It's strange, hard to describe, but almost as soon as Alex was in the truck, sitting between these two men, he felt … odd. He doesn't know where it comes from, but it's bizarrely hard to think. His thoughts float just out of his reach and he can't seem to gather enough consciousness to fully comprehend any thoughts he does register. It's not a good feeling. He feels like he's drunk, but without any of the fun parts of being drunk.

To make matters worse, his anxiety has spiked rather high. His heart is pounding rapidly and a deep paranoia rages through him. Every time he shifts he freezes because he's worried that James or Jefferson is going to think he's being weird. And they've been quiet for so long now, maybe an hour of silence? Alex couldn't break that, not when he might say something wrong. What would he say anyway? Maybe that's why he doesn't voice his growing concerns about his mental health.

He tries to focus on the road before him, but watching the moving street just makes his head spin. His body feels heavy; his muscles too tired and sore to hold himself up anymore. He's exhausted, and he's not entirely sure why. Was it just the zombie killing spree he just went on? Or is it the lack of food he's had lately? No. He's been hungry before and this isn't that. And he hasn't really had a big appetite anyway, so he sees no problem there.

"What're you doing?" A voice said. It's too far away to actually distinguish whose voice it is. The world kind of blurs a little as he moves. His head is awkwardly resting on something, his neck not willing to keep his head up anymore. "OH, SHIT!? Hamilton?! Are you alright?!"

There's another voice, and it's talking. But Alex can't distinguish the words. His head feels like there's a nail gun drilling into his temples, scrambling his thoughts with sharp pain, and his hands are shaking uncontrollably.

Alex gets a sharp sense of clarity and he says as clear as he can, "Stop the car."

His hands flies up to his mouth, and he can't seem to close it, like there's a crowbar in his jaw. He chokes on his out breathing, his eyes screwing shut. A thick, burning feeling forms in the back of his throat. He knows what's about to happen.

"Stop the car!" He repeats, unbuckling himself as James hits the brakes. Alex can barely think as he leans over Jefferson and throws open the passenger side door.

"Ow! OW!" Jefferson hissed as Alex fumbled, scrambling over his lap and onto the road. His knees give out almost instantly; his hands catching himself on the hard cement. He closes his eyes and let's the sick, guttural noises escape him.

He hadn't eaten in a while, so all that came up was spit, stomach acid, and small chunks of leftover indistinguishable food scraps. And it didn't come up easily. The acid that ripped up his esophagus had to be pulled out, grossly hurtled forward by contracting muscles. His abs started to burn as his body aggressively convulsed. Alex choked and gagged, unable to breathe as his stomach abandoned him through his mouth. He didn't even have the strength to groan in pain. Fun fact: puking while wearing a binder? Not Fun.

"Oh, Alex, you're getting it on your hands." A voice said above him.

"Ew. That's nasty." Another said.

Fingers gently brush against his cheeks as they gather his hair, holding it back for him. Another hand soothingly rubs his back. The voices are quieter once more, disguised under Alex's grunting.

"Do you think this is a kind of zombie virus?"

"I don't know. He didn't seem like the infected. He definitely looked green, though."

"James, what do we do if it is?"

"...We'll deal with that later."

Alex was breathing now, nothing else coming up except the spit in his mouth. He had to spit multiple times, his mouth a foul-tasting liquid sea of saliva and leftover acid. He blinked away tears as he stared down at the slimy mess he made on the road. His body was still shaking, but only minutely now. And he wasn't nauseous anymore, although looking at his own vomit was unpleasant.

Alex sat back on his knees, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing. His head still hurt like a bitch, and he found himself leaning into the hand brushing through his hair soothingly. He opened his eyes at James' voice. The other man squatted down next to him, a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Are you okay? What happened? Are you sick?"

And that was three too many questions at the moment. Alex let out a weak groan, tilting his head back against the fingers still in his hair. His gaze drifted up to the man standing above him. It took him perhaps a few seconds too long to realize that it was Jefferson that was gently massaging his scalp. Alex blinked slowly, his mind clearing finally. He found he could think easily; whatever what fogging his mind seemed to pass by. Still, he stared at Jefferson's concerned face for a few seconds longer.

