Your reviews are everything, you guys. Thank you. It's been a chaotic few months but I've finally got some free time to continue writing this. I hope you enjoy!
Catherine
I had the words at the tip of my tongue by the time we entered his condo, the crisp white interior distracting me momentarily, sunlight flooding aggressively through the open space.
Before I had a chance to slip off my jacket; formulate a sentence, he had me pressed up against the closed door. It wasn't rough, it never was- just always on the wrong side of gentle.
His hands were at my waist, hastily untying my jacket as his lips moved fervently against mine. I kissed him back out of habit; out of some instilled sense of power that comes with possessing what a man desires. He tugged the offending article off, letting it fall behind me as I grasped his shoulder, steadying myself.
His fingers fumbled ungracefully with the small buttons of my blouse, eventually breaking away from my lips to get a better look. Immediately distracted, dark eyes lingered on my chest before travelling over my neck, my jawline, up to meet my eyes hungrily.
And I thought about it.
For a moment, I considered following this through. Because I was hurt. Because I was uncertain. Because the sexual tension in me had built up to an almost unbearable point, and though it had nothing to do with Liev, he was a warm body that I knew how to work.
"You are…." He began, but seemed lost for words as he shook his head lightly, running a hand over my hair as his eyes searched mine. "I've missed you"
Right.
He tried to recapture my lips, but I raised both hands to rest firmly on his chest, pushing him back. He frowned, a question in his eyes as I leaned back against the door. I may not always make the most appropriate decisions, but my moral compass was functional enough to know this was wrong. This was more than just sex to him, and the thought of Sara made me rigid beneath his touch.
The intimacy of our position felt strangely appropriate, despite the confusion coloring his features; the awkwardness of the conversation to come. My beige blouse was partially undone, breasts rising and falling with each breath, concealed by an expensive lace bra the color of lilacs. The sunlight streaming in through the large windows softly illuminated my hair, my pale skin. I could feel him pressing into my lower stomach, bodies still touching- that feeling of power lingering in me.
His confusion seemed to shift into an uneasy understanding and I offered him a soft, apologetic smile. Before he could speak I leaned forward, fingers tangling in his hair softly as I kissed him with a tender finality.
He grasped my waist, kissing me back until I pulled firmly away, sliding out from the space between him and the door. Sitting down on the edge of the couch, I ran a hand through my hair tiredly, glancing up at where he stood, regarding me with a look of tired frustration.
"Why?"
I sighed- what a deceptively complicated question.
"We both deserve more than this"
Crossing thick arms, his frown deepened. "I don't want more than this"
"I do" I answered, holding his gaze steadily. For a moment I thought he was going to put up a fight, but eventually he sighed in defeat, coming to sit on the edge of the coffee table, resting his hands on my knees softly as his dark eyes searched mine.
"What do you want from me, Catherine? "
I let out a quiet sigh, waves tumbling over my shoulders as I leaned slightly forward, resting a hand over his.
"Nothing. This is just…. bad timing"
That wasn't a lie. Despite our differences and my lack of genuine interest, he was far from the worst man I'd dated. A year ago, I would have let this run it's course.
He chuckled softly, dragging a hand over his face as he sat back.
"You know, I was warned that you would do this"
Inhaling sharply, I straightened up, immediately on the defense. I knew the reputation I had around the lab; I knew the sort of lewd ideas men held about me. Sensing my tension, he grabbed my hand, giving it a soft squeeze.
"They don't know you, Cath. But I'm glad I got a chance to"
Searching his gaze I lost myself in wondering when exactly he had fallen for me. Between my general sense of irritation at his presence and my typical absence during sex- trying to project myself into a different bed, beneath different hands- I wasn't exactly an ideal lover.
A smile played over my lips as I leaned back against the couch, glancing around at the OCD cleanliness surrounding me; the artistically decorated walls. There was so much that I would never really know about him.
"I should go"
I retrieved my jacket from the floor, hand grasping the doorknob as he called my name. I glanced back, meeting his gaze.
"… Are you going to tell me who he is?"
