Hey, it's your pal Motherfucker123 here, and as promised I've got less shit and more substance. First I'd like to respond to the two reviews I received:

HelloThereHowAreYou: Thanks for the review. I'm glad to hear you like the story and it's always nice to have you around.

Angavel: I'm glad you think so, and thankfully you won't have to wait much longer, right?

Just another thing I wanted to note: If I upset you solely because of the way I portrayed your political party, state, or opinion, just remember that I hate everything, but I hate the other party, states, or side just a bit less.

America turned on the news, shoving a cold bite of pizza into his mouth. He watched a commercial about Lysol, which was funny because America had forgotten Lysol existed after so long without seeing it. (Okay, it wasn't very long- but long enough to forget about a miracle cleaning product.)

The news was back on. On screen, a lady grinned pleasantly in what appeared to be a somewhat shitty basement. "Hey folks. If you're joining us, here's a quick recap: The Coloradan governor has announced that April 20 is a state holiday, effective today."

The screen segued into a scene of the Coloradan governor standing with a very grim expression on her face. She was a rather menacing woman, honestly. "Okay, folks," she cleared her throat uncomfortably. "I've got an important announcement today. April 20 is now a state holiday. We're aware of the coincidence, but we've decided that we don't want a repeat of 2019's… incident, not when we already had to do online schooling for another year, which, may I remind you, showed such obvious signs of failure. We're hoping this will deter anyone else from-,"

Someone in the crowd shouted, "Weed!"

The governor sighed, shaking her head. She looked greatly upset, somehow; America suspected that perhaps she was truly disappointed in her people. "Yes, sure. We made it a holiday because of recreational marijuana. Whatever you need to believe."

America turned off the news. He finished his cold pizza and then went to do something else.

America stood in front of his boss's desk. "Is there— Is there a reason you wanted me here so fast, Mr. President?"

"Yes. I had to talk to you."

"Okay." America waited a moment, and then another. When his boss didn't say anything, America said, "So... May I ask why it was so urgent? I... I had to drive down from New York. It took me a few hours." America wouldn't normally be so nonchalant, so informal, but it was hard to take his boss seriously at this point.

"Ah. Right, yeah." His boss went silent for a second, and then said, "I need you to do something for me." His boss slid a piece of paper across the table.

It had a list written on it, compiled from what seemed to be America's hot-button issues, or at least things that had been criticized heavily as of late:

A) Immigration

B) Gun violence/control

C) Healthcare

D) Climate Change

E) Electoral College

F) Illegal drugs

G) Abortion

America bristled. His boss continued, quite casually, "I want you to brainstorm ways to fix at least one of these."

"Um..." America frowned. "Okay. Healthcare. You know Medicaid? Keep doing that, but more. Pull an FDR."

"Well, no. We can't do that. Where do we get the money?"

"Maybe tell people to stop paying for health insurance? They'd already be covered."

"It obviously costs more than that, America."

"Sure, but how much more could it possibly cost? How much would it really affect people? Not as much as they think, but maybe a fair bit anyway."

"But the people don't know that," his President said.

"Well, shame on them." America wasn't going to let his boss humiliate him, but then, hadn't America spent a good portion of the past few years humiliated anyway?

"The people think that universal healthcare is socialism."

"Well, maybe education would be something to invest in, then."

America's President was delighting in his discomfort. Tough shit. "America, do you know why education isn't on the list?"

"Why?"

"It's an issue that mostly regards states instead of the federal government. Do you want to know another reason?"

"...No."

"A lot of Americans think that the education system is fine the way it is. They think they're very well educated. That's why education isn't on the list."

"Oh. Okay."

"So anyway, I'd like you to fix one of the issues on this list. I want you to really think it through."

"Mr. President," America blurted.

"Yes, America?"

"Did you ever read 'The Little Prince'?"

"I'm familiar with it, yes."

"Well, in the story, as you might remember, the little prince comes across a King that is always obeyed, but the reason he's obeyed is because he makes his commands reasonable."

