((AN - POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING - Brief mention of suicidal thoughts/ideation in this chapter.))
AJ deftly grabbed Mattie's shoulders and sat her in a chair just as her knees buckled. "Breathe kiddo. I need you to breathe, Mattie."
Seconds ticked by like days as they stood there helpless. Mac crumpled into a chair and brought her hands to her face. She closed her eyes and pictured Harm laughing, then the way he'd looked at her in his apartment that night when he was packing for the move to London which he would give up to be with her… Maybe Webb was right; if she believed he would be okay, if she pictured him strong and healthy and alive it would be enough to pull him through.
One minute passed.
She pictured him running through the park with her, laughing as he passed her… In his dress whites smiling that mischievous smile he always used when he was flirting… Dancing with him on the sand outside their hut in Mexico on the first vacation they had taken together…
One minute passed.
The way he'd held her after they made love for the first time… Sitting by the fireplace in their backyard on warm, summer nights… The sound of his voice as he had looked into her eyes and said "I love you" the night they spent camping in the desert…
One minute passed.
The way his hand felt in hers as they relaxed together reading on the sofa in the evening… The way he smelled after the campfire on the beach when Mikey graduated the academy… How he looked in his blues, observing her from the table of opposing counsel…
One minute passed.
The way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at her… How he sang to her as he played his guitar in their living room… The feeling of his hands on her hips when he snuck up behind her in the morning as she made breakfast.
One minute passed.
How his hands felt on her bare skin as he gently slid them beneath her t-shirt and slid his palms slowly to the swell of her breasts while kissing the side of her neck from behind her… The way he held her to himself, firm but always tender, his arousal pressing obviously into her back as he moved against her… The quiet, low, growl of a moan that she was certain he didn't even realize rumbled through him when he was on the edge of losing control…
One minute passed.
Mac didn't realize she had begun whispering into her hands. Repeating the Farsi phrase he had sent her over and over again like a mantra, she lost track of time as she focused on the words and the pictures of him that she held in her mind. They couldn't end like this; there was too much to atone for and too much still unsaid.
Eventually, a sound broke through and pulled her from the near trance-like state.
"Doctor, how is he?" Bud asked quietly.
"He crashed quite suddenly, but we were able to revive him. A sudden crash like that isn't completely uncommon after a major surgical procedure, he seems to have come out of it doing slightly better than before. His vitals have stabilized now and his O2 sats have come up a little, which is a good sign. He still has a long road to go before we can say he's out of the woods, but I'm cautiously optimistic. Captain Rabb is clearly one hell of a fighter." She sighed. "I would tell you all to go home, get some rest and that we'll call you when we have any updates, but I know better." She grinned and touched Bud's shoulder lightly. "The green chairs are more comfortable than the blue ones," she added before heading back down the hall in the direction of Harm's room.
Bud sat down in the chair beside Mac.
"If anyone can beat the odds, it's Harm," he said quietly to her. She nodded and exhaled a shaky breath. "Can I get you anything? Water, coffee, tea?"
"No thank you, Bud." She looked at him now and really saw him for the first time since she'd arrived. "You look exhausted. You and Harriet should go get some rest."
"We're both okay. And we're not leaving."
"You're a good man, Bud. Harriet is a very lucky woman," Mac told him.
"I am," Harriet agreed as she walked up to them. "Sweetheart, would you mind getting me a coffee from the cafeteria. The stuff they have up here is horrible."
"Sure thing," Bud nodded. He squeezed Mac's shoulder before he walked away.
Harriet took his seat and spoke very softly. "Harm's strong, Mac."
"When you heard that Bud had been wounded, when we didn't know if he was going to make it, how did you get through it?" Mac whispered to her.
"I cried, a lot. I nearly passed out in the Admiral's office when he told me, he actually had to hold me up." Harriet closed her eyes at the memory. "I hated anyone and anything that had led to him being there at that exact moment. I hated God. I hated AJ for giving him the assignment, and Jennifer for not stepping on the landmine instead of him." She paused as she remembered that afternoon and felt that heaviness in her chest.
"Hell, I even hated you and Harm for encouraging him to excel at his job; I thought maybe if he wasn't so good he wouldn't have been out on that deployment. I was angry, terrified and heartbroken." She drew a deep breath before looking Mac in the eye. "I thought about suicide; I was sure I couldn't live without him and I knew that there was a bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom at home. It was only for a minute, as soon as I thought of Little AJ it was over and I never thought of it again, but I wanted so much to give up for that one moment." She realized it was the first time she had admitted it to anyone other than her therapist. Harriet reached over and gently touched Mac's knee. "This isn't your fault, Mac."
"Isn't it?" Mac closed her eyes as fresh tears slid down her cheeks. "I pushed him away. I kept putting off getting married because I was selfish and afraid; I pushed him so far away that he returned to active duty and it put him on that carrier."
"I understand feeling way, maybe better than most people could. I blamed myself for Bud being wounded too. I was wrong to blame myself just like I was wrong for blaming everyone else; like you're wrong for blaming yourself now." Harriet smiled a little before adding "What do you think Harm would tell you if he were standing around the corner listening to us talk?"
"That I'm the reason our relationship never worked. The reason why he's here."