I paused, chuckling quietly. That was a riskier game that I was willing to play today. Pleased with the unexpected ease of this conversation I opted to leave on a peaceful note, pulling open the door with a soft smile.
"I'll see you around"
/
Sleep was a holy thing. I prayed for it, I worshiped it, and seven full hours felt like a blessing from whatever god was above.
Refreshed, I dragged myself out of impossibly soft sheets and managed a quick shower before my phone was buzzing with messages from Lindsay, back from school and heading straight to the hotel pool. She had set her sights on a tanned lifeguard with a knotted ponytail of blonde dreads and a tribal shoulder tattoo- a bitter taste of what I had to look forward to, but a welcome distraction none the less. The less attention she was paying to what was going on the better.
Hearing the faint sound of the front door opening, I groaned quietly into the empty space. I knew that giving a second key to my sister was a mistake, having taken an unnervingly deep interest in my life since I had become involved with two coworkers and began simultaneously investigating and hiding out from a renowned serial killer. But being the second parental figure in Lindsay's life, she had earned these small privileges.
Tying the soft cotton robe the casino had provided around myself, I ran my fingers through wet hair a final time, noting appreciatively what a decent sleep could do for my complexion.
Nancy was lounging on my bed as I emerged from the bathroom, immediately eyeing up the floor length robe enviously.
"Can I stay here too?"
I snorted, "Sure, but you should know that it comes with a visit from Sam almost daily and a handsy concierge"
She sighed, laying back against the comforter. "Right, never mind"
"You look tired darling" my mother cooed as she settled into the plush corner chair, effortlessly knocking my confidences down a notch. Genuine concern danced behind bright green eyes as she studied my features and I sighed, dropping down into the chair in front of the vanity, tussling my damp hair softly.
"It's just been a long week, I'm fine"
"Please tell me you've at least gotten closer to catching this monster"
What was I supposed to say? The man we suspect is free as ever and we can't get near him? I am utterly terrified about the entire situation? I met her gaze briefly in the mirror, pulling a brush through my tangled hair.
"You know I can't talk about it mom, but we are making some headway"
That seemed to pacify her for the moment, sitting back in the navy chair.
"I haven't heard anything about Liev in a while, how is he doing?"
Of course.
Trying not to let the irritation at her innocent questions take hold, I forced my brush through a particularly difficult knot, wincing slightly. "We ended things this morning"
"Oh, how come?"
I met her gaze in the mirror once again, taken aback by her lack of surprise. She seemed to think every man I spent more than two weeks with was sure to be the one.
"He was more invested than I was. It's for the best, trust me" I replied, eyes lingering suspiciously on her before focusing back on my reflection.
"…and how are you and Sara getting along?"
Oh, for god sake…
I turned completely around to focus expectantly on Nancy, who was pressing her palms firmly into her eyes, elbows bent in the air.
"Are you serious?" I asked flatly.
After a moment she let her hands fall, pushing up into a sitting position to eye our mother with heavy irritation.
"I told you to keep a lid on that"
Lily waved a hand at her dismissively, "I just want to know what's going on with you girls" she turned her focus to me, "she's a lovely girl, Catherine. I can't say I wasn't surprised, but then again you've always had a propensity for the unconventional"
"We are not talking about this" I stated firmly, flipping open my makeup bag.
"Are you two seeing each other?"
"No"
"Well why not?"
"I'm not talking about this"
"Darling don't be coy…"
I spun around in my seat to glare over at Nancy who had the audacity to ask, with a sudden air of seriousness, "are you still hung up on this Sofia thing?"
"Sofia? Was this someone she was with before?" she asked Nancy, clearly aware that she was going to get nothing from me.
I snorted at the absurdity of that question, opening my mouth to shut this down when Nancy interrupted, "She's Sara's ex"
Lily turned her gaze to me with a soft shake of her head, "Oh don't be ridiculous, Catherine. Jealousy doesn't suit you"
"Okay" I interjected loudly, gesturing pointedly towards the door. "This has been great, but I need to get ready for work"
"Why don't you invite her over for dinner this week? Everyone can come, I'll order tapas" she suggested casually as she stood, grabbing her purse. Before I had a chance to turn down that ludicrous invitation she glanced at the bedside clock, a small smile skirting over her painted lips as warm hands came to rest on my shoulders from behind.
