Chapter 47

"Holy shit," Anya murmured to herself as she entered the lounge.

"Seconded," Kaidan agreed, looking up from his drink. "You joining me, commander?"

"May as well. I don't know if I'm in shock or celebrating, though."

"You can figure it out later. What're you having?"

"I don't know. What says, 'I can't believe we found a living, breathing prothean?'" she asked with a grin.

"Something...strong, probably. I went with bourbon."

"Mmm, then whiskey for me." She hurried to grab herself a glass, then snagged the bottle she needed.

"That still blows my mind," he said conversationally as she poured herself a little.

"That I drink whiskey?"

"That you settle for anything less than Kentucky bourbon if you're drinking whiskey. Absolute madness."

She snorted. "I'm just not a snob."

"You mean you just don't have standards."

"I mean that if it has a lower alcohol content and a higher price point, I'm not buying it unless it tastes marvelous, and let's be real, even really good bourbon doesn't taste great." She took a quick drink.

"So now you're willing to admit that you're just uncultured?" he teased.

"I was basically raised by wolves and hobos, you're all lucky I keep my damn elbows off the table."

He laughed at that. "Fair enough."

Silence stretched between them for a long moment before it began to become uncomfortable. She managed, "I think Liara is still in shock."

He seemed more than willing to jump on the topic, immediately saying, "Oh, man, I'll bet. How crazy must this be for her right now?"

"Absolutely insane. I don't know if this is a nightmare for her or a dream come true."

"My money is on both. Possibly at the same time."

"Poor Liara," she said quietly before taking a sip.

"She'll be alright. She's almost as tough as she is smart," Kaidan reminded her, and she nodded.

"And I'll be damned if that woman isn't smart."

"I'll drink to that," Kaidan said, taking a drink of his own. The lull in conversation made Anya want to grimace, before Kaidan volunteered, "So, this is still kind of awkward, right?"

"Oh, thank God, it isn't just me," she murmured, relieved.

"I'm not a complete idiot, believe it or not."

"I never said you were."

"I'm just saying. So...why is this still weird?" he asked, exasperated.

"I don't know! It shouldn't be. I mean, we've talked all this out, I know I'm good from a closure perspective. What else is there for us to even clear the air about?" she groaned.

"I...might not be...sitting quite as pretty as you on the closure front," Kaidan admitted, looking pained.

"Fucking hell."

"I know, I know...I just...damn it, I shouldn't have said anything."

"I...appreciate your candor," she managed with a wince.

"This is...worse."

"So much worse."

"I am so sorry," he said, burying his face in his hands for a beat.

"I believe you. Okay. Okay. So, what is messing up the closure department on your end?"

"If the last thirty seconds have taught me anything, it's that silence is golden."

"Just rip the damn band-aid off," she pressed, and he nodded after a beat.

"I think...we had...different ideas of when our relationship ended, and I still have some...unresolved feelings on top of that, and it's...not great."

"What are you holding onto?" she asked quietly, her brow furrowed.

"I...I loved you. You died. It...was a lot, even with just that. I grieved, and I put myself back together, and then there you were, invalidating all of what I went through, just by being there, and everything in me just became this awful, angry mess. Hell, I know I was an asshole for a while there, too, which helped absolutely nothing. It just made you feel bad. I'm still sorry for that. It's just a lot more to unpack than I originally thought it was going to be."

"So...what do we do about this?"

"I really dunno, Shep." He cleared his throat before asking, "Do you want me to leave the Normandy?"

"I don't know. You can't just...fucking hell."

"Yeah."

"You understand that I'm not leaving Garrus, right?" she queried after a beat, and he nodded.

"Kinda figured. I'm not asking for you to do anything, this is...I know this is my thing to handle. You can't process my emotions for me, commander."

"Would leaving make it easier to deal with?"

"I don't think so." His voice was quiet.

"Then what's the best course of action to get us where we need to be?"

"I think...maybe we need to take a step back for a little bit. I know it's tempting to try to get back to...normal, I guess, as quickly as possible, but seeing you, talking with you, drinking with you, it's...I feel like I keep crossing my wires every time."

"So...we need to cut back on the friendly for a while."

He swallowed. "I...think so. I'm sorry for even asking for this after everything else you've done and been through for me. I know that asking you for anything is too much, I just...don't know what else to do."

"No, no, it's fine. I get it. I'll...finish this and head out, okay?"

"Don't. Don't let me run you out of the bar, I'll go. I'm the one with the hangups, I should be the one making concessions, here. Hell, this is your ship."

"That doesn't mean that I get to be a jerk to everyone trapped onboard with me," she said, exasperated.

"I know, I just…"

"Look, I have work that needs to get done anyway, one more or less celebratory drink was already my limit, okay? It's fine."

"I still feel like an ass right now," he said with a slight wince.