"Really, you think that's what he would be saying to you if he walked up to us right this minute, saw you looking the way you do and saying everything you just did? That doesn't sound like Harm to me." Harriet raised her eyebrows as she tilted her head. "I'm serious; what do you think he would be saying to you in this moment?"
"He'd probably tell me not to cry because he's going to pull through. Say that it was just a freak accident and to focus on the fact that he's still alive and has no intention of that changing." Mac took a deep breath and shook her head. "Then he'd probably make some smartass comment about crybaby Marines and tell me to be strong for Mattie."
"Now that sounds like Harm." Harriet smiled. "Hang onto those words. Hear them in his voice in your head, in your heart."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Bud was wounded," Mac whispered through a fresh flood of tears.
"But you were, both you and Harm. You both risked your careers to be there with him. That was being there for me. And now Bud and I and everyone else, we're all here for you and Harm. That's what family does; we get each other through the worst times."
"Family also provides much needed caffeine," Bud remarked as he handed a paper cup to each of them.
"Thank you, Bud." Mac held the cup, feeling the heat radiating through the thin paper wall and realized how cold her hands were. She realized that she was probably coming off borderline shock. "Thank you both."
"We're never far." Harriet assured her with a grin and a nod. She and Bud then walked across to a separate bank of seats and sat together, speaking quietly.
Mac forced herself to drink the coffee. It seemed excessively sweet, but that was probably by design on Bud's part. He was likely trying to get some sugar into her. By the time she finally finished the cup the liquid inside was cold, but she scarcely noticed the difference. She was lost in her memories of Harm again.
"Mac, it's been two hours. You should go in and see him." Mattie had come to sit beside her at some point and she hadn't realized it.
"It's better if you go in, your dad needs to know you're here."
"He does know that I'm here. He needs to know that you're here too." Mattie insisted. "I know how much you don't want to walk into that room, but he needs to hear your voice and feel you there. Please Mac."
Mac nodded and stood. Her body ached and she just now realized how long it had been since she'd collapsed into the chair. She stretched before she tossed her coffee cup into the trash can. She looked at Mattie again who nodded silently. Mac nodded back and walked down the hallway to room 921. The doctor was there and smiled at her.
"He's still stable, Colonel Mackenzie."
"Any improvement?" Mac asked as she hesitated at the nurses' station, looking toward his room.
"Some, his heartrate and O2 sats have improved slightly in the last hour," she replied. "We still have the breathing tube in, but that will have to stay until we can be certain that the lung we had to remove part of is fully functional and not leaking. Until then, we'll keep it in place; we don't want to have to re-intubate if he crashes again."
"When he crashed earlier, how long was he…" Mac's voice faltered.
"He was without a heartbeat for approximately five and a half minutes, Colonel. However, we began compressions after roughly thirty seconds so he wasn't without oxygenated blood circulation for very long. We don't believe that there will be any adverse effects from the cardiac arrest." The doctor watched as Mac nodded and looked hesitantly toward the door. "Colonel?" she waited for Mac to look back at her before continuing. "He's in good hands, and he's clearly very strong and strong willed. His tenacity will be one of his best assets in this fight."
"It always has been," Mac nodded. She slipped into the hospital room and went to his bedside. As she looked down at him, she felt that gaping pit opening beneath her again. She felt like she was imploding as she took in his condition. In addition to the sickening looking breathing tube, there were wraps around his left arm for the burns, the bandage on his face, there was no part of him that didn't look like it had been through fifteen rounds against a prize fighter. She felt a wave of nausea hit her as it sunk in just how badly he'd been hurt doing exactly what he always did; protecting someone else, damn the consequences to himself. She took a few deep breaths before reminding herself why she was there. She was here because Mattie wanted her to speak to him.
She had no idea what to say but she didn't want to waste the time she'd been given. "I got your email, Harm. I don't know how you managed to send it, but I got it. I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I was a complete idiot to waste the time we had together, the time that we could have had. I swear to you, when you come out of this, I'm going to be here. You are the love of my life, Harmon Rabb." She felt a few tears sliding down her face as she looked down at him. "I have to leave so you can rest now, but I won't be far away." Before leaving she leaned down, her mouth only a few inches from his ear and whispered I love you in Farsi.
She slipped out of the room and leaned against the wall. Her head was spinning and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and barely registered that she'd slid down to the floor as she trembled and her breath came in ragged gasps. She vaguely registered the doctor's hand on her shoulder but couldn't stop her tears or the shaking. She heard the sobs but it felt like they were coming from someone else. How had so many years of training and discipline faded away so quickly? She didn't notice when the doctor stepped away to speak to someone. Soon the doctor's hand was replaced by a much larger, rougher hand.
"It's going to be okay, Mac." AJ's voice sounded wrong when it was soft like this. She'd spent too much time hearing him speaking with his JAG authority, his compassion in this moment sounded unnatural to her ears. She felt him wrap his arms around her. He pulled her to her feet and hugged her tightly as she cried against his chest. Her heart was racing and she realized that her breathing was shallow and too rapid, but she couldn't bring herself to calm down. She was vaguely aware that AJ was speaking to someone over her shoulder but couldn't make out what he was saying or who he was saying it to. Moments later, she felt a sensation she hadn't experienced in years as her head became foggy and she blacked out.