Chapter 43

Anya wanted to be anywhere else when Kaidan approached her in the kitchen as she ate, and for a brief moment she contemplated throwing the barely touched yogurt in the trash rather than risk talking to him for more than a few seconds. She decided against it, hitching a bland smile across her face and nodding her greeting before taking another bite.

"Commander." He stopped on the far side of the counter, not quite touching it.

"Major."

"I was...wondering if I could have a word with you?" She wanted to groan at the question.

"Shoot."

"I...know we didn't talk about this earlier, and I know that you might not want to have this conversation, but is...the whole thing with you and Garrus still...ongoing?"

"Yes, I am still in a relationship with Garrus. I invited you onto the ship because you made it sound like you want to be here and I know you're an asset in a fight. I wasn't trying to get into your pants. If that's a deal-breaker, you're welcome to leave, no hard feelings on my end. I'm sure Hackett would be over the moon to hear that you reconsidered," she said calmly, taking another bite.

"I see. So our situation is...we're done. Like, done, done?"

"I thought we were done, done back on Horizon, Kaidan."

"Ah. I...understand. It's not...I was kind of hoping we were past...all that." He seemed to be torn between worry and frustration.

"Look, I'm not mad about what happened anymore. I do get where you were coming from back then. I just...figured when that happened, we were over. It didn't sound like an 'I just need a little space and time' talk to me. Your email was a little bit more of a gray area, but really, me dying was the death knell for us. Horizon just...confirmed what I was already afraid of at the time."

"It just...seems like you got past it quick."

"Not really. I was a bitchy little wreck for a while there. Spent a lot of time second-guessing every other decision I made. I feel bad for everyone who had to put up with me until I got my shit together," she said with a snort.

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse." She didn't answer, taking another bite. "Look, I'm sorry for even bringing it up, I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's fine. All water under the bridge, right?"

"Yeah. Exactly."

"Anyway, I was actually contemplating bringing you with me for some Cerberus stomping in the near future. Would you be interested?" she offered, hoping he'd be willing to take the olive branch.

"I...would like that. Tell me about the mission."

"Some former Cerberus brains have defected, and they need an out before the Illusive Man puts them down like dogs."

"It really doesn't bother you to be fighting them now," he said, his voice holding none of the skepticism it had before.

"No, not really. Things were pretty adversarial even when we were technically working together. The Illusive Man and I never even met in person. He probably realized I'd punch him out a window if we did." Kaidan laughed at that, and she smiled for a beat.

"What's so funny?" James asked as he approached, ending up leaning on the counter next to where Kaidan stood.

"Knocking assholes out of windows," she responded cheerfully.

"I can get behind that. So, when's my next field trip?" the lieutenant asked eagerly.

"You're not going on the next one, or the one after that. Now that we're getting more bodies in here we're going to be rotating people out more often."

"C'mon, now, that's bullshit. Why am I getting cut when I actually want to be out there in the action?"

"Everybody wants in on it, James. Anyway, you need to rest occasionally or you aren't going to be worth a damn. Based on what we have going on, I need my team for the next mission to be pretty tech savvy. That makes me lean towards Garrus, Kaidan or Liara, but I want Liara fresh for that second mission." She glanced at the major. "Is that going to be a problem?"

"No, ma'am," Kaidan answered after a beat.

"Then rotate Scars out," James pressed.

"Oh, damn, James. When did you take command of the Normandy? I didn't realize you were the one giving orders now." Kaidan choked on a laugh.

"Now, c'mon, Lola. We know you're in charge, just...could you consider it? He goes on basically every mission with you, he's gotta be more tired than I am by a long shot." Anya fought to keep from rolling her eyes.

"Lola?" Kaidan seemed lost.

"James has a nicknaming problem, it's fine." She turned her attention to the lieutenant. "How about a compromise? I will rotate Garrus out for you, if you can get him to agree with it, but I really don't think he will."

"Deal. Where is he?" Anya shrugged.

