Chapter 22

Anya wiped at her eyes when she heard the sounds of the elevator arriving outside her door. She beelined for the bathroom before her bedroom door could open. She snagged a clean washcloth and quickly cleaned the worst of the tears from her face, wishing that she could do something about the redness around her eyes. She felt her stomach sink when she heard a soft knock, followed by Garrus speaking softly.

"Anya? Is it okay if I come in?"

She took a moment to steel herself before she answered, "Yeah. It's fine."

The door opened quietly behind her, and she kept her eyes trained on her reflection.

"Hey, sweetie," he said, moving up behind her slowly, carefully placing a hand on each of her hips. She had to repress another sob at the gentle touch. "You want to talk about what happened?"

"No," she whispered, more tears leaking out. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and it was all she could do to keep from breaking down. "This is bad, Garrus."

"I know." The words were pained.

"I'm sorry." The words tried to catch in her throat, but she forced them out.

"Don't be. You came back to me. That's all I care about."

"I killed three hundred and four thousand, nine hundred forty-two people. Why are you being nice to me?"

"I...I just...care about you, and I know you. If there had been any other way, you would have done it, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would."

"Even though they're batarians?"

"They're just people, Garrus. Sure, I hate the terrorists and the slavers, but fucking hell, these were just...colonists. These were normal people that still answered to the Hegemony and I...I…" A sob finally escaped her, and his hold on her tightened.

"They would all be dead anyway even if you hadn't been on that rock, Anya, and the Reapers would be halfway to who knows which other inhabited worlds. You did the right thing."

"I failed. The only person that made it out of that system was me." These words were laced with venom, though she wasn't sure if her anger was targeted more at the Reapers or herself.

"Did you try to warn them? The colonists?"

"I did," she admitted, her rage crumbling as quickly as it had arisen. "It didn't matter. Kenson cut me off before I could manage it."

"Then what else could you have done, Anya? How much more do you have to do and give to the galaxy before you think it's okay to be kind to yourself for two seconds?" Garrus asked softly, his words almost a plea. "I know that this has got to be hard for you, but I wish you wouldn't treat yourself this way on top of everything else. You try so hard all the time, and you've accomplished so many incredible, impossible things. The time you bought us gives us a chance to save so many more people."

"I'm not...wired like that. Part of the reason I joined the military was the mindset. 'No man left behind.' I...I felt that on a personal level, you know? It...helped me define who I wanted to be, and who I want to be isn't a person who is okay with what happened. I understand sacrifice. I just can't imagine normalizing making the decision for someone else that they're going to have to sacrifice, and certainly not on this kind of scale. They were civilians. This shouldn't have been their fight."

"They're coming, and it's going to be everyone's fight very, very soon."

"I know, but...fuck. We're not going to be ready, Garrus. We're not. I'm about to be court-martialed, but even if I weren't, nobody would listen to me. You remember how it was."

"They're court-martialing you?"

"Between working with a human rights terrorist group and killing three hundred thousand batarians, yeah. Hackett warned me to be ready to take the hit."

"That's insane. We need you out here. I need you." The disbelief was clear in the turian's voice, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

"I know. I'm sorry." When he started to pull away, Anya steeled herself for him to leave. She wasn't expecting him to whirl her around so that she was facing him, or the way he tugged her back in to embrace her more fully, practically cradling her against his tall frame. She found herself clinging to him as the tears started to flow freely, every sob wracking her body as he held her. He started to let out a noise of his own, somewhere between a keen and a whine, and the sounds of his pain only made her cry harder.

She wasn't sure how much time passed that way, both of them wrapped up in each other as they let out their grief, but her tears slowed eventually. She pulled back enough swipe at her eyes, wishing she hadn't cried on him so much. As soon as she finished the motion, he leaned down, touching his forehead to hers gently.

He quietly asked her, "Do you want to come lie down with me?"

