Those of you that take a minute to tell me your thoughts- I really appreciate it. Thanks for reading!
Catherine
The smell of sweat and expensive cologne. Rough hands travelling over my skin, grasping my hair almost painfully- this once was like igniting a fire. This once was enough.
I once was a simpler woman.
His guttural grunts against my neck were… ineffective. The feel of his strong hips rocking between my thighs, my body moving like ocean waves. It wasn't always like this. He may not have sparked any romantic feelings, or been the optimal person to wake up to, but he had been doing a fine job at distracting me from my vast array of unwelcome thoughts.
But now…
The charcoal black of his eyes was unnerving, the roughness of his hands felt wrong. The weight of him was suffocating, but I needed this to work. I needed this distraction, this perfectly sensible relationship to come to some sort of fruition.
I closed my eyes, trying to focus on something else. Someone else. The clean cut defense lawyer that had given me his number a few weeks ago, voice thick and deep, eyes like a forest… I groaned quietly in frustration, Liev taking this as a sign that he was doing something right, mumbling something intimate and unintelligible against my neck.
Hesitantly I allowed my mind to wander to her chocolate eyes- the intensity behind them. The penetrating way that she had looked at me in my office the other night. Her earthy smell, the thought of her strong body on top of mine, finally. A break in the tension between us.
I wrapped my legs tighter around frantic hips, nails digging lightly into muscled flesh with a quiet moan, slipping into my own secret reverie. My sudden participation pushed him over the edge, hips jerking, grunting out his release.
I sighed as his weight settled on top of me for a long moment, before rolling heavily away. I pushed a hand through my hair, panting up at the ceiling. He disappeared into the bathroom and I was grateful for the space. He had a propensity for closeness afterwards that I never shared.
I slid my dress, bunched up around my waist, back down. We were already late for Greg's birthday, a hint of guilt tugging at my mind as my phone vibrated lightly against the dresser. Liev wandered languidly back in, unashamed in his nakedness. He really was handsome- chiseled features, a body that at any other point in my life I would have praised. He sat down next to me and my eyes slowly trailed over his features, the slight wrinkles around his eyes soft, barely worn in. He hadn't even reached 40.
I offered a soft smile as he leaned down to cup my cheek, running a thumb over my skin gently. The tenderness I found in his gaze was almost unbearable.
"You're beautiful, you know that?"
Pushing myself up beside him, adjusting my dress to cover exposed cleavage, I turned to brush my fingertips over his jawline gently.
"Where were you back there?" he nodded backwards at the bed and I smiled softly, letting my hand rest on his cheek for a long moment before dropping it away.
"Just worried about the time… we're running late"
Pushing off the bed, I padded over to the mirror of my vanity, frowning at the sight of my mussed hair that had been flawless before this little tryst.
"So, who is it you're trying to devastate?"
"What?" I furrowed my brows slightly into the mirror, running fingers through my hair. He smiled, gesturing vaguely at me.
"You look incredible"
My black dress was simple but hugged every curve- long sleeved, offering a glimpse of cleavage without exposing too much. Gold earrings hung low, almost blending into my loose strawberry hair. Dark makeup accentuated my eyes, without falling on the wrong side of excessive. It was a simple look that I knew would hit hard- he had me there. I was counting on the attention.
I shot him a smile before reaching down to grab his brown shirt off the floor, tossing it at him as I walked past the bed.
"Get dressed"
/
Joes was a run down bar sandwiched between a twenty-four hour donair shop and a seedy tattoo parlor, far enough away from the strip that tourists rarely wandered in. It had been a cop haunt long before I had first set foot into it, some fifteen years go- a well known spot for an after work beer or six, depending on the day. You could always count on running into a familiar face with an open ear and intimate understanding of the trials and tribulations of the job. I used to drag Grissom here religiously on Friday nights, back when I still had hope of him finding some semblance of a social life.
Greg was the first to spot us as we entered the intimate yet crowded space, eagerly making his way through the masses. I hadn't seen it this busy in years, though word of the party had spread through the lab like wildfire, everyone in desperate need of some lighthearted fun.
Liev kept a protective hand on my shoulder, even as Greg came to sling an arm around my waist with an enthusiastic grin. I pulled away from his possessive touch, shooting a warning look over my shoulder as I leaned in to wrap my arms around Greg.
"Happy birthday, having fun?" I shouted into his ear. He smelled of boyish cologne and tequila- the latter definitely had Nick or Sara behind it I noted with amusement. Likely both.
