A/N: Kurt and Sebastian take their son Thomas camping for the first time. This one-shot was written for the Kurtbastian Hiatus Project prompt 'camping'. FutureFic, angst, AU, humor, fluff.

Scritch-scritch…crunch-crunch…(wiggle)

Crinkle-crinkle…crinkle-crinkle…(shimmy)

(Bounce-bounce-turn)…(shimmy-shimmy-turn)…

"Fuck!" Sebastian groans, his whisper hushed but in the quiet of the tent, it's harsh and loud.

"Sebastian!" Kurt hisses over his shoulder. "Language! I don't want Thomas to hear you."

"I can't help it!" Sebastian whines. "The ground is hard and I think a root is digging into my hip."

"Well, you set up the tent," Kurt chides. "You have no one to blame but yourself."

"Yes, I do." Sebastian nudges Kurt in the back with his knuckle. "I blame you."

Kurt scoots back a bit, leaning on his side to peek at his husband in their cramped quarters, careful not to wake their son who is resting in his sleeping bag an inch away from Kurt's nose.

"Me?" Kurt asks, incredulous to his husband's outrageous accusation. "Whose idea was it to go camping anyway?"

"Irrelevant," Sebastian replies smugly.

"Irrelevant!?" Kurt nearly forgets himself and yells. "You were the one saying how you wanted Thomas to have the same rough and tough experiences you had as a boy. Take him out camping. Let him rough it. It'll put hair on his chest. Those were your exact words!"

"Maybe," Sebastian concedes. "But whose job is it to make sure we don't follow through with my stupid ideas?"

Kurt sighs, turning back over on his side away from his husband.

"Well, excuse me for thinking this idea had merit."

"When does sleeping out in the cold ever have merit?" Sebastian argues.

"I don't know," Kurt sneers, kicking his leg back an inch and nailing Sebastian in the shin. "I'm quite enjoying myself," he says sarcastically. "Aren't you?"

"Yup, I'm enjoying myself alright," Sebastian sneers back. "All 6' 2" of me shoved in a two-person tent that smells like old farts with a dog's ass in my face."

Sebastian looks up for good measure at the quietly snoozing labradoodle whose hind legs are resting on his head.

"First of all, this is your old scout tent," Kurt points out. "And dog butt can't be helped. You know we couldn't leave Hepburn behind."

Sebastian and Kurt sigh in unison.

"Look," Kurt says. "We've only got, oh, seven hours till sunrise. Why not, in the interest of family fun, we make the best of things and then chalk this up to a learning experience."

Sebastian sighs again, but the tension in his body relaxes when Kurt snuggles back against him.

"Okay," he relents. "I'll make the best of it, but I won't like it."

Kurt reaches back and pats Sebastian on the cheek.

"That's all I ask."

Sebastian grabs the opportunity and kisses Kurt's fingers.

"Besides, it looks like Thomas is enjoying himself," Kurt says.

Sebastian lifts up a bit on one arm to look over Kurt's body at his sleeping son.

"Yeah," Sebastian says with a fond grin. "Little guy's out like a light."

Sebastian settles back down beside his husband and prepares himself for an uncomfortable night of non-sleep.

The silence creeps in around them until all they can hear is the sound of their own breathing.

And then, a small voice pipes up.

"Daddy?" Thomas mutters. "Papa?"

Sebastian rises back up on his elbow to look down in Kurt's face while Kurt looks bemusedly back at him.

"Yes, Tom-Tom?" Sebastian asks his surprisingly wide awake son.

The boy pauses a moment to choose his words carefully.

"This kind of stinks."

Kurt stifles a laugh and Sebastian shakes his head.

"No, son," Sebastian says. "That's the tent."

Kurt can't help himself, barking out with a laugh that wakes the poor, drowsy dog.

"Can we stop camping?" Thomas pleads.

"We thought you fell asleep hours ago, sweetie." Kurt cranes a hand up between them and ruffles Thomas's hair.

"No, I was just pretending so you wouldn't feel bad," the boy admits. "And daddy?"

"Yeah, Tom-Tom?" Sebastian asks.

"You owe the swear jar a quarter."

That comment makes Kurt laugh louder, but Sebastian pounces on the boy, struggling to tickle him through his thick sleeping bag, the whole tent rustling and swaying as if caught up in a strong wind.

"Okay, okay, okay," Kurt chortles, trying to separate father and son. "Let's pack it in. This tent is too small for all this rough housing."

"Fine," Sebastian says, grabbing the giggling boy out from his sleeping bag, unzipping the door of the tent, and dragging him out. "Urgh!" Sebastian stands up straight, groaning when his spine crackles and snaps as he stretches to his full height with his son tossed over his shoulder. He takes a deep breath of the night air to clear the foul stench of the tent from his nostrils, then turns on his heel and heads for the house.

"Thank goodness we stayed in the front yard," Kurt comments, following his husband and son out.

"Shouldn't we bring the tent in?" Thomas asks, keeping an eye on Hepburn to make sure his dog follows them inside.

"Nah," Sebastian says. "If someone needs a skunky ass tent that badly, they can take the damn thing."

"That's another quarter," Thomas chirps. Kurt shakes his head as he hears the boy dissolve into giggles at the hands of his husband. Kurt waits for the dog to race inside the house and locks the door behind them.