As my favorite singer once so passionately rendition-ed, "It's been a long December."

HelloThereHowAreYou: Glad you enjoyed it. If you're reading this, thanks for sticking around such a long time. I really appreciate it.

'A man can be faithful and lazy' was one of the few things America remembered from The Little Prince. This described America very well. He was going to do his job, but if he wanted to whine and bitch about it the whole time, he damn well would.

Stop mass shootings. That couldn't be too hard, could it? America never had the impulse to kill people, much less walk into a school or bar or club or theater and shoot as many people as possible. (School shootings were sometimes targeted, though...) Clearly these people were the minority, and it couldn't be so hard to find and take down the 0.00001%, could it?

America slowly slid down in his desk chair. The usual goals of an American are either to find love or make as much money doing as little work as possible. America was not too intent on finding love, but he had a fixed paycheck, at least for the next several years. (Legally Alfred didn't exist, nor did he have any particular qualifications to be a part of the government, aside from military experience, so he was paid as a Senator because nobody knew what to do with him.) No better, no worse. He didn't really have to do this, except...

He couldn't get a pay deduction, but he could, theoretically, get fired. Granted, it hadn't happened yet, but America needed to at least be useful sometimes. America would have to do the work. He would retire when he won the lottery or found a briefcase of $100 bills, which was surely going to be soon, especially given his lifespan.

...

Most obvious way to stop the gun bullfuckery: ban guns, at least certain types of them. "Most obvious" was arguable, but banning a few types had mostly worked for Australia and the United Kingdom.

But... no. Alfred didn't feel like it, and anyway, that was quite impossible because of the Second Amendment and everything.

Besides, California was pretty strict on gun laws, and they still had loads of shootings. Although they had too big a population to not be pretty stellar when it came to gun deaths per capita (and maybe something else, like luck or something), America couldn't really congratulate them on that because he didn't care.

...

Second most obvious one: ban large-capacity magazines. This one could actually work, and America couldn't think of a particular reason that an American wouldn't be willing to make such a trade— it was, in a way, a bit similar to the healthcare they poured thousands of dollars into only to not go to the doctor or even quarantine when they were sick.

But California had tried this as well. Whether or not it worked, Alfred wasn't really sure, but the point was that California had done it. Anything California did besides all the great things (like having a large economy, having actual people instead of boards shaped like buffalo... oh, and their produce was fine too, since America relied on it) was a no-go to maybe a fourth or fifth of the general public, and that bit of the general public was armed, be it with mace or with firearms.

...

The easiest solution to this problem was probably just reporting people that needed to be reported; some people just couldn't be trusted with guns. America wasn't sure if everyone had gotten the message, but they probably wouldn't if it was sent out again. Really, even the military sucked at this. And anyway, since it was already required to report people that needed to be reported (such as for domestic abuse and a host of other crimes) the situation couldn't really be improved upon.

...

Another solution, slightly less easy, was requiring background-checks, even (or perhaps especially) during private-party sales— otherwise known as universal background checks, this was not nearly as controversial.

This would still be pretty easy. America couldn't imagine anyone complaining about it, except for maybe the people that couldn't buy guns after a background check was completed.

However, this could also be quite worthless. There was really no way to tell how many private sales there were because the States were all pretty shit at keeping track of things, things that benefited them politically and things that had nothing to do with politics and everything in between.

Plus, what if somebody wanted to gift a firearm to their kid? Wouldn't that be made illegal if every single private-party exchange had to undergo a background check? And there were a hell of a lot of other things that could go wrong with something like that. It may have been true that these same people were the ones that were tight about felons, perhaps rightfully so, but they liked laws that made their lives easier. If that meant a felon obtained a weapon every so often, so be it. America didn't really know why someone would want to gift a firearm to their children— the only reason he could really think of was if it was an heirloom from a war or something, and one usually didn't even need a background check for that. Although America couldn't see it, some families, particularly rural ones, liked hunting or going to ranges as a family activity. America figured that could mean a lot to someone provided the right circumstances. No matter what the gifting situation was, America believed in reasonable privacy and it wasn't any of his business.

But even if nobody wanted to give their kids firearms, Alfred just knew that this would result in a lot of shit. They'd title the bill something like "Bipartisan Background Checks Act of 2022" and then say, immediately, "People under the age of twenty-one can't buy guns anymore", but in a subtle manner that not many people would catch.

Politicians were sneaky bastards and they would get what they wanted, one way or another.

The most obvious problem was not any of the shit about politicians or even about young adults. The most obvious problem was that, even if America wanted to do this (which he definitely didn't), he wasn't a representative and he would need to contact one. But he couldn't just fully draft a bill and email it to his representative; law wasn't his forte, and at any rate he wasn't going to do something like that because it wasn't his job or even his obligation to do so.