"You look incredible" he yelled excitedly over the deafening hum of voices and music. "I mean really. Thanks for dressing up for me"
He added a wink, shifting his smile towards Liev with a kind greeting before looking to me with a nod towards the dance floor.
"Since it's my birthday and all…"
He looked so hopeful that I couldn't hold back a soft chuckle, glancing over at Liev.
"I'll grab you a drink- white wine?"
I bit back the desire to ask for something stronger, instead just giving a nod and a grateful smile, allowing Greg to lead me away.
It felt incredibly gratifying, swaying freely, lost among the throngs of people. I was comfortable here, with the weight of hungry eyes on me. My confidences were always a touch higher when I was dancing; when I knew I looked good.
I allowed Greg to spin me around, dip me backwards. laughing as he pulled me back up, clinging tightly to his bony shoulder. I missed this easy love, this uncomplicated sort of fun.
"You guys are really showing us up"
I brushed wild hair away from my face, meeting Nicks warm coffee eyes. He was swaying with Sofia, an arm draped casually around his neck, beer bottle resting loosely in her free hand. There was an effortlessness to her beauty that was enviable- makeup-less face, a loose fitting navy jumpsuit somehow accentuating every curve of her body, thick hair pulled into a messy ponytail, strong arms the color of golden honey.
Glacial eyes gave me a slow once over before meeting mine with a hint of that ever-cocky grin. I felt a subtle flutter in my stomach, thoroughly surprising myself. She was hardly my type, but those eyes- I couldn't deny that they could be utilized like weapons.
She tipped back a long swig of beer and Nick sighed, glancing at her with an edge of irritation at her obvious disinterest.
"You know maybe if you put a little effort in we might look better up here"
He took the blondes hand, raising it up above them. She eyed him for a moment with heavy apprehension before relenting, turning in a gradual, unenthused spin, leaning back into him with a throaty chuckle, that soft implacable lilt to her voice.
"I'm sorry, but what were you thinking asking me to dance?"
"Your grace is inspiring" a husky voice sounded behind them, Sara's dark head appearing over Sofia's shoulder, amused smile gracing her lips.
I wondered if Greg could feel the sudden tension in my body, the way my attention was entirely hers. Four drinks in, I knew it was doubtful.
"You finally ready for a dance?" Greg slid his arms away from me to reach eagerly for the brunette who quirked an amused eyebrow, holding her hand up firmly.
"No, that's still not ever happening. I'm here on a delivery"
Dark eyes drifted over to me, raising the wine glass in her hand with a soft smile. I ignored the way my heart jumped, forcing my emotions to make way for a conjured confidence, sending her a flirtatious grin.
It was Eli who ultimately swooped in to rescue Sofia from any more forced dances with an offer of a cigarette break, the blonde sauntering away from us before all the words had even left his mouth. Sara chuckled at his eagerness, closing the distance between us.
"Doesn't it bother you?"
She quirked an eyebrow as she handed me the wine "Eli? Please"
Their dynamics were so foreign to me.
"I can't really take credit for this, it's compliments of the man at the bar" she leaned in to speak this against my hair. I glanced over at Liev who had made himself comfortable, nodding at me with a smile. God, he was so obnoxiously sweet I almost deplored how deeply unmoved I was by him.
A violent bump against my side served as a reminder the dance floor wasn't the ideal place for a conversation. I turned towards the tables, reaching out to grasp Sara's hand in mine under the guise of keeping close, leading us away from the swarm of moving bodies.
I really believed I had a solid hold on my compose, a swing of confidence to my hips as I lightly brushed my thumb over her skin, pulling her behind me. It was when I paused, glancing around for an empty table that she closed the distance between us, body molding against my back, leaning down to let hot breath play over my ear. Her free hand grasped my hip, assumedly for balance, but I felt her pull my body back into her ever so slightly as her gravelly voice spoke, "There's a spot in the corner"
My breath caught audibly in my throat, the sound lost beneath the thumping beat. I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to drop my head back against her shoulder as a wave of desire washed through me so heavily it made me shiver. Stone cold sober, at the peak of my confidences, and she was able to reduce me to this. I drowned my wine in a single shot, praying she didn't notice the obvious falter in my composure.
Desperate to have her to myself for a while in this relaxed state- playful, a little drunk- I ignored the familiar faces gesturing towards empty seats at their respective tables, leading her to the only vacant space in the corner of the bar. I was hesitant to let go of her hand, cool and soft in mine.
