(A/N: This chapter contains violence, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and transphobic language and actions. Be safe and enjoy.)
At some point, Thomas slowly approached. He didn't speak - or maybe he did, and Alex couldn't hear over the sounds of his own crying. Alex felt a hand on his back, large and warm. It rubbed up and down, then in little circles. Alex finally glanced up at him after who knows how long, and found the other man's eyes were glued to the ground, even as he squatted next to Alex.
What made you think you could do this?! He heard a voice in his head shout. It was pointless to try!
"Come to bed." Thomas pleaded quietly. Alexander shuddered, leaning forward to hide his face in Thomas' shoulder. `
You can't even feed yourself! How could you take care of a baby?
Thomas carefully took Baby from Alex's arms. He hesitated, then stood up and left. Alex, with his hands now free, curled around himself. His fingers dug into his shirt, needing something to hold onto. Alex let out a loud sob. Angry images flashed in his mind, things he'd rather not think about. His head banging against a wall, over and over. A quick image of wrists, scared and bloodied throws itself to the forefront of Alex's mind, and he tries to push it away away away, but it won't leave his mind.
He doesn't realize that his hand was reaching under his shirt until his nails scraped up and down his skin, creating red, raw patches on his chest. The pain pulls him forward, sharpens his mind, but it doesn't help his spiral at all.
Hands are on him, pulling at his wrists, and firmly holding them in place, away from his chest. Alex had to look through his tears, peering at Thomas' furious expression.
Stupid stupid stupid. Alex hissed in his mind. Now you've mad Thomas mad, stupid stupid stupid-
"Looks like I need to hold the knife, now." Thomas said quietly. Averting his gaze, he shoves Alex's shirt down forcefully. Things are hazy, but the next thing Alex knows, Thomas' arms are wrapping around him, and he's being lifted off the ground.
Alex buries his face into Thomas' chest and tries to breathe. Thomas set Alex down in the wagon clumsily, before climbing in after him. He maneuvers the two of them until Alex is in his lap, facing him. Alex curls around the other man, pressing his face against Thomas' neck. The man rubs Alex's back and gently rocks them back and forth. Alex hiccups, but starts to calm down.
"I'm sorry." Thomas mumbled, "I shouldn't have let you do that…"
Alex's voice escapes him. It wasn't your fault. He couldn't say. I wanted to try. It was a mistake.
But then the voice in his head turns angry, out of his control. Dumbass, you knew this would make you dysphoric and you still did it?! You deserve this. You deserve to be in pain. It's your fault.
Alex squeaks and buries his face deeper into Thomas' warmth. He holds Thomas tighter, tries to force the thoughts away. Thomas rubs his back as he cries himself to sleep.
Alexander glanced around as he pulled out his phone. The cold winter wind made his hair blow and he tugged his jacket closer around himself. He scrolled through his twitter feed, trying to distract himself as he walked home. It was dark outside, and he had just left his debate club. His dorm was on the other side of campus.
It was his first year at college, fresh off the boat, and he had yet to make any meaningful friendships. His roommate, Aaron Burr, was pretty cool. He didn't mind the whole trans thing, and that was really all Alex knew about him. Still, Alex liked his company. He wouldn't say they were friends though, not yet. But maybe buddies? Acquaintances? He wished he knew what Aaron thought of him, but he figured, in the long run, it didn't matter. He'd probably just get a new roommate next year, anyway.
Alex just retweeted a post about the importance of voting when someone shouted at him, "HEY TRANNY!"
Stupidly, Alexander stopped. He turned and looked behind him to see two big guys. They were in his debate club meeting, but Alex didn't know them. They don't usually show up to the club. Alex frowned, "My name's Alexander."
"You ain't foolin' no one, sweetheart." The first guy said, walking up to him. He made a crude hand gesture to his chest, resembling breasts, with a wild grin on his face. "We all know you're'a chick."
The second guy laughs and grunts, "Like she's not even tryin'."
Alex grits his teeth but doesn't step back. He won't back down, regardless of how much his heart is pounding. "Duly noted. Is that all?"
The two guys took another step towards him, cracking their knuckles and squaring their shoulders. The first one muttered, "Yeah, one more thing. See, we don't like trannies runnin' 'round our town. So either knock it off, or get your shit handed to ya."
