within her. The flawed humanity that made my heart swell, and the desire to share every moment of that feeling with her. Pure acceptance of her in every facet.
The feeling lingered, intense and wonderful, before floating gently down into contentment and peace.
I opened my eyes, tears running down my face and saw the beautiful woman in front of me looking broken open and vulnerable and so ecstatic that I couldn't bear to take my eyes off her wet face - for once not lined with insecurity, or fear, or calculated aesthetics that was so trodden into her features that they had become part of her face. She was radiant and there was nothing left in me to deny any longer that I loved her.
[Timing of such a realisation is disadvantageous considering potential actions needed in order to escape facility. Compartmentalise emotions immediately in order to analyse and accept when in a safe place away from facility]
(But I love her. She's hurting so much, she needs help. No one else will help her)
[This is an unacceptable liability]
(I can't help it)
Her dark lashes fluttered, and then opened her off-white eyes with such unadulterated adoration in them that I could help but blush.
"Come here, my perfect child," she gently scooped me forward and held me against her. I felt completely safe in her arms for the first time and couldn't help but melt into the hug.
She kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back gently, while whispering about how much she loved me and how thankful she was that I had come into her life. My face stretched weirdly and I realised after a moment that I was smiling, ever so slightly, in contentment.
[This isn't good. You need to emotionally detach yourself from this situation right now.]
It felt so good to feel safe and loved and held, just for a moment. Just for a little while.
I fell asleep like that, for the first time in days, warm and untroubled and held comfortably tight in Shion's arms.
My eyes snapped opened as my instincts screamed that something was terribly wrong, while my emotions insisted that for once things were just right.
Immediately I sniffed the air and strained my ears. There was a faint, weird smell in the air that I couldn't quite recognise, and I could tell that Kuchisake had been gone for hours.
She was my best ticket out of here, but after last night I doubted she was just going to let herself be manipulated into letting me go outside. I'd have to make her.
(Could I really hurt her? Could I really hurt someone I love?)
(Of course I can because I know what pieces of shit they are)
(Can I hurt her, though? When everyone she's ever loved has already done so?)
(...fuck)
[It doesn't matter what you have to do. Get out of this facility before it's too late. Do not forget the priorities.]
My breath stuttered as I sat up, and I made myself mutter aloud, "Functional physical body and mental faculties. Return to Tou-san. Personal pride and non-rigid moral boundaries." Even as I said this I realised with a shocked jolt that I could still feel the blood that was removed from me yesterday, just as strongly as I had the moment it was taken from me.
The sensation reminded me all over again why it had been taken in the first place, and just why my instincts were screaming at me that I was in danger.
Right - today was Downsizing day. And I still didn't know what that meant, just that it wasn't anything good for me.
I had to get out of here. Fast.
But that was a little difficult to achieve when I was locked in the room alone. Until Kuchisake came back I could do nothing but impotently wait. What was I going to do when she came back, anyway?
I kicked myself for falling asleep last night when she was vulnerable and wore her hairpins into the room. I'd just have to get close enough to her when she came back so I could get them out of her hair and force her to take me outside. I didn't have to hurt her to do it... in fact now that I thought about it, she would probably respond better to me threatening to hurt myself. As long as I maintained a large enough distance between us that she wasn't confident of her ability to reach me before I could cause myself harm, things could work.
[One hairpin pointed at her and one underneath the chin should suffice. A minor piercing of the skin with some blood should provide proof of willingness for self harm and be visually shocking enough that the risk of not following instructions seems too great]
An image of her frantically worried and scared face, mixed with betrayal, flashed through my mind and I swallowed against the guilt.
(I'll never see her again if I do this)
"Good," I muttered viciously, but the word had something hollow to it.
The more I thought on the realities of my plan, the more uncertain I felt. Losing me was guaranteed to send her off the deep end. This was going to really damage her already damaged mind.
"I can do this," I whispered, but even to myself I sounded weak. I shut my eyes tight and shook my head in denial against my own lack of conviction, "I can do this," I forcefully told myself, "I can do this. Fuck..." I screwed my palms viciously against my eye sockets until I saw starbursts, "Fuck. I have to do this."
(I don't want to)
I shook my head again, and dug my fingernails roughly down the skin on my shoulders, trying to clear my mind, "This is what she's done to you," I growled. Irritation began to burble low in my belly.
I clawed at my collarbone, "She's taken every freedom she possibly could. Just taken it and expected a thank you. Now she's in your head. After everything I did to keep her out for as long as I fucking could and she just forced her stupid emotions onto me. She didn't even ask. She never fucking asks!"
(But she loves me, and she's ill. She's very ill - it's not her fault. I'm going to abandon her. I'm her reason for living. She could be killed for losing me. She could die suffering and alone and wondering why I left her)
Chills ran up my arms at the mental image, and curled up into a ball as I whispered miserably, "Or I could stay here and never see Tou-san again. He could die suffering and alone and wondering what happened to me, blaming himself."
