Okay so this update is on the longer side, but I had a lot to say and a lot of trouble finding a cutoff point. And basically just funneled a lot of pent up emotion about C/B into the latter half of the chapter. Kind of a necessity for the shipper in me, take as you will. Thanks so much Bookworm, indigo and whoever my lovely guest was for the reviewage. Much appreciated. More to come soon. :)
Sitting on the back porch, Dana was trying her best to distract Farrah with a deck of cards.
"You have any fives?"
"Fish!", the girl giggled, but not long after her face went solemn again.
"What's wrong? You're kicking my as...butt, right now."
"I worried about Carrie."
"Yeah?"
"She say she has to go away and spy."
"Well you know she'll come back. And you've got a lot of other people to take care of you while she's gone."
"She say because of her plan, Nick come back."
"Are you okay with that?"
"I like Nick, but.."
"What?"
"He leaves, and Carrie gets sad."
"Well, I think what Carrie's doing is to make sure my dad sticks around. She's like, protecting him."
"Yes?", Farrah asked getting a nod.
"What's with that look?", Dana asked, seeing the contemplative expression on the girl's face.
"Carrie say, she protect someone else too."
"Oh yeah?", Dana frowned. Not sure what to make of that one.
"I ask, who. And she say it surprise."
"Well, surprises can be fun I guess."
"I still scared.", Farrah said tearfully, wrapping her arms around herself as Dana moved closer.
"Yeah, I know what that's like. When my dad left for Iraq I was scared too. But he came back. Carrie will too."
"It take a long time?"
"It took my dad awhile to come back but with Carrie I don't think she'll be gone that long. Maybe she can even call you."
"Even though she at work, being spy?"
"Yeah. I think she'll miss you a lot."
"I miss her lots."
"Well my dad's gonna miss her too. You can miss her together."
"You stay with us? Miss her with us too?", Farrah asked eagerly.
"I actually have to go home. I have a brother and a little sister I need to see."
"Ah."
"But I'll visit a lot."
"You visit me, and Nick."
"Yeah."
"And you sure he stay?"
Getting a nod, Farrah grinned as Dana held out her pinky.
"You pink swear too!"
"Yeah, only way to make a promise, right?"
Nodding, after they twined pinkies Farrah got up, grabbed the notepad and pens they had grabbed out of the living room.
"You drawing a picture for Carrie?", Dana asked.
"Yes. She take it on spy trip. You help?"
"Sure. I don't think my drawing skills are as good as yours though."
"I teach Carrie, I teach you too!"
"Wait, I thought Carrie was your teacher.", Dana teased.
"She was, yes."
When Farrah started talking about their lessons in Iraq, started slipping into Arabic in the process, Dana nodded and smiled and chimed in with a few words Brody had told her and that she'd learned in one of her classes at school. Farrah giggled though at her mispronunciation.
"Hey, cut it out. Maybe Arabic is something else you'll have to teach me."
"Not now. Now we draw.", the girl said stubbornly, studying the drawing briefly before turning back to Dana, smiling.
"Nick is right. You are nice."
"Thanks. He says you're nice too. I know he cares about you a lot.", Dana said truthfully as Farrah's face fell.
"I not want him to leave again."
"Well, do you want to pink swear again, just to be on the safe side?"
Nodding eagerly, Farrah nodded, twined their fingers again.
"He won't leave. I'm positive."
...
"Carrie, look I'm not leaving until you open the fucking door. I... I have your sweatshirt. You want it back?"
Not getting an answer, Brody fought the urge to kick the damn thing in. Reaching for the knob one more time, he felt it turn under his hands and breathed a sigh of relief. Looked at her as the door swung open and she shrugged, reached for the hoodie.
"Thanks.", she said, giving him a sheepish smile as she slipped it on. His face though remained stern.
"I'd cram it in my suitcase it but I just got the thing closed and I'm only allowed one personal carry-on. I swear, the psych ward's worse than fucking airport security.", she snorted, but seeing the look on his face, crossed her arms and went solemn.
