Chapter 6- A World Without

As the title clearly lays out, this is the opening chapter of Jay's new way of life. It is here that he will learn of things and it is here that we see the initial mindset of things. Some of it will be sad, but fear not because some fun moments will come along as well. It's all about balance. Plus, I'm a firm believer in finding humor or joy in anything, it's what keeps one sane and going through the hardest of times. Is everyone ready? Let's get it going.

He knew something was wrong. It took about an exhale to realize things were not alright. What that issue or situation was exactly was beyond him at that point, but he knew from the last time he was conscious, something bad had happened. The first clue was the place he found himself in, the beeping and whispering and warmth and sterile smell and the fuzziness that was his entire being revealing he was in a hospital. That and he recalled he was in the middle of the Afghanistan desert, which this place clearly wasn't it. Furthermore it was who was in the room with them that told of something bad. Through closed eyes he figured out one person was Will and his hovering ways and the other might've been Hailey. The female voice barely spoke and when it did it was rather muted, but he was pretty sure it was her. Then there was the lack of Mouse, which had Jay concluding something happened to him which didn't help in the least. But all of this was second to what was going on with him. He was sore, as if he'd been run over by a whole line of trucks. Every muscle movement was shooting, numbing, forcing one to let out a noise pain sound. Breathing was a task and opening his eyes was going to take some effort. Fortunately his mouth was his, not blocked by a breathing tube or something else shoved down there, but in another way that was a bad thing. He was nauseous, horrifically and seriously on the verge of throwing up. Every sound, every body twitch seemed to be the thing that brought him that much closer to the point of rolling over and letting it all out. But something told him that would be an impossible task since it felt he was strapped down to whatever he was laying. The nausea was so bad it got to a point that he had to do something, cry out for help or a bucket or something. The words were in the brain, but the mouth could not form a syllable. He pushed and fought and struggled with himself until something blurted out.

"I'm…sick." So clearly it was not what he wanted to say, but it was enough to call in assistance.

"Jay," Will whispered, he just about fell out of his chair at the weird message coming from the bed. Hailey looked up from the spot on the floor, making sure her assumption was correct before moving. By the time Will had collected himself and made it to the bed, Jay was awake. Not to the point of having a full on, life shattering conversation, but the eyes were just about open and looking around.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Hailey stood up but stayed in placed, almost like she was waiting for him to ask the obvious. She held her breath, covering the large smile that was plastered onto her face. She watched as Jay looked all around as best he could before attempting to speak again.

"Sick," just about fell out. Someone be proud it was his first word in days.

"Okay, like stomach sick?" Jay nodded, closing his eyes as another wave hit him.

"Hailey," was all Will had to say and she tore off, looking for the closest nurse.

"Anything else? How's the pain." Will ever so patiently watched as Jay slowly cracked the eyes back open, squinting against the dimmed lights. It was like watching a living miracle, he was both elated and terrified.

"Fine."

"Yeah right," Will muttered under his breath. Hailey arrived at this point with a friend, who reached into her pocket for a syringe and Will extended a hand.

"I can do it. He'll probably want me to do it anyway," Will whispered. Normally someone would've protested or just don't it against the wishes, but given the situation they looked the other way over one injection of medication. Will scooted himself down a little on the bed and pulled the blankets back to about mid-thigh, pulling up the hospital gown as he spoke.

"It's just me doing it. This will help with the sick feeling, alright?" Jay didn't care if it required a strip search, whatever it took to take away the nausea he was willing to do. A quick wince slipped out as he felt the needle go into his right hip, it burned and was weird, but it was going to help so he didn't care.

"Sorry, I didn't realize you got this bad after anesthesia. Otherwise I would've told them to dose you right after things got done." Jay was beyond clueless at the coded message. Who were they? Why did he need anesthesia? And what exactly was done to him? Over the sweltering nausea were these questions, seeming to wake him up more then anything else. The time to doze off was over, investigating needed to take place.

"What happened," was the obvious starting point and Jay took it, speaking as he attempted to dig his elbows into the bed and sit himself up.

"Whoa, no you cannot do that," was Will's response followed by arms grabbing Jay and laying him back down.

"What are you doing here," Jay lazily, almost drunk-like asked? Will looked back towards Hailey who shook her head. Clearly Jay wasn't alert enough for everything.