"I'm having dinner with Sam at the Bellagio, so don't expect me to check in with you tonight"
"Oh my god" I muttered quietly, cringing at the mental images that statement conjured. She squeezed my arm, holding my gaze in the mirror with a maternal softness.
"Don't let love slip away over trivial things, darling. Trust me"
Nancy slid off the bed the moment she was gone, nodding towards the door with an exaggerated air of aloofness.
"Okay, I'll leave you to it"
"Oh no, you're not getting out of this unscathed" I crossed my arms, turning to face her. "Why the hell would you tell her about Sara and I?"
She ran a hand over her face tiredly. "In my defense, she wasn't supposed to say anything"
I snorted, shaking my head incredulously.
"I'd had some wine and she was worried about you, Cat. I just told her that you had a lot of… support"
I opened my mouth to respond but she moved quickly into my space, pecking my cheek with a quick kiss. "The way I see it, I saved you an awkward future conversation"
She was heading out the door before I could give her any further grief, shooting a quick, teasing smile over her shoulder on the way out.
"I hope Sara likes tapas"
/
Heels pounding against the pavement of the parking garage, I ran a hand through perfectly styled waves one final time, pressing together subtly painted lips. I was going to solve some aspect of this case tonight. I was going to fix this disconnect between Sara and I, and I was going to do all of it in the most unassumingly sexy outfit I owned.
My blouse hugged my figure perfectly while leaving just enough to the imagination, the dark material a stark contrast against my strawberry hair. My black pants were much the same- form fitting, while loose enough to keep eyes lingering. I looked good and I knew it, which was exactly how I liked to enter these sort of dicy situations.
The cool air of the lab hit me like a wave, a relief to my overheated skin. Rounding the corner of the locker room, my eyes immediately fell onto Sara, the only occupant of the dimly lit room. Steps faltering, I came to a silent stop, watching as she pulled her leather jacket on in front of her open locker, shrugging easily into the familiar garment.
I loved that worn in jacket. I loved the way her long hair fell around her shoulders, natural and barely tamed. She exuded such an air of casual ease, even in her smallest acts. I could fuss forever over the intricacies of a jacket; an outfit, always checking myself carefully in a mirror for good measure. I'm not sure whether it was confidence or disinterest that her laid back ease stemmed from, but to say I found it attractive would be a gross understatement.
Leaning against the locker beside me, I watched her silently for another moment until the desire to be close to her won out.
"Going somewhere?"
She spun around, dark eyes meeting mine. Concern seemed to lace her features, though a half smile tugged at the corner of her lips, eliciting a chaos of butterflies through my stomach.
"Cat…"
I pushed off the lockers, sauntering over to her with an added sway to my hips. Her eyes travelled over my form, that little smirk still clinging to her lips as I threw a cautionary glance over her shoulder at the empty doorway before stepping just over the threshold of her personal space.
"Listen, I've been unfair. I know that. I don't want to further complicate an already complicated situation…"
"Catherine" she pressed gently, but I gave my head a shake, meeting her gaze as I took another small step towards her, hands coming to softly grasp the edges of her jacket in my fists. "Please let me finish"
Her small hitch of breath at my proximity wasn't lost on me, providing me with a sliver of hope that I hadn't fucked this up beyond repair. The subtle scent of patchouli invaded my senses, the desire to touch her threatening to overtake my focus, but I took a breath, regrouping.
"I ended things with Liev. And we can be cautious, with Lindsay. I'd like to… go out, with you" I toyed with the zipper of her jacket, gazing up at her from beneath side swept bangs. "If you're still interested"
She chuckled throatily at that, shooting a quick glance over her shoulder before nodding softly, dark gaze bearing into mine. "You could say that"
This wasn't the time or place for any of the things I had the sudden desire to do, but I allowed myself the momentary satisfaction of slipping my hands from her jacket to her waist, closing the final distance between us. I leaned in, reveling in the feel of her body against mine as I tilted my head slightly, lips grazing her ear as I spoke. "Good" I whispered, breath lingering against her neck before I pushed against her stomach softly, taking a few steps back. Her body followed mine for a moment, gaze slightly unfocused, and I pressed my lips into a smile that I hoped was more sweet than self congratulating.
