Slowly stepping into his office, shutting the door behind him, Saul bit his lip, shook his head. She was sitting in the spot on the floor where his rug used to be, leaned against the side of his cleared out desk. Occupied with her music she didn't even seem to notice him. Tissues were strewn around her and her eyes were red rimmed, puffy from what he could see of them in the dim light.
All Saul could think of was the last time he'd seen her looking this distraught. Back at her house when her depression had kicked in and he'd stopped over, heard her confirm that she'd fallen for Brody. Now she was looking as vulnerable and broken as she had in that chair, and it made him want to punch a wall in.
Knowing though that wasn't an option at the moment he stepped closer, cleared his throat so as not to startle her.
"Carrie?"
Looking up, wiping at her eyes her chin quivered involuntarily. "Hi," she said softly, removing the earbuds. "Look, I can explain why..."
"No, it's alright."
"I just needed someplace quiet to try and calm down. Gather my thoughts." she said.
Nodding, Saul crouched down, then sat next to her. "Everyone was looking for you at the hospital. How did you get out?"
"Convinced a doctor to drop me off near Maggie's. I walked to her house but remembered she and Danny and the girls were at the cabin."
"So you took Galvez's ID and used it at security?"
Nodding Carrie let out a sigh.
"Why'd you come here?"
"Felt familiar," she said, giving him a sheepish smile before tears welled up in her eyes. "Jesus, this is one of the few places where I felt exactly like I belonged. Now I have to sneak through security into the fucking building," she scoffed.
Sighing, after a beat Saul spoke up. Said words that felt fucking wrong leaving his mouth. "What about the other place where you said was exactly where you belonged?"
"What?" Carrie frowned.
"That day. In the interrogation room. Or was that just something you came up with to get him to break?"
Rolling her eyes she snorted, wiped at her eyes again. "I thought you blocked that whole day out?"
"Answer the question, Carrie."
Tears welling up again before she could stop them she snorted. "We were both broken already, Saul. We were both fucked up wrecks that collided and broke each other. And now we're bringing a fucking life into the world. Jesus, how fucked up is that?!" she cried.
"What about the conversation that you and I had?" Saul asked, shifting closer. "That you can't imagine the rest of your life without Brody? For Christ's sake, what's changed between now and-"
Trailing off, realizing what incident could've caused this change in her, now it was his turn to scoff. "Don't tell me. That woman that talked to you at the hospital?"
When she didn't respond, knowing he was right, Saul rubbed the bridge of his nose. "My God. You let her get to you?"
Still not getting a response he looked Carrie square in the eye. "I can't believe this. One stranger shares her warped thoughts on the two of you and now you're questioning everything?"
Chin quivering Carrie looked down, away from him. Her hand resting on her stomach as she cried.
"Hey, listen. Just listen," Saul coaxed as she glanced up.
"I get you're afraid. You're seeing another side to something you thought you knew everything about. A new perspective. One that's got you doubting whatever you thought you knew. That's scary as shit. No question."
Nodding, Carrie sniffled, wiped her eyes again.
"Believe me, I get it. I know that kind of fear too," Saul admitted. "Watching you in that bunker with Brody. Christ. I was more terrified than I've ever been."
Frowning, Carrie met his gaze again. "Why? I wasn't the one who fucking stabbed him!"
"It wasn't about what you did. It was what you were saying."
Leaning back against the desk, Saul lightly laughed as her frown deepened. "From the first interrogation you ran alone, I used to be able to keep track of you in there. Your technique, all your tactics with the suspects and prisoners you were assigned. You had interrogation down to an exact science," he said as Carrie sat up, intrigued.
"What do you mean?"
"Each time you'd bring in just the right amount of sincerity, strategy. It was a perfect balance. Why do you think I was so eager to mentor you? You had a natural talent."
"And I used that to get the truth out of Brody. Why did that fucking scare you?"
"Because I lost track of what was what, Carrie. What you were saying that was real, what was fabricated. I couldn't tell fact from fiction. For the first time in over a decade, I lost track of you. And it wasn't just because you turned the fucking cameras off."
Nodding, swallowing hard she bowed her head again.
"You know the reason, right?" Saul asked as she nodded.
"I was too emotionally involved."
"Yes. You were," he sighed.
"If I hadn't been though, if I hadn't taken such an interest in Brody maybe he could've-"
"What? Gone to a support group and dropped his allegiance to Nazir?" he scoffed as she shrugged.
"Maybe it could've helped," Carrie whispered.
"You're right. Maybe it could have. But you did help, Carrie," Saul reminded as her eyes flicked back up, met his.
"You're the one who sought Dana Brody out. Because of you she called him. Because of you both, that panic room wasn't blown to bits," he said as her eyes welled up again.
"That Nancy or whoever the fuck she is. She may think she knows all there is to know. But, as much as I fucking hate admitting it, the only one who knows Sergeant Nick Brody entirely is you. Hell, you forgot more about him than any of us will ever fucking know," he said as she sniffed, looked away again. Reaching over he turned her face back towards his.
"You knew enough to stop a goddamned attack on America. You. Not Nancy. So don't let her attack you for the choices you've made. Get you second guessing your decisions."
Moving out of his hold Carrie shook her head. "My decisions are the reason I'm not allowed in this fucking building, Saul! Why are you trying so hard to convince me they're right when all you've done for a decade is want this for me?" she choked out. "Why aren't you doing your best to keep me here? Even with your change of heart, the talks we've had, sitting here with you right now! It doesn't make sense!"
"Did you find answers here that you told Abby and Khan you wanted to find? Did you find any kind of peace, sense of belonging after you broke in?"
Shrugging, after a beat she sniffled, shook her head. "No."
"What about when you were working here? What about all the long days and lonely nights in your cubicle? Going over files and staring at classified documents until you can't see straight. What about not being able to breathe a word about any of it, the important work you're doing, even the rare bit of good news to anyone in your life that matters?" Saul asked, glancing around his nearly cleaned out office and feeling relieved to finally say the words.
"Do you feel like you can slip back into this life that seamlessly after getting a taste of life on the outside? If you do I applaud you. You'll be the most ruthless one to walk these halls. Probably be promoted to director within the month. I used to want that for myself, want it for you. But now, is that something you want? That you can't imagine going without?"
After a few moments, lightly laughing Carrie shook her head, glanced back at him.
"Shit. It was so much easier when you just gave me orders, Mr. Berenson," she smirked, getting him laughing in return as he stood up, helped her to her feet.
"C'mon, who was really the one in charge?"
Met with a hug Saul stroked her hair, rubbed her on the back reassuringly.
"Any better?"
Nodding, wiping at her eyes Carrie pulled back. "Yeah. I think I just want to go home."
"We will. Soon as we make a stop first though." Saul said before switching off the lamp, glancing around the office once more before walking her out. Locking the door behind him.