Nothing grows, when a house ain't a home
10th May 2019
"Okay, are you sure you'll be okay with Amhar all day?" Merlin checked.
"I'll be fine" Morgana reassured him. "He's a baby. What could go wrong?".
"Ga" Amhar giggled as he tried to pull himself up and fell down. "Ga" he giggled as he repeated it again.
"You sure?" Merlin checked.
"I'm fine" Morgana replied as she jabbed away at her phone. "Nothings wrong".
"Hmm" Merlin mused. "Except, you know".
"I'll be fine. It is one day" Morgana repeated. "Anyway. Off to work you go".
"Study leave begins today for the fifth form" Merlin said.
"I know".
Merlin grabbed his work bag, rolled his eyes and told her to "take care" before he set off to work.
Morgana rolled her eyes at him. She saw Amhar happily playing and amusing himself and checked the time. Only seven thirty. She'd have to tell Elaine and Dylan (and of course the twins) yet she just didn't know how to. The hospital had given her Arthur's phone and she already knew his password so quickly unlocked it and wondered who to phone first. She quickly chose Elaine.
"Arthur" Elaine greeted haughtily. "To what do I owe this pleasure?".
"Is this Elaine, mother of Gideon and Leon speaking?" Morgana asked.
"Yes it is. Who are you—oh wait! Morgana is that you".
"It is" Morgana replied.
"Is everything okay?" Elaine asked.
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I think you and the boys need to come over to Arthur's as soon as possible".
"Of course" Elaine replied. "Is everything okay?".
"Just get here as quickly as you can please" Morgana sighed. "It's serious".
"Of course. I need to wake the boys but I'll be my fastest. How serious exactly?".
"I'll talk to you first before I tell the boys" Morgana decided. "But it needs to be in person. We're talking they'll probably need the day of school serious".
"Fucking hell" Elaine gasped. "I'll be over in twenty. Thank you". Morgana hung up and phoned Dylan.
"Hey dad, I was wondering why you weren't returning my texts" Dylan greeted.
"It's me, Morgana. Can you come over to Arthur's".
"I was actually already on my way" Dylan clarified. "I was getting worried seeing as he wasn't responding".
"How far are you?".
"A few minutes. I'll see you there".
When Morgana greeted Dylan at the door she felt rather dishevelled in comparison to him. With the baby on her hip chewing on her pyjama top, a hot water bottle clutched to her stomach, her hair up in a messy ponytail and with her eye bags, Morgana knew she looked a mess.
"Is everything okay?" Dylan asked with a frown as he followed Morgana to the living too.
"Take a seat" Morgana sighed watching as Dylan sat down.
"Where's dad?".
"I'm sorry Dylan" Morgana whispered as tears welled in her eyes once more. "You father passed away".
"What?!" Dylan gasped as he broke into sobs. "When? How? Why?".
"We were involved in a car crash" Morgana explained as she sat next to him on the sofa. "It was serious. Arthur didn't make it".
"But ... how" Dylan sobbed. "How did it happen?".
"I don't know" Morgana whispered. "One minute we were driving the next we ... crashed. Amhar and I escaped ... just, just in time".
"How can dad be gone" Dylan sobbed. "Just how?".
"Is it okay if I hug you?" Morgana asked. Dylan nodded and she leant in to hug her nephew, balancing the baby on her lap as he continued to chew at her pyjamas top. "What is that smell, can you smell that?".
"I had coffee and bacon" Dylan replied as he looked at Morgana weirdly.
"Here, take the baby" Morgana thrust Amhar into his half brother's arm. "That stinks, I'm gunna be sick". Morgana ran off in the direction of the nearest bathroom, Dylan looking confusedly around as he waited for her to return. She did quickly, pale faced and took the baby back. "Sorry about that".
"It's okay" Dylan sighed. "When did it ... it happen?".
"If it's okay" Morgana said, "can we wait for the twins and their mother to get here".
Dylan nodded and looked down solemnly. "I'll have to notify my work so I can arrange leave".
"Of course" Morgana nodded. The doorbell rang about twenty minutes later with a frazzled looking Elaine and the twins at the door.
"Sorry boys" Morgana smiled slightly sympathetically. "I need to talk to your mother first".
"We'll let you in later" Elaine shrugged. "Not like you're going to freeze to death out there, it's May".
"It's raining" Gideon protested.
"You have a coat" Elaine shrugged as she walked into the house. "Look babes, you look like death warmed up why don't you go take a nap or something, I'll look after the baby".
"There's something I need to tell you" Morgana said as she went to the living room. "You might want to sit down".
"I think I know, but what is it?".
"Arthur's dead" Morgana sighed.
"Oh" Elaine's forehead creased. "I'll go get the boys. Also sorry, but I have a really dark sense of humour. In case you haven't figured that out yet".
"You don't say" Dylan remarked under his breath.
With all of Arthur's sons in the room, Morgana went over the details. The car crash had happened on Tuesday and now it was Friday, they didn't have Arthur's phone before then and were sorting everything out. Dylan decided that he wanted to stay all day, and Elaine and the twins also stayed all day. Babies are one of those things that can bring joy during hard times like these, so everyone passed Amhar around.
Morgana didn't want to be near the baby. She knew she would have to eventually given that she was raising it, yet explained (after getting sick a few more times) that she was feeling unwell and so went to bed and curled up under the covers. She didn't want ot be around him for now. Not when she hadjust lost her own. She had only found out last week, the online pregnancy calculator said that she was around six weeks yet even so it still hurt. Physically. Grieving the loss of her brother and sister-in-law on top of that didn't help.