She pursed her lips, desire flickering through her eyes before she seemed to remember herself, concern reinstating itself firmly on her features.
"We have a case"
The words sounded regretful as they left her mouth, eyes searching mine. I understood immediately what she meant by that, my stomach plunging violently.
"I just got off the phone with Lindsay, just to make sure…" she trailed off, unsure how to finish that statement tactfully. To make sure it's not her, naked and lifeless on the ground.
She sighed, a hint of a smile tugging softly at the corner of her lips "She's afraid you'll be mad that she ordered another movie, but she ordered one anyway. Also, she wants to go hiking again- she seems to think I can convince you"
I chuckled, moving to take hold of her arm softly as we moved into the hallway.
"Smart girl" I husked quietly, catching Warrick's bemused look with a sweet smile as he passed us, Sara's razor focus narrowed entirely on me.
/
The mood was tense as we drove through the city- all of the things I wanted to say put on hold as thoughts circled my mind about what exactly we were going to find. This never got easier. Every body we found felt like a heavier blow than the last.
I turned my focus to Sara as we left the distracting lights of the city, her features hard set beneath the last light of evening, hands tense on the steering wheel. I wanted to offer her some sort of comfort, but I had none to give.
We hadn't figured this out in time. We had failed another child. I knew exactly the thoughts that were coloring her mind because they were the same as my own.
Our best wasn't enough.
I reached over to brush her thick brunette hair behind her ear, trailing my hand down to linger against her neck softly. Pulled out of her thoughts she glanced over at me, features softening into a gentle smile.
"So where are you going to take us hiking?" I asked, thumb grazing over her pulse point gently.
Her smile grew, tension easing slightly as she leaned back in her seat.
"I've been thinking about Mount Charleston- there's a lot of beautiful hikes up there"
"You've been thinking about it?"
"Yeah" she glanced over at me, softness evident. "Anything to get you back in spandex"
I laughed, fingers brushing softly through her hair before forcing them back into my lap.
"I used to take Lindsay up there, when things were bad with Eddie. An escape from the volatility. We mostly just drove up to the outlook and ate cheap gas station candies, watching all the tourists. Lindsay loved it"
She smiled, "Well I know some beautiful spots. Maybe I'll even take you guys camping"
I scoffed playfully, "Let's take this outdoorsman thing one step at a time"
She chuckled, agreeing quietly. As I turned back towards the window, my chest clenched at the beauty of her. At the thought of the three of us around a campfire, away from all of this. At the memory of her pointing out constellations to me what felt like ages ago. I wanted it all so deeply it was almost an ache.
/
Pulling up to the scene, I took a deep breath as she killed the engine, plunging us into a tense silence. I turned to her, the tension fully returned to her form as she stared out at the crowded scene.
"Well, at least we beat the press" she noted softly, turning her dark gaze towards me.
"God, they're going to have a field day with this" I muttered, sliding my hand up to squeeze her shoulder softly. After a long moment I let out a heavy sigh, pushing open the door.
I led us easily past the uniforms, beneath the crime scene tape, spotting Grissom already knelt over the body, talking to David.
"Hey" I greeted as I came to stand behind them, glancing briefly around at the emptiness stretching out for miles beneath the moonlit sky. I already knew we would find nothing- our only hope was any evidence left on the body.
"Looks like the same MO" Sara noted softly as she came to stand beside me. I finally allowed my gaze to drop down to the body, eyes that same milky blue, blank yet full of obvious horror. Her thick hair was tied into a messy braid, four distinct freckles littering her cheek…
Oh god.
I took an involuntary step backwards, feeling suddenly lightheaded. My fingertips tingled with a sort of cold numbness, my body gone rigid.
That unkempt braid, the braces that I knew lay hidden beneath her closed mouth- they had only been on a few weeks. Those endearing freckles. I tried to find my breath but couldn't, taking another clumsy step backwards as a hand came up to hover over my parted lips.
