Chapter 32

Anya sat on the couch in the starboard observation room, her knees pulled up to her chest as she gazed out. The war summit could have technically gone worse, but the demand for a cure to the genophage had gone over like a ton of bricks.

She heard the door open, and she glanced over her shoulder to see a familiar body filling the doorway. He nodded to her as he stepped through.

"Shepard."

"Hey, Wrex." She didn't care for how quiet and tired her voice sounded. She tried to force a little more energy into her next words. "Here to stargaze?"

He let out a noise and shook his head, making his way over to join her. She felt the furniture shudder when he plopped down. After a moment, he rumbled, "I just wanted to make sure you knew that back there...that wasn't about you."

"I know."

"You okay, kid?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm alright. And I don't blame you for wanting a cure, or for it being your line in the sand. I get it."

"It's not that I don't trust you."

"No, no, I understand. I would probably insist on getting something out of it first if the same people had been screwing me over as much as they could for a few centuries."

He grunted in acknowledgement, and they sat in silence together for a few long moments.

"Nice in here. Quiet."

"It is. I like it. Almost nobody ever comes in here during the day, so I can just...sit and think for a few minutes."

He snorted at that. "You can't do that from your cabin?"

She shook her head with a smile. "It's not that I can't, I just...associate this room with a different kind of thinking, I guess? It's probably because Samara used to meditate right over there in between missions. She let me join her a few times."

"Mmm."

"Sorry, I know that sounds...I dunno. Stupid, I guess."

"Not really. A true warrior's mind is just as much a weapon as their gun. If this helps clean it up, it's not stupid, Shepard," he rumbled, shifting to lean back.

"I guess."

"You sure you're alright, kid? You seem...off."

"I'm...just a little tired, I think," she said quietly.

"Been sleeping?"

"Technically."

"So not well, then." He sounded sure.

"No. Not well." The admission made her look away, embarrassment coloring her features.

Wrex grunted. "You might need to sleep more."

"That's what I've been trying to do, I just…"

"Dreams, I know. Been there more than once. Maybe it's just a krogan thing, but we dream less when we sleep more. It might be different for you humans, but that's how it works for us."

"It's hard to stay asleep, though. Hell, I even woke Garrus up recently. It's shit." Her hands tightened at the memory.

"Then go to the doc."

"She'll just recommend a sleep aid, and then when I dream, the only thing that will change is that I won't be able to wake up when it turns into a nightmare."

"This happen before?" he asked, his voice almost gentle.

"Yeah. Doctor Davis. I went to see him after Elysium. It just made it worse."

"Chakwas might have other ideas. Couldn't hurt to ask, could it?"

"Maybe," she said noncommittally, and there was a long pause before he spoke again.

"I'm just saying, this is something where you either learn to live with it, or you try to fix it. You have to decide which one you're doing, kid, but from where I'm sitting, trying to live with it isn't working out so well for you at the moment."

"I know."

"What's Garrus think about all this?"

"He thinks I need to take better care of myself," she admitted softly.

"He's a smart kid sometimes. Maybe you could listen to him every now and then."

"I know, it's just...hard. I already feel like there's so much wrong with me and this is just...hell, I don't know."

"Needing a little help doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Is there something wrong with me for wanting help with the genophage?" he asked with a derisive snort.

"No. That's different."

"It isn't. I am asking for assistance with something that spent a lot of time hurting me, because I couldn't do this alone. I know I couldn't, you know I couldn't. It's not as different as you think."

"Uh-uh. You're the one who pointed out the danger of false equivalences to me. Your thing is important," she countered.

"Mmm. Then ask for help from someone who will think it's important. Say the word and I'll go see the doc with you. You could ask your turian. Hell, Liara would trip over herself to be there almost as much as he would. When I'm on your ship, I know I'm not alone. When we're on your ship, neither are you."

The words took Anya aback for a moment, before she replied, "I know. I...thank you, Wrex."

"For what?"

"For...a different perspective on this. I appreciate it, and you."

"Sure thing." He seemed content with that, and a companionable silence stretched between them for a long minute. "Who do you think the Council is going to send to help with what I just dropped on you?"

