Chapter 10- The Gateway to Independence
This will be the last chapter before we have a small time jump. Nothing major, but a jump nonetheless. This one is all about that very first day he is truly alone for quite awhile. Up till now he's had at least one person around, this will truly he his first time going solo. It's Jay and his place and absolutely nothing left to do but explore. I'm excited for it. Let's go!
"You're sure you're going to be okay?"
"Will, go to work. Please! I'll be just fine." It was Monday, the day everything was going back to normal. Today was Will's first day back at work. Over the weekend both Will and Jay slept and ate and watched TV and slept and did it all over again. There wasn't much venturing out and a whole lot of vegging, but in all honesty it was exactly what both of them needed. It was just dawning on Jay how much energy and stamina was taken out of him, not to mention the level of healing and recharge he was going to need over the coming weeks and months. So while mentally he hated being a complete bum, his body thanked him immensely. The pain was there and the discomfort never went away, but it had now reached a point where he could manage and function.
"I just hate to leave you alone. You're really not mobile yet plus with the stitches.."
"-Will, you have been amazing but I'll be fine for today. Go, save some people." Reluctantly Will moved things along. While it would only be twelve hours, it was twelve hours of Jay being alone with nothing but a bored and racing mind. The list of what he couldn't do was far shorter then the list of what he could.
"Fine. But if you need anything or have any pain spike or anything, call me. They know that I'm coming back but also have said if I need to leave it'll be fine." On the one hand Jay was touched, truly, by Sharon's willingness to lend out Will. But on the other hand, he hated the number of moving parts and leniency that was happening for his sake.
"You're going to be late. I've got this. It'll be a good trial run."
"Okay, all meds are on the bathroom counter and have sticky notes next to each one telling how many to take and at what time. Pain medication for flare ups are separate from the daily meds and they also have notes with doses. I have the mat on the shower floor and the shower sleeve right next to the door. I left clothing options on a lower shelf in the closet and food is lined up on the kitchen counter. Please try to sleep and rest and unless the place is on fire, do not leave."
"Did you count how many toilet paper sheets I can use at one point?" Will wanted to smack his brother, but wound up laughing. He had to admit he sounded a bit OCD and nuts but, it was far better to be over prepared then let things go.
"Alright, I'm leaving." The two of them just took in the millisecond moment of things. This was a signal of the end of the first leg of the adventure. Gone was the shock and awe and uncertainty that comes with a crisis. The damage was done and the storm had blown over. They'd now reached the revery phase, the time where you take inventory and clean up and reevaluate life. It was sad but also joyous, a minor miracle that Jay was on to that side of things and still finding ways to be himself.
"Can you hand me my crutches and I can walk you out." Jay moved himself to the side of the bed as Will got the requested items. It took a couple of days, but as Will promised, Jay was getting in and out of bed quite easily. It had certainly become second nature and the threat of falling out again was dwindling with each maneuver in and out of bed. Will took the lead to the front door as Jay trailed a step or two behind. Will's hand was hovering over the door when the urge to hug things out hit him.
"Oh okay," Jay stuttered against Will's surprise hug. Keeping one hand on the crutches, Jay accepted the hug, both of them quiet and just absorbing the moment. It dawned on Jay at this exact moment how the one who was effected the most is going to take the longest time to go back. It's odd that everyone around him was back to normal life, their part in the crisis had reached a calm and they were able to go back to their way of things. Yet he who was effected the most is not granted that permission just yet. In fact, he was quite aways off from that time. While everyone else was going back to work and a social life and just normal things, he was back at the starting line getting antsy to have the smallest of freedoms. It didn't feel fair but he knew it was the way things were going to be. One day he'd get there, but today it just felt strange.
"Keep your phone on you," Will spoke.
"You're going to be so late," Jay replied. Will nodded before pulling away.
"Have a good day, Will. It'll be fine here. And thanks for everything."
"Love you, Jay. You have a couple more hours before meds so sleep."