"Jay, you were in an accident a couple days ago. Hailey and I are here and everything is fine. I'll tell you more once you're more awake, okay?" Jay finally saw Hailey, gave her this blank stare before accepting Will's two cent story. Oh the large gaps of info Will glossed over, the stretching of the definition of the word 'fine' growing rather thin, but Jay bought it. As he relaxed against the pillows Will noted the shaking of the right foot, Jay's dead giveaway that he was in dire pain. He'd done it since forever and Will half wondered if he'd caught on to the fact only one foot was doing that.

"How bad is the pain?"

"Bad," he whispered, succumbing to the anti-nausea meds and lingering anesthesia. Will clicked the button for the pain pump that was connected to the epidural, waiting to see the visual confirmation that things were working. What he wanted to do was ball up and cry over how in pain Jay was, but instead he held his breath till he watch Jay's foot stop moving.

"Okay, you should be feeling better now. Try and rest. I'll be here when you wake up." He was out within a minute, Will turning to face Hailey who was dabbing at her eyes.

"Sorry, I don't know why I was expecting things to be fine. He's so off and I get why but still.." She left things hanging, rubbing her eyes as Will nodded.

"Just give it some more time. He's still coming off a lot of stuff." She wanted to believe him, truly. But deep down she had this nagging, awful gut feeling that this was what he was going to forever be: an angry person holding a grudge for a lifetime. Perhaps it was the stress of the day or Jay's lack of speaking to her, but her whole being was unsettled that night. It's safe to say the only one that had a decent night's sleep was the one maxed out on medication.

…

The second resurfacing was more coherent. The nausea was still there, but far less unbearable then before. The world according to his room was eerily yet pleasantly silent. With the exception of some monitor beeping the strength of his own heart and the hissing sound of the air tank for the cannula under his nose, things were peaceful. There was no movement or speaking or even light in the world. All was resting, everything was taking a breather and closing their eyes. Jay almost felt wrong to be awake, not doing what everything else was.

On top of the silence everything was pitch black. There was an orange light wrapped around his index finger and blue and green lights adorned on either side of the bed, but everything else was total darkness. He held his arms up to shoulder height and found nothing. That was the first hint that of the wrong thing he detected awhile back. Hi left side let him know that moving was a bad idea, the area under his armpit region shouting as the sensitive skin stretched. He was certainly more awake now. Using the right hand he felt for what was causing the pain, eventually landing a long, tube-like texture disappearing into his side. This wasn't his first round, knowing full well that was a chest tube for a collapsed lung. But still, there had to be more to it. While the injury was scary and probably required surgery, it wasn't enough to elicit Will and Hailey to fly halfway around the world, or wherever he was right now. Naturally the next step was the extremity test, that thing everyone does when they're waking up and want to make sure things are in tact. He began by making a fist with the left hand, then doing the same with the right. Things were fine there, nothing painful or odd about that. Repeating the process he twitched his right foot, now noticing there was something wrapped around the ankle up to his calf and it was squeezing him in a constant pattern. Ah, the first sign of possible trouble, only one more extremity to go before something else. When he went to move the left foot, what came back was both shocking and the worst pain he'd ever experienced. Air was in the lungs and then it wasn't, every muscle in his body pushing out a gasp followed by a hissing against the pain. He'd found his problem.

"Will," he quickly and sharply yelled. It wasn't high pitched or enough to alert the hall, but it got the red headed one awake. The left hand was death gripping the railing of the bed while the right hand was shielding the eyes from Lord only knows what. By the time Will figured out Jay was actually awake the heart monitor was beating faster then it had all night.

"I'm coming, hold on," Will softly spoke as he fiddled for the light switch, eventually cranking things up to poor restaurant level. He saw the pain in the grip on the bed, readying himself for the first of many instances where things were too much to handle.

"Hang on, they're coming with meds," he coaxed while unclamping the left hand and placing it in his own. Jay still wasn't opening his eyes, breathing through the non-stop shots of pain waves. The two did this till the nurse came in, calmly finding the IV line and inserting the miracle drugs. She held up another dose of anti-nausea meds and pointed towards Jay.

"Hey, how's the sick stomach."

