A/N: I found a 'Hug Me' t-shirt at Hot Topic last weekend and I bought it just because of this story.

P.S.: 3 cookie points to anyone who can point on the blatant PSYCH reference in this chapter!

Fun Fact: Loth leaves for Tokyo in September! :(

Raising a Hand

by LQ Aredhel

Chapter 20

He placed the phone back on the counter and stared at it. Just watched it, half expecting Daniel to jump out of it and grab him, drag him away. He looked around. The apartment was still empty. Carla was at work, would be for hours longer. He looked back at the phone.

This is stupid, he told himself. It's not going to hurt you to listen to a couple of messages. Then why were his hands shaking at his side instead of calling his inbox? Why couldn't he pick up the phone?

JD suddenly felt the familiar black hole return to his stomach, sucking away the warmth from his body. He wanted to talk to Dr. Cox and tell him; he would understand. He knew that stupid pull towards and away from something, the crushing thing that happened to his stomach and ribs when he couldn't distinguish between his feelings of longing for Daniel and his fear of him. It was maddening.

He reached out to close the top of the flip phone, to get rid of the message screen, when it rang, startling him enough to knock him into the couch behind him.

Shaking his head in anger at his weakness, JD glanced at the caller ID to see that the county jail was on the other line.

He froze.

What would Daniel say to him if he answered? What would JD say? What did Daniel expect him to do? God, he must be so angry.

JD clicked the green button.

"Hello?"

"Is this Jonathan Dorian?"

It wasn't Daniel's voice. JD sagged onto the floor, his back against the couch. He hadn't realized how tense he was; his whole body relaxed.

"Yeah."

"The Jonathan Dorian involved in the hostage situation at Sacred Heart Hospital?"

Unfortunately. He closed his eyes. "Yes."

"This is Carlton O'Hara from the LAPD. We'd like you to come in to provide a witness statement, and possibly testify at Daniel Jackson's trial on the 23rd. Are you available later this afternoon?"

Testify. Testify. In court. With him. "Uh..." Could he just say no? Was that allowed?

"Tomorrow morning would be fine, if that works better for you."

JD frowned, fiddling with his pant leg. "Um...do I have to?" God, that came out wrong.

"Well..." The officer sounded surprised and a little confused. "You're not obligated to do it, no. It would help with the case, though; it would put the guy away faster and probably for a longer amount of time if we have your testimony. You were the one he stabbed, right?"

JD swallowed. "I'd rather not, then." He hung up the phone. The silence afterwards was oppressive.

There were still two messages on his phone.

He opened the phone again and went to the message screen. Two messages. He could just delete them, he didn't have to listen to them. But that stupid feeling in his stomach...pushing and pulling him...

He dialed.

Dr. Cox's gruff voice blurted after three rings, "Busy, leave a message," followed by a beep.

He hung up and dialed again.

"Busy, leave a message."

He hung up.

He dialed a different number.

After only two rings, "Hello?" a groggy Elliot mumbled.

"Hey, Elliot, how've you been?" JD tried to sound casual, but he'd been so relieved when she answered that he'd almost started crying. When will that stop! It really pissed him off.

"JD?" she asked, quickly sounding awake. "Hey, I'm great. How are you healing up? Sorry I haven't been to see you, my schedule is still pretty insane and I feel like I never get a moment to myself." She laughed, sounding slightly crazy, and JD had to smile.

"I'm doing fine. Listen, do you want to come over and watch a movie or something?" He just wanted someone around him. The messages...it was like Daniel was in the apartment with him. He didn't feel safe by himself.

"That would be great! Give me fifteen minutes to get dressed." She sounded so enthusiastic, JD almost felt bad; he would have preferred Dr. Cox.

True to her word, Elliot arrived fifteen minutes later looking perfect with a pizza and rented videos. How the hell does she do it? JD wondered. She skipped into the house and set everything up.

"I got While You Were Sleeping and My Best Friend's Wedding. Which one do you want to watch first?"

JD raised a brow at her. "Chick flicks?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "They were the first two movies I thought of. Sorry."

He just nodded, smiling slightly. He didn't really care what they watched anyway, as long as he wasn't alone. And his phone was tucked safely away in the bathroom closet.

They settled onto the couch, and JD's unease and sitting so closely with someone on a couch quickly faded away as the movie began. Elliot munched on the pizza – she must have eaten four slices in the first few scenes – before leaning back comfortably and resting her head on JD's shoulder. JD had one piece; he hadn't eaten for a couple of days, ever since he found out he had to go to therapy. It tasted like bland, greasy bread.

They were halfway through While You Were Sleeping when Elliot started talking, shaking JD from his thoughts of what prison was really like.

"I was really worried about you, you know?"

