fuck the hurt, fuck the pain, fuck the sadness, fuck the hate. I wanna feel every feeling in the book tonight.
10th May 2019
"And study leave has commenced" Merlin commented.
"How'd it go?" Morgana asked.
"Not too bad" Merlin replied. "Tad emotional for some of them quite a few visited the memorial". In the school reception there was a memorial for Arthur and Gwen—filled with flowers, letters from pupils and more.
"I bet" Morgana sighed. "Especially what with Arthur and Gwen".
"Hmm" Merlin mused. "How was your day?".
"I spoke to Elaine—the twins mum and Dylan".
"Dylan seemed nice" Merlin remarked. "I can't believe Arthur had three secret love kids".
"I know" Morgana agreed. "Makes you wonder what else someone could be hiding".
"What's that supposed to mean?" Merlin frowned.
"Nothing" Morgana shrugged. "I will say though, it was rather emotional today. Especially given that these lot were my first gcse group the whole way through".
"I know" Merlin agreed.
"Would've been nice to see them off" Morgana shrugged.
"You'll see them again" Merlin reassured her. "Not to mention, you're ill".
"I know" Morgana sighed. "But still".
"Some things can't be helped" Merlin shrugged. He kissed her forehead and sat next to her on the sofa. "What are we doing tomorrow?".
"I'm going to get more of my stuff from the flat. Then I guess I'll be renting it out. You?".
"Extra income does sound good" Merlin agreed. "Well, we should head to the estate agent tomorrow then".
"Great" Morgana smiled. "You phone them. I'm already emotional enough with study leave today, I'll just end up bawling down the phone".
"Hormones" Merlin muttered jokingly.
12th May 2019
"What do babies need?" Morgana wondered as she scrolled through the baby website.
"Pushchair" Merlin decided as he clicked on the pushchair area. "Let's see, prams from birth?".
"Why not" Morgana shrugged as she clicked on that area. "Shitting hell" her eyes widened at the price. "£1500 for a sodding pram!".
"If I recall" Merlin smirked. "When you went baby shopping with Gwen, you kept trying to convince her to buy an uber-expensive bugaboop or whatever it's called".
"Bugaboo" Morgana corrected. "Let's see what brands they have ... Silver Cross ... Cybex ... ahah! Costa!".
"That does not say Costa" Merlin replied with a grimace. "Cosatto".
"Whatever you say" Morgana shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Okay, he's an older baby so stroller or buggy not pram ... let's see".
"I FOUND THE ONE" Merlin screeched as he jumped up. "I FOUND THE ONE".
"Shut up" Morgana hissed. "You're going to wake the baby".
"Okay, but this looks awesome" Merlin decided. "Cosatto Woosh dino-mighty. Perfect".
"I. Am. Not" Morgana declared. "Going. To. Be. Seen. Dead. With. That".
"What's wrong with it?" Merlin frowned. "It's great! Like Amhar's being eaten by a dinosaur".
Morgana frowned shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I'd love to see my nephew get eaten by a dinosaur. Maybe you next time".
"Thanks" Merlin replied sarcastically. "Well, I'll buy that one, choose your own".
"With pleasure" Morgana retorted. "Let's see. Cosatto Supa Rev up okay I'm sold".
"That was quick" Merlin remarked. "Okay, let's see. New car seats? He hated rear facing". Whenever Merlin or Morgana would take Amhar out in the car, he would cry and kick the seat in protest.
"He'll need one seeing as he's eight months tomorrow so can move forward facing" Morgana agreed. "Let's see...not expensive and not cheap shit. Britax king for your car and Maxi Cosi tobi for me".
"Why do you get the tobi?" Merlin frowned. "I want the Maxi Cosi".
"And I" Morgana retorted. "Refuse to drive around with a king in the back of my car".
"Fine" Merlin replied.
"Fine" Morgana retorted. "And I" she turned on her heel. "Am going to bed. So, be quiet when you come up!".