She was so different away from work, so much more at ease. We spoke about Lindsay and plans for her birthday. About Lady Heather showing up in Grissoms office on 'unofficial business' the other day. We drank and laughed and her eyes barely left mine. My leg was resting casually against hers beneath the table- an accidental connection that had gone unadjusted.
Eventually; inevitably, other showed up and Sara was pulled away and Lievs hand came to rest on my thigh beneath the table- a soft, burning reminder of who I was going home with.
/
"San Francisco wasn't like this, you know- respect was top priority. Not to say there isn't respect here, I know you respect me… "
Wendy's brow furrowed lightly; thoughtfully, raising her beer to her lips. I'd lost count of how many either of us had consumed, as well as the direction of her ranting thoughts. Something about the lab, or the authorities. We all had our issues with the current state of things at work, it was hard to keep track of everyone's personal grievances.
"Right" I assured her absently, my gaze focused on the thinning crowd. Greg had become friendly with a woman I didn't recognize, seemingly charmed by his drunken affection. Sara was leaning against the bar, in a deep conversation with Sofia and Brass, who had managed to make a last minute appearance thanks to a slow night at PD.
I'm not sure how I hadn't noticed the sensual ease behind everything she did- how she drank her beer, the casual way she held herself, the way her smile spread slowly throughout her features- soft and disarming. The toughness that she had always tried so hard to emulate seemed to have faded into a quiet sort of confidence in herself, her steadfast convictions, her actions. It was a slow transition that I had never paid enough attention to notice, but I saw clearly now.
She laughed, pursing her lips into a smile as she tucked a strand of wild hair behind an ear and I felt a familiar flutter in my stomach, raising the glass that had been hovering absently in my grasp up to meet my lips.
I was treading so deeply in unfamiliar waters here. I wanted her with a burning sort of desperation, but there was still the lingering fear that this feeling would dissipate if this attraction ever came to any sort of fruition. Not once in 46 years had I ever desired a woman in this way. Not once in 46 years had I wanted someone so deeply. The arm sliding around her neck, younger body leaning into her as she spoke intimately against dark hair was a sharp reminder that this was a pointless concern. The 7 years of conflict and general disregard for her made these thoughts even less realistic. I glanced down at my empty drink with a hazy dissonance.
Wendy seemed distraught, still speaking about something I had stopped listening to entirely. Regardless, the confidence she was putting in me, liquor fuelled as it may be, gave me a certain, acute tenderness towards her. I suppose we could consider each other friends….
"Have you ever been with a woman?" I interrupted, her words coming to an abrupt, mid sentence halt as dark eyes darted over to me, eyebrows raising. Somewhere between amusement, disbelief and confusion, a smile played over her lips.
"Never mind" I cut her off before she could answer with a half hearted wave of my hand, clearly I was a few drinks too deep. I whirled the melting ice around in my glass absently, the sharp edges of restlessness beginning to set in.
"Sexually? Yes. Romantically… yes" she answered, my eyes drifting back up to meet hers in surprise.
"I dated a woman in Frisco for two years" dark eyes met mine again, trying to gage my reaction. "She was a nurse, her name was June, and we were… too different in ways that it's important to be similar"
My attention shifted to her fully- the sudden sadness in her features, thin fingers trailing an invisible line on her beer bottle absently.
"I loved her more than anyone I've been with- though that doesn't take away from what I have now"
Eric, the sweet man that I had met a handful of times, bringing her extravagant lunches in the lab. He was a handsome college professor that she seemed to genuinely want to love, but hadn't quite reached that height.
"And the 'sexually' part?" I asked after a moment, assuming that was a different story entirely. She glanced down at her beer, taking a quick swig before meeting my gaze again with a sly smile.
Definitely a different story.
"Christmas party, two years ago. I had just started here, and she was having a rough week. There was way too much tequila involved, and she was… a smooth talker"
She glanced over at the bar and I followed her gaze straight to the place my eyes had been trained for most of the night. My stomach dropped violently, eyes tracing over Sara's form with a shock wave of jealously laced surprise. Wendy hardly seemed like her type, though I suppose I really didn't know the first thing about her type. Pain in the ass blondes with superiority complexes, maybe.
Sofia, doubling over with laughter at her side drew my attention long enough for it all to fall neatly into place- Wendy's drawn out stares, her surprisingly fierce protectiveness...
"Sofia" I spoke softly. She smiled, though a hint of misery remained.
