As always, thanks for reading. Happy Holidays!
Sara
Ten words for love- anger, aching.
The burnt orange walls of our trailer weren't thick enough to keep my parent's rage from seeping through. My fathers baritone voice seemed to penetrate every corner on the worst days, my mothers cries always manic, never muted. The full experience of dysfunction laid fully out for me at the tender age of seven.
My mother came to me once, drunk and wild, staring at me from the doorway of the kitchen with a cigarette hanging loosely between her fingers. I was upset by their fighting and she told me in the most comforting way she knew how that they fought because they loved each other- that he yells because he cares. I remember calling bullshit. I remember the ashes piling up at the end of her smoke, eventually floating heavily to the ground- the chaos in her eyes, unnerved.
I buried myself in books and waited for the days that my mother was out and my father was calm, unrecognizable from the short fused alcoholic he had been hours before. He read me pages from whatever book he was engaged in at the time, far too advanced for me to grasp, but I eagerly soaked up every word. He taped nature documentaries for us to watch together, praising me so deeply when I came home with good grades that I made sure to never let them drop. But eventually my mother would come home and set him off with some offhand remark and I would retreat back to the shelter of my room and tell myself that this was just a confused form of love.
Tenderness, volatility. A boy who ricocheted so quickly between softness and brutality that it made my parents relationship seem cohesive; came from the same sort of malnourished roots that I did. We fueled one another's dysfunctions. He was my first brush with love.
The softest woman I have ever known took me with all of my damage and deeply fractured understanding of love, holding me as though she wasn't being sliced with every jagged edge. Patience, affection. She molded me into a softer, gentler woman at the critical age of twenty-two. The difference between patience and understanding led to our eventual downfall, my heart wounded for so long I was certain it was just another permanently disassembled piece, but I owe the beginnings of my healing to her.
Understanding, safety- the steady hand on my shoulder on the un-steadiest days, offering a cigarette when my fingers were aching for one, lips fervent against mine when I needed a distraction. She slept beside me to keep the loneliness out, whispered sarcastic comments to me beneath her breath to keep me smiling on hard days. She inherently knew what form of love I needed when I needed it. It was honest and raw and unconditional. Of course Sofia understood that I had feelings beyond attraction for Catherine before I did, of course she ended things to allow me the freedom to explore it. Of course I got defensive when my heart was touched and fell into a panic. Over the past few days I had managed to alchemize everything into a clearer understanding, but not before hurting her and inevitably myself and creating an even deeper pit of complication.
Desire, passion.
I wasn't naïve enough to call this love, but those bright eyes burning into mine with something besides fury was enough to set every nerve ending on fire. There had never been passion lacking between us, but it was typically followed by something volatile- anger, frustration, arguments, insults. Take away the negative and we were left with passionate conversations, palpable tension, impassioned kisses against her office door.
I couldn't think about it without desire taking hold- the sound of her moan against my lips, the feel of her bare skin beneath exploring hands, her body flush against mine… I knew we had been building up to something, but despite every signal she had given me, I hadn't realized it was this.
I had meant what I had said the other night, chain smoking outside of the lab before shift, awkwardly trying to express myself to her voicemail. I didn't know what this meant, but it was something. It was more than an attempted relief of tension, which had ultimately done nothing but amplify it ten fold. These feelings were newly discovered, having been masked heavily beneath layer upon layer of frustration, but her eyes had always swayed me. Being close to her had always shaken me. I had always enjoyed her company in pointedly different ways than anyone else. And now… I was sitting outside of her house with a gift for her daughter in my lap and butterflies wreaking havoc in my chest.
It didn't matter that my first understanding of love was tied to fear; to anxieties. That it took me twenty more years to learn that love can exist without equal amounts pain. That the echoes of trauma still reverberate through me like ghosts. I could be something good for her- as a friend, as a lover- assuming that's where this blind, winding path was leading.
Right?
I stared at my reflection in the rearview mirror, unruly hair tamed for the moment, leather jacket wrapped around me like a protective second skin. I dropped my shoulders, taking a deep breath. Relax.
A sudden bang startled me, jolting wide eyed towards the sound. Azure eyes met mine in amusement, a typical smirk set on painted lips as Nancy observed me with crossed arms through the drivers side window. I shot her a look, pushing open my door.