"Yeah, yeah," Jay called as he watched the door close. He could hear the hesitation in Will's person, even from the other side of the door. He must've stood there for ten, twenty seconds before the shadowing from his feet went away. Jay rolled his eyes, pivoting back towards the apartment. The place honestly still felt foreign to him, even after a weekend of reconnecting. But today was a new day, a new opportunity to make things work. He vowed to make this place feel like home, if it was the last thing he did. Perhaps he'd cook, maybe fold some laundry, blast music throughout the place. All of this sounded fantastic but the sweeping tiredness won the first round. Crutches were thrown on the floor as he crashed his face into the pillows. Snoring and deep breathing were happening in seconds.
…
He awoke to birds chirping and a garbage truck collecting the loudest load of junk ever. The clanging and clashing of waste entering the large metal vehicle actually jolted him awake. It was in the resurfacing that he realized he'd fallen asleep on his stomach, which was wonderful since that was his natural sleep position. However, as he rolled over his body made him aware that he'd slept well past the medication dose time. His entire left side was sore and everything felt to be exposed. The nerve pain felt like someone was spilling things apart piece by piece. Sitting up had the muscles and bone aching for assistance. It was a lot to handle at once so Jay froze in place, hands over his face as he breathed through things. In and out, inhale and exhale, but the waves kept cresting. More nerve splitting, hamstring, groin, and thigh muscles all tightening to a point where Jay was convinced things would explode. Despite the pain he knew he had to get up, salvation was in the bathroom and resting on a counter. That was his mission, he had to get it done. The first step was to reach down and grab the crutches, which he did on his first attempt. A small moment to celebrate! Once they were lined up he pulled his ailing body to the edge of the bed, rising in the weird yet effective way he'd been taught and glueing his eyes to the bathroom door. One step at a time, breathing with every move, and a grunt when things were too much, but he had to get there. There wasn't another option.
"Oh dear Lord," he panted upon flipping the light switch in the tiled space. It looked like A Beautiful Mind all over his counter. Working closest to the door and back towards the toilet, each bottle was perfectly spaced with color coded sticky notes and medicine cups with sample amounts in each one. On top of this, it was all alphabetized, the water bottle at the very end of the daily medication line up. That one Jay didn't get, concluding he needed water first before ingesting the drugs, but in his current state he grabbed the medicine cups and downed the pills, the water being practically inhaled at the end. The time between swallowing and working was a few minutes, a good bit of that sitting on the toilet seat lid massaging the top of his leg with shaky breathes. It was a painful exercise, but one Will told him would help with the phantom pain. With each swirl and upward movement his leg grew shorter. The toes that were once curled and stubbed disappeared into a sprained foot which went away under a rigid calf and shin. The knee had yet to leave him, swinging freely and happily every time he moved or breathed or was awake. Again, Will said at some point that would leave, but most likely after the prosthetic was implemented.
The calming, dizzy, and tingling numbness came to greet him ten minutes after the pills entered his body. He welcomed it with open arms, sighing as everything relaxed and resumed their healing pins and needles and oddness. His phone chimed from the bed, encouraging him to get up from the toilet seat and answer the message. Knowing things it was Will and if he didn't answer in time Will would be crashing through the door.
"Did you take the stuff," was the first of many missed messages, creating a series of panic texts. The most recent text message read, 'please answer or I'm coming." Jay laughed out loud, leaving the three bubbles to dance around for a bit before replying.
"Everything is fine. Just took the medication and heading for the shower. Go to work!" The phone went off again as Jay turned the shower on high, choosing to read the 'okay' message after he was done. The first thing he'd discovered about the post-amputation life was that showers were everything and needed to be enjoyed as often as one could.
