Chapter 9

"I truly am at peace, due in no small part to you."

The justicar's words made Anya's chest ache. Killing Morinth had been hard. She had felt an echo of camaraderie with the asari, likely in part because she knew what it was like to deal with the emotions that came with being a burdensome daughter.

(It's not the same. She hurt people for the rush.)

She swallowed hard as she left, heading towards the elevator. Her omni-tool beeped as the door closed, and she took a moment to collect herself before she checked the message. It was Garrus.

How are you holding up?

She crossed the distance between the elevator and her room, trying to figure out how to respond.

I'm...okay. May have dredged up some shit. I'll be fine.

She sent the message reluctantly. Lying to him was out of the question, as was ignoring him. The honest answer would probably have him hurrying to her room, though, and she wasn't sure she was up for that.

Do you want to talk about it? I'm happy to come up.

She smiled a little at his response. He was playing it carefully. She dropped into the chair in front of her desk unceremoniously and sighed before she started typing.

I don't know. I don't think talking about it will help.

She needed to get her head straight before she was in a room with him. If he said her name she'd probably come undone.

Do you want me to come anyway?

She faintly heard the hum of the elevator and smiled. She'd be willing to bet her last credit that that was him. She stood and opened the door to see him, arms laden with bottles and glasses, looking startled as he stepped out.

"What would you have done if I said I didn't want company?" she asked, leaning on the doorframe. She could feel the corner of her mouth, still tugged upward.

"I would have gone back. I just...felt like you weren't going to send me away." His voice sounded uncertain.

"You aren't wrong. C'mon." She jerked her head and stepped back, into her room. He followed her through the door, down to the couch. She sat down in her spot, and he sat down in his. She didn't say anything as he placed the glasses down and poured both of them drinks. When he offered her the wine, she murmured, "Thank you."

She took the glass and looked down at it.

"You're welcome. So, what are we thinking about after that one?"

"I guess I just...feel bad that it had to come to that. I know Morinth was bad, but seeing her as daughter that her mother couldn't deal with… I don't know. Afterwards, Samara was talking about being broken but free, and I guess...there's a part of me that wonders if that's how my parents felt."

"Anya…"

She felt a lump start forming in her throat. "It's fine. I know that asking myself that doesn't do any good, and that I need to stop being so…"

She stopped, placing the glass down and squeezing her eyes shut. She made herself take a breath. Her eyes flew open when she felt him wrap an arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into the contact after a beat. She felt rather than heard the reverberations in his torso, and she wondered at the feeling the subharmonic was meant to convey.

"If your parents had any idea of what an amazing woman you would become, they never would have let you out of their sight."

"You don't know that," she whispered, feeling her eyes sting.

"I know that Samara took a long time to give up on her daughter. If Morinth hadn't started killing people, things would have been different. Just because she ruined her life doesn't mean you managed to do the same thing to your parents when you were young. How old were you?"

"Four, I think. It's one of those memories that are far back enough that I'm not entirely sure if I remember it or if I remember being told a lot of times," she admitted.

"Who would tell you that so often that it would be etched into your memory?" Garrus seemed bewildered.

"The nuns. Telling me how much I cried on the first night was supposed to make me grateful that someone was willing to take me in, I think."

"Spirits, Shep…" He pulled back to look at her, concern in his features.

She shook her head. "I'm not worried about that right now. They had no business raising children, that's on them."

She settled back under his arm comfortably. He didn't speak for a moment, but she knew he was about to when his hand tightened on her shoulder.

"Kind of reminds me of what you said when we caught Dr. Saleon. About how you can't control other people, but you can control how you react."

She snorted. "You actually were listening."

He chuckled. "Believe it or not, I was. My point, though, is that...the same thing applies to your parents. You can't control their actions. You responded to something awful by becoming one of the biggest heroes in the galaxy. They would be proud if they knew. You wouldn't have been some awful baggage for them to haul around, you would have been-"

"Point taken," she interrupted gently, placing a hand on his chest. He gently placed a talon on her hand and fell quiet. She glanced up, and found herself wondering at his pensive look. "What are we thinking about now?"

"Nothing that won't keep."

"Uh-uh, not cutting it, big guy. I don't get to hide, and neither do you."

"It's not really relevant."

"I'm not worried about it."

"I just...is it weird that we've been this comfortable with each other for so long? I mean...I don't know. It's not that important."

"It's fine. Look, I don't know if this is weird, but it's nice, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

"Then let's not second guess it. You're my best friend, and I find you attractive. We're on the same page on that front, so where's the problem?"

He made a small noise. "Point taken. What changed, though?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I know how long I've found you attractive. When did you start seeing me that way?"

"It was... I don't know. It happened kind of gradually. I noticed something was up when I saw you checking on my armor. It took me a while after that to put it together, but…" She shrugged. "When did you start looking at me that way?"

"I... it's been a while."

"How much of a while?"

"The first Normandy," he admitted. "I even tried to flirt with you."

"Really? When did that happen?"

"After Dr. Saleon was killed, the next day, after I started to recover from the hangover, you came by to check on me. If you could have heard my subharmonics when I was telling you to let me know if you ever needed anything, it would have made you blush."

"I can't hear them, though," she laughed.

"I realized that after the fact. By the time I'd connected the dots, it was the night before Ilos,and you were...otherwise preoccupied."

"Oh, Garrus…" She pulled back, apology ready to fall from her lips, but she hesitated when she saw him smiling a little.

"It's fine, Shepard. You didn't do anything wrong, and my feelings aren't hurt over your past."

"I-are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm very sure. You didn't wrong me, you just aren't a mind reader. I'm not upset."

"Okay." She settled back into her spot, head resting on his shoulder. A small smile played across her lips when he carefully laid his head on hers. They sat like that for a few minutes before they finally parted.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Better," she admitted. "I'm glad you came by."

He seemed pleased. "I'm glad I was able to help."

"Me, too." She leaned over and lightly brushed her lips against his cheek, just above his mandible. He seemed surprised. "What?"

"I wasn't really expecting...I've never been kissed before. It's not bad," he was quick to reassure her.

"Right, the lips thing. What do you do instead?"

"Ah, hmm. The closest we have is…" His voice trailed off as he leaned in, lightly touching his forehead to hers. He tentatively brought a hand up and she felt her eyes close when he gently brushed his talon along her jaw before trailing down the side of her neck, causing her to shiver. He cleared his throat and pulled back. "Sorry, I may have gotten a bit...carried away."

"You're welcome to get carried away again," she retorted, feeling her cheeks heat.

"Another time, maybe. I don't...tonight may not be the best idea."

"And why is that?"

"I'm just worried that you might be a little vulnerable right now. I want this, spirits, I do, but... I would feel like I was taking advantage. Do I sound crazy?"

"No," she sighed. "Soon, though, maybe?"

"We'll get there when we get there," he teased gently, resting a hand on hers.

She took a breath, then smiled. "You're right. Just don't forget about me while you're off doing calibrations."

"I should go. If it's any consolation, the last two years have taught me that I could never forget you." With that, he gave her hand a squeeze and rose to leave. Anya speechlessly watched him go, her heart hammering in her ears.