"Lindsay and I have been waging bets on how long you can avoid coming inside, but she's starting to worry that you might not. I'm here to strong arm you in"
I smiled sheepishly, pushing back a stray lock of hair. "I didn't realize I was being watched"
She chuckled as I stepped out of my SUV, tucking Lindsay's gift under my arm.
"Fighting with my sister again?"
She asked this casually, though the amusement that flashed through her eyes suggested that she knew exactly why it was I was hiding out in the street.
"Something like that" I mused, falling into easy conversation as we made our way towards the house. Nancy had always been the calm to Catherine's storm- similar, yet elementally different. Infinitely easier to navigate.
The living room was decorated in a mix of pink and grey, a string of letters spelling out HAPPY BIRTHDAY hanging neatly across the wall. Nick was lounging on the couch, a beer in hand as Greg and Lindsay huddled on the floor over a Risk board laid chaotically out on the coffee table, quietly strategizing. She glanced over her shoulder, eyes lighting up as she pushed up onto her feet.
"Finally, Sara" she huffed, grabbing my hand and tugging me further into the house. I raised an eyebrow, returning the guys greetings as I passed.
Catherine glanced up as we passed through the kitchen, eyes locking with mine for an intense moment before I was dragged into the dining room. Lindsay grabbed a large rolled up paper from the corner, smiling coyly when I questioned her about it. As she unrolled them into two pages, I was greeted with rich orange and terra cotta gradients of color- a sea of earth tones. It took a moment to register what exactly I was looking at, my heart clenching softly as I recognized the landscape of Red Rock canyon. One painting was from below, the looming curves and colored gradients contrasting against the grey of the clouds, hints of blue peeking through.
The second was of the view from the summit of the hike we had taken, the distant off-white of the sierra Nevada mountains, snow capped and rolling. The green Joshua trees contrasting against the rich coloring of the canyons.
Lindsay's eyes darted between the paintings and my face, awaiting a reaction. Eventually running out of patience, she broke the silence.
"It's from our hike a few months ago. I won an art contest at school… Do you like them?"
"These are incredible." I tore my eyes away from them to look at her, "Really, Lind's. I love them"
Catherine wandered in from the kitchen, the warmth of her hand sliding casually onto my arm distinct as she glanced over my shoulder. "She's been dying to show you"
My heart swelled almost painfully, wrapping an arm around Lindsay's shoulders as I picked up the view from the cliff to admire the details. Twelve words for love- innocent, selfless.
"That ones for you" she told me, soft hands absently holding my arm wrapped around her chest. This week had been such a rollercoaster of chaos, this was a much needed softness.
"I'm supposed to be bringing you gifts today" I told her, sliding her present across the table towards her, pressing a quick kiss to her blonde head. "It's going on my wall"
She beamed, grabbing my gift as Greg called to her from the living room.
"Lindsay, Nick's taken Russia"
I chuckled as she turned to run back through the kitchen. "I'm glad you're here Sara" she called over her shoulder, disappearing around the corner. I tucked the paintings back into the corner for safe keeping before moving to stand awkwardly in the doorway of the kitchen.
Catherine was bustling gracefully around, moving between stirring things on the stove to chopping vegetables. She wore a simple black dress that accentuated every curve while somehow still appropriate for the occasion. Her bare feet and tiny wooden beads that hung low around her neck played it all down; the floral apron tied neatly around her waist. She looked like a fifties housewife, stirring up some previously undiscovered fantasies as she glanced over at me with those eyes, tossing a handful of bright peppers onto the cutting board. "I'm glad you're here too, I need your hands"
I raised an eyebrow, leaning against the doorway as I pursed my lips into a smile. She hesitated, momentarily thrown off by her own words before shooting me a seductive grin, moving towards the fridge.
So that's how we were playing this.
I wandered into the kitchen, coming to lean against the counter, settling my heavy gaze on her until blue eyes met mine. I held it for a moment before lowering my voice a few octaves. "Whatever you need"
I bit back a smile as she stared at me, the milk jug almost slipping from her grasp, startling her back into the moment as she fumbled with it, kicking the fridge shut. It was going to be a long afternoon.
We worked around each other in general quiet, everyone wandering in and out, the sound of distant game related frustrations filtering in.
There was so much we needed to talk about- how to proceed with the closed serial case, her upcoming day in court with O'Riley, the fact that I had not only kissed her but admitted that it meant something- but this was not the time or place. So here we were, preparing lunch and commenting on the weather, my breath catching every time she brushed absently past me in the small quarters.