"For Christ's sake, Carrie."
"You know, you're still supposed to be resting, recuperating! Not running around ripping your fucking stitches open.", she scolded.
"How did you even get discharged?"
"Hey I'm sorry, but you lost any right to interrogate me when you got yourself arrested on live TV."
"I was just escorted by the officers, Brody. Christ, I wasn't even cuffed on camera."
Shaking his head, stunned, Brody plopped down on the foot of the bed, rested his arms over his knees as he stared at his shoes.
"What were you thinking, Carrie? Why did you do this, I-"
"Why the fuck do you think? You're a free man now, Brody!"
"And all it would've taken was you coming forward with the evidence on Farrah's father to prove that. But three days ago at that conference you offered yourself up as some kind of fucking sacrifice!"
"No, I didn't! Jesus. Look don't make me out to be some fucking martyr with a messiah complex, alright?. What I've done isn't all on account of you, Brody. My motivations, my methodology.."
"Don't tell me there's a method to your fucking madness!", Brody spat as she snorted, shrugged.
"Of course not! That's a shit cliche."
Exasperated, Brody lightly laughed to keep from crying.
"What was all this on account of then, Carrie? For Christ's sake. You just gave up your entire career, a chance to be deputy director to what, do an unneeded stint in a rubber room?"
"Unneeded? Do you honestly think I signed up for this on purpose?! That this was all my decision, my doing?"
"Hey, I wasn't the one who told you to spill state secrets in the middle of a fucking press conference! How did you even set something like that up?"
"Quinn and I..."
"Quinn? Oh, great.", he snapped.
"Are you jealous?", Carrie asked, arching a brow.
"At your meeting repeatedly with a guy who stabs hands for fun?", Brody scoffed. "Has a hand in landing you in lockup for who the fuck knows how long.", he muttered under his breath as Carrie's smirk turned to a scowl.
"Quinn didn't have a hand in any of it! He just assisted, did as asked. He's been a friend."
"Yeah, that kiss was real friendly."
"So you are jealous."
"For Christ's sake, Carrie."
"Peter Quinn is just a friend, Brody."
"Well with friends like that who needs..."
"Hey, at least he didn't drive me to the edge of my own sanity and not give a shit about leaving me there!" Carrie snarled as Brody swore, bowed his head in shame.
"So that's what this is all about, isn't it. You're still angry. And who the fuck am I to blame you. I just wish you'd have punished me instead of yourself.", he sighed before it occurred to him he was being punished just as much because of this.
"Then again, being forced into watching this all play out, Jesus. Maybe that is the right way to go about it.", he weakly laughed, eyes welling up as she sat beside him on the bed.
"Brody, no. None of this...that's not why I'm doing this, you have to know! I.. I fucking forgave you! None of this is revenge or retaliatory based, you have to believe that!"
"Then what is it based on, you wanting to help? You made me out to be some wronged victim of circumstance and you out to be a raving psychotic!"
"And who is the press paying attention to? Who does the public want to see punished and who's getting their sympathy? Who's easier for them to swallow as some cocksucking criminal, the former soldier or the bipolar spy?!" Carrie asked.
"I had valid reasons for all of this, Brody."
"It's all to earn us what, a shot at a future? If that's true how the fuck does your getting locked up accomplish it? What good does it do either of us?"
"Maybe it's about more than us...", she said softly but he didn't seem to hear her.
"What about your family? What about Farrah?! You know what all this is going to do to her? Her seeing that conference is the equivalent of Dana seeing my fucking suicide tape!"
Waiting until he'd calmed enough to hear her, Carrie spoke.
"After I was released to Maggie two days ago, she and I sat down with Farrah and I told her a tailored version of the truth."
"What does that even mean?"
"I told her that I was going on an assignment. That my speech was all a structured set up. That I knew the officers escorting me on the tape and they were just pretending. That it was all part of a plan. A plan that I put together so I could protect people. People both her and I believe in who would benefit."