He made a promise with himself, one of many actually, and that was to stare at his residual limb for five minutes each day. Whether it was right before a shower or after, or before changing or before going to bed, he had to make a point of stopping what he was doing and confirm that indeed, his leg was kind of there. Because despite it being over two weeks since the final amputation and the overwhelming pain and soreness of both operations, somewhere his mind was still not processing that his leg was gone. There were moments, albeit brief, that he was convinced he'd broken his leg or that they'd reattach things. This is all part of the healing process, one Jay took comfort in finding out that a lot of people experience. Yes, be proud of him for researching things. He figured since everyone else was, and he had quite a lot of downtime and questions, it was something he most certainly had to do. So through all this research he found this tidbit of staring, providing the brain that visual proof that things were gone and that they were not coming back. As the shower warmed up Jay took his seat on the toilet lid, removing an article of clothing at a time. The shirt brought forth the reminder to look down while the pants caused a spike in anxiety, the single sock made him squirm and the sleeve around things made it all so real for the millionth time. The swelling was still bad, even this far out from the operations. That was going to be the case for a few more weeks and months, but Jay was surprised at how large it all still was. Despite time and rest and ice it appeared little progress was made. Looking past that he took a small amount of pride in the muscular mass that was still there. Even after two surgeries and a long time since his last workout, things still looked defined and toned. Thank you tough workouts and even tougher trainers. The fruits of all their labor were evident even in the ashes of a crisis.
But perhaps the thing that weirded him out the most was how cut off everything was, yes he was well aware of the obviousness and joke in that. Working from the torso downward, things were going fine and normal and then it all abruptly ends. There wasn't any tapering or progression, it was leg and then air. Again, over time he grown to know this as his leg, but at this point his time with a complete leg far outstretched the time without. Thus the reason for the staring. Thus the whole point of this quiet and personal exercise. The goal was to space it out and do it in random places, creating an overall time and space in which he noticed and acknowledged that things were different.
It began with one minute at a time. Minute number one was all about looking and breathing. He did deep breathing exercises while finding a different spot on the leg to witness. Deep breath in, observing the very tip of the residual limb. He hadn't seen things completely exposed yet, but now down to the gauze and tape from Ethan, things were beginning to sharpen. With the wrap gone there wasn't much hiding what things looked like. He noted the roundness and circular shape of the base, choosing to be happy that it was a well sculpted base and not some jagged endpoint. Minute number two was all about preparing the shower sleeve for its' insertion. He was still slow in getting it on, but the good part was that he could do it on his own. No more having Will help and see…well…everything. Jay was rather thrilled to have that shroud of dignity back. While properly cupping the sleeve, Jay took to inspecting the shrapnel scarring that littered his leg. Nothing was uniform, each one different in length and shape and bruising and overall appearance. At the beginning of the minute he was disheartened that some of this would never go away, that for the rest of his time on earth his left leg would paint the picture of a very poignant day in his life. Along with the freckles from his birth would come a new sprinkling of life marks. By the end he was okay with things. Not thrilled but at peace with knowing it was there and that he was able to retell a story someday. Minute number three was comparing the residual limb to his dominant leg, taking note of the length difference and the overall coloring between the two. The right was indeed still strong, somehow found a way to maintain its' strength despite all the resting and torture his body had been through. Minute number four was a time to touch things, gently since things were still sensitive. Left hand went under the left leg while the right went on top. Working together the hands started up near the groin and slowly, gingerly moved their way down to the end. This was for that tactile memory. Just as the brain knows to not touch something when it's hot, or decipher sand paper from copy paper, the brain has to feel where things start and end. Out of the whole exercise, this is the most difficult part, the physical and mental pain encouraging deep breaths in and out. In the single minute Jay would do three, four rotations of touching, not liking any of it but realizing the importance in doing this. Finally, minute number five was all for reflection. Being thankful for what was still there and how far the body had come. This was not what he was born with, but at this thirty-fifth year of life, this is what he had. He was growing to like it, perhaps one day love it. But now, with the bathroom full of steam and humidity, it was time to move on.
