Chapter 29

Anya jerked awake, her breathing labored as she sat bolt upright. The boy from Earth had visited her dreams again, and she hated it. She could vividly remember the way he looked at her as she struggled in vain to move, her limbs moving so sluggishly that she may as well have been trying to walk through water.

"You're safe," a voice murmured softly, and she couldn't help jumping at the sudden contact of a hand on hers. "It's just me, Anya. You're okay. We're okay. Are you here with me?"

She felt shame heat her cheeks at his tone, all gentleness and worry. Part of her was embarrassed for Garrus to see her like this, anxious after a nightmare, but she swallowed and tried to ignore it. "I'm fine."

"I know you are, sweetie. Did you want to talk?"

"No, I...not really. Can I have a sec?" She still hadn't looked at him, and she felt bad for even asking, but she couldn't help feeling vulnerable and out of sorts.

"If it will help." He pulled back his hand, and she swallowed. She reached back, twining her fingers with his silently, and he stilled. He slowly, carefully squeezed for a moment, and she felt herself relax. A few minutes passed in silence before she finally spoke, her voice a little hoarse.

"I had a bad dream," she admitted, finally meeting his gaze, studying the turian. He was propped up on his elbow, watching her in turn.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly.

"Okay." He didn't press, content to wait quietly for a few moments.

"So, you were taking notes when you talked to your dad, huh?" she asked, trying to joke with him, and he chuckled.

"He's still got a thing or two to teach me, I guess. Why? Is it working?"

"I am not a suspect, and this really should not be an interrogation," she pretended to grouse. He shrugged at that, and she waited for a beat before realizing that he was doing it again, just sitting there mutely, waiting for her to either spill or tell him outright that she didn't want to talk. She warned him, "I won't crack easily."

"Well, what do you want me to say, sweetie?"

"I don't know."

"Alright, alright, here." He scooted forward and sat upright, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and leaning so that his temple touched hers. "If you want to talk, I'm all ears. If you don't want to talk, I really don't mind just being here for you."

"Okay," she murmured softly, feeling a little better. After a beat she slowly said, "I keep having bad dreams about someone who died on Earth."

"I'm sorry, Anya. Who was it?"

"It was...so, right after the attack started, there was this kid, right? And he was...things were so crazy, and he seemed scared, so I tried to get him to come with me, but he wouldn't. I saw him again as we were taking off, and it...I…"

"What happened?"

"He got on a shuttle," Anya whispered.

"Well, that's good, right?"

"The shuttle was destroyed less than ten seconds after it left the ground. A reaper just...and then they were all just gone, you know? And I feel like if I had been able to convince him to come with me to start with, he wouldn't have ended up on that shuttle and...God, I don't know. He pops up when I sleep now, though, and every time, I'm stuck in slow mo, mad as hell and feeling useless and scared but I don't even know what about it is that keeps freaking me out so much."

He squeezed her shoulders, making a sympathetic noise as he murmured "I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Shep."

"No, stop, it's fine, it's just a stupid dream."

"It's not stupid. How much have you been through in the last few days?"

"A lot," she admitted.

"It's normal to have a reaction to this kind of thing. You don't have to downplay this for my benefit. I already understand."

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about feeling this way, honey. It's...I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt truly powerless in my life. I can't save everyone, and I hate it."

"Every person we do save is a victory, Anya. Every person on this ship being alive is a victory. I know you want to save everyone, but you are not humanity's only champion." His words were gentle, and she felt herself leaning into him.

"I know. I know."

"You do enough. You do more than enough. I hope you try to remember that, sometimes."

"I'll try," she whispered.

"Good. Now, let's try to get some rest. We're going to have to get up once we get close to Grissom, and I know we're all going to be a little sharper if we're well rested."

"Okay." She let him tug her down with him, and she shifted to face him. He easily mirrored the gesture, and soon they were on their sides, nearly touching from chest to thighs. "Hey, Garrus?"

"Yes, Anya?"

"Do you...do you have bed dreams, too?"

"Yes," he admitted without hesitation, one hand reaching up to start gently running his blunted talons through her hair.

"Do you have a lot of them?"

"It...depends, honestly. Sometimes I go through periods of time where they're not so bad, and sometimes it's more nights than not. What about you?"

