Okay, here's the latest. This chapter was a difficult one to get out (as it turned into something drastically different from what I originally plotted out. I'm not kidding about this thing having a life of it's own. Agh.
Anyway, take it as you will. More to come soon. And thanks so much CSI Encyclopedia, lipamo and indigo. and Bookworm, sorry in advance for the emotional here taking a different direction. :/
The first to wake, Brody forget for a moment where he was, how the fuck he'd gotten there, until it registered that his head was in Carrie's lap and they were on the carpeted chapel floor. Seeing an orangey glow coming through the stained glass window, he realized they'd been asleep for awhile. The sun was already starting to set.
"Carrie. Hey, Carrie.", he said, gently shaking her shoulder after sitting up. He was worried she'd get into trouble for being out of her room so long, but he hated disturbing her when she looked so peaceful.
When she let out a soft groan, adjusted herself against the wall and curled her arm more around her belly, his feelings tripled.
"Carrie. Care..eee.", he sang before moving closer, kissing the side of her face, her lips. Knowing if that didn't wake her he was doing something wrong.
"Open your eyes, love. C'mon." Budding his nose against her's, he smiled when her eyes fluttered open, focused on his. "Hey."
"Hi.", Carrie mumbled, rubbing her eyes before they darted around, surveyed the space. "We slept."
"How observant of you.", he teased, getting a glare. "It's okay though. We've had a long fucking day."
"Yeah." Nodding Carrie stretched her neck, looked behind her at the window. "Shit. It's almost over. Gonna be dark soon."
"I tell you, you and those observations."
"Shut up.", she spat, hitting him on the arm. The movement though caused something to almost slip from her sweatshirt pocket. Before Brody could see the small envelope though she concealed it, stood up.
"Hey, where do you think you're going?"
"Away from the Marine that's mocking me."
Smirking, Brody watched curiously as she crossed the chapel, approached a table near the altar with rows of candles arranged on it. Then frowned when she reached for a long match to light one.
"What's that for? Or who's it for, rather?", he asked, standing up.
"Hey, you know I'm not religious.", Carrie scoffed.
"Well I wasn't either until my fucking world imploded.", Brody replied, approaching her as she lit one of the candles.
"Guess this is a superstitious way of making sure mine doesn't." Shrugging, she blew out the match before discarding it.
"It won't, okay. It won't.", Easing his arms around Carrie's waist, Brody kissed the top of her head.
"Well maybe I'm making sure yours doesn't again either.", she said softly, turning around in his arms to face him as he sighed.
"Listen, Carrie..I know everything with Chris..."
"No, Brody, you don't-"
"Look, if I didn't know how much I fucked up with him already, today solidified it.", he said bitterly. Sitting down on the closest pew Carrie shrugged, sat down next to him.
"Dana said she'd try talking to him.", Carrie reminded. "Maybe once Faber recuperates he won't be as riled up. More receptive towards you."
"Maybe. But who knows. Today just..."
"Yeah. But things may have to get worse before they can better.", she shrugged. Thinking about everything she'd seen from Chris and how it reminded her way too much of outbursts that she'd seen from her dad, that she'd had herself. Part of her felt like she should clue Brody into that. Or into another fear that had crossed her mind, scared her awake and into a cold sweat. But instead she stayed quiet, held his hand a little tighter.
"Carrie?"
"Yeah, what?"
"I asked you if you were alright and you didn't answer. Just took a death grip on my hand.", Brody said, looking at her with concern as she swallowed hard, let go.
"Look, I apologize for what Chris was saying about you.", he said. "His anger was aimed at me. He has no reason to hate you. If it shook you up, I-"
"It didn't. He can feel however he fucking wants to about me. I just, the way he was acting reminded me-"
"Of what?"
"Nothing. I...nothing.", Carrie dodged, catching a look.
"You're being evasive."
"Yeah well, I'm fucking trained to be.", she scoffed as he moved closer, turned her face towards his. When he saw her eyes clouded over his concern tripled.
"Carrie..."
"There just was something that crossed my mind. Af...after the sonogram."
"What?"
"The very real chance that the baby winds up having my illness.", she said softly before shuddering.
"Carrie, you don't...you won't know that until-"
"Until they're older, I know."