"I thought you'd want me on the sofa?" Merlin frowned.
"No. You're staying in the bed. It's not like we haven't slept together before".
"You're not wrong" Merlin winked.
"Merlin I'm having a miscarriage, I am not in the mood for sex". She stomped up the stairs and slammed the door, followed by a loud wail over the baby monitor. The baby had awoken. Amhar was stood up as tears rolled down the baby's face, he stood up and clung to the cot bars as he jumped.
"What's wrong?" Merlin asked. He hung the blanket over the cot walls and took the babies downstairs. He set him down in his baby swing to make him his formula. Only ten? Seriously?
He began to boil the kettle while Amhar continued to cry in his swing kicking and banging his fists on the sides.
"I know Amhar, I know" Merlin sighed as he stopped the kettle boiling. Should be fine, even though it didn't fully boil it was still warm. "Milk is almost ready". He poured the water in the bottle and grabbed the formula box. He kept making faces at the baby as to not make him cry, aimlessly grabbing the scoop and dropping the powder into the water.
"I think that's enough" Merlin said to nobody in particular and he put the test on and begun to shake it. He quickly closed the tub of formula and left the bottle on the counter, turning around to get Amhar out his highchair.
"You want some milk, huh?" Merlin smiled at the baby as he grabbed the bottle. Amhar leant out of Merlin's arms as he hungrily went towards his bottle surprising Merlin as he backed into the counter—leaving a rather large pile of white powder.
"You stink of baby milk" Morgana murmured as Merlin climbed into bed.
"Don't ask" Merlin sighed. "Also, Amhar won't be able to have his morning milk as I might have spilt the sodding formula powder everywhere again".
"You idiot" Morgana exclaimed still with her eyes closed. "And I thought that sending him back to nursery tomorrow would be a piece of cake".
"I know, I'm an idiot" Merlin agreed. "Night. I'll get more formula tomorrow".
"The follow-on one" Morgana reminded him. "He's not a newborn".
"I know. Get some sleep" Merlin murmured.
13th May 2019
Driving along the A48. It would never get "better". No matter what they told her, it just wouldn't. Speeding along the road. Arthur and Gwen begin to argue. Amhar begins to whine. He hated the car. Hated it. Wanted to look forwards like everybody else. Arthur and Gwen got louder. Gwen knew about Dylan and the twins.
"Oh you want to know what fucking hurts?" Arthur retorted. "I'm supposed to have a daughter but I don't cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too".
The loud bang
Gwen screaming Arthur. Arthur's scream.
Escaping with the car seat.
Blood. Nothing but blood and blood. Endless amounts of blood which kept on flowing and flowing. Never ending, like a tap that hadn't been switched off. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Morgana gasped as she sat up and grabbed the blanket for comfort.
"Morgana" Merlin called as he tried to calm the inconsolable woman. "It's okay. Don't cry".
"It isn't okay" Morgana hissed. "This will never get better. Ever. I don't know why you thought we could do this".
"It's because we can do this" Merlin replied as he tilted her chin up. She looked at him with pure and utter fear as the tears streamed down her face. Merlin leant in to kiss her with his lips meeting hers.
"What the fuck, Merlin?" Morgana whispered.
"Morgana, I" Merlin tried to explain himself. Yet he just couldn't.
"Get out" Morgana hissed.
Merlin was having a very bad Monday the 13th which was strange given that the unlucky day was supposed to be the Friday not Monday. Amhar had no formula and wanted Morgana so was grumpy at being woken up, hated rear facing in the car and then decided he didn't want to go to nursery and clung to Merlin as he attempted to hand him over to his key worker.
During his lunch break Merlin sought out Mithian and explained the situation to him. Morgana and his kiss. Amhar's situation. The adoption problems which were still undergoing. While Mithian and Merlin hadn't been the closest before, Mithian soon found herself to be a regular on their house.