"Yeah. I always thought maybe we could eventually be something… but she's never looked at me like that" she gave a nod towards the bar in reference, Sofia beaming at the relaxed brunette. Their happiness made my stomach turn.
A sudden knock on the table surprised me, a gin and tonic to replace the one I had finished plopped down in front of me, sloshing slightly at the impact. I glanced up at Mandy, who dropped down into the seat next to me with a sigh. I raised my eyebrows in bemusement, glancing at the drink suspiciously.
"Thank you…"
"This is all getting very hard to watch" she motioned at the two of us, adjusting her glasses absently.
"You," she shifted her dark gaze to Wendy, speaking before either of us had a chance to question her "need to let her go, man. You are too good to be pining over a woman who you casually hooked up with two years ago"
Wendy frowned, Mandy's gaze shifting to me before the other woman had a chance to formulate a response.
"And you… looked like you could use another drink"
A smile tugged at my lips- I could respect her straightforwardness.
"You've been watching me?"
She scoffed in amusement, "everyone in here has been watching you, it's actually a little unnerving. But, being impartial to your good looks, I've actually been noticing you"
I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning back to observe her fully, wondering where the hell she was going with this. She mimicked my position, bold as always in her own quiet way.
"Every moment you're not staring, moony-eyed at her, she's staring at you"
I frowned, opening my mouth to speak but she cut me off sharply
"Those two," she gestured absently behind her "are not in love. Two moody peas in a complicated pod, obviously- hooking up, definitely. But there is no romance there. Trust me. She's been eye fucking you all night and I know you've been sitting over here pining. You two have been dancing around this for months"
Well Jesus fucking Christ, was it that obvious?
She leaned forward so that she could lower her voice an octave.
"Look, I know this is none of my business, but I needed something to focus on besides Hodges relentless whining tonight, and I am not one to sit by and watch romance slip pointlessly away. Also, I severely detest your current choice in men. No offence"
I laughed, hair tumbling over my shoulders as I leaned forward to rest an elbow on the wooden bar table, examining Mandy with a new found appreciation and slight distain. She leaned back, taking a sip of her own drink as she glanced out at the crowd.
"Tonight would be a good night for bold moves, that's all I'm saying"
/
Manicured nails tapped against the dark wood of the bar as I glanced around anxiously. I had gently but firmly sent Liev home alone, uninterested in any of the liquor fuelled ideas he had whisper-shouted into my hair as he slid a hand roughly up my thigh beneath the bar in an attempt to be suave. My mind was a hurricane of workplace stress, sexual confusion, irritation and gin, and I needed some distance.
Mandy's words still fresh in my mind, I was on a quiet mission to find Sara. I'm not sure that any excess boldness was the right course of action tonight, but I needed to find some sort of clarity.
Heading to the back of the bar, I slipped out through the heavy door into the cool city air. The breeze was a relief against my overheated skin, running a hand through my matted hair as I glanced around for any sight of her.
It took a few moments, clicking across cracked and uneven pavement with a surprising level of coordination before I spotted her, leaning back against the brick wall, an ember glowing in the darkness, resting between her fingers. A lazy half smile spread across her features as I met her gaze.
"Are you hiding from someone?"
I made my way over to her, admiring the way her dark leather jacket clung to her form.
"Sofia. We made a stop-smoking bet, I faltered" she smiled again, raising the smoke up in reference before tossing it down to stub out with a booted toe.
I chuckled, moving to lean next to her against the wall.
"Hasn't she been smoking all night?"
"Yeah, she owes me a pretty penny"
She stared at the sky for a few long moments before shifting against the wall to face me.
"You, uh" she pursed her lips into a smile, glancing away for a moment "you look beautiful"
I stared at her, blinking beneath the distant streetlight, heart suddenly in my throat.
"I mean, you always do. Just, especially tonight. That dress is…good. I am rambling…"
She smiled down at the ground, the light blush to her cheeks visible even in the near darkness.
"It was nice just being with you, tonight. I missed that… I missed you"
The sudden lump in my throat surprised me, not one to be moved to tears often. But that warm, tender look in her eyes was so sincere, my fingernails digging into my palm in an attempt to keep from reaching for her.
"I…" I began, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.
Fuck it all.
I closed the distance between us, stepping into her arms. Patchouli and earth; the steady feel of her. I slid an arm around her waist, the other reaching up to tangle tightly in dark waves. I felt the ghost of a smile against the sensitive skin of my neck as returned the embrace.