""M okay." Alex mumbled. He cleared his throat, which only made him wince. He had to take a second to swallow before he spoke again, his gaze shifted back over to James' face. His voice was raw from the vomiting, scratchy, as he spoke, "I think it's my T."

"T?" Jefferson asked, "Like, spill the tea?"

Alex was too drained to say anything other than a tired, "No. Testosterone."
James was quick to cover up his slip, "He takes testosterone for … erectile dysfunction."

Alex shot him the most irritated expression he could muster in his weak state. Jefferson shifted behind him, muttering, "Why do you know that?"

"Thomas, go stand in the corner." James said suddenly, his voice hard and demanding.

"What?! Why?!" Jefferson's hands left his hair, and Alex let out a pitiful whine at the loss.

James let out a frustrated huff, "Because I said so."

"There's no corner for me to stand in!? We're outside?!" Jefferson snarked, his voice astounded.

"Then find one!" James snapped.

Alex watched as Jefferson threw his hands in the air and stomped off. He could see from behind James' shoulder that the southerner decided that the nearest corner was in the truck bed. He awkwardly climbed into the back of the truck, flipped off James' back, and then sat down in the corner of the truck bed. Alex felt his lips twitch at the man's actions. He'd laugh, if his body didn't hurt so much.

"What's happening?" James asked quietly, once he made sure Jefferson wasn't watching them.

Alex let out a long sigh, rubbing his forehead. "I'm going through withdrawal. I haven't been on my T in, what, two weeks? Two and a half? My body is trying to find the supply, and when it can't, it's trying to default back to estrogen." James gave him a blank look, so Alex simplified, "My hormones are out of whack and my brain doesn't know how to fix it."

James shook his head and then nodded, unsure of how to explain himself. "No, I got that part. I just … what does this mean? Will you … change back?"

Alex let out a low growl, "It doesn't work like that, I won't just become a girl if that's what you thinking."

"No, I - god damn it, Alex, you know what I mean. If you don't have your testosterone, is there anything that I need to know about as a side effect? Like you puking your guts out." James said in a harsh whisper.

Alex thought for a moment, not really wanting to have this conversation now. Or ever. "The only thing that'll change, I'm pretty sure, is that I'll get my period again."

"What?!" James said, just a bit too loud. Jefferson looked over at them, before being waved off by James. "What do you mean?"

Alex let out a huff, brushing his hair out of his face, "I still have my ovaries. They're going to start making estrogen again. And then my body'll start making eggs, and I'll bleed them out of my-"
"Okay, okay, I get it now." James interrupted, covering his face with his hands for a moment. He took a deep breath and then said, "Okay. Right. Okay. When will that happen?"

"I dunno." Alex shrugged. "I'm not in charge of this kind of thing."

James sat back on his butt, resting his head in his hands, "Great. So, we'll have to prepare for that at some point. What will we need? Like, just, feminine hygiene supplies?"

"Pads and tampons are okay." Alex said, wanting to smile at the way James squirmed uncomfortably. "But those aren't reusable, and I'd eventually run out. Really what would be best is a diva cup, if we could find one."
"What… what is a…" James asked, sounding like he really didn't want to know.
Alex gestured with his hands, curving his fingers upwards on one hand and making a 'c' shape with his other. "It's a small, silicone cup that gets inserted into the vagina and catches all the blood. You take it out at the end of the day, clean it, and put it back in. They last for, like, four years or something."

James' face had gone extremely pale. He shook his head and cursed quietly. "Okay, uh, when will we need this stuff?"

Alex thought for a second before sighing, "I don't know. I would think it would take a while, for the estrogen to build back up. But hormones and stuff are hard to figure out. I haven't had a period in years, so I have no idea when my cycle is anymore. It used to be a really irregular flow, anyway."