"Right."

America sat there, staring at his boss. His boss stared back. "Mr. President, I don't think this request is very reasonable. The conditions aren't favorable."

"Well then, it's unfortunate that you don't live in a children's book, isn't it?" His boss smiled at him.

"I suppose so."

Alright, America thought. Solve my problems. This can't be too hard. There are plenty of people trying— why shouldn't I succeed?

America stared at the list for a little bit.

Immigration

America wasn't going to touch that. Anything he could say would only make things more complicated. If he suggested anything to his boss, it would go along the lines of, Well, I get that it could be construed as a problem, but...

Gun Violence

Is that a problem? America thought. He was inclined to think, at least for the moment, that it wasn't. He moved on.

Healthcare

America thought back to his meetings with his boss. He didn't want to talk with his boss again about that particular issue, so he wouldn't.

Climate Change

His boss wouldn't listen to him, and anyway, it seemed like a good chunk of his people didn't believe in climate change. It wasn't a majority or anything, but enough to whine about it. America didn't care about posterity, and he probably wouldn't be around by the time everything went to shit in some non-descriptive way. There was no reason to care— besides, anything he could say about climate change would be ignored, as everyone else knew what to do about it except for him.

Electoral College

America couldn't make states agree to the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact. He just needed to hope it all worked out in the end. The Electoral College had a few perks, many of them being outdated considering that electors had to do what was required of them. Swing states were becoming a problem, too, or at least it was a problem to someone that didn't like Florida for any reason whatsoever and didn't believe such a population should be so important in determining the outcome. Getting rid of the Electoral College would allow for the Republicans in California to be heard, which would be great for them. It would allow for the five or six Democrats in Wyoming to be heard, which would be better than nothing. One could argue that it kept the smaller states in the loop, but fuck if anyone outside of the smaller states actually cared about the smaller states. California and New York couldn't control everything; they didn't have a high enough population together. And anyway, why should California get fifty-five electoral votes while Wyoming received three, if California had nearly eighty times the population? Two freebies aside, that was still a bit of an issue, wasn't it? Why did Wyoming receive the same as Montana, if Montana had twice as many people?

But…

If the Electoral College was abolished, that meant that candidates might start to hone in on cities, even though cities tended to be more Democratic anyway. Perhaps a particular candidate would manipulate and twist words at the doors of Californians, New Yorkers, Texans, Floridians, and Illinoisans. It was possible; promises were enough to fool the American people, who seemed to be rather idealistic at times. Especially during a crisis, such as a pandemic or a depression or a war. Some candidates could even convince the Americans that a crisis had been in place when there was in fact no crisis. The Americans weren't infallible; they were people and they just wanted what was best, but it's easy to manipulate people into thinking that a certain something is the best.

This issue was a bit different because it required the smaller states to stop being assholes about the fact that they just never attracted as many people as New York and California did and now it was too late because everyone knew how fucked up everything was, but in the end it still boiled down to the same thing: like all American issues, the issue was complicated.

Illegal Drugs

America just laughed nervously at that one and moved on.

Abortion

America didn't really know what to do about this one, but he knew where he stood, and that was that there was no point at all in bringing children into the world if they were only to suffer and die as soon as they had come to get things figured out, and even less of a point if they were going to be born to parents that didn't love them, education cuts, poverty, and the feeling of general hopelessness that tended to permeate American air just as much as smog did. But that was an opinion heavily influenced by his own bitterness and regret at watching all of his citizens eventually die and also at being brought into the world at all, so he looked past himself.

The first thing to consider was that America really didn't care about anyone that wasn't an American citizen. No, seriously, he really couldn't give less shits if he wanted to. America cared about the existence of other nations and their citizens, but only out of politeness, and he only did that kindness to his closest alliances- think Canada and the UK. That didn't even really count.

