Chapter 38

Anya struggled to keep her breathing even in spite of the lump in her throat. She felt claustrophobic, trapped with everyone as they piled into the elevator, bound for the crew deck. If Garrus, James, Eve, and Wrex noticed that she was upset, they didn't comment on it, and she knew she'd be grateful for that later, but for now, all she could do was focus on the rise and fall of her chest.

(Mordin is dead.)

"Did you want to stop by the med-bay?" Wrex asked Eve, and the female krogan let out a breath.

"May as well." The other woman sounded tired, and Anya made a mental note to check up on her as soon as she'd managed to get her own emotional state under control.

(Jesus fucking Christ, Mordin is dead.)

"After you," Wrex rumbled when the doors opened, and the pair departed quietly, leaving her in the elevator with Garrus and James.

"I wonder if anybody got that fight on video. Man, I can't believe we just killed a Reaper with a maw. That's insane!" James said conversationally as he hit the button for the CIC.

"It was probably the most Shepard thing I've seen in my life," Garrus agreed, his voice subdued, and James snorted.

"I can top it," Anya said absently as the doors closed.

(Oh, God, why did I let him go up there?)

"Nobody can top that, Lola."

"You sound like a man who isn't going to be invited when I go hunt Kalros after this is all over," Anya forced, trying to keep it together.

"I don't know if I want to be invited, that thing scared the shit out of me. It ate a Reaper."

"Excuses, lieutenant," Anya chided weakly.

"Please, I just don't have as much of a death wish as you," he retorted as the doors opened, and he stepped halfway out. "You guys coming? It'd be faster to find that vid with three people than one."

"Ah, I think I'm going to head up to my cabin. Need a minute, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it. You guys were close to Doctor Solus, right?"

"He was a friend," Garrus said with a nod.

"He was," Anya murmured.

(...and I let him die.)

"Let me know if you guys need anything, alright? I know losing people sucks," the marine said solemnly.

"Thank you, James." Anya hit the button for her floor, and he took a step so that he was out of the way of the door.

"Wait, are you...going up to the Commander's cabin?" James seemed puzzled as he registered that Garrus was staying on the platform.

"Yep," Garrus responded as the door closed, leaving the other man looking perturbed.

"I think you broke him," Anya murmured, and Garrus snorted.

"I don't think Vega realizes that we're together."

"Really? We aren't exactly subtle."

"I know, but you can physically see him trying to put it together in his head before he mentally gets to 'but she's human and he's an alien' and the whole train of thought gets shut down," he said as the doors opened, and they stepped out together.

"Is that really what he's doing? Should we just tell him outright?"

"Nah, it's almost a game at this point." They walked through the other door in tandem.

"A game?" she echoed, disbelieving as the cabin door shut behind them.

"Yeah. I've been treating it like a swear jar. Every time Vega doesn't figure out you're my girlfriend, I'm putting aside some credits. At first, I was going to use it to take you to dinner, once we had some time."

"Were you now? What'd you spend it on? Was it a gun, or mods?" she teased, and he snorted.

"I haven't spent any of it. My problem is that this account is currently approaching 'modest vacation' size instead of 'single nice dinner.'"

"Are...are you serious?"

"Very. If James keeps being dense, we're going to end up in 'down payment on an apartment' territory." After a beat, he stammered, "Uh, not saying I'm trying to push for us looking for a place. It's...I was just...for comparison..."

"Hey, stop, it's fine. I mean, once the war is over, house-hunting is definitely an option, but there's no pressure. I get it. You're good, honey."

"Right. Spirits, I keep putting my foot in my mouth."

"It's not the end of the world. It kind of says something about our relationship, that we haven't stopped getting nervous and flustered around each other. I like it. I get to have all the perks of the relationship without having to lose the majority of those 'I have a crush on you' butterflies," she murmured, taking his hand and stepping in close.

"Well, I'm glad you're a fan," he responded, squeezing her hand for a beat, then gently asking, "So...did we want to keep stalling or did we want to talk about what happened?"

"I don't know," she answered weakly. "I don't know if I have time to fall apart right now."

"Is that what you need right now, though?"

"I don't know if I have a choice," she whispered. "I just...I feel like if I stop moving and talking, I'm not going to have enough momentum to keep going, and then I'm just going to be stuck feeling like this for I don't know how long."

"Hey, it's okay to hurt, and it's okay to grieve, sweetie. No one is going to judge you for how you feel right now," he said softly, pulling her into his arms, and she felt the lump in her throat return with a vengeance. "It's only you and me up here."

"It shouldn't have happened like that," she all but croaked, her arms sliding around his neck as her eyes started to burn.

"I know, Anya." A sob escaped her as they stood together, and she found herself leaning on him.

"God, and he was fucking cavalier about it, even when I told him...fuck…" He seemed to understand, and his armels tightened around her as she wept.

"You couldn't lie to him, sweetie. You aren't wired like that."

"I knew that if he knew, he was going to do something stupid, and I fucking did it anyway, and then I just...didn't stop him." She drew in a shuddering breath.

"He would have figured it out, even if you hadn't said something, but he then might not have had time to fix it, then there would have been no cure, and we still would have lost him. He was going up there no matter what you said or did. All you did was let him choose whether it meant something," he responded, his voice gentle.

"I could have stopped him."

"But you shouldn't have, and you didn't. He had a choice. It is not your responsibility to feel bad for his choice. He was an adult, and he was a damn sight smarter than most. He knew what he was doing. Don't kick yourself when you're already down, Shep."

"I just want someone to blame. It's easy to be mad at me," she said softly.

"Then be mad at the dalatrass for the sabotage, or the Reapers for causing all of this to begin with. You didn't do anything wrong."

"It's not fair."

"No. No, it really isn't," he agreed, and she felt more tears leak out.

"I'm going to miss him."

"I know, sweetie. Me, too. He was a good friend."

"What the hell are we supposed to do?" she whispered with a sniff, smoothing her hands over his chest.

"We kill them, before they kill us or anyone else we care about. We show the Reapers why they never should have emerged from whatever deep space hellhole they came out of, and we stay alive. That's what we do," Garrus murmured as he pressed his forehead to hers, and she drew in a shuddering breath.

"God, we're going to make them pay." She felt a spark of anger start, deep within her, and she clung to it.

"Damn straight, we are."