"Okay, we don't have to talk about it anymore." James said, waving his hands in a halting motion.

Alex frowned, getting annoyed, "You asked! You can't want to know all about my junk and then get grossed out when I tell you!"

"I'm not, I just, look this isn't my normal-" James sputtered, his face red. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I just need to know how long your withdrawal will last?"

Alex sighed, tired of this conversation. He wanted to get back on the road and pretend this never happened. "I don't know."

"When will-"

"I don't know! Damn it! I don't know!" Alex shouted, slamming his hands on the concrete. "I've never done this before! T is the only thing I've ever remembered to do! Food, sleep, fuck it, I don't care. But T? I've never forgotten that once."

James' hands were on his cheeks now, brushing back tears that Alex didn't even realize he was shedding, "Hey, hey, don't cry!"

"Shit, James, what'd'ya do to him?" Jefferson asked. Alex could hear the distinct sound of Jefferson getting out of the truck and moving over to him. Alex felt a deep coldness take over his chest, pulling his heart down like a rock. It was hard to breathe, but he couldn't take off his binder, not right now; not after this silently wished the kind of medicine he needed to take was the will-die-without-kind, so that way he's body would just shut down and he'd not have to go through all this bullshit.

"Nothing! Hormone imbalance causes mood swings!" James spoke to Jefferson. He wasn't wrong. It might have played a role on his intense emotions lately. But he knew his sorrow right now was genuine.

"Is he going to be alright?" Jefferson asked, concern lacing his tones.
"Yeah, I think."

"Okay, let's get moving then."

He felt arms wrap around him, and soon he was being scooped up, pressed against a warm chest. Alex's vision was too blurred with tears to get a clear picture, but he knew James wasn't strong enough to lift him, and that only left one other option. Alex closed his eyes, his hand covering his mouth as he sobbed quietly.

He was placed delicately back into the truck like some fucking child. Alex forced his crying to stop, holding his breath and closing his eyes until the tears halted. He refused to be weakest person here anymore. But even as his tears dried on his cheeks, the heavy weight in his chest didn't lift.

James and Jefferson stood outside the truck, just a few feet away. They weren't as quiet as they thought they were. Alex wrapped his arms around himself and pressed his knees up against the dashboard. He silently listened to the men talk, sniffling occasionally.

"This is getting ridiculous. What aren't you telling me, James?"

"Nothing! Look, we need to get going, we need to start finding more supplies, since all of our shit was on that bus. We've gone too long without restocking, we'll need food, water, blankets, um, cups-"

"You're avoiding the question. What's going on with you two? Why do you know about how well his dick works?"

"Wait. Are you serious right now?"

"...What?"

"I can't believe this."

"What do you mean?"

"Get in the truck, Thomas."

A moment later, both men were climbing in beside him from either side. James was still in the driver's seat. Jefferson shot him a confused, suspicious look over Alex's head when they closed their doors. It wasn't long later that the truck rumbled to life and they were off, flying down the road once more.

Exhaustion washed over Alex, coaxing him to sleep all of this off and pretend it was a dream. Alex closed his eyes and felt himself shift until he was comfy. He rested his head on the shoulder to his right.
"Uh, did I say you could sleep on me?" Jefferson sassed. He shifted in his seat as Alex's head pressed against his arm.

"Shut up, I just puked." Alex replied, keeping his eyes closed. His headache was slowly dimming as sleep was taking over him. He only had enough energy to banter for a moment or two.

"Yeah, so your breath stinks."

"Still better than your B.O."

"How dare you."

Alex was already asleep before he heard James' deep sigh.

Alex was pounding on John's bedroom door, his heart jackhammering in his chest with excitement. He wanted to just barge in, but the door was locked, which is weird, because John never locked his door, but Alex was too excited to think about things like that right now.

"Oh my god…" He heard a dark groan from inside the room. Alex's smile widened when the door swung open suddenly, a very pissed off John standing in the doorway. "What!?"

