Catherine

Quiet bird songs. The smell of freshly brewed coffee slowly awakening my senses. A vicious pounding behind my retinas.

I cracked an eye open with difficulty, taking in the unfamiliar white duvet I was buried beneath, the white walls, an enormous painting of a city scape on the wall- New York maybe? I shut both eyes again, rolling over onto my back, my bare skin gliding beneath soft sheets.

…fuck.

I forced my eyes open, squinting against the brightness of the room as I lifted the blanket tentatively, as though I might somehow be mistaken.

The soft curve of my breasts greeted me; the flesh of my pale stomach.

I dropped my head back into the plush pillow, attempting to piece together my night as I slowly adjusted to the asylum-like white of my surroundings.

There was whiskey, that much I knew. The expensive kind, like earth and smoke. I felt my stomach turn over at the thought, running a hand through my tangled hair.

Liev, his throaty laugh and midnight eyes. My hand on his thigh, tossing waves of blonde hair over my shoulder in an effortless act of casual seduction. Not that I needed to bother- I knew that he wanted this since he waltzed into the lab, all lingering gazes and unwarranted confidence. I remembered his hand on the small of my back as he guided me out of the bar, moving up my thigh in the darkness of the cab. I remember his mouth, rough and desperate against my pale flesh.

I heard rustling from somewhere outside of the bedroom, glancing warily over at the open door. This was not an ideal situation. I took a quick account of the room, spotting my bra discarded over by the large dresser, my pants laying near the edge of the bed. I was too old for these sorts of liquor fueled escapades, I chastised myself tiredly.

Pushing myself up, I reached down to untangle my underwear from crumpled pant legs, quietly cursing them as I fumbled impatiently with the lacy material. My mother had been staying with us temporarily to allow Lindsay a few nights at home, returning late from bridge night- lightly intoxicated and overflowing with wine induced contentment. I had slipped into impractically high heels with a general air of unease, painted on a layer of subtle lipstick for good measure, trying not to take my suppressed frustrations out on my mother and her irritatingly good mood. I left determined, confident and painfully overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed because… Sara.

I dropped the newly freed item onto the bed beside me, weakened by the memory, a wave of nausea washing over me as I pushed back my hair.

Sara's pursed lip smile as she locked eyes with me from her seat on the balcony, beautiful beneath the soft glow of lights. Sara's strong thigh beneath my fingertips, her chocolate gaze completely disarming as it travelled over my body. Sara's body pressing Sofia back against the balcony rail, the blonde's throaty moan loud enough to hear at the end of the long, open hallway.

I had gone up after a lengthy internal debate in the confines of my car, parked in front of her building. Confusion had been tainting the soft edges of time spent with her, acutely aware that 46 was an absurd age to be questioning something as basic as my sexuality. Was sexuality actually all that basic?

These were the questions plaguing my anxious mind beneath the glow of fluorescent street lights, one foot hovering over the gas pedal while my fingertips played lightly over the smooth handle of the door.

I wanted Sara. That was what it came down to. Sense and consequence took a backseat to the fact that I was never one to question my impulses, so I firmly decided: fuck it all.

I chuckled humorlessly as I pulled dark jeans up my legs, body sore in all those familiar places. For someone so sure of herself, I had made a lot of questionable decisions in the span of 12 hours.

The worst thing that could happen, I assured myself on the short walk to her building, was she would invite me in for a drink and I would go home in an hour. It would be nice to soak in the feel of her warm apartment, take in all of the small details I hadn't been able to the last time. I wanted to be her sole focus, just for a while.

I hadn't accounted for her beautiful, heartbroken girlfriend, or the fact that this wasn't a fucking Nicholas Sparks novel.

I remained statue like at the top of the worn cement steps, forcing myself to commit the scene before me to memory as a vicious reminder of what wasn't mine. My eyes burned with the image of Sofia tearing the brunettes shirt over her head, pushing her back against her door roughly, kissing her tenderly. It was when she dropped to her knees, mouth trailing over Sara's toned stomach as she popped open the button of her jeans; Sara's hand tangled in her golden hair while the other fumbled for the door knob that I turned away.