My gaze fell down to meet Grissom's, a question behind his grey eyes.
"Her name is Madison" I managed to say, my mouth like sandpaper. "Madison Levitt"
His gaze softened, concern evident as his eyes remained locked with mine.
A hand on my arm drew my attention, my eyes flicking up to meet dark ones.
"You know her?" Grissom asked softly, Sara's eyes searching my own.
"Yeah" I nodded, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. "She's a friend of Lindsay's, they've known each other for years"
I let my eyes fall back onto her, nausea rolling through me like a violent wave. I had seen her last week, at one of Lindsay's dance recitals. They were on the volleyball team together. They took ballet together.
Dammit.
God dammit.
Breathe.
Grissom stood, making an instinctive move towards me, but Sara beat him to it, sliding an arm around me while turning us gently but firmly away from the scene.
"You should take the night off" Grissom spoke, moving tentatively around to look at me. I shook my head venomously, remaining in Sara's half-embrace.
"I need to work this, Gil. I need to do something"
The emotion finally found its way into my voice, tears hot behind my eyes. I needed to feel useful. I needed to keep preoccupied.
"If you didn't have a conflict of interest in this case before, you certainly do now. Besides, you should be with Lindsay"
I scoffed, grip on my own waist tightening. "And tell her that her friend is dead? That can wait. Please let me help"
He opened his mouth to speak, gaze shifting uncertainly over to Sara. She simply guided me past him, closer to the open desert; further from the blinding lights, the familiar body, Grissom's unwelcome words.
"Catherine…"
"Don't" I warned, turning to face her. "I can't go sit in that unfamiliar hotel room while she's laying in a body bag… I need to work this, Sara"
"You can't, Catherine- you know that". Her words were soft, her eyes softer. "Grissom's right, you should go be with Lindsay"
"I can't" I choked out, running a hand through my hair roughly. "Sara, I've driven that girl to volleyball practice, she's slept at my house. I know her mother…"
God, her mother.
I felt a tear escape, brushing it away harshly with the back of my hand, meeting her gaze with a heavy conviction.
"Okay, okay" she spoke softly, hand grasping my wrist gently. "Let me deal with the body… and Grissom". She threw a weary glance over her shoulder at Gil who had resumed his position next to the body, grey eyes still focused uneasily on me. "Just stick to the perimeter, okay?"
I nodded as she squeezed my arm softly, hesitantly letting go.
"Cover her up" I spoke quietly, turning towards the sound of the first news vans rapidly approaching, creating a storm of desert sand in the glow of their taillights.
/
The rest of the night was a blur. I took down statements; spoke to the hiker who discovered the body. I scoured the scene until my eyes ached from the strain of concentration. I had narrowly kept it together when a young news reporter set his sights on me pushing my way back to the Tahoe, blocking me to ask about the body with a morbid sense of excitement. Tongue between my teeth, the taste of iron in my mouth, I noted Sara's weary eyes on me from a distance, watching as I side stepped him with nothing more than a seething glare.
I barely remember the drive back into town, logging the evidence, Sara insisting on driving me back to the Rampart. She walked beside me as we made our way to her SUV, unsure what to do with her hands but smart enough to not attempt breaking the silence.
I'm not sure what it was that triggered it- the thought of returning to that flashy, unfamiliar hotel room; my anxiety about the conversation with Lindsay that the morning held, the feeling of being alone in this grey, empty space beneath harsh florescent lights, but as we approached her car I felt everything begin to unravel.
My chest felt constricted, my breath catching violently in my throat, fighting to escape. I forced a deep breath, willing the tears welling in my eyes not to fall- not in front of her, not here. But her hand on my shoulder was too soft; too tentative, and I felt the tears flow over as I pressed my hands against the door, leaning forward with a muffled sob.
Fuck.
She moved behind me silently, both hands grasping my shaking shoulders as she held me just closely enough to be felt- like a grounding rod to my kite string chaos. I couldn't have held the tears back if I'd tried- the full force of my fear, my failures, my sorrow completely overwhelming me.