"Still there," Jay painfully replied. Once again Will did the injection deed, this time on the left hip. He hated putting that side of the body through more torture, but in some weird way he wanted to balance the dosages of meds. Soon it was the two of them, neither speaking as they prayed for the drugs to kick in. A handful of minutes later Jay squeezed Will's hand, alerting that he was fine to be on his own again. Things were under control for this small window of time.

"What the hell was that," Jay let out, looking around before facing Will. This was not the moment he had in his mind, nor was this the time of day he wanted to blurt things out. But alas, Jay was awake and basically demanding and delaying was no longer an option. Will rounded the bed to the right side, taking a seat before looking to the Heavens for words or Jay to pass out once again.

"Will, seriously," was what brought him back down to reality. It was like ripping off the worst band aid and he just had to get it over with. He took a breath, paused, and then slowly began.

"We…are in Florence."

"Italy."

"Yes. Please don't interrupt because you're going to fall asleep soon and I'm going to lose it." Jay gave him a weird look but pushed his head deeper into the pillow.

"What do you last remember?" Jay bit the inside of his lip, looking the left corner of the room like it was a TV with a rewind button on life. He stared off for several seconds before half answering.

"Running. It was really nice out and I had a few hours before we were supposed to leave so I decided to get some miles on me. It was a really good run. Actually, I have the data on my phone. Where is it?" If he was not about to drop the worst news bomb on his brother he would've slapped him but instead he closed his eyes, trying to blink away tears. Jay heard the shake in the beginning of his story, realizing he wasn't going to get the phone or anything that belonged to him at that point in time.

"So…oh God, so you don't remember calling Hailey or texting me that you were leaving?" Jay shook his head.

"And you don't remember stopping the car because you saw someone in the desert in trouble?" Again, more head shaking. Will made sure the heart rate and blood pressure were fine before continuing.

"Well you did all those things and a whole lot more." From there Will was a sobbing, rambling wreck. He left no detail out, refusing to look at his brother till he was finished. In his mad pace of things he realized it all sounded insane and like something out of a thriller novel, but it was the truth.

"And so yeah, that's why we're here and that's what you're waking up from," was the final line of the rushed speech, bleary eyed Will looking up to a silent and perplexed Jay. He was ready for the venom to shoot his way, but instead all he got was a laugh. Those drugs really were putting their own twist on things.

"Okay, what really happened. You had me scared there for a second." Will looked up and groaned, this was the outcome he never saw coming.

"Jay, I'm not lying or pulling your leg." Yes, Will is fully aware of the poor choice of words on that one. But Jay wasn't, still waiting for his brother to deliver different news. Will got up, rounded the other side of the bed and grabbed a chunk of the blankets.

"May I?" Jay nodded. Will was fully aware that he was going against all rules and policies, slowly pulling the sheet down on the one side of the bed. It was common practice to do everything in unison. If the sheets were going to be up, then both legs had to be covered. If the blankets were to be pulled down then both legs had to be exposed. It was all about visual balance. An amputee, especially in the early stages, should never see one side of themselves. It throws the brain off, makes things appear far worse then they may actually be. But Will didn't care, arguing it was necessary. He watched as the pale face grew even whiter, the once blissful joy dissipate to disbelief. One can try and imagine the shock of remembering a run and then waking up to more then half your leg gone. Jay just stared, eyes wide as he noted the lack of a foot or calf or knee or a decent amount of his quad and hamstring. The residual limb was wrapped in several layers of gauze and padding, the space between mid thigh and hip were hidden from a circular wrap, gently encouraging blood flow into the new endpoint of his left leg. He wasn't able to see skin and it all looked so foreign and massive to him. He kept staring with the idea of a knee or foot twitch, but instead got nothing. The scariest part of all was that he could feel each of those things but now realized none of it was there. The tears were there but he forced them back.

"How long was I out," finally breathed out of him. Again, it wasn't what Will had envisioned but he went along with it.

"Um, two hours which is good considering."

"No, how long like since…you know."

"That happened Tuesday afternoon and it's just barely Friday so.."

"-And never in that period of time did you guys think to wake me up and ask for my feedback?" Ah, here was the hellfire Will was anticipating.

"Jay, you've been unconscious for almost the entire time. There was a moment on the tarmac in Dubai but you obviously don't remember it. Plus the first surgery was already done and you had to have the second." Jay nodded, rubbing his eyes through a yawn before talking again.