Now Alex was getting worried. He glanced around, wondering if he could outrun them. He wasn't the fastest runner in the world, but he's got good relefects. If he could duck around a corner or sprint into a building, he might be alright.
He makes his decision, swallowing his pride, he turns on his heel and sprints. He doesn't get further than three steps when one of them grabs his backpack and yanks him backwards.
"Aw, she thinks she's quick." The second guy said, snaking an arm around her waist. Alex tried to elbow him, but the other guy grabbed onto his wrists. They both kept behind him, out of reach of his legs. He might be able to kick backwards, but he wouldn't be able to aim. Still, he struggled, screeching.
"Let go of me! Let go!"
The first guy nods to a back ally and Alex realized the fundamental problem with having buildings close together. They create perfecting hiding spots for creeps. One of the guys grabs his chin and twists his head so he has to look at them.
"Sucks that she's kinda cute." The first said. "Hate to have to mess up that pretty face."
Alex spit at him, and the man recoiled. He growled angrily and pulled back his fist. Guess Alex made the decision for him, cuz that man was ready to beat something. Alex closed his eyes and flinched, preparing for the worst.
"Hey! What're you doing!?" A voice called.
Alex twisted around as best he could while still in the other man's grasp. Great. Another man. But this one looked furious, he was storming down the alley towards them, pulling out his phone, "If you don't piss off, I'm calling the police."
"This ain't your fight, man." The second one said, "Just go on your way and it'll be fine."
The new guy didn't hesitate at all. Instead of calling the police, he takes a wild swing at the guy who was holding Alex. Since he had his hands full, he couldn't defend himself. He screamed and dropped Alexander, who scrambled away.
Alex ran to stand behind the new guy, which felt cowardly as all hell, but he didn't have many options. The first guy, shocked, stared as the second guy pulled his hand away from his nose. It wouldn't stop bleeding. Alex had never seen a broken nose that bad.
"You're next." The new guy said darkly, stepping forward. The two attackers scrambled, apparently unwilling to get in a real fight. They held up their hands and ran off, leaving Alex alone with the new guy. Which, really didn't make him feel much better.
"Um… thanks." Alex said warily.
The man bent down and picked something up. He turned to Alex and handed him his phone. He must've dropped it in the fight. Alex took it and checked to make sure it wasn't broken. It's still good.
"You're Alexander, right?" The man said, "My name's John. I think we have history together?"
Alex frowned, but nodded. "I don't know, I sit in the front… I don't really see who sits behind me."
John shrugged, "No worries. I'll sit closer next time." His smile fell slightly as he looked Alex up and down, "Are you alright?"
Alex nodded, "Yeah, they didn't hit me or anything."
John cleared his throat and gestured down, "You're fly is…"
Alex checked and, yup, the zipper was open. He didn't even know when that happened. He quickly zipped it back up and fought down the nausea. He didn't even want to think about what would've happened if John hadn't shown up.
Suddenly his knees went weak. He wobbled and stuck his hand out to hold onto the wall next to him. He felt sick. His vision turned a little black.
"Hey, whoa, calm down." John said. He reached forward, like he wanted to touch Alex, but he didn't. He kept his hands off of him. Alex wasn't sure if he was thankful for that or not. John made sure that they were making eye contact as he said, "It's okay, man. You're alright. No one's gonna hurt you anymore."
Alex shakily nodded, but he still wanted to cry. He didn't know what to do. He'd never been attacked before. Or assaulted or anything. Sure, people have been mean to him, rude to him, but no one's ever touched him like that. He was on the verge of panicking.
"I'm going to walk you home." John said, firm and demanding. "You'll be safe with me."
Alex agreed. He wanted nothing more than to be home right now. John confirmed that he was okay once more before they headed off down the street. Alex kept glancing around, still on edge. John kept his head high, and chatted easily, no doubt trying to calm Alex down. He did manage to get Alex to smile twice, so he considered that a success.
About a block away from Alex's dorm, John's cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the screen. Alex saw the name 'Sam 3' light up. John frowned a little but answered the phone.
"Hey, baby." He said, then his frown grew bigger. He licked his lips and said, "I know I'm late, but… No, hey, that's not-"
John paused in his steps, shoving his free hand in his pocket. He suddenly looked very small. Alex stopped next to him, his arms wrapping around himself to combat the cold. John shifted on his feet, his eyes on the ground.