"People like me.", Brody said bitterly as she reached for, squeezed his hand.
"Not just you, your family."
"My family? Are you saying I should... Christ, is this the part where now that my name's cleared I get out of politics?"
"You're not a politician! Not presently.", she frowned as he rolled his eyes.
"You know what I mean. When you were trying to get me immunity, what were your words exactly? Afterwards I move to the town of my choice? Somewhere far far away...?"
"No! It isn't! This is the part where you stay put! For Farrah.", she said solemnly as his face fell.
"She adores you, Brody. Believe me there aren't many others out there I'd consider, but she cares for you. I..I need you to take care of her. She needs you to-"
"Take care of... Jesus, Carrie!" Caught off guard Brody ran a hand through his hair, stood up.
"Look you know how much I care about Farrah. You know I'd take a fucking bullet for her! But-"
"But what? Not long ago you told me you'd be content being a fucking cabin boy for us! What's changed?"
"Nothing! Nothing's changed.", he sighed. Shaking his head wearily he sat back down on the bed.
"It's just, look. When Farrah wakes up after a nightmare. And she's upset and wants someone to sing her to sleep or read her another bedtime story, who's the only person who she wants to see? When she's finished with a drawing who ends up with it on their refrigerator?
It isn't me, Carrie. I've come to love that girl downstairs like she's my own, but she doesn't want me when she's scared or happy or just wants to, babble. She wants the only person out there she sees as her parent. The woman she trusts enough to and feels right calling Mom. Even if it is by accident.", Brody reminded as Carrie looked down and away from him, wiped her eyes.
Feeling horrible for making her cry but hoping like hell he was getting through to her, he reached over, held her face in his palm. On instinct Carrie's free hand went to cover the back of his as she sighed, blinked back tears.
"Carrie, the only person Farrah's going to want caring for her is you. Now I'll do whatever I have to, I'll look after her, you know I will. But you can't just swap you out for me and expect everything to work out like magic. You can't put that on me, it's a fantasy!"
"Well it needs to fast become a reality.", she spat, moving his hand off her face.
"For Christ's sake, my follow up in court is first thing tomorrow."
"That was fast."
"Yeah well, Senator Andrew Lockhart must have the presiding judge on his payroll."
"You're saying he's railroading you into-"
"I'm sure. Almost certain. He's chomping at the bit to fill Saul's and my shoes at the Agency. Fuck, he's already approached Danny with his offer to take the 'overwhelming burden and stress' off his shoulders."
"You saying Galvez is next in line to-"
"Unless Lockhart gets his way, yes. But Danny stepped up after 12/12. Brought in a lot of new agents, brought them up. Became the new me, basically. Only not blonde and bipolar.", Carrie shuddered as Brody shook his head, twined their fingers and shifted closer to her.
"Well regardless how Lockhart or any of those fuckers with cameras see you, all Farrah sees you as is her mom, Carrie. I'm not enough for her, and if she were here she'd tell you that herself. You're all she needs."
Brody said knowingly as Carrie unlaced their hands, stood up looking agitated.
"No, all she needs in this life is someone stable. Sane, someone who can keep her secure, keep her safe."
"What are you talking about? You're all of those-"
"Brody, c'mon. You're not blind or brand new to my behaving like this. Jesus, I've been off my meds for nearly a month. I'm so past stable that I couldn't see stable if I turned around, tried to find it through a fucking telescope."
When his mouth formed a thin line and his eyes iced over she bowed her head, bit her lip til she tasted blood.
"It was needed. I did what was necessary."
"Why? So you could look as crazy at that conference as you must've sounded defending me!", he snapped as her eyes narrowed. Now it was his turn to feel ashamed.
"Motherfucking...I'm sorry, I just.."
"No, it's alright. You've got good reason to be disapproving, dismayed."
"Dana said as much that you weren't, but, shit. I guess I didn't believe it. I should've known though as soon as I you opened the door that you weren't-"
"Sometimes it's not quite so obvious."