(So I love them both)
"They're not comparable," I snarled lowly, "she's hurt me to serve her own desires, she serves me up to one psycho after another. Tou-san's... Tou-san's-"
(Loyal. They love me, but only Hatake Kakashi gives me his loyalty)
[Loyalty is a more valuable and desirable trait than love]
"That's true," I squeezed my hands tight against my stomach and bowed my head until it lay against my knees.
[If you must threaten Kuchisake in order to leave, the pain is worth it]
"For Tou-san, if nothing else," I murmured.
For hours I sat on the bed with nothing but the connection to my blood, the weird smell in the air that got slowly stronger, and my own waxing and waning conviction to do what must be done so that I could leave.
When I heard the door open my head shot up and my heart thrummed in my throat. Shion walked in, practically vibrating with excitement and tension and nervousness and a million other emotions that flitted across her face too quickly for me to tell, bringing with her a waft of that weird smell.
My eyes shot to her hair and my stomach sank. She didn't have her hair pins in.
"Come on, gorgeous boy," She called, her voice rough and strained in her excitement. Behind her, holding her hand, came a face I hadn't seen in weeks. Scarred'n'Scowly's dark green eyes, bald head and grumpy expression came into view, his gaze shooting warily around until they met mine.
Something relieved and worried shone in his eyes for a moment, before his face blanked in a show of concerning control for a child his age.
The door shut behind them, a heavy silence filling the room for uncomfortable seconds as Kuchisake radiated mounting anticipation. Her grin stretched wide enough that it couldn't have been a nice feeling on the scars spreading from her lips.
Scarred'n'Scowly stared at the floor, his body rigid, Shion stared possessively at me, practically licking her fucking lips, and I shot my eyes between the two as my mind desperately tried to think of a plan B. What the fuck could I do when there was a child that could be used as collateral?
"I thought I'd bring someone to see you who's been missing you a lot, Sweet thing. Isn't that nice? Say hello, both of you," her tone was sugar sweet and I didn't trust it one bit.
"Hi," I croaked nervously. His attention flicked up to me and back to the floor with a mild grunt.
Her hand released his and came to rest on the back of his bald head, nudging him toward me.
"Due to Downsizing, Sona, you won't be seeing any of your friends anymore, I'm afraid. And since I got a few hours uninterrupted from Nagao-taichou," Shion twitched and her face spasmed. "I thought we could all spend it together having some fun and giving a special goodbye," she finished with a disturbing amount of relish, and both of us looked at her with uncertainty.
She raised a somewhat impatient brow at Scarred'n'Scowly, "Well, get on the bed."
Scarred'n'Scowly avoided looking at me, but he stiffly approached the bed and climbed on. I sat, frozen in denial.
(This isn't what it looks like. I'm being paranoid. She wouldn't, not after yesterday)
I looked imploringly at Shion, though if she saw the pleading denials in my eyes she ignored them.
[Pay attention. Look at what's different here]
As Shion moved eagerly toward us, I realised there was something on her leg that I hadn't seen since I arrived in the facility; a weapons pouch.
(Maybe it's a trick. Maybe there aren't any weapons in there)
[Unlikely that she has the mental capabilities of pulling such a trick in her state - her hair isn't brushed, no make up, she's been crying recently from the state of her eyes. There's a small amount of blood around her nails and signs of a fight from the marks on her arms. Good chance of her forgetting to take her pouch off in her hurry for this]
The time it would take for me to open her pouch and pull out a weapon would be too long, though. I had to get right up close and have her distracted for it to have a chance of working.
She crawled onto the bed in a manner reminiscent of the night before, and sat closer to the pillows while Scarred'n'Scowly and I sat nearer to the end of the bed. For a moment her eyes switched back and forth between us with a kind of avid pleasure that felt sticky.
"Get undressed, Sweet thing," she leaned forward, and my heart dropped. I had no right to feel betrayed by this... but I did. Betrayed and disappointed and, when I saw a complete lack of surprise in Scarred'n'Scowly's face at the command, I felt sick.
I was still for a beat too long, clearly, because her hands shot out impatiently, "Here, let me."
I closed my eyes and let my mind drift backward as my clothes were ungracefully removed from me until I was naked.
"You too," I heard her order Scarred'n'Scowly, "Strip."
My skin broke out in goosebumps and I heard clothes being removed item by item.
"We're playing a game where you both do as I say, and I watch to see who follows my instructions the best."
[Do something]
(I feel weird and floaty)
[If you don't take action, you're going to exacerbate preexisting trauma. Do not forget that there is only one child in this room. Your physical functions are operational. You hold responsibility for what happens next]
(If I do something, it will upset her and I might never escape)
[Priority one is about to be broken; if you do as she says your mental well-being will never recover]
(Might as well kill myself if I don't stop this)
I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't let this happen.