"There's this boy- no, babe, not like that, I swear. He was being- I-I'm walking him home." John glanced up at him, his eyes wet. Alex took a small step forward, but John looked away, hiding the emotion on his face. "I would never- o-okay. Yes, yeah. I'll be home soon."
John paused, listening to what the other person was saying. He swallowed hard and mumbled, "I love you, too."
He hung up then and Alex didn't even pretend to act like he wasn't listening. He put a hand on John's shoulder, convincing the other man to look at him, "You okay?"
John nodded, wiping at his face. "Fine."
"Was that your girlfriend?" Alex asked.
"Boyfriend." John replied quietly, "He's- uh - he's mad because he thinks I'm cheating on him or something. With you."
Alex frowned, "We just met."
"He's paranoid." John shrugged it off, starting to walk again. Alex followed after him, the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, "He made you cry."
"No, it was my fault." John said, laughing it off. His laugh sounded weak and watery. "I was supposed to be home twenty minutes ago."
Alex scoffed, "You have a curfew?"
John shrugged again, quiet. He cleared his throat and said, "Your dorm is right up there, yeah? Can you make it the rest of the way on your own?"
Alex glanced at the building, he could see a few people walking in and out of the front doors. He nodded. "Yeah. Will you be okay?"
"Of course." John said with a big smile. "Never been better. Just take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you in History?"
"Sure. Sit next to me, if you think about it." Alex said, waving as John started to back away.
John nodded, still smiling, as he said, "See you later, Alex-gator."
Alex stood there, watching as John walked off. The man's shoulders were slumped and he was texting on his phone while he walked. Although the entire encounter was strange, Alex was thankful that he showed up.
Exhaustion weighed him down, he slowly made his way back into his dorm. When he opened the door, his roommate, Aaron, was asleep. Alex didn't blame him; he wanted nothing more than to curl up and drift off.
As sleep overtook him, the last thing he thought of was the funny stranger with freckles that saved him. He wondered what the future held for him, and if the man would really bother to sit next to Alex in their next class together.
When Alexander woke up, he was still wrapped up in Thomas' arms. They were in the wagon, and the horse was slowly pulling them down the road. The wind whipped far above them, rustling the trees. Alex blinked slowly, feeling warm and safe. He yawned and pressed his face closer to Thomas' chest. The man chuckled softly, and Alex looked up at him.
"Good morning, darlin'." Thomas said, "Sleep well?"
Alex shrugged and glanced over at Baby. She was asleep, curled up in an insane amount of blankets. She was fine. Probably as hungry as Alex was, but alive.
Alex let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes. Thomas shushed him and brushed some hair out of his face gently. "You're okay, you're okay."
The smaller man nodded, but didn't push himself up. He stayed pressed up against Thomas, his body feeling like lead. He couldn't move even if he tried; although his hands couldn't stop shaking. He wasn't fully sure why; although he felt bad, he wasn't about to have a panic attack. Maybe his blood sugar was low.
Alex snorted at himself. Of course his blood sugar was low, he was fucking starving for Christ's sake. It had been a while since he had a full stomach. His body agreed with him; his stomach growling loudly.
Thomas' hand landed on Alex's stomach, a familiar weight that calms him slightly. Thomas' eyes are darting back and forth as he was deep in thought. Finally, Thomas looked up at Alex and smiled, "Hey, let's pull over and heat up some food, yeah?"
Unable to speak, Alex nodded once more. After Thomas nudged him, Alex forced himself to sit up straight so Thomas could stop the horse.
Alex sat, fiddling with his fingers, while Thomas jumped off the moving wagon and brought the horse to a stop. Thomas then grabbed one of their bags and looked through it. Frowning, he set it back into the wagon, careful not to bump Baby. Thomas goes through their other two bags until he finds what he's looking for. He pulls out a single can of beans, looking up at Alex with worried eyes.
Alex glanced from the can to the bag, then to Thomas' expression. His heart sinks once it all clicks. He finds his voice. It cracks when he whispers, "That's all?"
Thomas nods silently. He takes a deep breath and then gestures to the side of the road. "I'll start a fire."
