Okay, on with the latest. This chapter was a little tough to get down on word document but I think it turned out okay. Hope anyone reading will too. Thanks so much lipamo, Bookworm, EpicStelena, indigo and Shockey for the reviewage! Also thanks so much to anyone who checked out Still Not Okay. I was very hesitant about that fic but I'm so glad it was enjoyed. Take this as you will!
One Week Later
After making her way down the hallway, reaching his room Carrie knocked twice. Taking a breath and forcing herself not be nervous. Remembering that Saul was one of her best friends, had seen her at her worst and seen her through some of her worst fuck-ups. He cared about her. He'd be happy that she'd found a little peace, wasn't destined for life alone. She hoped that he would be anyway.
"C'mon in.", Saul said as the nurse in his room rolled her eyes at him.
"What? Would you rather I sit here and let my brain atrophy in front of the fucking TV?", he asked, getting Carrie smirking and the nurse glaring.
"Mr. Berenson, you need to recuperate. And visiting hours-"
"Just started. Please don't try and tell me otherwise. I was in a coma for a couple months. Didn't revert back to being a couple months old."
Rolling her eyes at his snarky tone, the older woman stepped out as Carrie's grin broadened.
"Jesus. You've only been awake a week and you're already snapping at anyone that moves.", she laughed.
"It's getting goddamn difficult not to.", Saul grumped, then catching sight of the wall clock frowned. "It's only 9:30. You taking an early lunch?", he asked, then saw the sweatshirt and yoga pants she was wearing. "You just roll out of bed?"
"Saul..."
Hearing the tone in her voice and seeing her quickly wipe at her eyes, Saul's frown changed to a concerned look. "Carrie? What the fuck is going on?"
Swallowing hard she spoke after a beat.
"It's a long story."
"Well we've got plenty of time..."
After she'd finished, Saul sat quietly, contemplatively, not sure of what to say but knowing whatever he did say wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. Carrie was out at the Agency. Galvez was in, and Brody was cleared. As cleared as the goddamn son of a bitch could possibly be cleared anyway.
Everything was done. All that was left for him was to figure out how to deal. Seeing Carrie's face though Saul sensed she wasn't dealing well at all. He guessed her saying it all aloud had solidified it. Made it real for her. Now it was all tearing her up.
"I needed to go through with it, Saul.", she said softly. "I didn't have a choice."
"Of course you had a choice. And you made it. A long ass time ago from the looks of things.", Saul sighed. "But it's okay. It has to be."
"How can you say that to me?!", Carrie snorted. "I've done what you've been petrified I'd do since I met Brody. But suddenly everything's alright?"
"Everything is what it is. And there's not a damn thing I can do to change it."
"Well I don't buy you being so fucking zen about it!", she snapped as he sighed again, shook his head.
"Carrie, I just woke up a week ago from a goddamn fucking coma. And I'm stuck in this bed listening to you tell me that your entire career has blown up in your face."
"Interesting choice of words.", Carrie spat, getting an exasperated look.
"But what do you want me to do exactly? Yell and rant and rave? Have you thrown out of here because of the choices you've made?", Saul asked.
"You're a grown woman, Carrie. I'm your mentor, not your father. I don't have the right to say a goddamn thing to you. Not about this."
"But say something!", Carrie cried. "Please, Saul."
"Fine. Fine. I'll...I'll fucking say this much. Sit."
Obeying, she perched in the arm chair by his bed, looking on edge and slightly agitated as she fidgeted, wrung her hands. Then frowned when she saw Saul shaking his head, lightly laughing at her.
"What?"
"That day at Princeton, when you walked into the recruitment meeting? You sat in front of me that same fucking way."
"What way?"
"Fidgety, alert. I thought it was nerves. And then you started talking to me. Had more confidence than any of the schmucks I interviewed that day.", he smiled.
"You wound up being the best recruit I ever had. You've got a gift for the work that we do. Back in the Stone Age a superior to me, someone I respected, told me the exact same words. That I should keep at it. So I did. I felt like I was serving, protecting. That I could use my mind more than a gun. The work I did was valuable, and I knew it. But I knew what it was costing me too. It cost Mira and I a chance at having a family. I know that hurt her more than it did me, much as she says that I'm enough for her. I know it was painful for me being separated from her so much. But I accepted it. I was devoted enough to the Agency. The day I met you I saw that same devotion. And more fucking moxie than I ever had.", he said, getting her laughing.
"If you and I had to we could team up to save what's left of humanity. The trouble is that we're human too. If it comes down to it we're gonna sacrifice ourselves for the humanity we care about the most. I took a bullet for Farrah. And if I had to I'd do it all over again. You sacrificed your life at the Agency to save what you believe is your best chance at not being alone. You're petrified of that. For good reason. It's a shitty way to live."
"But what about who I'm not being alone with?", Carrie asked. "What about the way I went about it? You told me so many times that I'd be throwing my fucking life away if I chose to be with Brody. And now you're completely content we're together?!", she snorted disbelievingly.
