A/N: I can't believe how long this story is, I usually get bored long before now. Yay me.
Fun Fact: Mountain Dew can make you do anything.
Raising a Hand
By LQ Aredhel
Chapter 16
JD was jogging, exhausted down an empty dirt road. A bright white light shone behind him, illuminating the path in front of him, but never reaching more than a few feet ahead of him; everything else was dark. But that wasn't the scary part. The light was hot, and it was following him. JD was too tired to run much faster, and the light was gaining on him, always prying at his skin and barreling down his neck making him drip with sweat. The closer the light got, the louder the humming in the background became until he couldn't stand it anymore and screamed and opened his eyes.
Carla and Elliot were running beside him, except he wasn't running anymore. He was on a gurney, and Carla was telling him not to worry and yelling something about Dr. Cox. JD wondered why Dr. Cox wasn't there staring down at him and preparing to fix whatever goes wrong, whatever happens in JD's life that he's too idiotic to deal with alone. JD imagined for a moment Dr. Cox wrestling with Daniel; he closed his tired eyes when he recalled that that already happened, and wondered when Daniel became something so wrong that Carla and Elliot were staring down at him with concern and confusion and panic in their eyes. When had he stopped telling them things?
When did he start lying?
Suddenly it seemed really important to remember that first lie and to make it right, to clean up all of the dirty things he'd done, even though it felt as though some things would never come clean.
JD didn't wonder how it suddenly came into his mind; he recalled the day that he went to work with a small bruise across his cheek. That's when it had started. He left the building with Turk and Carla, and when Carla asked him about his cheek, he lied to her. To her face. To Turk. But he could fix it now.
He opened his mouth to speak before realizing that there was a mask over his nose and mouth. His words were muffled and weak.
"Relax, Bambi," Carla told him, her voice choked. "We're taking you to surgery, you'll be fine."
Confused, JD looked down to see half a dozen people surrounding the gurney, moving with it. They were moving fast, but he could barely feel it; his entire body was numb. There was blood covering his stomach, a nurse holding gauze tightly against his side. Elliot was gone now. Dr. Cox still wasn't there. It was loud, bright, confusing. Unable to really take it in, JD turned back to Carla. She was focused on moving the gurney forward, so JD raised his hand to remove the mask; he had to tell her.
"JD," Carla sort of hissed, batting his hand away from the mask. She watched him for a moment, jerking her head up once in a while to watch where she was going, then asked "What do you need to say?" and moved the mask aside. He focused on looking her in the eye.
"I didn't fall."
There, it was out. Pure relief flooded JD's body, somehow opening up all of his senses once again and he felt the wind rush by as the gurney moved swiftly down the hallway, and the pressure of the gauze pressed against his fresh knife wound. He glanced back up at Carla, who appeared panicked and confused, before passing out from the pain and exhaustion.
It seemed only moments later all the voices from the gurney ride were surrounding him again, but this time his eyelids were as heavy as the rest of his body. He pried them open and the voices quieted. Carla, Elliot, Turk, and JD's brother Dan were surrounding his bed, staring at him.
"Dan," JD squeaked out, disappointed at how weak his voice sounded. His brother grinned, though, and approached his side.
"Geez, little brother, I hear you've had quite the hospital adventure," Dan commented. JD just smiled and shook his head, not really wanting to think about it at the moment. Or ever.
Behind him, Elliot, Turk, and Carla waved at JD and started to leave the room.
"What about Dr. Cox?" JD called out, although it sounded more like his normal volume.
Carla turned back at the door. "He's fine. He got a couple of nicks, a few stitches. He'll be fine."
He hesitated. "And Daniel?"
She made an attempt to clear her face of emotion. "He's back in jail." She gave him a small smile and left the room.
"So, who's Daniel?" Dan asked, but his voice told JD that he sort of already knew. He must have been filled in while JD was out.
He settled on, "A friend."
Dan raised his brows. "Some friend!"
JD scoffs and chuckles nervously with him, but the statement – rather the truth of the statement – troubled him. He felt like an idiot thinking about what kind of information Dan had probably received about the situation. To Dan, JD made friends with a total asshole and didn't even realize it.
Except…it was kind of true.
"What about your other injuries?" Dan asked, his voice oddly serious.
"They're fine," JD replied, though his brother obviously wanted to know the story behind them. "I just want to go home already. I've been here forever." He paused, thinking about it. "How long have I been out?"
Dan looked away and raised a brow; there was an unspoken "this time" tacked to the end of JD's question, but fortunately Dan hadn't been there the last time.
"About three days," Dan finally answered quietly. JD looked closely at him, really looked, to see a pale, fidgety man; Dan looked completely freaked out. "Mom's not doing so well, so…." He smile nonchalantly and shrugged. "It kind of looked, for a while, like I'd lose both of you."
JD closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the pillow; that was not what he wanted to hear. "I'm sorry, Dan." Dan just shrugged again, still smiling. "How's mom doing?"
Dan spoke for a while about their mother's failing health, something that JD had never really thought about being so far away. But Dan was there constantly to watch her get worse and worse. Now she was developing breathing problems, probably from smoking, and had actually gone to the hospital after an asthma attack. JD listened and nodded, doing his best to stay awake even though he felt the deeply comforting and familiar effects of his morphine drip. He couldn't even sum up the strength to feel guilty for not caring more about what was happening with his mother; she was sort of something separate from his current life.
At one point JD looked around the room, hoping to make himself more aware by taking in his surroundings. He was in the same room he'd had before. Rowdy was leaning awkwardly in one corner, and there was a brand new flashing disc on his nightstand. He wished it was on so that it would flash at each of Dan's words. Dan was still talking when JD finally gave into the morphine and drifted off to sleep.