I rested an arm against the window, letting my forehead fall against it as she rubbed my back comfortingly, whispering gentle words that were lost beneath the sound of my sobs.
I'm not sure how long we remained like that, but as my tears slowed she stepped tentatively forward, wrapping her arms around my waist as she pulled me gently back into her arms. I let my head rest against her shoulder, taking a few deep breaths as her thumb traced a soothing pattern over my hip.
I brushed my mascara darkened tears from beneath my eyes, ran a hand over my face before gently turning around in her embrace. She offered a hint of a sad smile, her thumb coming up to brush away the rest of my tears before pushing my mussed hair gently away from my face.
"Sorry, I…" I began, though found myself at a loss for the proper words. She shook her head, reaching down to tangle her fingers with mine.
"Don't" she spoke softly.
"I don't think I can go back there tonight" I let out a heavy exhale, leaning back against the car.
"Come home with me" she offered, squeezing my hand softly. "Nothing is going to be ready here until morning anyways, I'll drop you off at the hotel my way back in"
I didn't have the emotional energy to even entertain the typical nagging thoughts of self sufficiency or maintaining the perpetual façade of strength. I wanted to be in her arms, in her bed. I didn't want to be alone.
Nodding softly, I offered her a ghost of a smile, moving around to the passenger side.
/
Her apartment held a subtle, lingering smell of incense and vanilla, the small space so inviting without the tension of half naked ex girlfriends monopolizing it. I moved through the living room as she changed for bed, the too-big sweatpants she had apologetically offered me dragging lightly beneath my bare feet.
Pulling her star trek t-shirt that I had swiped from her unmade bed before she could protest tightly around myself, I reveled in the scent of her, glancing around with intrigue. The painted picture of red rock canyon that Lindsay had given her was hanging beside a few beautiful, framed photos of the desert- the reds and terra cotta oranges complimenting each other. Across from them were photos of the coast- California, I assumed- seascapes and wild forests. I found myself lost in the evergreens and ocean blues.
Turning absently around, I caught sight of myself in the large framed mirror hanging on the wall- mascara clinging beneath tired eyes, hair in a state of disarray. I had put so much effort into looking perfect today- into being undeniable. I chuckled softly at the absurdity, half heartedly tussling my waves as I turned towards the bedroom.
She was pulling back blankets, shooting a glance over her shoulder as I entered, lips pursing into a soft smile. I watched her for a moment, muscles in her back tensing beneath her thin shirt as she smoothed out dark sheets.
I approached her quietly, hands coming to rest on her hips from behind. I felt her movements still at the contact, straightening up slightly. She was taller than I was used to, my heels typically drawing me closer to her height. I let my forehead rest against her back for a moment before brushing my lips over the space between her shoulder blades, inhaling the scent of her as she leaned ever so slightly into me.
"Thank you" I mused quietly, voice lightly muffled by her shirt, my hands trailing absently over her back before I stepped away, moving around her to sit on the edge of the bed. Dark eyes followed me, meeting mine with an impossible softness.
"For everything" I added, feeling the full weight of my emotional exhaustion settling in at the inviting feel of her bed beneath me.
"Anything for you" she pursed her lips into a soft smile before dropping down beside me. Sliding a hand onto my knee, she met my gaze steadily. "I'm here, Catherine. Always"
I lost myself in her eyes for a long moment, watching the emotion dance behind them. Eventually they shifted down to my lips, lingering there as her hand came up to cup my cheek softly. I smiled at the tenderness; at the tentative nature of her actions. Even now I could feel her hesitation, as though she was unsure if this was what I actually wanted.
I didn't share her uncertainty, leaning in to capture her lips in a kiss that I hoped conveyed every ounce of affection I held for her. She returned the kiss with equal intensity, hand sliding from my cheek into my hair.
I kept it short, brushing my nose intimately against hers, remaining close for a drawn out moment. "Let's get some sleep" she whispered, fingers releasing their grip in my hair.
With her arm tangled protectively around my waist, breath warm and even against my hair, my mind drifted inevitably back to unwanted places, balanced out by the safety of her arms.