The sleeve squeaked against the tile floor as Jay sat down, truly not happy with the mat Will had left on the floor. He was fully aware it was down out of protection and care, but Jay hated that the place had to be 'amputee proofed.' Now this was just one change to the apartment out of a million others things that still had to be done, but for some reason this one bugged him the most. Perhaps it had to do with the memory tied to staying with their grandparents, but Jay felt he was the star in a Life Alert ad. Basically he'd fallen and couldn't get up, but this nice pad had cushioned his fall.
"I'm going to have to get a chair in here," Jay told himself while feeling the rainfall shower dance on the shower sleeve.
"Maybe we'll find a small chair or even a bench," he kept going, soon internally questioning why he was even communicating with himself. It had only been a few hours of independence and he was already talking to himself. Oh how he craved to speak with the outside world. The warmth of the shower calmed his freaked out nerves while the water acted as a nice massage to his aching body. With eyes closed he looked up towards the Heavenly shower head, grateful for this small, simple life pleasure. Water has this weird and unscientific healing power, the thing you crave when you're hurt to sad or just need a breather. Just as he did when he was young and under the spell of a stomach virus, Jay sat on that floor motionless, allowing the tingling and wondrous stream do its' thing. It was like a hug but in one of the best ways possible. Only when the water began to transition to cooler temps did he speed through bathing the rest of him. Fifteen minutes after getting in Jay was reaching for a towel, rolling his eyes as the thing he sought for was just outside the wall of the shower. Yet more of Will and his over preparedness.
"And I also need a handle," Jay announced as he escaped slipping in his shower for the third time. A quick drying off and wrapping the towel around himself, he was at the sink and rubbing a circle into the now opaque glass. He looked like a mess, but a healing one nonetheless. It was what it was and now he had to perform the next impossible task of the time period: dressing.
The emotional swings were still coming and going with no warning or time to react. It was almost like recovering from a brain injury. For the most part Jay was pretty even keel, but every now and then some word would be spoken, or an image of something would pop into his head, and that would be all it took to send the emotions or demeanor spiraling. Standing in the entrance of the closet sparked one of these moments. It was the first time he'd been in the space since coming home. Over the long weekend it was Will coming in and out of here, Jay either too tired to get up or Will insisting that he could do it. So to stand there on crutches and half a leg, realizing the last time he was in here he was racing around on two legs, was disheartening to say the least. It was probably the drugs messing with him, but Jay imaginarily watched his former self tramps and destroy the inside of this room. He could see the high reaches for things rarely used anymore, witnessed the backpack get crammed more and more. He was moving with ease, telling himself of the checklist and requirements for the quick trip back down memory lane. He was vaguely happy, borderline excited to have some secret, high stakes mission saddled on his back once again. Oh how stupid and naive he was that day, not even contemplating the scenario that he could come home as. Memory Jay faded when real Jay looked down, the crutches' hindering quality really coming to focus. His left leg twitched as he glared in hatred for himself. It wasn't what he wanted, something he never even saw on the radar; even though it was right there. The leg seemed to be apologizing, trying to remind him part of it was still there and doing its' absolute best. The towel wrapped around him wasn't doing much for warmth, a full body shiver breaking out as he gingerly worked further into the closet.
The space was designed out of whatever things would fit where, not a ton of progression and thought went into the layout. Beginning to the left of the door, all hanging clothing was jammed into the racks, two high. All jackets, suits, rare button downs and pants were housed here. Again, no organization or color coordinating going on there. From there we move down the left wall, looking at the millions of pants folded and stacked on the shelves, Jay even having to admit a purge needed to take place. Next were the everyday, sleep, and normal shirts, those were on the wall directly across from the closet door. Unlike the pants shelving, the shirts were pretty much thrown wherever they currently were. It partly had to do with Jay's dislike for folding shirts, but mostly it was that he was being lazy in that area and didn't care. And then, as we round to the right side of the room, the stomach and heart dropped. It was three shelves of shoes, all lined up and organized; a miracle considering the rest of the space. Sneakers and off work shoes were to the left, work boots and other footwear its' neighbor. And then lastly was the full length mirror hung on the wall and just behind the closet door. In horrible aligning of things, Jay was stopped so he could see his reflection in the mirror and all shoes at the same time. Looking at himself was something he was still getting used to, his excuse was that he didn't have a lot of opportunities up till this point.