JD nodded giving her a sympathetic smile. "I know. I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

She smiled back at him. "Of course." They settled into silence again, but apparently Elliot wasn't finished.

"I broke up with Keith," she told him, watching his face very closely.

"Yeah, Turk told me." He was glad that she didn't look too shaken up about it; he really didn't want to hear about it at that moment.

She pulled away from him a little so that she could face him on the couch. "It's just...when you were in the hospital, I realized a lot of things that I...didn't really think about before. You know?"

"Sure." He had no idea what she was talking about.

"When I saw you come in that night, rolled through the hallway on a stretcher...you were pale, covered in blood. And your chest ... there were bruises everywhere. You had to go into surgery right away, and I didn't even know if you were going to come back out. You could have died! And there was nothing I could do about it. You would have died not knowing..." She fell silent, staring at the television where the movie was still playing.

"No knowing what?" JD was starting to feel very nervous. If she was heading for what he thought she was...he didn't know what to do.

"Seeing you there, night after night...and then with a knife to your throat...God, I'm such an idiot!" She turned to him, grabbed his face in her hands. "JD, I love you. I love you and no matter who I'm with or what time passes my feelings for you never go away. Your my one constant, the only person I can really see myself with in the future, my best friend. I love you, and I almost lost you. Do you have any idea how that felt?"

He didn't speak, couldn't, before her lips came crashing into his and her hands moved to the nape of his neck, pulling him closer.

He remembered dreaming about moments like this, when Elliot would confess her love for him and they'd ride off into the sunset, spend the rest of their lives together, and despite all of their differences they would find a way to be compatible in the world. He felt her hand caress his face and almost felt at ease.

It was easy for him to fall into her movements, her kisses again.

She whipped her shirt off and fell back onto his lips, and he kissed her back furiously. It wasn't until her hand moved up under his shirt to caress his stomach that he felt the beginnings of fear and panic rise in him.

He ignored it at first, waited for it to go away so that he could go back to enjoying Elliot's kisses, her closeness.

When she dragged his shirt over his head, the fear tightened in his stomach. He suddenly remembered how long it had been since he'd done this without being either completely hammered or only half-conscious. He ran his hands up Elliot's narrow sides, reminding himself that she was a woman. She wasn't Daniel.

She pressed herself against him, topping them both over so she lay on top of him on the couch. Her hands pressed a little too hard on his side on their way to the button on his jeans, and JD blanked. Suddenly he couldn't see bright blond hair hovering above him or a woman's slim, cold hands at his waste band; he couldn't see anything. He just felt, and the terror overrode every rational thought in his mind. There was just hands, and white noise.

When he could see and hear again, he was pressed hard against one side of the couch, his knees pressed tightly against his aching chest. Elliot was leaning over him, her hand inches away but not touching him. She was still shirtless.

"JD?" she asked quickly. "JD, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry, okay? JD?"

He couldn't speak, and he soon realized that he was breathing too hard to form words. He jerked his arms away from his knees and ran a hand through his hair, trying to look casual. But he was pretty sure that it didn't work.

"No...no big deal," he panted, trying to calm his breathing, but it wouldn't stop even though all the hands...all the images were gone from his mind. His body wouldn't calm down. "Sorry, just...I think you nicked my side..."

She nodded, looking unsure. "Yeah, I guess so. Are you okay? Can you breathe? Do you want me to take you to the hospital, or call Turk?"

He shook his head, screaming at himself to calm down. Nothing happened! Breathing was becoming easier, but he wished Elliot would back away from him; he felt claustrophobic with her so close.

"I'm sorry," he said again, unsure of what to do. He just sat there, his body still in a ball against the end of the couch. Elliot looked obviously uncomfortable and more than a little confused. She looked away from him, sat straight ahead on the couch. The movie was still playing.

"I guess I moved too fast," Elliot reasoned, almost to herself. "I guess I just thought...since we've done it before, you know...I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be, it's no big deal."

She looked at him. He could breathe steady again, but he was exhausted; his whole body felt numb.

"What exactly...happened?"

"Nothing. I'm just really tired." He closed his eyes and envisioned his warm comfortable bed in the next room. "Do you think we could do this another time instead?"

She didn't reply. He felt her rise from the couch, grab her things from the kitchen, and open and close the front door. He ignored it when she sniffed or cleared her throat. He couldn't think of it right then. It was too much.

Anger overrode his exhaustion.

"FUCK!" He screamed at no one, slamming his fists into the back of the couch.

She'd been right; they'd done it countless times before. They had sex romps practically once a year since they met, but this time he couldn't even make it past unbuttoning his pants before freaking out. He didn't even understand what had happened to him, he'd just...gone away.

JD closed himself in his room and cursed himself for crying into his mattress.