"Yeah. That sounds really nice right now," she whispered, another painful lump forming in her throat.

"Good, because I'm already planning on holding you as much as possible until you kick me off the ship," he said, and she couldn't help letting out a short laugh.

"I suppose I can live with that," she tried to joke weakly, before a passing thought turned her stomach to lead. "I still don't understand how you can want to be with me after what I just did."

It took a moment for him to respond, but his words were sure when he did. "Being present when something bad happens doesn't make you unworthy of people caring about you, Anya."

"But why...why be with me? I'm about to go away for what is likely a very long time. That's not…"

"Hey, stop. I understand why you're worrying, but being with you is my decision as long as being with me is yours."

"Should it be? I don't think it's fair for you to be stuck waiting for me for God knows how long. You are-"

"No."

"No?" Anya asked, perturbed.

"I don't want to end this. That's what you were building up to, wasn't it?"

"I...I guess so."

"You don't need to give me a way to bow out gracefully. I don't want out."

"I just...I know things change," she hedged.

"I'm not abandoning you like Alenko."

"I never said that you were."

"But you're already making it clear that you wouldn't hold it against me if I did." His tone made his distaste clear.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Garrus."

"Look, I don't...I wish I knew how to articulate why this bothers me. It's like...it's like you think your time and your affection and your company should be expendable, or easily replaceable, and that doesn't sit well with me."

"I just think we need to be honest with ourselves about the facts. Dr. Kenson said that destroying the relay might have bought us months or years. I am positive that they won't let me out before there are confirmed sightings of Reapers, and even then, it's iffy. You might be okay with waiting for me for a month or two, but what about a year? What if it's more?" she asked.

"I already waited two years, I don't give a damn if I need to wait more. It'll be easier to wait if I know you're coming back to me."

"I could feasibly be executed for what happened, Garrus. The Hegemony is going to be out for blood. I might not be able to come back this time."

"Don't say that."

"I just...think you should be prepared. That's why I'm saying if...if things don't work out the way we're hoping...one way or another...it's okay."

"Damn it, Anya, that is enough!" Anya finally looked up, startled by the steel in his voice. He seemed to realize how harsh he sounded, his expression shifting to something close to shame as he murmured, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice."

"It's okay," she said quietly. "I know you're just upset."

"I'm still sorry. And they aren't going to execute you. You're the first human Spectre, the optics on you being killed by your own government would be abhorrent for the Alliance and the Council."

"Maybe," she said noncommittally.

He didn't press, opting instead to gently run his hands up and down her upper arms, tentatively asking, "So, did you still...want to come rest with me?"

She smiled weakly and turned her face up a little more to press her mouth to his once. "I would."

The pair made their way to the bed together, and Anya pulled her boots off gracelessly after sitting down on the edge. Garrus followed suit, and before long, they were lying in bed, facing each other.

After a few beats of silence, he whispered, "I don't know everything that's going to happen, but I hope you know that I will always have your six, Anya."

"I know," she murmured. "Some things never change."

He seemed content with that, one big hand coming up to cup her jaw. He shifted enough to touch his forehead to hers for a beat before he settled back, the pad of his thumb going back and forth in a gentle caress. She closed her eyes to savor the feeling for a few long moments. It was then that she felt a wave of weariness wash over her, and then there was only darkness.

* * * * * * * *

AN: I know I don't normally post anything outside of the chapter itself, but I just wanted to apologize for how long this one took to get done. I honestly didn't want to write it, because I know that Garrus and Shepard saying goodbye (for now) is the next thing for me to write. I've always pictured their farewell as somewhat of a painful surprise, so I let myself be sidetracked by working on rough drafts of scenes that are a little further down the line after they're reunited, and that made procrastinating on writing this barely post-Arrival scene very easy. So, sorry, everyone who got used to me updating more often. On the bright side, there are going to be five separate instances in the near future where I will be updating chapters two at a time. Until then, stay safe, everybody!

-NF