Each pair of shoes brought forth a memory, a crystal clear and vivid memory at that. The sneakers reminded him of rare vacations, a particular one spent in the Rockies for over a week. It was coming down from a tough case at work, one that brought those old wounds and memories back to the surface. Voight demanded that Jay take time off and he chose to climb mountains. It was a challenge, but was the distraction he needed. Standing on the top of a mountain is hard to describe, so one often uses the typical adjectives. It was stunning, quiet, pristine, made one feel very ant-like and those sneakers got him there. The boots he wore almost everyday for work were tough, a two pronged sting. The runs across town, the tackles, and sitting at a desk for hours on end, that's what those shoes were screaming at him. From there it was the boots he wore while chasing a scared kid across town, only to find him in his mother's hospital room. The shoes he wore when he was going to propose. A random memory of a Blackhawks game with Will being the final straw.
"You stupid son of a bitch," Jay cursed under his breath as he approached the right side of the room. Shoes went flying one at a time, each thud and whack against the hardwood floor seeming to demand a repeat. He didn't realize the tears were falling, he just kept grabbing and throwing and telling himself what a horrible idiot he was for doing this to himself. It wasn't till the shelves were cleared did he collapse into a sobbing mess; making sure to land on the right knee. In the moment he told himself none of this was coming back, those memories were going to just become things and reminders of activities he could never do again. That one was the gut punch, the sudden realization at how right he thought that truth was. He didn't want to come up with a new version of life, he just wanted his old one back. Eventually the tears turned into silence, a moment of silence for the life of his past. While doing so he gently stroked his leg, almost like he was apologizing. He knew what happened was a complete accident and it wasn't his fault at all, but his body didn't ask to be treated that way. Soon after the emotions were back in check, Jay really cold now and desperately wanting long sleeves and some pants on. He applied the stretchy sleeve on his leg slowly and with some struggle, but got the job done. A hoodie and shorts were put on next and a sock last of all. Returning to the mirror on the wall put things back into perspective. Yes, he was changed and odd looking right now, but there was so much of him left to do incredible things. It was just a part, but it wasn't what made him whole. Jay closed the door behind him, leaving the heap of memories on the floor to be dealt with at another time.
…
We find ourselves in the kitchen, staring down the first of a plethora dilemmas: food prep. To you and I it comes as second nature. Our stomach growls and we pour a bowl of cereal or heat something up before finding the nearest table and consuming our food. But when you're on one leg and moving around via crutches, this once simple task becomes a full day of problem solving. We find Jay standing in the middle of the kitchen, fridge door open wide as he mentally asks for food to speak to him. He was at that point he was so hungry he had no clue what to eat. He either wanted it all at once or would puke if he had something. As he pointlessly stared his stomach let him know it required fuel immediately. See this is one of the many side effects of going through an amputation. You're body now requires so much energy to not only heal but adapt to its' new limitations. On the plus side it meant you could eat more. But on the negative it meant your waistline was sure to expand if you weren't careful. One day in the not so distant future some form of working out would come, but today, at this stage of the healing game it was about food and rest. Cereal entered his mind and he went after it. After all it was the easiest thing to prepare and didn't require much effort in eating. Just pour twice and scoop into your mouth. Jay first claimed the milk and placed it on the counter before going through cabinets in search of the cereal.
"This is definitely going to have to be moved down," he told himself when he found what he was looking for…on the very top shelf of the corner cabinet. Ah, a limitation has been discovered. There was no other option but to get a kitchen chair, shove it into the corner, and lift oneself up and grab the item, which Jay was fully aware would give Will an aneurysm if he ever found out. It was taken a step at a time. Right leg was placed in the middle of the chair, two arms on a corresponding part of the counter, and all that was left to do was pull up. It was the highest he'd been in quite some time and in all honesty it felt great. With ease he grabbed the box of Frosted Flakes—yes we can chuckle at the nod to childhood—put it on the counter. From here it was doing the reverse of what got him there, a big sigh of relief went out when his foot touched back down on solid ground. He may or may not have been smiling like a dork as he poured the cereal and milk into the bowl. But all that faded when he realized he was stuck.