"Not completely.", Saul said gruffly. "But I don't fucking have a say, Carrie. The only opinion that matters here is yours. It's your life. So the question you ought to be asking here is if you're content."
"I..."
"I know you love him. That's goddamn obvious. But are you content with him? Sharing a life with him for the rest of yours. Can you imagine being that, having that with anyone else besides Sergeant Nicholas Brody?"
Shaking her head, Carrie shrugged, blinked back tears before biting her lip.
"I'm not gonna judge you for it if that's what you're afraid of."
"Saul, I-"
"And if you can't answer the question for me, there's no fucking way you can answer it for yourself."
"You interrupted me.", she said before a smile crept onto her face. Nodding she lightly laughed. "No. I can't Saul."
"Well, guess that's all I needed to hear.", Saul smiled, reaching to squeeze her hand. "And I guess one silver lining is the baby is going to have the both of you. A kid deserves to be raised by both it's parents."
"I was wondering when you were going to weigh in on that.", Carrie sighed.
"You mentioned as much to me in the monologue you gave when you came in. And even under that sweatshirt you're starting to show. Mazel tov, by the way.", he said, getting her smiling.
"Thanks. There's something I want to ask you though."
Seeing her nervousness Saul frowned. "What is it, I-"
"I want you to be its godfather.", she asked quickly, almost too quick for him to hear her.
"I..."
"I know it's a lot to ask. That it's so fucking strange of me to even ask..."
"Carrie-"
"I mean I'm an Athiest. And you're Jewish and then there's Brody who's Muslim. I don't even know how the fuck that's going to factor in, but-"
"Carrie..."
"But you protected, Farrah.", Carrie said as tears prickled in her eyes, the back of her throat. "You...took a bullet for her. If it hadn't been for you I don't know what would've fucking..."
"Listen to me, Carrie. Farrah's fine. I am too. And, I'd be honored."
"You would?"
"Of course I would.", Saul laughed.
"Okay. Good.", she smiled before he nodded for her to come closer. Doing so she gently side hugged him, careful not to disturb the IV or his bandages. In spite of that though when a nurse came in, Carrie was met with a look.
"Miss Mathison I need to escort you back to your room. Abby's orders."
Nodding, Carrie shifted off the bed, stood up. "I'll try and come back and visit."
"Looking forward to it.", Saul smiled. When the nurse went to lead Carrie out she snapped at her, said she was capable of leaving a room on her own before doing so.
Rolling her eyes, the nurse went to make a note in her file, catching a look from Saul.
"Hey, wait a second. Just..wait a second. I don't think that's necessary."
"Excuse me?"
"Carrie and I just finished a pretty heavy discussion in here. It stirred up a lot for her. Factor hormones into that and of course she's gonna be snappy."
"Abby's going to want to know that she-"
"Look, Abby and I both have Carrie's best interests at heart. Her and I are friends. I wouldn't withhold anything serious from her or ask you to omit anything important. I just don't see why this is.", Saul argued as the nurse shrugged.
"Look if it'll make you feel better send Abby down here. I'll talk to her about it in person."
Shrugging, the nurse paged her before stepping out to finish her rounds. Five minutes later Abby knocked, walked in the room with a smile.
"Well, you're looking much better!"
"Eh I wouldn't go that far. But thanks.", Saul smiled.
"What's going on?"
"I just had a long talk with Carrie. It went fine, cleared a lot of the air between us. But the nurse sent down to bring her back got some attitude from her. Went to make a note on some fucking chart."
"Listen, Saul. I know that Carrie can be a little volatile."
"That's putting things mildly.", he snorted.
"But I know when I need to be concerned about her and when to just give her a little space. I'm sure that this was the latter. I'm glad that the two of you talked, I wouldn't want to discourage that."
"I'm glad you feel that way. 'Cause I was thinking, if our schedules here allow it, maybe she can build coming down here into her routine. I sure could use the company and I'm sure she feels the same way."
"I don't know, Saul.", Abby sighed. "I mean I just don't want to make any promises I can't keep. Like you said it would have to be built into her schedule."
"Well what's that consist of? Group therapy and fucking arts and crafts?", Saul scoffed. "We're in the same damn hospital, Abby. It shouldn't be that big of an adjustment to send her down here for an hour a day.", he grumbled.
"Sounds like you're looking for an adjustment to your schedule too.", Abby smiled, sensing Saul was after this for his own benefit as much as Carrie's.
"I just woke up from a coma. Can't I be a little goddamn selfish?", he asked, getting a light laugh.
"Of course. Look I'll see what I can do. But don't mention a word to Carrie about it. I don't want her getting her hopes up only to be disappointed."
"Yeah, that makes two of us.", Saul nodded in agreement only to hear another knock on the door.
"Since when did I get so fucking popular.", he frowned as Abby laughed, stepped outside and out of the visitor's path. Once seeing him, and more importantly the angered look on his face Saul frowned. Wondered what the hell was going on now.
"Danny? What's wrong? What-"
"I need to fucking talk to you."