I felt bile rising in the back of my throat, my chest tight. I needed something. I loathed the out-of-control feel of needing anything, but in that moment I couldn't fight the overwhelming desperation for an indefinable something. I turned, quietly making my way back down to the safety of my car, immediately grasping for my phone resting in the center console. I flipped to the unread messages in my inbox, Liev's name standing out like a lifeline.

"Good morning beautiful"

My eyes shot over to the doorway, Liev in a pair of tight grey boxers, holding a steaming cup of coffee. I eyed the mug longingly for a moment as I slid an arm over my bare chest, eyes flicking up to meet his with a forced smile.

"Morning" I slid off the bed to retrieve my bra from the ground, grabbing my shirt in the process as I padded to sit on the other side of the bed, my back to him. He chuckled lightly.

"Come on now, I think we're a little beyond being shy"

I scowled at the wall as I pulled on my shirt, tussling out messy hair with tired fingers before turning back towards him, trying to keep the slight distain out of my eyes. I had asked for this, after all. He had done nothing wrong.

"I'm making breakfast- I thought we could spend the morning together" His weight sunk into the mattress beside me, passing me the coffee. Too groggy to deny it, I accepted with a hint of a genuine smile, taking a drawn out sip of the perfectly made liquid, reveling in the simple comfort.

"Maybe have a repeat performance of last night…"

I sighed, swallowing as I pushed the mug back at him, ignoring the confused look coloring his handsome features as I stood up, glancing around for my purse.

"I have a daughter to get back to, and work to do"

"You work the night shift, and isn't she at school?"

I shot him an irritated glance, turning in a rapid circle on the plush carpet as I scanned the room.

"Okay, you got me, I just can't be here right now" I brushed past him into the massive living room- also white I noted with a hint of misplaced irritation.

"Catherine, can you just slow down for a second"

I spotted it next to my jacket that had been discarded carelessly on the floor. I had a vague memory of being pushed up onto a desk, eyes falling on a large surface with a few items and papers littering the ground around it, confirming my suspicions.

I turned back to him, shrugging my black leather jacket on with a sigh. "Liev… last night was fun…"

"Let me take you out. A proper date" he moved towards me, my eyes taking in his handsome features, his chiseled form. He was everything that I would classify as 'my type', right down to the olive skin. And yet, I felt nothing aside from a wave of unease every time those dark eyes fell on me.

"It is really not a good time for me"

He moved into my space, reaching out to brush blonde hair away from my face, dark eyes traveling over my features with a soft smile.

"You seemed to be having a pretty good time last night" he sighed, leaning back slightly to rake his eyes over my form. "You are so god damn sexy, you know that?" he mused, fingertips trailing down my jawline. I moved away from his touch, eyes a dangerous mix of warning and distain as I turned to go, "I know".

I exhaled deeply as I found myself alone in the spacious hallway, nails digging painfully into the flesh of my palms.

/

Popping two extra strength pain killers into my mouth I mumbled an expletive at an obnoxiously loud truck trying to wedge itself into the endless line of traffic in front of me. Tossing back the lukewarm coffee I had stopped to grab on my way in to work, I cursed my mindless decision to take that unnecessary detour.

An accident on Flamingo had two lanes closed down, my fingertips drumming anxiously against the steering wheel. Where were all of these people going at 8:40 on a Tuesday night anyway? I frowned at the glow of tail lights in front of me, adjusting my focus towards the distant mountains, silhouetted against the burnt orange sky.

By some miracle I made it on time, breezing into the break room with a forced air of confidence. I could handle facing Sara without replaying last nights scene on repeat; I was ready to delve straight into whatever we were assigned, caffeine-trembling hands and aching head aside.

I sighed, shooting Greg a tired smile as I went about preparing myself some herbal tea, wondering for a fleeting moment who exactly it was I was trying to fool.

Sara was the next to filter in to the break room a few minutes later, brown eyes immediately meeting mine with a soft smile. I felt my stomach turn over with nausea while butterflies rose in my chest, eliciting some sort of half smile, half grimace that I tried to conceal behind a sip of tea. A hint of concern tugged at her features, about to speak when her eyes flicked up to Greg who had made his way into the center of the room, steaming cup of coffee in hand. She froze, staring at him with an unreadable gaze as he slowly made his way towards her, extending the mug out tentatively like some sort of peace offering.