The second thing to consider was that pro-life vs. pro-choice wasn't a real debate. Generally someone shouldn't be considered pro-life if they'd choose not to pay more taxes to further education for their state's youth when they could afford to do so, and would vote for a candidate based on what directly benefited them rather than considering how that candidate planned to fuck up the nation. Pro-choice was an okay term, but then if you changed the debate name to Pro- vs. Anti-choice, the name of the debate was biased in a different direction and Anti-choice was getting finnicky.

The third thing to consider was that this wasn't America's debate because he physically could not give birth, and thus he ought to just shut the hell up about it. So he did.

America went with healthcare. It wasn't like he gave a shit either way, but he brought papers to back up his argument.

"Mr. President-,"

"What did you decide to fix?"

"Try to fix," America corrected, because he was incapable of actually fixing his problems.

"What did you try to fix?"

"Healthcare."

"How do you want to fix it?"

America took a deep breath. "Universal-,"

"And how do you plan to do that?"

"Taxes, but-,"

"Ah!" His boss leapt up. "That's where the people will stop listening."

"But it's-,"

"AH!"

America flinched at the noise, taking a step back. He glared at his boss. Are you done? he thought angrily. "Oh, I see," America murmured instead.

"One of the main concerns with universal healthcare, aside from the money, is that it would decrease the quality of our healthcare."

"But we're only the forty-third highest ranking in life expectancy, so it can't hurt, can it?"

"Where did you get that number from?"

"The CIA's website."

"Well, get that information to the people, then. They won't care anyway; healthcare is fine- exceptional, even- if you have the money for it."

"What about all the Americans that don't?"

"They'll be seen as freeloaders. The Americans don't like that. America, this issue isn't simple. If it was, we would have made a definitive choice by now."

"Aren't you making a choice by not saying anything?"

His President frowned slightly, and then nodded. "Well, there's also the fact that every President has a different opinion. Things like this are bound to change."

"Right."

"Anyway, if you can't think of a way to get most of the people on board, then you should pick a different topic."

America sighed. "Alright. May I leave?"

"Yep."

America strode across the room briskly. He forced himself to be as gentle with the door as possible, and he was. He slumped outside for a moment, sighing. An agent told him to move. America obeyed.

If the Americans could be compared to loud, rambunctious, spoiled, and neglected children who happened to be armed, then the President could easily be compared to a somewhat emotionally distant, but still physically present, father. America had always thought it somewhat exasperating that he was handled so gently. Politicians tended to treat him like a child, one that needed to be appeased before it threw a fit, when they weren't being children themselves. America supposed that this was because he was armed and the government knew that they could only get so much easy support after putting down a rebellion, especially if they put it down without even pretending it was difficult.

By 2022, it was clear that many of the American people were playing a game called, "Don't be the sensitive little bitchboy". Fortunately it was an easy game, because if you played it it meant that you were winning. The game itself wasn't actually important, but it meant that the government could treat America like a hopeless, inactive adult rather than a jealous and idealistic child.

America did not like being treated like an adult one bit. He had genuinely thought that he would enjoy it. He had grown sick and tired of being handed stupid job after shitty job. America's entire job throughout the Cold War had just been to flex nice items, promoting capitalism as a way of life by doing so. These days, he could've sworn his boss just tested him, knowing that America would do and say nothing- that even if he said something, he wouldn't do anything.

"Pick a different topic," America mimicked. "Goddamn asshole." America could've picked apart universal healthcare himself. Why even bother with any of this? The whole thing about important issues like this was that they were complicated. The majority of Americans would never be on board with anything, no matter what. It certainly seemed that way, at least. If these issues weren't fucking complicated, they wouldn't be issues. They would have been solved by now.

The impossibility of the task only served to piss America off all over again. How was his boss really going to assign him something like this and then give him shit about how the Americans wouldn't agree? Who gave a shit anymore? They never agreed on anything, no matter what. How was America supposed to solve any of the issues mentioned when he had to make sure all of his citizens were happy with the solution before it was even enacted?

