Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye ...
18th May 2019
"I don't know what to do" Morgana sighed as she flopped on the sofa.
"What's up?" Merlin asked.
"I still feel pregnant. Even though tests were coming back negative on the digital with a faint line on the First Response tests and whatnot which is confusing, and I passed some clots a few days before my taster day, I mean, look!" She lifted up her top. "See how fucking fat I am".
"You're not fat" Merlin scoffed. "You've just been eating a lot".
"Yeah, and throwing it back up cause the sodding morning sickness isn't gone yet".
"Maybe phone up the early pregnant unit" Merlin shrugged. "See what happens. They'll probably call you in".
"I think I'll have to" Morgana sighed as she began to phone the early pregnancy unit. They advised her to go in, and not drive so Merlin drove her and left Amhar with Morgause. Morgana was slightly surprised as she anxiously clutched Merlin's hand in the waiting room.
"Morgana Pendragon" the midwife called with a smile. Morgana changed into the sheet ready for the internal scan.
"So, let's take a look" the scanner said. "I'm sorry. It looks as though there is some retained products. From what I can see there is still some of the sac left too".
"So what now?" Morgana asked.
"There are two options. You can have a medical management which involves dissolving some pills in your mouth or you can have a surgical management. There are pros and cons to each version but ultimately it is up to you to decide".
"What are the pros of medical management?" Morgana asked.
"I'll be back" the scanner replied. "I'm going to get a midwife to go over it with you".
After weighing out the pros and cons of medical management and surgical management, Morgana opted to have the surgery. Given that it would be over and done with quicker and less painfully, Morgana opted to go through with it. She even said that Merlin was the father of the baby so that he could go with her while she waited and watched as she was taken to the operating theatre. Morgana returned around forty-five minutes later with tears streaming down her face.
"My baby" Morgana whispered.
"I know" Merlin sighed as he tightly gripped her hand.
"Marry me. I love you. I want you to be the real father of my next babies. Not Alvarr. With him it's like snogging a fucking frog!".
"You need to rest" Merlin reminded her. Later on, Merlin would replay that conversation over and over in his head. He had put it down to the anaesthetic and whatnot yet he tried to bring it up only to find that Morgana was already asleep. Not that he blamed her. It was emotionally draining and he'd only watched, let alone experience it.
At home once more, Morgana took the small notebook out and turned to a fresh page, beginning to write.
30th April 2019
Morgana here. Found out I'm pregnant today somehow. Alvarr's kid. Fucking hell. Alvarr's going to be a shit father!
7th May 2019
Shit few days. Car crash, told I'm likely miscarrying. Well technically I am miscarrying. Arthur and Gwen, gone. My baby, gone. And I have to raise Amhar.
12th May 2019
Despite this, on the line tests I get positive tests yet the digital ones are negative ... strange. I've been signed off work for a few weeks and have spent my days between the sofa, bed and toilet. Too much blood.
18th May 2019
I was still pregnant ... it retained. The pregnancy was retained =( and they gave me the option of medication or surgery. I chose surgery, so I could get it over and done with. I don't know how to deal with it happening longer.
20th May 2019
"Funeral songs?" Merlin asked.
"I'll google them" Morgana shrugged. "Arthur and Gwen wanted happy songs yet there's no fucking happy songs!".
"Sweet but psycho" Morgana smirked. "We're not playing sweet but psycho at a funeral!".
"So that's off limits" Merlin agreed.
"Did you see their will? Gwen requested good as hell".
"You're joking!" Merlin gasped.
"I wish" Morgana scoffed. "Know any sad songs? Arthur requested fields of gold".
"What were their favourite songs again?" Merlin asked.
"I don't know. Someone you loved?".
"I'll note it down" Morgana replied. "Gwen loved speechless. That song from Aladdin. I wonder what the new one will sound like".
"I don't blame her" Merlin shrugged. "The new one looks amazing. I can't believe they didn't even get to see it".
"Thank u, next?" Morgana suggested.
"For a funeral?" Merlin laughed. "Just no. Ariana grande and funerals just don't work".
"Let's see. 7 years?" Morgana suggested.
"Definitely" Merlin agreed. "What's that song at the end of Prince Caspian?".
"No need to say goodbye! I'll add that to the list".
"Dreams! The cranberries!".
"Chasing cars is good too" Morgana added as she wrote it down. "I know they loved the fuller house theme".
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go there's a heart there's a heart, a hand to hold on to" Merlin sang as he wrote it down.
"Shut up" Morgana laughed as she gently slapped him. "Sweet dreams are made of this".
"Ooh but the Emily browning edition is just chilling" Merlin declared.
"Some of them want to get used by you".
"What's that supposed to mean?" Merlin asked as he raised his eyebrows.
"Africa on the list too?" Morgana checked. "Arthur loved that".
"Karaoke was fun" Merlin smiled dazedly. "Never gonna give you up".
"Ric rolled!" Morgana declared. "I get knocked down. But I get up again, you ain't never gunna keep me down, I get knocked down but I get up again, ain't never gunna keep me down".
"Arthur liked N'SYNC didn't he?" Merlin checked.