When he woke again after a long, dreamless sleep, he mumbled, "I love morphine," to whoever may have been in the room. He opened his eyes to see Carla quietly entering the room, closing the door behind her.
"How are you feeling, Bambi?" she asked, appearing anxious.
"I'm okay," he replied. He really was: his head was empty of all thought except for the fact that he was terribly comfortable in the hospital bed. He never wanted the painkillers to wear off.
"That's good. Listen, JD," she began nervously, "what did you mean when you said that you didn't fall? I thought you were just confused and you were talking about when he…." Stabbed me. That made the happy feeling go away.
JD shook his head, genuinely perplexed. "I don't remember saying that."
Carla stood up anxiously. "Well, you must have meant something by it, because you nearly tore you mask off to say it on the way to surgery."
It all came back to him, being conscious in the moments after being stabbed by Daniel. His felt his face turn red when he recalled that he'd wanted to make amends for all the lying he'd done while he was with Daniel. Why had he said it out loud?!
"Please, just tell me the truth," Carla begged, sitting in the chair again.
JD nodded and swallowed thickly. He replied slowly, carefully choosing his words. "It was…that day when I had a bruise on my cheek. You and me and Turk were going out to eat, and you saw it. And I told you that I tripped and fell." There, it was out. Of course, he knew what she would have to ask next.
"Well…then how did you get the bruise?" She looked as though she'd already guessed, and JD avoided her gaze.
What did he really have to lose anymore?
"I forgot to meet Daniel at his house, like, three times in a row. So, he was upset and lonely, and things got a little out of control and he slapped me." He told the story quickly and lightly, not watching Carla for a reaction.
"It wasn't his fault," he continued, then, thinking of Dr. Cox, felt stupid. "I mean, he shouldn't have done it, but he didn't do it because he didn't like me or because he was a bad person. He did it because he was upset, it was an accident."
He looked to Carla, who was still silent; she stared at him, shock evident on her face.
"It's not a big deal!" he continued, although something in him told him to just shut up before he made it worse.
"Not a big deal!" Carla yelled, making JD wince. "He hits you, then tries to kidnap you, and stabs you! He could have killed you, JD, you idiot!"
The last words jabbed him sharply in the chest; he'd heard Daniel and Dr. Cox scream that at him enough, but never from Carla. She must have noticed that he was hurt, because she took a deep breath and asked calmly, "Okay, so you lied about that. I forgive you. Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?"
JD searched her face for a clue about what she meant, but all he found was concern and curiosity; she didn't really know what kind of information she was asking for, she only knew that there was more.
He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. "I lied the second time, too." She waited for more. "I said I fell, again, but it was him. Again."
She looked like she was either going to hit something or cry; JD was waiting, on edge, for a fist to fly towards his face. Instead, she got up and left the room.
The next time he woke up, Dr. Cox was sitting next to his bed, wearing his street clothes.
"What are you doing here?" JD asked curiously. Dr. Cox put his arms down and looked up, and JD's eyes followed his right forearm, which was wrapped in white gauze.
"I heard you were stabbed," Dr. Cox explained. "I had to come down here and make sure that I wasn't just having a really fantastic dream."
JD nodded. "You got hurt." He gestured to the older doctor's arm.
"Just a scratch."
It was weird to see Dr. Cox hurt; it didn't seem right, and JD suddenly felt more guilty and hurt about that than he had about anything since he woke up.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Dr. Cox looked at him strangely. "If you mean about the scratch, don't bother, I have great insurance." He left it at that. But JD didn't feel like wondering what he should be apologizing for.
"Carla said you told her some things," Dr. Cox stated, relaxing back into the hospital chair. "What about the rest of it?"
"What about it?"
"What about Gandhi and Barbie and that retarded puppy of a brother that's been wandering the halls?"
JD didn't reply.
"What about you?" he continued. "Are you going to tell someone? Are you ever going to get it out?"
"You know," JD pointed out, his voice small.
"Yeah, Newbie, I know because I'm not an idiot and I can put two and two and two together to make six. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about what happened, and knowing you, you should be ecstatic about the idea of talking someone's ear off about your exciting adventures. And we're all there for you. Even the idiots who can't do math."
JD hesitated. "We?"
Dr. Cox just glared at him, visibly bristling, then relaxed again. "If you don't want to spread it around yet, then…yeah. I guess I could lend you an ear."
JD couldn't help but be skeptical. "Yeah, but, you're just going make fun of me. Of everything that happened." He tried to make it lighthearted, but the weight of his words dragged his voice down, and he felt his eyes, inexplicably, well up with tears.
Dr. Cox shrugged and looked around anxiously as if expecting someone to walk through the door at any moment. "I'll make you a deal; you promise that you won't ever tell anyone that we actually talk to one another, and I won't 'make fun of you'. Okay?"
Now JD was really choking up, and goddamnit he couldn't figure out why! Dr. Cox was actually reaching out to him and all he could do was practically break down in tears!
"Why?" he asked without really thinking about it. "Why would you do that for me?" He could feel the tears falling now, but the other man acted like he didn't notice them.
He waited for an answer: Because Carla told me to, because you whine too much, because you're a shitty enough doctor already, because I'msupposed to care….
"Because I want to see you get better."
JD looked away from him, embarrassedly overcome with emotion. He leaned back on his pillow and nodded as tears ran down his face and great warmth bloomed up in his chest. Even though he was still trying to keep down his tears, his body was wracked with quiet sobs. Dr. Cox didn't say anything, just sat in the chair next to the bed until JD calmed down and finally fell asleep.