"Lunch is served" I announced as I wandered back into the kitchen, Nachos laid out on the table. She flashed me a smile, peering into the living room to ensure everyone was engaged in one thing or another before swaying slowly towards me.
"Well no good deed should go unrewarded" she mused, pausing just short of me before leaning in, body brushing lightly against mine, breath hot against my ear. I closed my eyes, a hand coming to her hip to steady myself. She inhaled, pausing for dramatic effect before her lips gazed over my earlobe
"There's beer in the fridge"
A smile crept slowly onto my lips as she pulled away, opening my eyes to meet her teasing blue ones, holding my gaze for a moment before moving away, back into the living room to gather everyone for lunch.
Jesus.
At least one of us was unwaveringly sure of herself.
/
Everyone began slowly filtering out as Lindsay's friends began showing up, leaving Nancy and I alone on the patio with beers and talk of our youthful travels. Catherine eventually abandoned her hostess duties to join us, a glass of white wine in hand.
"Well that's part one down" she mused, pushing a hand through her waves as she dropped down beside Nancy.
"Nice work" she complimented, reaching over to squeeze Catherines arm softly, eyes drifting over to me. Her gaze held mine for a lingering moment before she glanced down theatrically at her watch.
"Well, I should get going"
Catherine's head snapped in her direction, eyes flashing wide before narrowing dangerously.
"What? You're just going to leave me here with a house full of teenage girls?"
She smiled, standing up with a light stretch. "I'd stay if I could but I'm having dinner with Ben"
I watched their silent interaction, Catherine sending her a warning glare which she blatantly ignored, motioning casually towards me "Sara's not working tonight, maybe she can hang around for a while"
Well fuck.
I glanced between them, taking a long sip of beer before meeting Catherine's gaze with a soft smile. "I can, if you want"
Despite the anxiety gnawing at the threads of my composure, I knew that we needed to talk. This wasn't exactly something that we could allow to play itself out. If not because of Liev, then because of work. If not because of work, then because of our recently solidified friendship. The fragility of this was not something I was used to.
Bright eyes held mine for a moment, wine glass hovering near her mouth before she raised it ever so slightly towards me in thanks, a smile playing over her lips.
Relax.
/
Watching Catherine navigate the evening was enthralling- sharing a bottle of wine with me on the deck, at ease and cheerful; serving dinner to ten kids, decorating a birthday cake, conversing as easily with them as with anyone else she encounters. She eventually sent them upstairs with snacks and movies, exhaling a deep sigh of relief when their voices faded into quiet.
"You're amazing" I noted from the couch, tipping my wine glass at her with a soft smile. I wasn't sure if the light blush was from the wine or my words, but she chuckled softly, taking a sip. "Don't I know it"
We held each others gazes for a long moment, unsure what to do with this sudden privacy that we had been longing for and dreading all day. She was the first to break away, downing the rest of her wine before grabbing a couple of abandoned glasses off a table and turning towards the kitchen. "I don't know what I would have done without you today" she mused, voice drifting.
Finishing off my own wine I took a deep breath, following her into the kitchen.
"It would have been a disaster I'm sure" I teased, pursing my lips into a smile and resting my arms back against the counter. She chuckled, tossing strawberry waves as she glanced over her shoulder. Bright eyes held mine for a moment before trailing over my features, my neck, down my frame before dragging slowly back up to meet mine. My smile became a lazy smirk as she bit down on her bottom lip absently, turning back towards the sink.
I knew that my leather jacket was flattering; that the subtle makeup I had nervously applied had paid off. That my sun-darkened skin was suiting.
"Shit" she hissed quietly as a glass slipped from her hands, clattering against the bottom of the sink.
I pushed off of the island to move behind her, boldly resting my hands against the marble on either side of her. She let out a quiet breath, relaxing back against me. "You seem a little distracted" I murmured against her ear as I slid a hand to rest softly on her hip, the other reaching around to pull the fallen glass from the sink, placing it upright on the counter.
Her head fell back against my shoulder, the familiar smell of jasmine invading my senses. The feel of her in my arms elicited such a swarm of emotions- tenderness, nerves, disbelief, a deep seated burning arousal. My mouth fell just below her jawline, lips trailing slowly downwards over milky skin. A breathless moan fell from her lips as a hand came up to tangle in my hair, holding me against her. I bit down softly against her pulse point, her body pressing back into mine.