I was completely overwhelmed by her, yet entirely at ease. Comfortable, while my heart was pounding out of my chest. I curled my fingers into a fist, holding onto her unruly hair like a life line, eyes pressing shut.
She ran a hand over the small of my back- probably meant to be comforting, but paired with her hot breath against my neck, desire washed over me like a wave.
On its own accord, my hand slid around to grasp the front of her leather jacket in a loose fist, the fingers in her hair becoming nails at the back of her neck. Gently scraping over the warm skin beneath them, my heavy lidded eyes drifted open, met with the sight of glacial daggers bearing directly into mine.
Oh god.
I instantly released my grip on her jacket, holding the approaching blondes gaze steadily as I took a few silent steps backwards. It took Sara a moment to register the approaching footsteps, the violent swing in the blondes confident swagger fuelled entirely at this point by tequila and distain.
"Good to see you two getting along" she spoke casually, though the look she had directed at me was anything but. Eyes like god damn weapons. Sara turned, an easy half smile skirting over her lips as she regarded the other woman warmly.
"I wasn't smoking" she blurted. I wasn't sure if it was cute or disheartening that that was her concern here.
"Yeah, you're full of shit" Sofia muttered gently, shifting her electric gaze towards Sara with a softened edge. She ignored me as she stepped into the brunettes space, sliding a hand to her waist, tilting her head ever so slightly to capture her lips in a kiss.
It was soft, simple and devastating, their noses brushing gently. The intimacy of it- these moments they shared every day. Sweet and commonplace. I felt it like a blow to the chest.
She pulled back far enough to raise an amused eyebrow, clearly tasting the linger remnants of smoke. Nodding her head towards the street, she took a few steps backwards.
"Cab's on its way"
Bright eyes shifted over to hold mine for an intense moment- a warning- before sauntering back off towards the street.
My chest felt tight, nails speared into my palms. She knew- without a shadow of a doubt, she knew. Sara, oblivious to everything, turned to me with more of that tender eyed sweetness that did nothing but add to my overall sense of crippling anxiety. I needed to go.
"I'll see you tomorrow" I choked out, brushing past her as I moved back into the bar. She called out after me- something indiscernible, drown out beneath the violent click of my heels.
A pair of deep grey eyes locked with mine from a seat at the quiet bar as I powered past- a rugged man, salt and pepper hair, just unruly enough to intrigue me. My pace slowed for a moment, eyes scanning over him with momentary consideration. It would be so easy…
He tilted his glass of whiskey towards me slightly with a soft smile- an invitation. I forced my nails deeper into my skin, offering a brief smile before continuing towards the door.
The cab ride was quiet and sobering, a message from Sara vibrating the phone held loosely in my hand- hope you made it home safe… breakfast after shift tomorrow?
I tossed it into my clutch, focusing on the passing lights.
I was grateful to see nothing but darkness as I walked up the stone pathway to the front steps of the familiar house. I didn't need any questions tonight. Fumbling with the small rocks lining the garden, I slid the key out from beneath the smallest one, letting myself in quietly.
I abandoned my shoes by the door, padding quietly up the stairs. I slipped into the small room as silently as possible, stepping over piles of clothes and books as I made my way to the bed. Easing down onto the mattress, I reached out to brush messy blonde hair away from Lindsay's face. She shifted slightly, before settling back into unconsciousness.
Sliding beneath the patchwork quilt Nancy had bought her years ago, I settled in next to her, resting my hand gently on her small shoulder. We had been at odds lately- though that wasn't unusual. I worked too much and she couldn't understand. I dated men she opposed of. She just wanted to be at home.
"Mom" she whispered sleepily, rolling over onto her back to blink tired eyes up at me.
"Hey you… I didn't mean to wake you"
"Are you okay?" she frowned, reaching up to touch my face softly, brushing away a stray tear that I hadn't realized had fallen.
"Yeah" I offered her a reassuring smile, "I just wanted to see you"
She kept her warm hand on my cheek for a moment, before letting it fall away.
"Is it Liev, did he do something?"
I shook my head, shifting down to lay fully beside her.
"It's just been a really long week. Can I stay with you?"
She nodded, a sleepy smile passing over her features before rolling onto her side, sliding back into my arms. I smiled against her hair, the familiar scent of peaches.
"You look really pretty" she whispered drowsily, before drifting easily back to sleep. As soon as her breathing evened out, I allowed it all to reach me- the stress of the case, Liev's unwanted touch, Sara's steady embrace, Sofia's warning eyes. Silently, I allowed tears to fall against messy blonde hair, holding her closely.