"I'm telling you not to worry about it, major." She drained the last of her drink and hurried to clean up after herself.

"Right. Well, I hope you and the big guy have a nice evening, commander."

"We're going to try. Take it easy."

"You, too."

Anya left without a glance back, wondering if Garrus was likely to have gone up to the cabin already. She headed towards the elevator, eager to see the turian again, all but bouncing on the balls of her feet as she waited for the doors to open. She stepped inside as soon as they did, and waited impatiently as the platform rose. The moment she was off the elevator, she crossed to her door, and she grinned to see him at her desk once she was in the room.

"Hey, honey. What are you up to?"

"Updating the Primarch. Not a very good...what did you call it? Honeypot? If he hears about our new friend too late."

Anya laughed at that. "You're definitely a good honeypot."

"I'm good at a lot of things," he said with a quick grin, and she couldn't help smiling herself.

"You really are."

"What were you up to?"

"Well, I was planning on getting us set up to celebrate finding Javik, but Kaidan was already at the bar. That was a weird ten minutes," she grumbled, and he chuckled.

"Oh?"

"Apparently he still has feelings for me. We talked about that, and decided that we probably shouldn't hang out for a bit."

"Mmm. If that's what you think is best, sweetie. I wasn't planning on forcing you two to spend time together anyway," he murmured as he typed.

"Oh, yeah?"

"I could tell he still isn't over you. Hell, even James noticed. That's just...sad, honestly."

"How did I not pick up on it until now?" she asked, annoyed.

"Maybe you didn't want to, or maybe you have been and didn't realize that's what you were noticing? You've talked about how weird and tense things are between you two more than once."

"Well...still. I'm irked."

"I'm sorry, Anya. How can I help?" he asked, turning to face her more fully.

"You can't. Not really. This is a time thing, and a him thing. Hands off seems like the best approach from where I'm sitting."

"I definitely don't disagree, just be careful. I'm worried that he's in a place where encouraging him even a little is going to put the whole awkward thing back at square one."

"I definitely wasn't planning on it," she assured him.

"Just warning you. He'll be writing you love notes within ten minutes if you invite him up here and he sees that." He jerked a thumb at the down-turned photograph that kept getting shuffled around on the desk.

"Does it bother you? I swear, I'm just being lazy. I will walk it down there and trash it right now if that's what you want," Anya said seriously.

"I don't care about a photo, Shep. Keep it up here forever, for all it matters, in the grand scheme of things. You aren't waltzing around, wearing Kaidan's marks, last time I checked," Garrus retorted with a snort.

"I'm just saying that if-"

"Anya, stop worrying about it. It really isn't an issue. Now, if it were a racy picture, I'd probably be a little uncomfortable, but it's not. I don't think you're secretly pining for Alenko right now. Spirits, I had love letters from my early school days scattered around my old room up until I joined C-Sec. I still find them every now and then. It's not because I'm still holding a candle for a girl I knew when I was nine, I just often have more important things to do than detail clean my old room. You definitely have more important things to do than stress over a photo. It's fine." Garrus waved a hand as he spoke, and Anya smiled.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"Mmm, I like where this is going. Tell me more," he teased, and she laughed outright. He stretched a hand out toward her languidly, and she immediately moved to slide hers into his. He gently pulled her closer and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in for a hug with his head on the level of her waist.

"Let's see, you're sweet, and smart, and funny, and sometimes you're just so sexy that I can barely stand it," she murmured and he let out a pleased noise.

"Is that so?"

"Oh, definitely." She let her fingertips trail down his shoulder, along his arm.

"Anything I can do to make it easier for you to handle?"

"I'm not sure. All I know is there are times that I can't help feeling like I need to touch you."

"You don't say?" he rumbled, and she felt her cheeks heat.

"Mhmm."

"Does it bother you when you can't touch me?"

"Of course it does. I love touching you."

"No, what I mean is...if we were in a situation where you were trapped, and couldn't touch me back, but I could still touch you, would you be good bothered or bad bothered?"

She stilled for a beat. "Are you asking if I want you to tie me up?"

"I'm asking if you're interested, yes. You like it when I pin you, maybe you'll enjoy it if we take it a little further."

She thought for a moment before she answered. "Why not? It could be fun."

"Not quite the response I was expecting," he said with a chuckle. "Is that something you've already tried before?"

"Once," she answered honestly. "It was fine. I think it would be better with you, though."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"I feel like most kinky things are better with someone who you can trust."

"And you trust me." It wasn't a question.

"Implicitly," she answered softly anyway, and she felt his hand tighten for a beat before he tugged her into his lap outright.

"I trust you, too," he murmured, enveloping her in his arms.

"And now we have circled right back to you being amazing," she said with a kiss. He seemed pleased with her words, letting out a little hum.

"We have the best conversations…"