"No one. If they don't offer this to me, I'm taking this mission of my own accord."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I think I trust the Council about as much as you do at this point," she admitted, and he chuckled.

"Probably a good call. They have moments where I'd trust a feral band of pyjaks over them."

"I would rather strip, rub myself down in bacon grease, and jump into the varren fighting pit with no gun than lean on the Council right now." Wrex laughed outright at that.

"I'd put credits on you," he said, still amused, as he lifted himself from the couch and stretched. "I'm thinking about going to the bar. You tagging along?"

"No, I think I'm going to sit and relax here for a few more minutes, and then I might see if Garrus is free. Maybe I can steal him from the Primarch long enough to swing by the medbay with me."

"Mmm. In that case, I'm not going to the bar."

"Where are you going, then?" she asked, puzzled.

"Impromptu meeting with the new Primarch. Might strategize with him to see what he wants after we get our cure."

"You don't have to do that." He snorted and shook his head, lumbering towards the door.

"That's why I decided to volunteer." With that, he was gone, and she hurried to type out a message to Garrus.

Hey, honey. Any chance I could ask for a favor?

His response came quickly.

Anything you need, just give me a few minutes to get out of this meeting.

She hurried to reply.

I don't think you're going to need a few minutes.

About thirty seconds later he messaged back.

You sent Wrex as a diversion?

She snorted before replying.

Figured he'd be too big to miss. You turians are an oblivious lot sometimes.

He responded a few moments later.

I never miss. Where are you?

She snorted before typing.

Starboard ob deck. You coming?

He walked in less than a minute later, beelining for her as soon as he caught sight of her.

"I was tempted to just say 'yes,'" he joked as he joined her on the couch, his arm snaking around her shoulders as he settled in right next to her.

"It would have been funny," she said agreeably, and he squeezed gently.

"You wanted my help with something?"

"Yeah, I was...hoping I could talk you into going with me to...see if maybe the doc has something to help me sleep," she managed haltingly, her cheeks heating.

"Absolutely," he said without missing a beat, touching his temple to hers for a moment. "When did you want to…?"

"In a minute," she clarified quickly. "I just...need to kinda...get amped up, I guess?"

"What is it about this that bothers you so much?" he asked gently, his free hand reaching for hers, and she sighed as their fingers intertwined. She looked away when she started to speak, trying to ignore the way his subharmonics made her want to relax into his embrace.

"I don't know, I guess I just...don't like acknowledging that there's something wrong with me. I'm...Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel, hero of Elysium, but, at the same time, I'm an N-seven who can't handle a few bad dreams. It's...it's honestly embarrassing, and frustrating, and it makes me feel like I'm a lesser person than everyone in the galaxy expects me to be. I'm supposed to be a shining example of what humanity is capable of, not...this...you know?"

"Hey. Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop blaming yourself for not being perfect. No one is putting this pressure on you but you, sweetie." The reverberations in his chest had shifted to an even softer rumble.

"I just...I should be stronger than this."

"No, you shouldn't be. Spirits, Anya, you're already one of the strongest people, if not the strongest person I know. You don't have to be invulnerable every hour of every day, and trying to pretend you are is only causing you pain."

Part of her wanted to argue, but she pushed the urge away. Instead, she asked, "If I'm not invulnerable, what am I?"

"Human. You're just one person, Anya. The whole galaxy doesn't have to rest on your shoulders every hour of every day. Besides, since when do you need to be invulnerable if I'm on your six?"

She swallowed around the lump in her throat, then managed to murmur, "You aren't wrong."

"There you go, admitting that I'm right again. If you aren't careful, I'm going to be insufferable."

She laughed. "I'm willing to take that risk."

"Alright. Don't say I didn't warn you." He squeezed her once. After a beat, he asked, "What can I do to make this easier for you?"

"I don't know."

"Would it help if I got right with Chakwas with you?"

"Maybe?" She turned to look at him, almost hopeful. She'd wanted him to take better care of himself as well, and the offer made her almost eager to go.

"Then we'll get a handle on this, together." He leaned down to touch his forehead to hers properly, his subharmonics stronger, and she caught herself smiling a little.

"Together."