After playing enough carnival games to win Farrah a goldfish, more plush toys than she could hold, when the girl chose the Ferris Wheel as the last attraction of the day, Danny stayed back to hold onto all the prizes while everyone else went on the ride.
Cuddled close to Brody in the small car, Carrie craned her neck to try and look at the one behind them.
"Carrie?"
"What? I just want to see if I can see Farrah and Maggie. Their car was right behind ours."
"We'll see them when we get down, Carrie. Just cut it out with the contortions, alright? This thing's not exactly built for sharp movements," Brody snapped, white knuckling the handle on the side of the car.
"Fine. It's not like I can see anything anyway," Carrie scoffed, before frowning at the tense way Brody was sitting.
"You alright?"
"I'm fine."
Met with an arched brow he rolled his eyes.
"Just not with us getting jostled back and forth at this kind of height, alright?"
"Jesus, are you serious?" Carrie asked, fighting the urge to laugh.
"Carrie-"
"You really think they'd let squirmy kids hopped up on sugar ride in these if some jostling could send them falling out of the sky? Hell, do you think they'd let horny teenagers up here?" Carrie laughed, rocking her weight slightly to make the car pitch forward.
"For Christ's sake!" Brody hissed. Seeing how freaked he actually looked, Carrie quit while she was ahead. Reached over to squeeze his hand.
"I'm sorry. I just...I honestly never thought. You? Afraid of heights?"
"It's not all heights. It's not every situation. Just rinky dink, rusty boxes you have no way out of until some senile old carney presses a button to let you down."
"Okay, I get that," Carrie said, realizing the cramped, confined feel the car had as it continued its slow climb to the top of the wheel. Scooting closer to Brody she smirked.
"If it's any consolation though I don't think that guy's as senile as you'd suspect."
"No?"
"With the way he was checking Maggie and I out? I doubt it."
"Great, put the idea of some creep ogling you in my head."
"It got a different idea out of your head though. Right?"
Lightly laughing, Brody shook his head.
"Yeah, it did," he answered after a beat, releasing his death grip on the door and sliding his arm around her.
"Good."
"Won't stop me from decking that guy once we get down from here though," Brody muttered as Carrie arched a brow.
"My still healing knuckles will," he clarified as she reached for his hand, gently kissed it.
"Trying to kiss and make it better?"
"Can't blame me for wanting to return the favor, right?" Carrie asked.
"If it wasn't for your master plan today, we'd all still be moping around that motel room."
"Yeah, once Farrah and I fixed the shower rod, didn't see much reason to stick around," Brody smirked.
"You knew though."
"Knew what?"
"That I needed this. You knew it before I did."
"Well there's a first time for everything," he shrugged as she rolled her eyes.
"Look, I just remembered what you said once at the cabin. Having fun is the quickest way to get you to-"
"Relax? Yeah. And it worked. It is working," Carrie assured, easing more into his touch as she sniffed, softly smiled.
"Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me. Shit. We all needed something to just get out of our damn heads for a day. Farrah's been missing you and J.J, Maggie's been working overtime on wedding stuff. You and I-"
"Yeah. I know."
Sitting up slightly she reached over, stroked his face before Brody turned his head, kissed her palm.
"What we said we'd talk about back at the motel this morning. We can put that on hold, you know."
"Brody-"
"I mean there's no reason to undo a day's worth of relaxing just to-"
"To what, help you through something that's still eating you up?" Carrie asked, moving her hand off his face.
"Look, I know you've been through worse. I'm not trying to make this into a bigger issue than it is but, I'm not about to minimize it either."
"I'm not," he said sharply. "I'm not ashamed in saying what's happened the past few weeks has been pretty fucked up. And it's all managed to fuck me up a little, too. But we're sitting at the top of a Ferris wheel with our daughter in the car behind us!"
"Exactly. She's not in the same car as us or in our motel room, and we're not in the hospital where half the shit took place or getting ready for my sister's wedding. You wanted us to have a minute to ourselves. This is it, Brody."