Alex doesn't move. He stares down at Baby as Thomas runs off to heat up their beans. Numb, Alex imagines them starving to death, slowly getting weaker and weaker until they both just collapse. And what about Baby? What could they possibly do to help her? She might just barely be old enough for solid food. It'd have to be mashed up…
Time passed quickly, because the next thing Alex knew, Thomas was coaxing him to climb out of the wagon. Alex holds onto Thomas' hands as he jumps down. He leans against the side of the cart while Thomas grabs Baby. Alex silently follows him to the makeshift fire, where the beans were heating.
Sitting in the dirt felt natural to Alex now; chairs were a luxury that they didn't have. He stared at the fire, huddling close to himself. Thomas shot him a worried look, but didn't say anything as he balanced Baby in his lap.
Thomas scooped out two spoonfuls of beans into one bowl, handing it over to Alexander. Alex stared down at the bowl in his lap. The thought of eating was nauseating, and yet, Alex wanted nothing more than to go to a buffett and eat everything in sight.
Finally, Alex pulled up the courage to pick up some beans and shove them into his mouth. The heat burned his tongue instantly, but Alex refused to spit the beans out. He angrily chewed, shoving more and more of the beans into his mouth. His fingers hurt and he wanted to swallow his own tongue, but he couldn't stop himself. With watery eyes, Alex looked up at Thomas.
The other man was mashing up the rest of the beans, which wasn't much, into a pile of mush. He then blew on the food to cool it off a bit. Baby was awake and glancing around, wiggling in Thomas' grip. She babbled and whined, getting ready to cry.
Before the baby could, Thomas pushed a finger smeared with beans into Baby's mouth. Baby's little lips wrapped around Thomas' finger. She frowned, clearly confused. Thomas removed his finger and Baby instantly spit the beans out. The goopy brown mess rolled down her chin and Thomas sighed. Fruitlessly, he pushed the beans back into Baby's mouth, but she wouldn't take it. Refusing, she spit the beans out again and again.
Thomas' frustration was growing, this much Alex could tell. Thomas muttered to himself as he grabbed another finger full of beans, "C'mon, c'mon, please, just-" Baby spat the beans out and squirmed, pushing Thomas' finger away. Thomas' voice rose angrily, "just-jUST EAT!"
Baby started to cry, wailing loudly. Alex scrambled forward, grabbing Baby from Thomas' lap, and holding her close to him. Thomas threw the bowl of mashed beans into the dirt in a fit of anger. He stomped his good foot and hissed out, "Goddammit!"
Alex bounced Baby carefully, trying to sooth her. Meanwhile Thomas was breathing hard by his side, staring into the fire with wet eyes. Alex didn't know what to say. There was nothing that would fix this, nothing that would make him feel better.
"She won't stop crying." Thomas said, his hands shaking.
"Because you scared her." Alex replied, feeling anger boil inside him. Not anger towards Thomas, but to their situation. He was always angry at their situation, it seemed.
"I'm trying to save her!" Thomas shouted, which only made Baby scream louder.
Alex let out a sharp sigh and whispered to Baby a lullaby, hoping it would calm her down. He sang quietly, "Some bright morning, when this life is over, I'll fly away. To a land on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away."
Thomas' shoulders relaxed as Baby's screams quieted. She was watching Alex, reaching up to play with his hair, as he continued to sing, "I'll fly away, oh Lordy, I'll fly away, in the morning." Alex made eye contact with Thomas as he sang, "When I die, Hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away…"
Baby was quiet now, with just a few babbles and grumbles. Alex wiped the tears off her fat cheeks and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. She blinked hard and let out a gurgle.
"Alex," Thomas said, his voice open and sincere. He was facing towards Alexander, his hands in his lap. His fingers were gripping his knees as if he were falling from a cliff and his own knees were the only way to safety. Alexander stared into his puffy eyes, watched his throat constrict as he swallowed. "I-"
Before Thomas could say anything else, a round of bullets shot through the air; destroying the silence like thunder. The horse whinnied and tried to run off, but Thomas had tied it to a tree. It stomped its hooves as the sound waves settled.
Alexander uncurled himself from around Baby, looking up to see a figure standing just a few feet before them. Thomas scrambled to his feet, but he didn't have a gun with him. He fumbled for the knife that he took from Alexander last night.
"What the fuck?" Alex whispered, ignoring Baby's screams.