I leaned back, crossing my arms loosely over my chest as I witnessed this bizarre exchange.

"Peace? It's my finest brew. I promise I'll be mature about this"

She eyed him up for a long moment, irritated expression finally softening into submission as she took the mug from him with a nod of thanks, dropping down into the seat next to me.

"Are you going to tell me what the hell that was about?" I asked incredulously, glancing between the two of them.

Greg glanced over at Sara, as if awaiting permission to spill whatever it was, an almost giddy look in his eyes. She frowned, gesturing vaguely towards me before sinking back in her chair, letting her arm fall in defeat. "It's really not a big deal. Greg called to check in on Sofia this morning…"

Greg was at my side immediately, sparkling eyes betraying his casual tone. "I just wanted to see how she was holding up, after everything, you know" I glanced over at Sara who had flipped open an issue of Forensic magazine, eyes staring blankly down at the page as she sipped her coffee. "But guess who accidentally answered, all grumpy and sleepy"

Sara shot a glare over at his grinning face. "Stop naming dwarves"

He ignored her, rubbing his hands together with child like excitement. "Can we please talk about this? How long have you two been hiding this from us?"

Her deepening glare did nothing to deter him, rolling his toffee eyes with a soft smile. "Come on, I told you when I was dating Rachel, that crazy hot rookie from Chicago"

Sara scoffed, flipping shut the magazine she had been half-heartedly pretending to read. "Key word- crazy. You went on three dates with her and she turned out to be a complete nut case"

I raised an eyebrow at her harshness, the little unintentional pout on her lips almost comical. He just smiled, pointing at her knowingly.

"So it's been more than three dates"

She ran a hand through dark hair, shaking her head lightly, a hint of a smile playing over her features. Glancing over her shoulder cautiously to make sure no one else was within earshot, she turned back to him in defeat.

"Okay, yes. It's been more than three dates, but I haven't even figured out exactly what it is we're doing, so I would prefer not to talk about it, okay?"

He raised his hands in surrender, shooting her a grin. "I'm just happy with the knowledge that it is happening"

She rolled her eyes and I took another long sip of lukewarm tea, looking everywhere but directly at her.

"Glad to hear she finally reached out"

She shifted her focus over to me, nodding softly. "Yeah… turns out its not that easy for her to accept a shoulder to lean on"

I couldn't have held back the scoff that escaped my lips even if I'd tried.

Right- a shoulder, to lean on.

I avoided her furrowed brow gaze, raising my cup to take a drawn out sip of tea, trying to ignore the increased pounding behind my eyes.

I was saved from any further scrutiny by Warrick's arrival, offering us a half hearted wave as he made a bee line straight for the coffee.

"Blue Hawaiian, freshly brewed for your drinking pleasure" Greg leaned back in his chair with a grin, Warrick shooting him a grateful look over his broad shoulder. "You're a god send man, thanks"

"Rough day?" I met his bright eyes as he came to take a seat next to me. "You have no idea- Nick and I just finished pulling a double about…" he glanced up at the clock hanging on the far wall, "four hours ago. Let's all pray for a quiet night"

I raised my mug slightly in agreement. "Amen"

He lifted an eyebrow in amusement, "Says the lady who got two days off this week" he pointed a finger over at Sara, "You both should be feeling fresh as daisies"

"Well I know at least one of them has been busy with some… extra curricular activities" Greg waggled his eyebrows at Sara who's expression darkened into a warning glare.

"Stop"

Warrick chuckled behind a sip of coffee, offering the brunette a sympathetic glance. "He knows?"

She gave a silent nod and Greg's brow knit slightly, gesturing towards Warrick dramatically. "Come on, you told this guy before me?" He glanced over at the other man, taking in his slightly raised eyebrows with a feeble smile, "no offence"

"Can we get on with our night please, where is Grissom?" I interjected, glancing up at the clock- 9:20. It wasn't like Gil to be late for evening assignments.