"More or less the same, I think. It's been more nights than not lately. When did you first start having trouble with them?" she asked.

"It got...noticeable after I'd been in C-Sec for a few months. You?"

"I mean, honestly, I've had them since I ran away from the orphanage, but they...started hitting harder after Elysium."

"I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure there were a lot of parts about Elysium that were terrifying."

"Honestly, it wasn't so bad, while it was happening. I didn't have time to panic and fall apart until after the Blitz was over, and then I just needed to get it together long enough to receive my medals."

"Your medals aren't the important part," he said with a snort.

"I know. It's just...Elysium was hard, you know? It was the first time something had happened to me that was so shitty that it broke me a little."

"You aren't broken, Anya."

"Just because I've gotten good at putting myself back together doesn't mean I'm not a wreck."

"Then...lean on me when you are putting yourself back together. I want to help you any way I can." He shifted so that his hand was now cupping her jaw, and she leaned into the touch, her heart pounding.

"You do help. Just by being here, you help." Her voice wavered a little as she spoke.

"Good."

After a beat, she asked, "Hey, Garrus?"

"Yes?"

"So, you wanted to know the human protocol on reunions, right?" She smiled a little as she spoke.

"Yeah."

"What's the turian protocol?" He laughed at that.

"We've already engaged in the turian protocol twice. It's remarkably similar." He feigned seriousness, and she felt herself blushing a little.

"How are they different?"

"Nothing important."

"Garrus…" she persisted, curious.

"Well, it's...kind of common for a couple to...refresh their marks when they see each other again, but it's not like it's a requirement. I wasn't planning on asking, I'm sure the first time hurt."

"Did you want to mark me again?"

"Spirits, look, it's not a big deal, I really don't need..." he hesitated with a sigh.

"You aren't answering the question, honey. Just talk to me."

"Well...I honestly...enjoyed marking you, and I...would do it again if I wasn't worried about causing...causing you pain. You can't tell me it didn't hurt, Shep."

"Did it hurt when I marked you?" she asked.

"Well, yeah, but I liked it."

"Well, I liked you marking me, too."

"It...scares me a little, knowing that I can hurt you like that. You bled a lot more than I did, and in the moment, I just kept bouncing back and forth between wondering how much blood you were losing and what the hell was wrong with me for doing it. Marking you the way I did scared the hell out of me. There was a moment before we talked where all I could think was that you'd been hurt by so many people, and here I was, joining their ranks after mauling you with no warning. You didn't know what I was doing, or why, and...I felt like I was damn lucky that you were even willing to look at me after that. Still do, honestly." His admission shocked her, and she felt a surge of guilt that he'd probably been worrying for far too long.

"Garrus, honey, I know that you felt conflicted at the time, but I promise, I wasn't upset, and in the heat of the moment, it was...hot. I'd be willing to renew the marks with you."

"I will...think about it, okay?"

"Okay. Just keep in mind, if we ever get to the point of wanting this to be a permanent thing, you'd probably have to mark me again, anyway, right?"

"If...if we did that the turian way, yeah. We could always do the human thing instead. Don't a lot of you exchange jewelry, or something?" he asked.

"Rings, yes, but there are other options."

"You'll have to tell me about them sometime. I don't mind learning."

"Yeah. I like the turian way, too, though. You don't have to shield me from this. I want it," she said softly, hoping that telling him directly would help drive her point home.

"Okay. It's just...hard to turn off that instinct. You're my partner. I want to keep you safe."

"I know, but I don't want to think you need to protect me from you."

"I guess I'll just have to protect you from everything else, then," he murmured, and she smiled.

"You do always have my six."

"Always. You know there's no Vakarian without Shepard."

"And there's no Shepard without Vakarian," she said, pleased.

"That's my girl." He pulled her in close enough to squeeze her once, and she sighed, content. The soft humming of his sub harmonics was soothing, and she finally felt a wave of weariness wash over her.

"I think I'm all talked out," she admitted, and he chuckled.

"You don't mind if I keep holding you for a while, right?"

"I will never mind you wanting to cuddle with me." He let out a satisfied noise.

"Good. Sweet dreams, Anya."

"Sweet dreams, Garrus."