One cannot carry a full bowl of cereal and walk on crutches without collapsing into a heap. If one could, he certainly did not have the capabilities to do so. He looked down at his food and sighed in frustration, accepting that he was wedged into the corner space of the kitchen. An attempt to sit on the counter was futile. Due to his sensitivity and depth of the counter's, the residual limb came to perfectly align with the very edge of the surface, creating a rather painful rubbing sensation. So his only option was to rest a butt cheek as best as he could on the counter with all body weight on the right leg while the left just hung there motionless. Sure it made for a great, artistic pose, but it was the most uncomfortable bowl of cereal he'd ever consumed.
"Well that was fun," he told to no one once the bowl and spoon were neatly placed in the dishwasher. Looking at the clock showed that it was 11:47am, a few hours down with so many to go. Jay looked around the silent place, heard the walls creak in their settling ways. Silence was not his friend right now, or ever for this new period of life. It was an unwelcome reminder of how lonely this whole new world was. While certainly he had a vast support system, it was him alone who had to make things work. Only he could feel what he was feeling and accept what all had happened. Furthermore, it was only he who was left behind. The rest were zooming into the future while he was way back at the discovery point of things. The moment was a bit of a downer and one he desperately wanted to get past. He took refuge in the living room with random television to drown out the dark thoughts and feelings in his person. But first, he made sure to grab ice bags and tuck a pillow under his leg. A promise was a promise and he had every intention of keeping his word.
…
He woke up to pounding at his front door, which was the second most surprising part of the whole thing. Jay wasn't fully aware that he'd fallen asleep, last thing he remembered was a deep battle of Restaurant Wars on Top Chef. So to wake up and already know who was eliminated without knowing the outcome of said war was a bit of a let down. But the more awake he was the more he became aware of how wet he was. The once frozen ice bags had completely melted to warm, droopy bags of gel, leaving melted condensation to seep all over his left leg. Everything was soaked down to the gauze, the uninformed person was going to assume Jay had wet himself. It was a total mess and one Jay started to clean up, had the banging on his front door not gotten louder and more consistent and more annoyed than prior fist bumps. A silent promise of cleaning himself up was made as he worked his way to the front door, Jay very intrigued as to who could be on the other side of the front door. All possible visitors were at work, and we mean all. It was 2pm, the only resident in this building was Jay at the moment. Looking through the peephole showed someone he didn't recognize and they were holding a bag, now Jay was rather perplexed.
"Hi…sorry," Jay greeted to the staring, zit faced teenager. His eyes were a magnet to Jay's leg. The second Jay opened the front door, eyes went to the limb like it was a pair of female breasts. Pardon the analogy, but its' one hundred percent true. The kid was just that, a very young, thin, scrawny man who looked like he should've been in a classroom instead of at Jay's door with a bag of mystery in his hand.
"Here's your order. The instructions were to bang on the door till someone answered."
"You can stare all day but its' not growing back," is what Jay so, so badly wanted to reply. But instead he shook it off for the sake of the 'case.'
"I didn't order anything?!"
"Look man I just pick up the food and drop it off." Still the eyes were glued to Jay's left leg, Jay praying for it to twitch so the kid could freak out. Alas, it never did. Jay took the bag out of the staring one's hand, thanked and apologized once again before shutting the door and returning to the wet pants problem. DoorDash bag landed on the counter as he scooted his way to the bedroom. The phone he forgot to grab off the bed was lighting up like a Christmas tree by the time he made it to the bedroom, several messages from Will and now a phone call held Jay up from changing out of wet pants.
"Hey," he calmly answered.