She released my hair, turning around in the small space. Azure eyes met mine, dark with desire. The tension between us was palpable, the air thick with it. Her beauty was overwhelming- the almost imperceptible gold flecks in her eyes, the soft curves of her delicate features. I felt a wave of arousal wash over me, hands immediately finding her waist as I pushed her back against the counter, hips flush against mine. Another moan fell from her lips, the quiet, throaty noise rapidly becoming my favourite sound. Her small hand slid from my shoulder into dark waves, pulling me down towards her.
"We need to talk" she whispered, words contradicting her actions as she pressed her body further into mine. I nodded absently, leaning in to brush my nose against hers.
"I meant it, when I said this means something to me"
"What does it mean?"
Her voice was deep, breath hot against my lips. Heavy gaze trained on my mouth, she scraped her nails softly at the back of my head, eyes darting up to meet mine hungrily.
At a loss for words, I closed the slight distance between us, capturing her lips in a searing kiss. She whimpered, hand coming to rest on my lower back as she returned the kiss with equal vigor.
She was intoxicating, my mind nothing more than a useless haze as my body took over control. A hand slid down to the hemline of her dress, dragging it up slowly as it trailed over the smooth skin of her outer thigh. She bit down on my bottom lip, sucking it softly into her mouth and it was my turn to moan, hand boldly sliding up over soft lace, grasping her ass.
"God Sara" she moaned as she broke away from my lips, my mouth immediately trailing down along the soft expanse of her neck.
We needed to stop, I knew that. We weren't alone and we needed to talk, but her hand slid around to press firmly into me through my jeans and every rational thought flew out the window.
I lost track of our hands; of time. She was melting beneath my touch and then her legs were wrapped around my waist, dress bunched around her hips as she rested on the edge of the counter. Rocking lightly against my lower stomach she held my head in place, panting up at the ceiling. My mouth had been on a slow path down her body, a hand roughly massaging her breast while I nipped along the lowered neckline of her dress when there was a quiet sound on the stairs. We had been keeping a cautious ear out despite the complete abandon of our actions and froze momentarily before I tore myself away from her, perfect legs dropping away from me, sliding quietly to the ground.
I tried to gain control of my breathing as I stared at her across the small space. Her hair was mussed, lips swollen and red, eyes lust darkened as she took a few deep breaths, smoothing down her dress. My fingers ached for her skin, a hint of a cocky smirk making its way to her lips as she leaned back against the counter. I watched her gaze shift towards the living room, waiting expectantly for a few moment before glancing back at me with a shrug.
She moved to the cabinet above the sink, grabbing the remains of a bottle of red and re-filling our abandoned glasses. Turning around, she held it out towards me, an offer I accepted gratefully. Soft fingertips brushed against mine and I found myself immediately caught in her gravitational pull, unsure who initiated it, but her lips were on mine again, languid and intense.
After a minute I tore my mouth from hers, walking backwards with my free hand up. She watched me in confusion as I clumsily navigated my way around the island.
"I can't keep my hands off of you" I confessed, moving to sit on a stool across the island from her. "We aren't going to get any talking done if I'm over there"
She chuckled, deep and throaty before taking a sip of wine. "Fine"
I stared at her for a long moment, trying to formulate the proper words to begin this conversation, but between the liquor, her proximity and the arousal still coursing through my body, I was coming up short.
"What is this to you, exactly?" she eventually took pity on me while going straight for the most complex question she could ask in typical Catherine fashion.
I offered a half smile, nerves settling heavily in my chest. "Honestly, I'm not sure. It's complicated… I think I've been fighting off feelings for you for a while now"
"You think?"
For a moment I thought she was being derisive, but the gentle look on her face instantly dispelled my worry.
"I mean it's you, Cat. How could I not feel something?" I nervously took a sip of wine as she stared at me with a softness I had never seen in her before. "I'm just not sure when I let down those walls"
Completely unsure of myself, I took another sip of wine. I had more or less laid down the bones of what I felt, meanwhile I wasn't even sure she felt anything more than attraction. It was a long few moments before she spoke.
"I've felt something for you for months"
I managed to swallow my wine with only a minor falter, eyes darting over to her in surprise.
Months?
Months.
She sighed, draining the rest of her wine before coming to rest her arms against the island, bright eyes raising up to meet mine. She smiled gently, gaze flicking down to the marble countertop for a long moment before they found mine once again, searching them silently. It was the final impossibility- she was nervous.