Morgana looked in the bedside draw on Gwen's side. A diary of some sort. She knew that she probably shouldn't be looking yet needed something to distract herself and opened it up.
15th March 2016
I have just found out that I am pregnant! And we've been only trying for a month! This is amazing!
27th May 2016
Maybe not. I went to the scan today and there was no heartbeat. They gave me some medication in order to move things along quickly. How did this happen? Why? Just why.
5th September 2016
Arthur and I have started at Camelot grammar as of today. And this morning I found out I'm pregnant! Not had any symptoms except my period being late but wow!
30th September 2016
It's happening again. The pain. The blood. Why was there so much blood? Why did this have to happen. Why?
27th May 2017
Exactly one year after my first miscarriage, I have found out that I am pregnant again. Am I scared? Yes! Am I excited? Yes!
8th July 2017
The sac was empty. The baby didn't even develop properly. Why does this keep happening to me?!
15th October 2017
And I'm pregnant again. I don't know who the father is—Arthur or Lancelot. I just hope for Arthur's sake it doesn't stick—I just can't have Lancelot's kid.
15th December 2017
I have never been so relieved in my life. No heartbeat. Anyhoo back to trying for Arthur and I. I know it's the modern ages so there's treatment but I just want Arthur and I to become parents! Is it too much to ask? :(
23rd January 2018
I'm pregnant again. I told Arthur. He didn't know what to do/say. I told Morgana except she went back to sleep like an idiot. I'm all alone in this I suppose
9th March 2018
There's a heartbeat! Baby Pendragon is on the way. Thank God!
25th May 2018
Turns out baby needs surgery once it's born. NICU stay etc. But that's okay, he'll be OK. It's a boy! I knew it! Also he's big and I'm having a c-section
13th September 2018
Baby boy is here and perfect! I've not yet seen him but I'm so in love with him. Please let him be okay
22nd September 2018
Surgery day
Update; baby okay!
Morgana didn't bother to stop her tears. Gwen seemed so strong on the outside when dealing with all this—yet she too was only human. Unable to deal with the miscarriage too. Morgana felt slightly better in the knowledge that she wasn't alone. Statistically one in four pregnancies ended in miscarriage—many before the woman even knew she was pregnant—so why was it still so taboo?
She continued to go through the pages. Endless quotes on baby loss.
"This one little angel has slipped away".
"You didn't stay for long, yet in those precious weeks you changed me forever".
"You are rooted deep within my soul. A part of me forever. In the deepest part of my heart ... there you are"
"A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps inside your veins and swims through your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it's up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again".
"I didn't get to meet you. I didn't get to see you. All I had were two simple lines. And they meant the world to me".
And that's what hurt. She didn't even get to see the baby. She only had those two lines on the stick. The two lines that meant everything to her. The endless morning sickness that still hadn't passed. The constant tiredness yet being unable to sleep. The hunger that made the morning sickness worse yet if she ate she'd get sicker, if she didn't eat again.
She heard a knock on the door, Elaine walking in carrying Amhar and using her chin to prop up his bottle. "I've made lunch" she sympathetically smiled.
"Lunch already?" Morgana frowned as she sat up. She blearily rubbed her eyes as she looked around. "Sorry, it's been a rough few days".
"I know" Elaine smiled. "But this little guy here has made it worthwhile". Amhar sat up quickly and threw his bottle across the room, letting out a shriek and pointing towards Morgana. "Apologies, but it's been a while since the boys were on formula".
"Don't worry about it" Morgana replied as she took Amhar.
"I'm going to take the boys home after lunch, if that's okay?".
"Yeah of course it is. But thank you for everything".
"Don't mention it. That's what friends are for" Elaine smiled.
When he returned from work Merlin was rather surprised to find that Morgana was no where to be seen. He looked around the living room, Amhar was happily bouncing up and down in his jumperoo as he babbled away to himself, there was some teenager stretched out on the sofa watching the TV.
"Who the hell are you?" Merlin asked.
"Dylan" He replied, shaking his hand and keeping an eye on the TV. "Arthur's eldest son".
"Eldest son?" Merlin gasped. "I know you. You're that teenager from the magic horse".
"Well done" Dylan congratulated him. "Now apologies but that baby seems to need a bottle of milk, yet I have no idea how to make one. I've given him some babyfood and he keeps looking at me weirdly".
Merlin went over to the jumperoo and picked up a grinning Amhar. "I'll get on with that then" Merlin muttered as he went to the kitchen.
Morgana knew that the kitchen would never be tidy. After all, it was Merlin she had to share it with. She wasn't planning to leave her room except she heard someone shout "NO!" And the baby crying so ran downstairs.
Merlin still dressed in his work suit was covered in white stuff. The floor again, covered in white stuff. The counter top, again covered in the white stuff.
"What happened?!" Dylan exclaimed.
"What happened?" Merlin retorted. "I can't make this sodding formula, that's what happened".
"Is baby milk really that hard to make?" Dylan laughed.
"You try it then" Merlin barked. He passed a wailing Amhar to Dylan and stormed off, leaving the powder on the floor.
"I'm not cleaning that up" Morgana declared. "Come on. Pass the baby then".
A/N: I had wanted to address Gwen's miscarriages without making it the main focus, so I guess this is my way of addressing them