Chapter 43

Anya was trembling when she made it back to her cabin, and she found herself leaning against the door when it closed behind her. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force herself to breathe evenly as she struggled against the grief welling up in her chest.

"Anya?" She didn't start at the sound of the turian's voice, even though she'd been so caught up in her sorrow that she hadn't even registered that he'd been at her desk.

"He's gone," she whispered, her eyes burning. Tears were appearing, fast and hot, and she let out a strangled sob. She opened her eyes in time to see the big man approaching her. She let him pull her into an embrace and she wept into his shoulder as he cradled her against him. Her chest ached at the soft keens that emanated from him as they stood, clinging to one another.

Several minutes passed this way, with the pair sharing their pain, before he managed to say, his voice rough, "I'm sorry, Shep."

She looked up at him, the lump in her throat agonizingly hard, and choked out, "He and Kolyat prayed for me before he went. He was just laying there, the life leaving him by inches while I watched and they...he...oh, God."

The crying began anew for her, and Garrus tightened his arms around her. He kept holding her through the pained shudders wracking her body until she managed to pull herself a little more together.

"I didn't even realize they were praying for me at first," she whispered, her voice shaking even more than her body. "They asked me to join them and it wasn't until the last line that I started to understand what was going on. I don't...why would he do that? Why would he waste his last moments on...fuck."

"Because it wasn't a waste to him," Garrus murmured, still sounding raw. "Maybe he just wanted the peace of knowing somebody or something was looking out for you."

"I'm so damn sick of our friends dying," she forced out. "I swear it hurts worse every time it happens. First Ash, then Mordin, and now Thane? I just...God I'm so tired."

She knew she sounded broken and forlorn, but she didn't care.

"I know, sweetie."

"I don't know if I can keep doing this, but I know we can't stop. I don't know how I'm supposed to make this all work. I feel like I'm losing something at every turn."

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what to tell you, Anya."

"I'm not...asking you to spoon feed me some bullshit to make me feel better, honey. I just...don't know how much more I'm going to have to lose before this is over, and that scares me."

"Hey," he murmured, pulling back enough to touch her forehead with his, and she found herself meeting his gaze.

"What?"

"I know of one person you aren't going to have to lose."

"Can you promise that?" she whispered, and he closed his eyes for a beat.

"No," he admitted, his voice rough. "I can promise that I will do everything in my power to make it to the end of this thing with you, though. I would do anything to stay by your side."

Part of her wanted to be angry with him for not just agreeing. She knew the words would have been a lie, though, and as pretty as the lie would have been, it would have just made her feel worse. She pushed her frustration away, looking down and simply nodding.

"Look at me," he entreated gently. "Please?"

She obeyed, swallowing at the tenderness in his gaze. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I know what you want to hear."

"No, it's fine, I know this is...I was asking you to promise too much, and right after I told you not to spoon feed me bullshit. That was my fault, you don't need that on your shoulders on top of-" He cut her off with a gentle kiss.

"I meant what I said. The part about doing anything to stay with you. Just...try to hold onto that?"

"I will," she managed, her throat tight.

"Good. You mean the world to me, and then some, Anya. I hope you know that."

"I do. I hope you realize that the reverse is also true. God, Garrus, I don't know what I would do if you weren't here."

"Probably the same thing you always do. Put yourself back together, get mad, then kick some ass."

"I don't know if I could manage that particular MO if I didn't have you to lean on," she admitted with a sniff and a weak smile.

"Hey, I'll be here as long as you want me to be."

"Thank you, honey. Just be prepared. I don't see myself wanting you to be anywhere else for a very long time."

He let out an approving sound, his talons now carefully sliding through her hair. "Good, because there's nowhere I would rather be."

"Good." She buried her face in his chest for a moment, taking a deep breath before she murmured, "I swear, I could sleep for a week."

"Right there with you."

"Oh, and on top of everything, guess who I spotted loitering out on the docks?"

"Not a clue," he said with a chuckle.

"Alenko. I dodged him on my way in. I was not up for dealing with him telling me everything is all my fault again."

"Not everything is not your fault."

"You're right, just most things," she grumbled.

"I'm sure he's not planning on picking a fight with you in public. Maybe he wants to clear the air. You might even get a real apology out of this."

"Fat chance. The last time we were successful in both being nice to each other was before I died. That's not great."

"I'm just saying, you never know," he murmured, his voice low.

"Alright, well, if he apologizes, how do you want me to handle it?"

"That really depends on how you want to handle it. I mean, I would definitely prefer that you didn't leave me to get back with him, but outside of that, I don't have much of a preference."

"I'm asking for your input for a reason, honey. I don't know how I want to handle it," she muttered, annoyed.

"Okay. Well, scenario one: Alenko acts like a jackass in public. How do you think you'd handle it?"

"Same way I did on Mars? Stay cordial, disengage from the conversation as soon as possible."

"Solid. Scenario two: Alenko wants to clear the air, and re-establish a professional relationship. Then what?" he asked, his voice calm.

"I mean...that would be fine, I guess. Still seems like a conversation to keep brief."

"That's fair. Three: same as two, but he's trying to go for being friends again."

"I don't...know that I'd be comfortable trying to be friends again right away. I think I would need a little time to get past all the ways he's treated me like crap since I came back," she said slowly.

"There's nothing wrong with that. Four: same as two, but he misses being your boyfriend."

"Tell him to pound sand, and leave as quickly as if it were scenario one."

"I like that. Alright, five…"

"How many of these are there?" she asked, not sure whether to laugh or be annoyed.

"I'm running out of ideas, so maybe only five."

"Fine."

"He wants to mend fences so he can come back to the Normandy." The suggestion made her take pause.

"I...don't know about that. I mean...he is a good soldier, but I feel like things would be weird since you and I are together now."

"Well, what do you think you'd do?"

"I guess...I'd have to figure out if he'd be more of an asset or a liability."

"Which way are you leaning?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm not sure if my personal feelings would cloud my judgement on this one. What do you think?"

"I think...he's a damn good marine when he gets his head out of his ass. I could deal with a little awkwardness. Even if he's on your ship, I know he's not going to be the one holding you at night."

"Okay, so...maybe let him on the ship, on the condition that he behaves like an adult?" she suggested hesitantly.

"That seems more than fair. So, six. He's admitting that he's secretly been three pyjaks in an Alliance uniform the whole time." She laughed at that, and he squeezed her gently.

"Probably throw a handful of treats and run. I don't know if Alenko of many pyjaks has had all the appropriate shots."

"Mmm, good thinking. Besides, if you end up with many more pets, there won't be room for us."

"In my defense, the only reason I have Hulk, Urz, and an entire school's worth of fish has to do with me being a person with a lot of affection to give."

"You aren't wrong. If you had much more affection to give, we'd never get out of bed," he teased, and she snorted.

"Like you'd complain."

"Not even as a joke."

"Smart man."