"I'm going to be straight up here, because I don't know how else to broach this. Since that hike… maybe even before then, I've felt something for you. It took me a while to work it out, this all came a bit out of left field"
I chuckled at that understatement, reaching across the space to grasp her hand softly. She tangled her fingers with mine, staring down at them as she ran the pad of her thumb over my cool skin.
"The way that you are with Lindsay, the support that you've offered me, the tension between us… there's just something about you that I can't seem to shake"
"I know the feeling"
She held my gaze for a moment, smile faltering as her gaze dropped back down to our hands.
"…and Sofia?"
I sighed, pushing my free hand through my hair. That was an aspect of this I wasn't quite sure how to explain.
"Things between us are… complicated, right now. She ended things with me a few days ago, and she was right to" I met her graze softly, "she knew I had feelings for you before I did"
She nodded, eyes drifting away momentarily as I tipped back another long sip of wine. How badly I wanted to keep them separate- my love for Sofia and my feelings for Catherine. They were so different, yet I had no idea how they would ever be able to exist cohesively. The thought made my stomach turn.
"You obviously love her" she stated, face not giving away any emotions though her eyes were swirling with nerves, softness, some form of hope laced dread.
"I'm not inlove with her. We got close, we held each others hands through this year, she's…. my best friend" I mused, searching her eyes softly for some form of understanding. After a few long moments she nodded, thumb tracing absently over my skin.
"I'll have to take your word for that, because if it's not love you two have everyone fooled. Well, almost everyone" she mumbled the last part quietly, brow momentarily furrowing. I raised an eyebrow in question to which she took a breath, shaking her head in dismissal.
"Just a weird conversation with Mandy" she mused. My eyebrow raised to meet the other one, a hint of a smile tugging at my lips.
"When were you and Mandy discussing my relationship?"
She stared blankly at me for a moment before leaning across the island, fingers coming to tangle gently in the hair at the back of my neck, pulling me in to capture my lips with hers. The contact immediately sparked up the embers of arousal that had quieted, a moan escaping as her tongue slid softly against my bottom lip, grip in my hair tightening.
We remained like that for a few drawn out moments, leaning awkwardly over the island, drawn together like magnets- everything about her overwhelming me- her smell, her touch, her kisses; the low, almost inaudible moan reverberating against my lips.
I broke away gently, fingertips brushing over her perfect jawline before leaning back into my seat with a crooked smile, fully aware of her entirely effective techniques of distraction. She smirked softly, sipping her wine.
I wanted so much more of this simplicity, this lighthearted connection, but things were entirely more complicated than that. I glanced down at my wine glass, tracing my fingers around it gently.
"So you and Liev…?"
It was her turn to sigh, leaning back against the sink. She motioned her hand absently at nothing in particular before crossing her arms tightly over her chest.
"He was a distraction, there's nothing there. I'm going to end things properly, he deserves that much. But he was never what I wanted"
She held my gaze steadily this time, that familiar confidence back in place and I felt the butterflies oscillating in my chest once again, all of this surreal and beautiful and wildly confusing.
She wanted me.
/
We decided to continue our investigation into the serial case quietly, on our own time. O'Riley was no longer under surveillance, which meant he was under the impression that he was in the clear- a thought that could be vital for us.
I kissed her in the doorway, so much more tenderly than any kiss we had shared. I kept it short, knowing I could very easily get carried away. This felt like a beginning of sorts- maybe not a relationship, maybe not anything more than testing out the waters, but a beginning nonetheless. I stared at azure eyes for a drawn out moment, still not entirely convinced that this was for real, before squeezing her hand softly and turning away.
Immediately, something at the edge of the gravel path caught my eye- a bright splash against the dark rocks. I moved towards it, chest clenching the moment I recognized what it was. Tied neatly into a bow with brown twine was a drooping bouquet of yellow Arnica. I glanced up at Catherine who was frowning from the doorway, arms crossed over her chest as she looked over confusion.
I leaned closer to observe the small tag that hung from it- simple brown paper with Lindsey's name scribbled neatly onto it.
"Catherine" I spoke, concern lacing my voice despite my attempt to keep it neutral. She padded quickly across the rocks as I stood up, dropping down to take a look.
"Oh you've got to be kidding" she mumbled, turning to hurry back into the house.
"I'm calling Brass" I called after her, sliding my phone out of my back pocket, eyes trained on the tauntingly bright flowers.
It had come so close to being a perfect day.