"I'm sure he was Bi for JT!" Morgana laughed. "And probably you in Camelot".
"He he" Merlin nervously laughed. Why was he so nervous? "So bye bye bye on the list?".
"Sure is" Morgana winked. "Oh and add lovely day too. Some sad cover of sweet child o'mine too".
Merlin faked offence as he clutched a hand to his chest. "A cover of sweet child o'mine? That should be a crime!".
"Merlin, it's for a funeral" Morgana gently reminded him.
"So we won't play lovely day then?".
"Of course we are" Morgana snorted. "It's one of Arthur's favourite songs. And anyway, they specified that they want us in colourful clothing and celebrating life, not crying. Easier said than done I know".
"And the funeral playlist is done" Merlin concluded as he threw his pen down.
"We have an appointment tomorrow with the flower company. I'm heading to the gym. Mithian's picking me up".
"Have fun. How long do you think you'll be?".
"I'll be back for bedtime so calm down" Morgana smirked. Amhar didn't seem to like Merlin putting him down for bed, only Morgana. And Merlin didn't like putting Amhar to bed as he would cry and cry and cry. "Gotta go, Mithian's here".
"How are ya?" Mithian asked once Morgana was in the front seat.
"Not too bad" Morgana shrugged. "We just decided on the funeral songs so. Well, ready to hit the gym?".
"You bet I am. Are you?".
"Of course. Don't fly of the treadmill".
"I don't fly of the treadmill" Mithian protested. "Although, I was there last week and Harriet almost went flying. I was too shocked to laugh".
"Well let's get on with our exercise" Morgana sighed. They made their way to the changing rooms and quickly changed before the headed off to the gym, getting two treadmills next to each other.
Mithian was beginning to get worried about Morgana. She had begun to look a lot slimmer than normal, and Merlin had told her to keep an eye on the younger woman as much as possible which wasn't difficult given that she was worried too. And she was wearing a jumper for some reason.
"Okay and warm up done" Mithian said as she turned to Morgana. "Weights next?".
"Okay" Morgana agreed as she slowed her treadmill down. "Actually" she briefly held onto the side of the treadmill as it stopped. "I don't feel so good". She walked off the treadmill and collapsed to the floor.
"Uh ... shit. Ambulance, ambulance!" Mithian said as she tried to unplug her headphones and phone the ambulance.
"You gave us quite a scare there" Merlin remarked as he stood next to Morgana. Mithian had called an ambulance and then Merlin and they quickly made their way to Avalon hospital.
"I already said" Morgana said to the doctor. "I'm fine".
"She isn't" Merlin and Mithian muttered at the same time.
"We'll do some blood work" the doctor insisted. "And see what happens there. Any change you're pregnant?".
"I was" Morgana said quietly. "But I lost it. No big deal".
"How long ago was this?".
"I had a D&C two days ago".
"You're supposed to be on bed rest in that case" the doctor remarked.
"I was trying to loose the baby weight" Morgana insisted.
"You still should have been on bed rest. Count yourself lucky that nothing too serious happened. I'll go sort out some blood work and get you on some IV's". The doctor closed the curtains and retreated from the cubicle.
"Did I fuck up or something?" Morgana frowned. "Cause he looked a tad pissed".
Mithian and Merlin groaned and facepalmed.
"Mama!" Amhar beamed from Merlin's arms as he stretched out to Morgana. "Mama!".
"Did he just?" Mithian asked.
"Yes" Merlin and Morgana interrupted her simultaneously.
"It wasn't supposed to be me" Morgana whispered as tears welled in her eyes. "It was supposed to be Gwen".
"We'll get you on that IV now" the doctor said as he re-entered the cubicle. "Don't cry. You have nothing to worry about. Roll up your sleeves".
"Can they leave first?" Morgana checked.
"Morgana" Merlin protested.
"Best if they stay" the doctor protested as he rolled up her sleeve. "Small scratch coming up".
"Morgana!" Mithian gasped. She knew now why Morgana had kept the jumper on. Red lines marred her skin, droplets of blood.
"Leave it Mithian" Morgana snapped. "Just leave".
"Morgana .. why?" Merlin asked.
"You'd never understand, Merlin. Now get out".
"Oh my gosh" Mithian whispered when they were outside the cubicle. "I had no idea she was pregnant ... or the other thing ...I'm sorry".
"I trust you not to tell anyone?" Merlin checked.
"Of course. I know what it's like. I had a miscarriage in the easter holidays too".
"Really? I'm so sorry, Mith".
"Don't sweat it" Mithian shrugged. "It is what it is. Everything happens for a reason".
"I wish I knew what that reason was" Merlin muttered as Amhar tried to leap out his pushchair and toppling it down while he shouted "mama!".
"I can tell this ones going to be trouble" Mithian smiled as she helped Merlin lift the pushchair up. "Is that a dinosaur eating pushchair!".
"You bet" Merlin smirked.
Merlin knew that Morgana had just come around from her anaesthetic when she said what she said, yet it still made him wonder. I want you to be the real father of my children, not Alvarr. Did she mean that or was it only a drug induced muttering? And while terrible things had happened in the past, a part of Merlin hoped it was true.