"I got something to show you!" Alex grinned, bouncing on his feet, "So I just woke up and I went to take a shower, and I was looking in the mirror and guess what!?"

John stared at him, blinking tired eyes. His mouth was a low line, unimpressed and tired. "Alex. It's five in the morning on a Sunday."

"I know but this is important!" Alex grinned, his voice loud and cheerful. "Guess what!?"

John ran a hand over his face, leaning heavily on the doorframe, "Alex, you aren't even a morning person. Have you made coffee yet? Can I have a cup, if this is going to take long?"
"Jaaaaack!" Alex whined, tugging on his friend's jacket. Which, now that he looks at it, is very big and baggy and Alex had never seen it before. Alex looked down at the jacket and then at John's face, "Who's jacket is this?"
John's cheeks darkened suddenly, his eyes widening as he mumbled, "Uh-"

Alex ducked under John's arm and stormed into the room. He skidded to a halt by John's bed, unsurprised to see a big man snoring softly under the covers. Alex turned to John and crossed his arms over his chest, sending him an expectant look.
"Alex." John whispered, pointing to the door, "Don't wake him up! Come out here!"

Alex sighed loudly before John grabbed him and dragged him out of the room. John closed the door behind them, sheepishly turning to look at him. Alex crossed his arms, glaring up at the freckled boy.

"So, about that thing you wanted to show me?" John said, nervously scratching his neck.

Alex raised an eyebrow, his tone flat, "John. What is he doing back here?"

"We were just hanging out." John shifted on his feet anxiously.

"And have you asked him out yet?" Alex asked, already knowing the answer.

"...No…" John mumbled, unable to maintain eye contact.

Alex sighed, already shaking his head, "John, we talked about this. You know you don't like casual things. You either gotta ask him out or drop him."

"I know, I know." John ran his hands through his hair, "But he was upset and asked if he could come over and I just couldn't say no and then we were kissing and I realized that that's why he wanted to see me and I know it's gonna fuck me over, but I just need his attention, you know?"

Alex shook his head, putting a hand on John's shoulder, "Look, Herc seems like a great guy, but don't let yourself get hurt because of him. Have you guys gone on an actual date?"

John chewed his lip nervously and shook his head.

Alex shoved his hands in his pockets, "Yeah, see, that's gotta change if you want this to last."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." John said quietly, his arms wrapping around himself, "I just don't want to scare him away or anything. I don't even know if he likes me for more than just my body."

"You'll figure it out." Alex promised, offering a small smile, "And if he breaks your heart, I'll break his face."

That got John to laugh as he said, "Hon, you're so small, I'd like to see you try and hurt him."

Alex grinned too, willing to be the butt of the joke for his friend's happiness. John's smile faded a little as he put his hands on his hips and said, "So, uh, what was so important you had to wake me up at five in the morning and drag me out of bed, away from my gorgeous crush, who was happily spooning me?"

Alex jumped in surprise as he remembered, his eyes widening and his hands waving in the air. "Oh! Oh my god, John, look! Look at my face!" Alex pointed at himself, his wide smile infectious as John stared at him.
"What am I looking at?" John giggled, "It's just your face."

"Look here, look here!" Alex said, pointing to his chin. John squinted at him and then let out a little gasp. Alex nodded enthusiastically, squealing, "Yeah! Yeah! I got my first facial hair!"

John pulled him into a tight hug, hooting in delight, "Oh my god! Alex! That's amazing!"

"The T's kickin' in!" Alex laughed, "It's only takin' half a year, but damn! Lookit!"

John snickered, tilting Alex's head this way and that with a hand on his chin, "Now we just need to get you a proper binder and you'll be all set!"

Alex nodded, his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. He ran his fingers over his chin. He could just barely feel the startings of hairs growing in. It'd still take forever to have a full beard, but now, the possibility was real. Alex sighed happily, leaning into John's embrace, "This is the best thing to ever happen to me."

"So far." John said, "It only gets better from here."

Alex hummed, "True."

Tell me what you think!