(She's stronger than me)
[She's weak where it counts. Cry]
I allowed my body to express all the horror and anger and sadness and grief that my mind didn't seem capable of. Tears rapidly welled up, I screwed my face up, forced blood up to the surface until I knew my cheeks were lobster red, and wailed.
Harsh sobs wracked my body and my breath choked and stuttered in my lungs as I bawled messily.
"Oh, oh dear. Come here, Sweet thing. I've got you," as always moved by my tears, Shion pulled my naked body in for a tight hug with one hand clutching my head into the curve of her neck and the other rubbing my back, "Everything is alright, beautiful baby. We're going a little fast, huh? Were you a bit overwhelmed? Shh shh."
I sat on her lap and cried and cried, desperately trying to put this off for as long as possible until I figured out a way to stop it all together.
[She won't stop. You know what you have to do]
(Am I really going to do this?)
(What other choice is there that I can live with?)
[Breathe]
I took a deep, shuddering breath, still making distraught noises even as I looked blankly at the wall behind Shion. I shifted, as though to get comfortable, and my foot slipped against the weapons pouch tied to her leg.
With some more subtle fidgeting I held my foot against the opening to her weapons pouch. Thank Kami for my freakishly long finger toes, I thought in false amusement.
A bit of barely there fidgeting and I had the pouch open, even as I sobbed harder in order to distract Kuchisake from my movements.
Loving, soothing words were whispered in my ear as my right foot dipped into the weapons pouch carefully, big toe running lightly over metal until it landed on a familiar ring.
My heartbeat thumped slowly but painfully loud in my head, my toes hooked around either side of the base of the ring and a slow fidget that allowed me to wrap my legs around her waist in order to clutch even closer to her dragged the kunai out the pouch, past Kuchisake's hip and lay close to her back.
My left hand slid round to lie underneath her hairline at the back of her neck, fingers resting against the skin. My right hand reach down at the same time as my right leg lifted up, freeing the kunai from my toes.
The fingers of my left hand lightly and slowly danced on her neck as I counted, and my right hand lifted to aim the kunai.
[7, 6, 5, 4. Cervical vertebrae 4 or under most likely to cause full body paralysis when damaged in order to prevent harmful retaliation during death throes]
(Am I really going to do this?)
[Don't debate. Just do]
I leaned back, looking into pale eyes of the Kuchisake Shion, Ame-Onna, and considered my last words to her.
Her adoring, loving and sympathetic stare faced back at me and I almost said 'I love you'.
Her lips stretched to make her smile too intense and her hold was too restricting as she looked at my naked body with hunger and I almost said 'I hate you'.
[Breathe. Don't give a sign of your intentions]
I channeled a small amount of chakra for speed and strength, and pulled my hand forward.
In the end I said nothing.
I really tried to portray how difficult a choice it is for Sonaru to make that jump in leaving, and how far at this point she actually has to be pushed to be willing to take action. It's all well and good telling yourself in your head one thing, but it can be another thing entirely to put thought into action, and although Sonaru has known that she needs to get out and that what is happening to/around her isn't right it is still very difficult to do something about it when the situation is becoming more and more normalised by prolonged exposure.
When in a situation like that, finding a correct balance of desensitisation so that you're not consistently so traumatised and thus have a better chance at survival, but not so far that eventually you normalise what is happening and then risk continuing the cycle of such behaviour by feeding into it, becoming complacent, or replicating it yourself.
It's not easy at all, because you have to acknowledge and maintain the validity of your trauma, your pain and fear - which in itself is monumental task while still in the situation causing such feelings - while at the same time not letting it overwhelm you and pushing it to the back burner so that you can focus on creating solutions to change the situation or escape it, allowing you to concentrate on healing at a later date.
Anyways, enough of a rant from me. Let me know how this chapter impacted you!
Did you feel Kuchisake was given a fitting end or did she deserve better/worse?
How do you imagine this will play out next?
What do you think about how Sonaru is coping with this all and her subsequent actions?
For anyone who feels this triggers their own trauma and needs to talk to someone:
UK
Samaritans number (24/7): 116123 -from any phone
Or 0330 094 5717 -local charges apply
Alternatively you can go to: h ttps:/ /www. nhs. uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ and find whichever helpline you feel most covers your needs. Obviously take out the spaces between the h and t, the two /, and after the two dots.
USA
NAMI number (Monday - Friday 10am - 6pm est): 18009506264
Or NMIH number (Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5pm est): (866) 615-6464
My readers are mainly from the US or UK, so I've included those - if you have a better number or just another one you think I should add, pm me or let me know in your review.
Also if you believe I should include a number from another country, let me know which country, organisation and what the number is and I'll add it.