No, what Alfred actually needed to do was find and manipulate a lobbyist to find and manipulate a representative— but that wouldn't work either, because lobbyists had agendas. They had shit to do. Professional lobbyists weren't stupid the way representatives could be stupid. And anyway, if America proposed a solution it had most certainly been thought about behind the scenes anyway.

...

Next candidate: more guns.

This wouldn't work for a few reasons, namely that there were only so many people properly trained to use a weapon. America watched a lot of TV and he envisioned himself as a hero; these were traits all of his people, and really a lot of people in general, had. Everyone envisioned themselves a hero, the sort that would save people, that would be heroic and go down in history.

While it was true that more guns meant more people to potentially fight off an attack, and while it was true that this did happen sometimes— well, America wouldn't call any of his people incapable because he didn't know, but it seemed at least somewhat likely that the moderately trained person ('moderately trained' meaning 1) a good shot and 2) unable to handle genuine adrenaline) would injure themselves or others in such a situation. Shaking hands, tunnel vision. If one didn't have proper training and/or experience handling a weapon when their lives were very well in danger, they were much more likely to injure themselves or others.

The problem with this assumption, that 'More people armed = less successful shootings' was that this wouldn't actually prevent shootings. It might stop a few people from dying, but prevent shootings entirely? A lot of mass shootings ended in suicide anyway, particularly those in schools. The assumption that mass shooters actually cared about their lives, even after they took a gun to innocent people, was a little too trusting. This assumption wouldn't even save America any trouble, but he continued to think about it anyway.

The more obvious fallacy was that there were already more guns than people in the United States. Adding more guns wouldn't do anything by now; it was hard to tell if it would worsen the situation, but it probably wouldn't make it better. The main argument for more guns was to arm teachers, but this wasn't likely to work. When people suggested this the assumption was that 1) a gun would be completely secure, probably in some sort of case— most likely not on the person, especially considering how many teachers were old and/or female; and 2) that this gun would be readily accessible in the event of an emergency. There was only a slight amount of coexistence between these two points, and there were very obvious reasons as to why this contention would cause significant issues.* (It was either one staff member was armed or a few/all staff members were armed, but nobody was going to pay for multiple staff members in each school to have a weapon. That was fucking ridiculous considering the state of American schools.)

In other words, 'more people armed = less successful shootings' was only correct if one assumed that everyone handling a gun was competent, and most people generally were not competent enough to successfully stop a mass shooting. This wasn't the fault of the people; it just made sense.

/

So then, if the main reason was incompetence, why not train people until they were competent?

Constant training would be required to make someone competent enough to handle a life-threatening situation. This would also keep the lower class from really having protection, not just because guns were expensive but also because it would probably take hundreds or thousands of hours stretched out through one's entire life to always be prepared to react to a shooting. One course wouldn't be enough; eventually people would grow soft.

The armed forces and the police force were the only groups generally well trained for fighting against armed aggressors. While regular Americans probably wouldn't need endurance and total control training, they'd need to know how to de-escalate a situation and how to keep their cool when they were in obvious immediate danger and multiple lives were on the line. This would take hundreds of hours over the course of a regular lifespan, because eventually— without total control and endurance training— a regular person would lose their ability to do so, especially if they weren't put into such a situation and didn't have a reason to believe they would ever face such a situation. This would probably cut off the lower class just due to the amount of time one would have to comfortably have available, but more importantly America would lose a lot of money to start a program like this. If he made people pay, less people were likely to go, and then there would be little point.

And then of course there was the selection process. Was everyone with a gun required to go? That would be a fucking nightmare for the country; everyone would scream that they were required to undergo lengthy government-mandated training and therefore were being oppressed; what would they even get for it, anyway? 10% off at stores? They weren't veterans; they wouldn't get shit. If the training was optional, a lot of people wouldn't show.

So: Was it practical to everyone (or at least a few million people) for a situation that would statistically never happen to them, just for the sake of theoretically saving a few lives? The answer was no. Was it worth it to go against practicality? America decided the answer was also no.

(Linebreak.)

America wrote all of his notes down, haphazardly, on a few loose sheets of paper on his way to D.C.

...

His boss didn't even read over his notes this time, and he didn't take the time to struggle through America's poor handwriting. The sense of satisfaction faded.

Actually, his boss literally slid his papers off the desk and said, "America, I don't think this is working for you."

"So what do you suggest, then?"

America's boss was silent for about a minute, and finally said, "America, I've been thinking about this for a long time. I think you should go to a school, and try to work things out from there."

"...How would that make a difference?"

"What if it does?"

America couldn't argue with 'what if's, so he reluctantly agreed.

A/N: 2,202 words. The culmination of several months of thought, as well as several small tragedies and a hundred meaningless victories. In other words, my dog is dead and my computer is fucked half the time now, and also I wasn't sure how to write this chapter until after I discovered my computer was broken. It's an old fucking computer and she was an old dog. Anyway, a review would be great; have a good day.