Seeing how visibly shaken she was talking about this, when she stood up, started pacing Brody anticipated it, got into her path.
"Hey...hey. Take it easy, it's okay."
"No! It's not-"
"Did anything pop up during the sonogram that worried the doctor?", he cut off. "Any abnormalities or things like that?"
"No.", Carrie shrugged. "Dr. Addison said the baby was perfectly healthy. That things looked good."
"Then focus on that. Look, if the baby winds up having your condition we'll be equipped to deal with it. Look at all the resources you've got, everything you already know firsthand. You think I haven't done some research on it too?"
"Wait, what?", she frowned.
"You remember how you said back when we were separated you did research on Islam? Said it was a way you were keeping me close?", Brody asked, getting a nod. "Well you can find books on bipolar disorder in Europe too."
"So you actually..."
"I was curious. And I figured knowing more about it would keep me from being scared off by it.", he shrugged.
"This is something we can manage if we have to, Carrie. It's not something I want keeping you up at night."
"Unfortunately that's something I'm just used to.", Carrie sighed, stepping around him.
"Carrie. For Christ's sake, I-"
"Look I'm sorry you can't just talk me down about this, but buying a few books on bipolar disorder isn't the same as dealing with it on a goddamn daily basis!", she snapped as she turned around, taking him aback.
"You're right, I know too fucking much about it firsthand. First from my father and then from my final year of college when I almost flunked out after my fucking flight. I know what it did to my family. And that until you I was content going the rest of my life without having one.
But now we're fifteen weeks in and with a fifty fifty chance that the baby will have this bullshit to deal with when they're about the age of your son. And after seeing how much his outburst affected you? Seeing it scare you, shut you down, send you running the fuck away?"
Voice cracking Carrie shook her head. "Better to a chapel though than a fucking convenience store. Right?", she scoffed, squeezing her eyes shut against tears as she swore under her breath.
"Hey..hey!" Getting to his feet Brody turned her around and towards him.
"Carrie look at me. Look at me, goddammit!", he growled.
Doing so Carrie's eyes were narrowed, flashing with unshed tears while Brody's stormed over.
"And listen because I'm only going to say this to you once.", he said before taking a breath, lowering his voice slightly.
"I'm not running out on you, or Farrah, or our baby. I love him or her, Farrah, and you more than my own fucking life. And I've already lost enough. Whatever the fuck happens we'll deal with it. You and me. Same as we've dealt with every other fucked up thing that's come between us. You can try to push me away to protect me and you and us from your condition, but it's not gonna work.
I don't give a shit if you go into a flight and have a psychotic break or if you get so depressed you can't leave the fucking couch. I'll fucking stay with you. I'll help you and try to learn from it, so if someday our son or daughter has to deal with the bullshit that you do, I'll know how to help them too. However I fucking can.", he insisted as she scoffed, crossed her arms and looked down and away from him.
"You know that I'm not your mom who stopped giving a shit and left you behind by choice. I know that I'm not much but I'm better than that. Because of you I know I'm better than that. And don't you dare imply because I was unprepared to handle Chris today that I'm gonna run out on him to the furthest fucking CVS. I've had plenty of things to be scared of in my life but a boy who I love isn't one of them. You of all fucking people ought to know that." Shaking his head bitterly he turned on his heel, headed to the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?!", Carrie spat.
"Take a fucking guess!"
Watching him leave, chin quivering she sniffed back tears. "Fuck. FUCK!", she choked out, sinking back onto the pew.
Seeing as nobody else was around she lay down on it, stretching her legs as she ran a hand through her hair. Forced herself to take deep breaths. With the entire ugly exchange replaying on loop in her mind, she knew that Brody had valid points, reasons to be frustrated.
But going after him now with both their tempers so high wouldn't accomplish much, aside from her stress level going through the roof. There was also her pride to think about too.
Reaching into her sweatshirt pocket she pulled out the small square shaped envelope, tore the seal to take out the sonogram photo. Dr. Addison had made sure to choose an angle that didn't give anything away about the sex, knowing Brody wouldn't want to be spoiled about anything. Knowing though she'd spoiled things enough tonight she shoved the picture back in her pocket, curled up in a small ball on the too narrow bench.