"Where's Mouse? I'm sure he's beating himself up for this when it's clearly not his fault."

"He had to go back for something. But he said he's coming to see you once he's done."

"Okay." Gone was the anger, almost as if Jay swallowed it whole. It was written all over his face and then there was nothing. He was emotionless, still not losing sight of his new self, which scared Will more then anything.

"Jay, it's fine to be upset or show some level of emotion."

"No," Jay spoke with a head shake.

"It's fine." He looked up to Will who was holding a closed fist to his mouth, tears trickling out one eye. Perhaps it was the drugs talking, but Will was floored how accepting Jay was to all of this. Oh what Jay didn't know about his new life, the struggles and things he was now going to have to give up. But that conversation wasn't for this time. Will pulled the blankets back up before sitting on the left side of the bed, wary of all that was attached and draping over the side. It was very unusual for Jay to do this, but Will's puppy dog face told him he had to: offer a hug. The two of them sat there holding each other for a while, neither of them speaking or really doing anything. Jay was still not completely believing things while Will wished he was, a very Halstead mental situation they often found themselves in.

"I'm so sorry, Jay," Will whispered as he heard Jay muffle another yawn. Will pulled back, allowing Jay to fall back onto the pillows and begin the sleeping process once again.

"It's fine," Jay whispered before going very limp. Will lowered the top part of the bed to a flat level, pulling up the blankets before dropping the lights back down to absolute darkness. Sleep was difficult that night not over the fact that Jay was upset, but pondering when the reality of things was truly going to hit for Jay.

…

"Will. Hey…Will." He opened his eyes to a massive to-go cup of coffee, the smell really splendid, certainly not from a chain restaurant. Accompanying the drink was a bag of some kind of food, both so large they were blocking Hailey's face.

"What happened," Will inquired as he sat up, glancing over at Jay who looked to be very sound asleep, head turned away but was breathing deeply and frequently. Collecting the coffee he noted that Hailey was entirely ready for the day. She was in a new change of clothing and smelled like soap, a strange thing for both of them in the last couple of days.

"Oh, nothing. He's been like that since I got in here. It's after nine so I figured you'd want to get up and get going. I can sit with him as we switch off." Will was beyond grateful for her at this point. On top of getting up early after a long night, she thought enough to get ready for the day and provide food before taking over 'babysitting' duties for him. They were becoming quite the friend/care taker duo.

"This coffee is amazing."

"It's from some gas station looking place down the street."

"What?! Man, we suck back home." Hailey covered her chuckle, trying to keep the noise at a minimum for Jay.

"So…how did last night go."

"Well, for starters I told him. He had a bad thing of pain and so it was after that that he asked and I had to tell him."

"Yeah? How did he react."

"At first he didn't believe me. Not kidding he laughed at me. I had to show him the residual limb before it finally clicked. He was mad for a couple seconds before acting totally normal. Honestly that scared me more then him potentially being mad."

"Ah, you met crisis Jay." Will scrunched his brow, very lost on the name tag.

"Oh, you see it at work all the time. Anytime there's a problem or situation he's always like, 'here's the problem, what's the solution.' It happens all the time."

"What happens all the time?" Both couch dwellers jumped at the unsuspecting voice, realizing Jay was totally awake for the whole exchange.

"Hey, sorry did we wake you?"

"No, I haven't really been able to sleep since someone came in here a couple hours ago. Why did they need to do a blood draw in the middle of the night?"

"It's for tests, Jay. Just let them do their jobs." The three of them were quiet for a second, all seeming to know what should be said next but none of them wanting to.

"Can I sit up a little," Jay finally broke the ice with.

"Not too much because you've got a pillow under the left leg and you don't want to raise things too much. It'll start messing with the hip. There's a button on the right side of the bed that'll raise the top." Will and Hailey watched with humor as Jay ever so slowly rose from the flat position he was once in. About halfway Will immediately stopped him because cords and wiring were on the verge of snapping out of place. Finding speed Will was at the bed in seconds, untangling and extending things to the proper length. While doing so he noticed that Jay kept staring at a certain spot on the bed, still lacking that emotional range he was expecting to drop soon.

"Alright?"

"It's really weird that I can still feel it."

"That's going to be the case for awhile. You'll start to get used to it once you start moving around a bit. Hey, how's the pain, nausea?"