"Happy hunting, lieutenant." James hurried away, and Anya was quick to pull out her omni-tool.

Hey, James is heading your way. He wants to switch with you so that he's going with me and Kaidan to Arrae. I warned him that you probably wouldn't go for it.

She took another bite of her yogurt after she sent Garrus the message.

"You warn him?" Kaidan asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Yup."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you've met me?" Her omni-tool beeped.

Yeah, that's not happening.

She snorted before replying.

Figured as much. He'll learn.

She spent a few seconds scraping the bottom of the container before tossing the small cup in the trash once the last bite was in her mouth.

"So, this is...a little weird right now. Right?"

"I'm told it goes away eventually," she said with a sympathetic look.

"I sincerely hope you're right. So, what do we do now?"

"We...keep talking. Keep working together. Maybe one day we can get back to being friends again."

"I...hope that happens. Even before...it was...nice whenever you came by to chat. We were good as friends, right?" he asked hesitantly.

"We were."

"But as a relationship, not so much?"

"Look, Kaidan...we weren't bad together. We just...wanted different things, and then the galaxy took the choice out of our hands. You wanted to focus more on your career, I wanted to share more of a connection. Eventually, you were going to feel smothered, or I was going to get tired of waiting for a commitment. It would have turned into us either drifting apart or resenting each other and one of us driving the other away. You weren't bad, but neither of us was what the other needed, not really," she said quietly.

"You're...probably right. Still, nice while it lasted."

"Yeah. But, hey. It's nice even to just...not be at each other's throats anymore. Right?"

"It definitely is. I'm sorry for...instigating. I tried really hard to pick a fight with you pretty much every time we were within spitting distance of each other. That also wasn't okay." Shame seemed to be coloring his neck, a dull red creeping upward.

"I already told you, it's fine. So, ah...on Wednesday and Saturday mornings after breakfast, Liara and I head down to the cargo hold to get some biotic practice in, if you ever wanted to join. No pressure, obviously, but...yeah. Just thought I'd offer."

"You know...once the awkward finally goes away, I think I will."

"Alright, then," she said agreeably, and he smiled.

"Okay."

"Well, I should go. Between reading up on Arrae and the after-action reports about the Citadel, I'll be lucky if I'm not stuck reading until lunch tomorrow." She glanced down when her omni-tool went off again.

"Right. Well, I need to go finish getting settled anyway. It was nice talking to you, Shepard."

"It was nice talking to you, too. And hey, not one person pulled a gun the entire time we were talking. I think we're already making progress."

He chuckled at that. "See you around, commander."

"Until then, major." He turned and started away, and she let out a long breath once he was out of earshot. She checked her message, wondering who needed her attention now.

I need backup in the cargo bay, sweetie. James isn't handling the 'no' well.

She felt her brow furrow at that.

How so?

She hurried to the elevator once her message was sent, hitting the button twice as if that would summon it faster.

He's pulling a you and internalizing things that aren't his fault.

"Shit," she muttered as the doors opened. She stepped on, struggling not to fidget on the way down. The doors couldn't open fast enough when she made it to the cargo bay, and she hurried towards the Kodiak where the two men were talking.

"Shepard." Garrus seemed relieved as she approached.

"Look, this doesn't need to be a big thing, I just want to help," James said, agitated.

"You do help, James. What's really the problem, here?"

"I don't have any problems, Lola. I just...need to be doing something."

"Okay. Why?" she asked.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I was willing to leave our home behind to fuck up the Reapers. Staying on the ship isn't fucking up the Reapers," the words coming from his mouth were clipped.

"Okay, I hear you, alright? I know it's hard to sit on your hands, but sometimes that's what needs to be done."

"Oh, yeah? When was the last time you sat on your hands while shit was going down?"

"When I was arrested," she said honestly.

"And remind me, when was the last time Scars stayed on the ship?"

"I don't remember."