After an awkward beat or two Brody spoke again. Only one thought in his head.
"Why, Carrie?"
"It's complicated."
"No, it isn't. It's not. Just tell me why you went off your meds, agreed to any of this, the conference, the arrest. Were you blackmailed? Did that fucker Lockhart get to you? Is Farrah's brother pulling something? What, he threatened you into looking unstable so he can get custody of her?"
"No! No, it's nothing like that."
"Then what is it! Damn it, what the fuck out there could possibly have this much of a hold on you that you'd sacrifice your entire career, time with your child-"
"Another child! Your child!"
"What? Wait, don't tell me that Dana-"
"Jesus Christ, Brody, no! Not Dana. I'm sorry but I'm not nearly as swayed by her as you are!", Carrie snorted, crossing her arms and turning away as he frowned incredulously. Then it finally dawned on him.
"Wait, you..you're..."
Slowly standing up he moved closer to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, turned her gently towards him.
"The pregnancy is just one piece of the puzzle though. There's a plethora really of pieces. But it's all part of the bigger picture, the plan, I...
Rubbing her shoulders that were starting to shake, when her voice cracked and he heard her swear, Brody pulled her close, started rubbing her back.
"Shhh, It's alright love, just breathe.", he soothed as she did so, albeit raggedly. Hid her face in his chest.
"Shhh.."
Kissing the top of her head Brody held her tightly, not wanting to let go but eventually willing himself to.
Reluctantly pulling back he reached into his back pocket, pulled out his phone and sat back on the bed.
"Brody, what...who are you calling?", Carrie asked, wiping her eyes as he misdialed the number, swore.
"Brody!"
"I'm going to find us a fucking lawyer."
"What? What for!"
"We're going to go to court. You'll take back your plea, confession, whatever. We'll sort things out with the judge, make this go away. They can put me away if they have to! I don't care if the proceedings drag on for the next six months, Carrie. I just know you're not going to get locked up, not on account of this."
"Brody everything's already been set up, it's settled!"
"And what, I don't have a say?" Rolling his eyes he went to dial, right as Carrie strode over, made a move to snatch the phone from him. Brody saw her out of the corner of his eye and lightning quick switched the phone to his other hand, turned away from her.
"What the-"
"I've got Grade A reflexes." he shrugged as she let out a snort, then after a moment climbed up onto the bed, tried to sneak up behind him for the phone. He spotted her and dodged her again.
"Jesus, will you cut that out? I fuck up dialing this number again and they'll start tracing my phone."
"They will? Who will? The netherworld known as the NSA?", Carrie scoffed.
"Take it from me, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Nothing, huh?"
"Nearly nothing.", she snorted, pinning his free arm behind his back and holding it in place.
"Ow! Hey!"
Rolling her eyes she shifted, maneuvered so she was straddling him. Then with her free hand she shoved him until his back hit the mattress.
When she laughed, went to grab the phone from him he smirked, used his legs and weight to swap positions. Get her beneath him.
Laughing, panting slightly, he grinned and went to dial the phone he'd managed to hang onto, only to go serious, catching the watery, weary look in her eyes.
"Brody please, calling anyone now would just be counter intuitive, cause more fucking controversy. I can't.."
"Okay..okay I won't, I..I won't.", he assured. Kissing her to seal his words he rolled off and to the side of her, stroked her hair.
Seeing what he was still holding she arched a brow.
"Cell phone down, sergeant."
Rolling his eyes, swearing under his breath Brody tossed the phone to the foot of the bed. Then stretching out alongside Carrie, reached to rest his hand on her still flat stomach.
"So how far along are..."
"Just a few weeks.", she said softly.
"And you're one hundred percent sure that you want to go ahead, have the-"
Jerkily she nodded but then looked away, prompting him to reach for her face, thumb a tear off her cheek as he sighed.
"Then you have to make me feel one hundred percent sure about tomorrow, what you're doing. Or so fucking help me they'll have to put me in the padded cell next to you."