"Okay, fine. We can have our own private meeting up here," Brody sighed, reaching to rub her shoulder.
"Last thing any of us need is you getting all worked up."
"Hey, I think for the better part of the day I've been pretty fucking zen," Carrie snorted.
"Last chance to keep the streak going."
Shaking her head, she twined her fingers with Brody's hand that was resting on her shoulder.
"I wouldn't press talking about either of them if I didn't know you," she said gently. "And if it hadn't been drilled into my head for months that talking shit out can actually help," she snorted as he gave her a soft smile, decided to take her at her word.
"He and I are doing better, you know. My dad and I," Brody said, earning a frown, arched brow.
"What?" he asked as she shrugged.
"If we're talking shit out let's use our words, Carrie," he said as she rolled her eyes.
"I think that seems like an awfully quick turnaround for the two of you," she said bluntly.
"After everything that happened that day we confronted Nathaniel, everything that was said-"
"Carrie, I just said we were doing better, not that everything's resolved."
"Are you saying that everything could be?" she asked as he looked away from her.
"Brody, I'm not trying to judge or criticize. But I saw how affected you were at the trailer park. You can't blame me for being concerned!"
"I don't! Jesus, I know I gave you plenty of reason to be. I just...hanging onto all of that resentment. Part of me thinks it's a waste of fucking time and energy."
"More than just a part of you does," Carrie said knowingly as he sighed.
"If it makes you feel better, the other part of me thinks I'm as much of a fucking fool as you probably do."
"I don't think you're a fool. And if I did, I wouldn't think it so much as tell you to your fucking face," she said with a smirk before her face went solemn.
"Besides, if I called you foolish I'd have to say the same thing about myself. Ann Ellen Mathison could show up at my front door tomorrow and I wouldn't immediately send her away. I just-"
"What?" Brody asked.
"That day at the trailer park. The look on your face, Brody. I'm sorry but in spite of everything you said, that's all I can think of whenever you mention Nathaniel. That and the fact he was content to never fucking see you again."
"So was the better part of the country for a year and a half," Brody scoffed as Carrie shook her head, squeezed his hand.
"Not me," she said firmly as he swallowed hard, spoke after a beat.
"Look, I'm not even going to try and tell you to feel differently about this. Or him. Of anything you're keeping me in check throughout this whole thing, and I need that," Brody admitted.
"Even if I'm curious about getting to know him, I know you not trusting him keeps him away from the kids, and that's important for now. The last thing I want is Farrah getting attached to someone who can disappear without a fucking trace."
"Yeah, I think one absentee grandparent is enough," Carrie scoffed before biting her lip, speaking after a beat.
"But if Nathaniel does opt to stick around, manages to make progress with you and you decide you want to introduce-"
"Hold on. We have no idea if that'll even happen."
"If it does though-"
"Carrie."
At the earnest look she was giving him, Brody shook his head, gave her a sad smile.
"Look, even if we decide to open that door to him, there's no way of knowing that he'd try and use it. If he'd even want to."
"I know that," Carrie said. "I just wouldn't want to interfere with something you might want for our kid. Kids. I mean, if immediate family's that important to you, I-"
"My family is on this Ferris wheel right now and in Charleston with their mom, Carrie. And I'll be damned if any of you feel as fucked up from what's happened lately as I have."
"Well, I had a conversation with Saul about Nancy that half unfucked me up," Carrie shrugged."Then I found out about the shit that she pulled with you and-"
"Yeah," Brody sighed.
"If you're curious, Maggie and I made a pact to go full jujitsu on her if she tries anything else," Carrie scoffed.
"I think a restraining order will help avoid that. Terrific a show as it would be," Brody said, smirking at her as she rolled her eyes.
"At least with me I just did what you asked. You didn't need to compel me with a court order."