"He's still in a meeting with the undersheriff, presenting the finalized verdict of the Sedin and Scott case to the D.A"

Oh, the ever present misogyny of this place. Of course the undersheriff would hand pick Gil to present the case, despite his obvious disinterest in the task and inability to navigate those delicate waters.

I scoffed, running my fingers tiredly through my hair, "with the grace of god I'm sure"

Sara's dark eyes fell heavily on me, forehead creased in confusion "what is up with you today?"

I glanced away, over at the unusually still hallway. "Nothing, just a long night".

When I met her eyes again they were still clouded with confusion, undoubtedly wondering what I meant by that, as I had dropped her off at nine with the intention of a hot shower and an early night.

I was pleased by her uncertainty. I wanted it to sit in her mind like a stone, heavy and unrelenting. I wondered if the thought of Lievs strong hands on me would rattle her, raise bile in her throat the way Sofia's mouth against her soft skin burned the back of mine. Just because I read lust in her eyes without a shadow of a doubt, it didn't mean that she wanted me in any other sense. Did I want her in any other sense?

I was torn out of my thoughts as well as my unconscious staring match with Sara by Warrick's deep voice, "Hey, Sofia"

Just fucking perfect.

My eyes flicked over to the doorway, the blonde's strong form standing uncertain in the doorway. A ghost of a smile passed over her lips as she glanced at Warrick, glacial eyes falling on Sara who had turned around to regard her softly. She wore all back, a tight shirt that hugged all of her muscled curves. She was bare-faced, hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, effortlessly beautiful. That irritated me almost more than her presence, watching as she moved into the room.

It's not that I wasn't sympathetic to her experience, and deeply grateful that she had made it out alive, but she had been a tough pill for me to swallow from the start. And now…

She glanced briefly around the room, doing a double take at Greg who was sporting an unnervingly wide grin. Her forehead creased lightly as she furrowed her brows at him in confusion, Sara whipping her head around to shoot him a warning look so penetrating the smile practically melted from his features.

"Hi you guys" she greeted, the look of concern that she had entered with still deeply set on her face.

"I just heard… I'm heading to Sedin's memorial service right away, I just wanted to check in. I figured you would already be on your way"

She stood next to Sara, resting a hand on the back of her chair- not quite touching, but the intimacy was obvious. I glanced at the confusion coloring everyone's faces. "What are you talking about?"

Her bright eyes met mine, lines furrowed between her eyebrows. "No one told you? They found another body that matches the MO of your serial cases. Down in the outskirts of Henderson- just outside of Mission Hills"

My nausea returned ten fold at her words, eyes immediately darting over to Sara who met my gaze briefly, suddenly looking just as pale as I felt.

"It just came in, Jim's already on his way… Where's Grissom?" She asked, echoing my previous question. I was on my feet at the same time as Sara, anger bubbling up in my chest at the lack of consideration of me as an authority figure, available to step-in in situations exactly like this. "For his sake, I hope no where nearby".

Sara brushed past Sofia, her hand settling on her waist for a fleeting moment, speaking something quietly to her before following me out into the hall, rushing to keep up despite her mile long legs.

"Hey, I'm sure he's just tied up in a meeting, you know how it is" I dismissed her words with a wave of my hand, "Then the case should have been directed to me… the job of distributing cases should have been passed off to me".

Her hand on my arm halted my furious progression. I hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning to look into soft brown eyes. Her hand slid down my arm, gripping my hand gently "You're right, absolutely, but try to focus all of this energy into the case, okay? You know it isn't the time to address this"

The warmth of her fingers wrapped around my hand was too much; the flashes of last night still assaulting my mind- out of control of my own judgment. The six lifeless bodies of young girls that had haunted my mind for months were flashing through my consciousness on repeat. The thought of Lindsay's bright smile panic inducing instead of comforting.

Her thumb rubbed softly over my skin and I felt the prick of tears behind my eyes, pulling my hand away harshly.

"… Just grab our kits, okay? I'll find out the address"

My voice sounded hollow, fury temporarily put on hold as I spun on my heel, overrun with a deep seeded exhaustion as I continued down the hallway with a tightly clenched jaw.