"When you, Jack and Tali hit the Collector ship," Garrus murmured.

"And that was before you got locked up, right?"

"Yeah." Anya nodded.

"So what about this is fair?"

"You need to rest, James," Anya insisted.

"The hell I do."

"If you don't recharge at some point, you're going to start making mistakes. What did I say about getting yourself killed?"

"It ain't like that, Lola," he all but scoffed.

"Then explain to me what it is like. I want to understand or I wouldn't be here."

"I just...if I'm there, I can change things. I...I like you guys. This is a good crew. I don't want to lose this because of a little fatigue."

"Oh." Realization dawned on Anya.

"I just...I keep seeing all these crazy capable people around you guys, and they aren't able to make it through this bullshit, and I can't...deal with that any other way. My entire squad is gone because we couldn't handle a problem that you and your people solved with very little outside help. What the fuck can I do when even your people are dropping like this? How long until it's one of you?"

"What do you think is going to change if you're there?" she asked gently, and his shoulders sagged.

"I don't know," he admitted, looking tired. "I really don't know. I just...if it doesn't matter if I'm there or not, what does anything I do here matter? Why shouldn't I have just...stayed on Earth?"

"Because we do need you," Garrus said quietly. "A mission or two off doesn't mean that you aren't an asset."

"Then why do you never take missions off?"

"I…"

"That's my fault, lieutenant. I promised Garrus that we'd stick together. I also...feel better when he's around. He's kind of been my rock for almost as long as I've known him. It's...hard for me to trust people to begin with, but it's even harder for me to replicate the degree of faith I have in him to watch my back," Anya said honestly.

"Yeah, but how can I prove that you can trust me to keep the baddies off your back if I don't get the chance?"

"It's not a you thing. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We know how capable you are," Anya assured him, but he shook his head.

"I wish you would let me prove it anyway," James said, his voice tired.

"I...I'm okay with giving up Arrae, on three conditions," Garrus said after a beat, and she looked at him, surprised.

"What are they?" James asked skeptically.

"First and foremost, no matter how crazy things get, you make sure she," he nodded at Anya, "comes back in one piece."

"Okay."

"Secondly, I genuinely believe you should at least try talking to Dr. Chakwas. Stressing out over not going on a mission or two to this extent is a problem, and the sooner you take care of it, the better all three of us will feel."

"I don't need to see the doc."

"Then you don't need to go to Arrae," Garrus said firmly.

"That's bullshit."

"That's your choice. I'm not going to be the only one compromising."

"What do you even want me to talk to her about?" he asked.

"Well, the anxiety seems like a good starting place," Anya pointed out.

"I'm fine, I just...I'm just a little stressed. I'll sleep better after the mission."

"So it's insomnia that's the issue?"

"It's not an issue," he snapped.

"Maybe Chakwas should be the judge of that?" Garrus suggested.

"Look, you guys, I know you mean well, but I don't need help, I just need to work. This is my job, I don't need a damn crutch."

"It's not a crutch. If you had high blood pressure, would you be so hellbent on not doing something about it? Or...or diabetes, or whatever?"

"That's different, Lola."

"No, James, it's not. Hell, even if it was, who cares?" she asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Everyone in the military cares. You know that just as well as I do."

"Well, I don't. If you need help, get help. What the fuck can I even say about it? 'Oh, no, there goes James, finally joining those of us who take care of our psyches.' It's not like you're alone in this."

"Are you...do you...take something?" the lieutenant asked haltingly.

"Sleep aid, every other night. I wish I hadn't waited so long to start."

"I never would have thought...shit. Earlier, I was...I didn't mean any harm."

"I'm not even worried about it. I just...think Garrus has a point, okay? I think talking to Chakwas could be good for you. I know it was good for me." Anya shrugged, looking away.

"I just...okay, so...if I talk to the doc, what's number three?"

"You need to come back in one piece, too. Do we have a deal, lieutenant?"

A small smile started across James's face. "I...I think we do."