"Carrie-"
"If this all does go to court though I'm staying at the house," Carrie snorted. "I mean, if the judge sees me after reviewing the charges they'll think I'm there to be retried."
"For Christ's sake, Carrie. Enough," Brody cut in, taking her aback.
"Jesus! What did I-"
"Look, you want to know what discussion we can have right now? One that will really help?"
Eyes narrowed, Carrie laughed without humor.
"One where you quit yelling while we're on a fucking Ferris wheel?"
Letting out a breath, Brody bowed his head, reaching for her hand before meeting her gaze again.
"One where you agree to quit drawing fucking comparisons between you and Nancy. Can you do that?"
"I..."
Taken aback again, now it was Carrie's turn to look down and away.
"Brody..."
"Look, that woman crossed a line that you have never...would never-"
"Don't say that," Carrie cautioned, eyes flicking up to meet his again.
"You don't know everything I've done. Because of my job, illness, or just because I fucking felt like it. I'm not a saint, Brody. And I'm making those comparisons because they're there, they exist!"
"Yeah, in the past. In our fucked up collision course of a past, they exist. I'm not denying that! But for Christ's sake, Carrie, if you start letting all the shit we've already been through dictate where we're going-"
"Hold on, if I start?" she scoffed, letting out a hollow laugh.
"You're pretty good at dredging up the past too, Sergeant. Each time you get all self-flagellating? Apologize like you're the only one who fucking needed to?"
"Sounds like a pretty vicious cycle when we put it like that, doesn't it," Brody sighed as Carrie sighed, nodded in agreement.
"Yeah. It does."
"Which means it's up to us to get the hell out of it. Quit dredging things up. Dragging us back someplace we fucking crawled out of already. It has to stop, Carrie."
"I hear you. And I'm not disagreeing! I mean, someday Farrah and this one,"
Reaching for his hand she moved it to rest on her bump. Softly smiling, feeling kicks, Brody shook his head.
"They're gonna be able to pull up our whole sordid, twisted backstory online."
"Jesus, Carrie-"
"They will. Not with your help," she scoffed. "But they will. I just assume not give them reason to be curious. Not til they're old enough to have real questions, anyway."
"You mean nearly seven years old, right?" Brody asked. "Because Farrah's interrogation skills have only gotten better the past four months. With our luck, Nemo or Boo's in there strategizing their first fucking Q and A."
"Into why those nicknames have stuck around as long as they have?" Carrie asked with a smirk.
"I'm serious though. About what you were serious about before. I'll stop dredging our shit up if you do. You're right. It's the only way we're going to get through any of this."
"We'll manage though, love. We will," Brody assured, putting his free arm around her as she leaned against his shoulder.
"Maybe we can do more than just manage."
"What do you mean?" he asked as she swallowed hard, spoke.
"I know I said before that I didn't ask for this. That I didn't ask to be-"
"I remember, yeah."
"I don't know though, lately. Today. Just...being back with Farrah. Watching you with her. She's an amazing kid, Brody. I know we're not the whole reason. Everyone we trust that's helped with her is a huge part of why she's...but, she's okay! She's happy, she's well. And we played a part in-"
"You played a part. Don't give me credit that I don't-"
"You interrupted me," Carrie cut in.
"Seeing her okay, makes me feel like all of this with us may be okay, too. It makes me want it more. More than I did before," she admitted, sitting up so she could see his face.
"I mean I'm still scared. I'm so fucking scared."
"If you told me you weren't I'd be fucking scared, too," Brody lightly laughed as the Ferris wheel came to a stop.
After helping Carrie out of the car, acting as a barrier between her and the ogling carnival worker, Brody waved up at Farrah who yelped, started waving from her car at them.
"You think they'll be as good a kid as her?" Carrie asked as Brody eased his arm around her shoulder.
"First couple of years I think. Before we know it though they're gonna start playing chicken on the tracks, go for joyrides in the car," he teased as she rolled her eyes, softly smiled.
"I know. It just makes me want to meet them more."