The figure was human, that much was sure. They were too smooth, too confident to be a zombie. They were covered in dark clothes, that hid their face well. Slowly, they walked forward, their guns raised and pointed at each of them.
"Who are you residing under?" The person said. It was a woman's voice, that much was obvious. Alex didn't relax; he had no clue how to answer the question.
"W-what?" He asked.
The gun pointed towards him clicked threateningly. The woman repeated, "Who are you residing under? Jackson?"
"Uh- no, no." Thomas said, "My name's Thomas, and- and this is Alexander. We're just, you know, trying not to die."
Alex nodded frantically, "Yeah, yup, so let's keep that streak going, alright?"
The woman took another step forward. Alex wished he could see her expression. Her mask had white cat whiskers on it, and that was all. He couldn't tell if she was still angry or not. She spoke again, tone hard, "Give me the baby."
"What?!" Alex and Thomas said together.
"Give me. The baby." She repeated, her head turning slowly as she spoke. She was looking between them, no doubt, "Or I'll take it."
Thomas stepped in front of Alexander, raising his knife in defense, "Absolutely not."
The woman shot her gun into the air, causing both of the men to flinch, "Don't make me have to kill you for it."
Alex looked up to see Thomas' muscles tense. He stayed still, unmoving, as a human shield in front of Alexander. He shook his head, "You're not touching our baby."
"Pity." The woman sighed, "You're awfully cute."
She pointed her gun at Thomas' chest. Stupidly, Thomas started running towards her. He slashed at her with his knife, and she kept having to step back to avoid getting hit. It was working, since that meant she couldn't really shoot him.
Alex sat frozen watching the fight, clinging to Baby. Suddenly, the woman struck. She ducked down, leaned back, and kicked her leg right into Thomas' good knee. He crumbled instantly with a cry of pain. The woman turned her attention to Alexander. Alex reached forward and grabbed a flaming branch from the fire. He held it up, between Baby and the woman.
When the woman stepped forward, Alexander stepped back.
"Give me the baby." She said.
"Why do you want her?" Alex asked, his voice shaking.
The woman sounded delighted, "She's a girl?!"
Alex took another step back and waved his branch around threateningly, "What are you going to do to her?"
The woman didn't reply to him, instead, she put one of the guns into the holster that was on her hip. Alex doesn't know how, but the next thing he knew, the flaming branch was being twisted out of his grasp, and his wrist hurt like a motherfucker.
He yelped in pain, before he could recover, a fist was being thrown at his face. It landed on his right cheekbone, and Alex was seeing stars. He swung his free hand wildly, but it's impossible to fight with a baby in your arms.
The woman grabbed onto his free arm and yanked it around, pressing it already hurt wrist up against his shoulder blade. Alex almost dropped Baby then, but he refused to give up.
That is, until a gun was pointed at the small of his back. Alex froze up then, fear shooting through him like, well, like a bullet.
"Give her to me, and you live." The woman said into his ear, "Don't, and, well," she cocked her gun.
Alex shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant, "Do it. Existence is pain."
The woman scoffed for some reason before turning the gun towards Thomas, who was still lying in the dirt. "Really? Does he have the same opinion?"
Thomas looked up, realized a gun was pointed at his face, and then immediately looked to Alex. He shook his head minutely, like he was afraid too much movement would get him killed.
"Alexander." He breathed quietly, "Don't."
This wasn't a choice. Alex had no options. If he didn't give her the baby, Thomas dies, she shoots Alex, and then she gets the baby anyway. If he does, well, at least they live. But even then, once she has the baby was stopping her from shooting them anyway? Alex closed his eyes and thought, frantically trying to figure out some solution where they come out on top.
There were none.
He had to do it, or else they were going to get killed.
"Okay! Okay." Alex said quietly. The pain in his shoulder lessened slightly as the woman loosened her grip on him. Alex knew better than to try anything; the gun was still pointed at him. "Okay, you- you can have her. Just, just promise me you won't hurt him."
"Alexander!" Thomas growled, angry and in pain. He tried to get up, but once he put pressure on his good knee, he cried out and slumped back into the dirt.
The woman, gun still pointed at Alex, walked around him and held out her arm. Shakily, Alex handed Baby over to her. His knees were weak and he wanted to cry, but at least no one got hurt.
Just as Alexander thought that, the woman slammed the butt of her gun into Alexander's head and he blacked out.
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