"Fine." Will took a seat on the bed, following Jay's avoiding eyes till he had no choice but to make eye contact, it was just a thing the two of them did since forever.

"So there is a list of criteria you have to hit before getting out of here, probably the biggest being pain management. If you want to get out of here quickly, you need to help us and the doctors by telling us when you're in pain. There's a lot of experimenting and tweaking that has to go on before we find that right mix of meds for you for these next few weeks and months. Now I know what went down in surgery yesterday and I know these first few days are going to be very painful so I shall ask again, how's the pain and nausea."

"Nausea is fine but yeah, it hurts."

"See?! That wasn't so bad."

"It nearly killed me."

"Just hit the button for help, Jay." It was like the Batcall, one selection for a nurse and a person was there in seconds with the life sustaining meds. In under a minute Jay went from in pain to allowing that calming, numbing sensation to sweep over his being. He honestly hated the distant and odd feeling it did to him, but had to admit that being pain-free for a bit was wonderful.

"You need to eat something to combat all the medication," Will announced as he got up to throw out his own meal. Here was the moment of truth, the outcome of the bet.

"I'm really not that hungry." Of course Jay chose the wildcard; not even aware of the game he found a way to shock everyone.

"You need something. Your desire to not eat is probably the drugs."

"Honestly, I really want Gatorade." Hailey threw her hands up in frustration.

"So that's what, a draw? Bets off?"

"No, it's still on. We only mentioned food."

"What are you two talking about?"

"Oh nothing, just a stupid conversation we had."

"Okay, fine. Be secretive." Hailey stood up from the couch, stretching arms as she verbalized a plan.

"Will, why don't you go shower and stuff and I'll get the Gatorade. Jay, are you going to be okay by yourself for a little bit?"

"It's not like I can go anywhere." He was awarded with a couple grins and snorts for that. Will scooped up his things and took off for the bathroom, eager to get the grime of international travel finally off of him. Hailey cleaned up the room before locating her wallet and phone before heading for the exit, Jay held her up just as her hand was on the door handle.

"Hey, umm…what's your take on all of this."

"My take?"

"Like how are you dealing with all of this." This wasn't a conversation to have so far apart. Hailey left her place at the door and took a seat on the side of the bed closest to her: the left side.

"You're sitting on my ankle," Jay joked, her face red as the two of them laughed.

"Sorry," she played along.

"But to answer your question…it's a shock. That's pretty understandable I guess at this point. When I got the call I never felt so far away and unable to help in my life, it was scary to say the least. But I will say, now a few days in, I'm okay with it. While yes, you did lose something, it's not the part that makes you whole. You have to ask the question of what makes life what it is and you eventually come to the conclusion that its' not arms or legs or appendixes but people, life experiences, intrinsic things. You're entering a new way of life and it's going to be hard for awhile, but on the other end you'll come out of it stronger, better then before."

"Better?"

"Well, it's not like the old way was bad." She smirked and he did the same.

"So I guess driving a stick shift is out forever. And running. And no more left shoes for me but hey, it's one less set of toenails to clip." She got that he was really trying to joke his way through things, finally seeing the facade that Will got last night. At some point things were going to hit, whether it was tomorrow or touching down in Chicago or a year from now. But whenever it did it would be bad and now Hailey counted herself in the 'worrying family.' As much as she wanted to guide him through the grieving process, this was his cross to carry, his trip that he had to take. All she could do was watch and pray it would be merciful to him.

"What kind of Gatorade do you want?"

"As long as it's not yellow or orange or red or purple, I'm fine."

"So…blue."

"Yes," he spoke through a laugh.

"Alright, I'm going to head out. I don't even know if they sell Gatorade here but we'll find out. Are you sure you're going to be okay by yourself for awhile?"

"Hailey, I appreciate the concern but I'm really fine. If anything happens I'm pretty sure with the amount of stuff I'm attached to someone will find out eventually." She did a final scan, trying to find a crack or glimmer of uneasiness, but all she got was a weird look and second reassurance that he was fine. While she was off in search of calorie dense drinks, he was swearing that his left big toe flinched for the millionth time that morning.

After the massively long chapters I figured we'd all enjoy a nice, short and sweet one. Next chapter is going to have a lot more stuff in it so get ready. Thanks for reading!