America's boss had to be mocking him at this point. That had to be it. His boss was laughing at his discomfort, reveling in his misery. Perhaps the rest of the Administration was in on it, too. So then the question was: Why? Why would they do something like that? And the answer was simple: America was perceived as young and inexperienced, hardly a representative of his country, and that was grounds enough for any old person to dislike him these days.

It was pretty common among the nations to humiliate the fuck out of each other, but this was different. Nations just engaged in petty banter; they were alive too long to really take anything seriously. This was much more personal. The idea that the Administration was laughing at America hurt a fair bit.

It was either that or his boss was just fucking stupid, and that thought comforted America a little, but not enough.

America was ashamed either way; he'd put this man into office, after all. It was either he was perceived as lesser-than by everybody in the White House or he'd voted in a fucking stupid piece of shit. Or both.

America would sleep this off, he decided, and he'd feel better in the morning. This assignment could wait, and for all that it mattered his boss could go fuck himself. What was his boss going to do, fire him over it?

America very much regretted voting this manchild into office. He was an hour away from Washington D.C., and he'd spent the entire week avoiding his assignment as much as possible, and now he had to get belittled by his boss all over again. He only had a bit longer of this shit- just two years. Really, it wasn't anything in the end, he reminded himself.

The radio couldn't cheer him up and only annoyed America more, so he turned it off. He drove the next hour without thinking at all, and when he got there he glanced at the piece of paper, reading through the options several times. For all the issues America had, most of them weren't listed here. "Fuck it. I'll pick gun violence," he said to himself. He got out of the car, sighed, and waited to be escorted inside.

(Linebreak.)

"So, what did you pick?" His boss asked.

"Gun violence."

His boss beamed at him. "Alright. What are your ideas?"

"I'm not sure yet," America admitted, hoping that this would piss his boss off enough to get even. "I think I'm going to ask some of my citizens."

His boss just smiled. "Alright, you do that. Once you've got some ideas, come talk to me."

America waited for him to say something else. His boss just stared at America, very much pleased. "Is that it?"

"Yep."

"If you just wanted me to pick gun violence the whole time, you could've told me," America cried, more than a bit flustered. Usually he was great at handling emotions, but this time he couldn't hide his discontent. He resisted the urge to grab the desk and ground himself, instead digging his fingernails into his palms.

"What? That's ridiculous." His boss just smiled again. "Do whatever you need to do and then come back with a request," he added.

"Okay."

America regretted picking gun violence. It wasn't that he didn't care about it. He really did, but only as much as he cared about immigration and climate change and abortion and illegal drugs and healthcare and the electoral college. Arguably, they were issues with widely varying levels of consequence, but America couldn't be bothered to care about any one more than the others.

He was stuck with it now, so he would have to deal with it. Like all issues, gun control was a highly complicated issue- for the moment America saw it as an issue- that couldn't be solved easily. America didn't have to solve anything, as it wasn't his job to do so. It was just his job to try.

America sat down at his desk and started planning the next day. Tomorrow, he would interview his people to see what they thought. He really had no idea where to start, and he wasn't looking forward to it. Still, it couldn't go too badly. America was sure he would hear something that he could use.

It's worth noting here and now that I'm a bit of a centrist, and you probably shouldn't expect any quality political commentary from me. That's about as much as one can expect from Hetalia fan-fiction, anyway.

Perhaps I was a bit hard on the Americans in general, with the education thing and the 'sensitive little bitchboy' thing. I love my compatriots, obviously, but I don't think I was mean enough to warrant deleting and rewriting. I already rewrote several issues; at this point this is just normal criticism in the form of horrible humor.

I'd also like to apologize for not including more current issues. I'm like a broken record, constantly spewing the issues of pre-coronavirus days, just drinking apple tea and reading and being sad. Anyway, this chapter is around 3,350 words without the ANs, so if you'd like to leave a review it'd be much appreciated. Have a good night/day and stay safe. Cheers.