"What the heck, Jay. You had me worried something had happened."
"Hi to you too, Will."
"Dude, I've been texting for the last hour and called and got nothing. Try to feel my panic."
"In my defense I did fall asleep on the couch and forgot to bring my phone out. Sorry, it's going in my pocket once I'm done with this call. Okay?!" Will sighed on the other end, Jay able to hear the typical bustle of the ED. It was the sound of life and Jay so wanted to be apart of it, very oddly enough.
"Anyway, I ordered food and it should be there soon."
"Yeah, I woke up to someone banging on the door." Will laughed.
"I didn't think anyone would read the instructions."
"Oh they did and the guy kept staring."
"Well did you say anything?"
"No?! I'm not going to be that kind of amputee."
"Alright, I'll be home in a little while. Enjoy lunch and don't forget meds when you need them."
"Yeah yeah, and thanks for lunch." The two bid farewell, leaving Jay to venture back into the closet for dry pants, much to his dislike. Luckily the gauze on the end of his leg wasn't that wet, able to be salvaged until Will returned to fix things. The pants applying process was still a full task for him, but with each attempt to dress Jay got that much faster. Sleeve was changed out for another one and soon he was headed back to the living room to eat. The mystery meal was Indian from a favorite spot, Jay's stomach rather happy with Will's choice. Once all food was consumed, it was time to move onto the main goal of the day.
Jay made a pac with himself to everyday master one thing. It could be small, or large, but each day he wanted to learn to do something from before. He wanted to be a productive member of society, even if all his work took place in the apartment for the foreseeable future. When asked the question, 'what did you do today,' at the end of each day, he wanted to not only have an answer but a story to go with it. It was the best way to curb the boredom and lazy, depressed attitude and Jay was borderline excited to get going. Today it was a seemingly basic task, standing on his own. After the whole falling out of bed fiasco, he felt this was a good place to get things going. Things would go down in the kitchen, Jay choosing to nestle back into that corner part of the countertops once again. Before going solo he set up his phone to record, making sure to get the full image of things. He wanted to save these little moments along the way, one day having a video timeline of how far he'd progressed this first year or so. It wasn't a question of if he'd get down on himself, but when. So when those moments came, he desperately needed this to pull himself out. Once the camera angle was to Jay's liking he returned to the corner spot, put the crutches to the side, and clung to the countertop for dear life.
It took losing the left leg to drive home just how reliant his body was on that other foot and ankle and leg. Things were so wobbly and off centered. The right foot was always rotating, trying to do what it was designed for but truly struggling without it's partner. The knee buckled and locked up and Jay was half a second away from grabbing the crutches and returning to the couch. But then he recalled a video he'd watched the other day, yes he's really, truly researching things. They said the biggest mistake is to look down because when you think of what you're doing you're more likely to over do things and get nowhere. Everything from standing to walking on a prosthetic, one has to be looking up or out at something. The body is this incredible entity that can and will quickly figure things out. So as Jay death gripped the counter and prepared for round two, he closed his eyes and breathed; allowing for a moment of collection and redo. He counted to fifteen and began again, this time looking across the way at the phone. The trick worked like a charm. Jay swore he was leaning to one side, but indeed he was standing on one leg. There was no wiggling around or a locked up knee, everything was relaxed yet doing its' job. He was standing on his own!
"Holy shit," he said to the apartment while holding back laughs and tears. He was so beyond proud of himself, elated he'd done it. This was such a small thing in the realm of everything else, but this meant so much to him. It was that snippet of independence, a sliver of life before that dark day. He wasn't walking around, but now changing out clothes or doing things in the kitchen would be that much easier. Standing at the corner counter he moved out a step or two before long, Jay that much more impressed with himself the longer the practice went on without him falling. Only when the phantom pain resumed did he call it a day, his demeanor on cloud eleven as he made his way into the bathroom for meds. He'd done it. He'd mastered the first of many basic things. Life was looking so up it was inspiring. The song All By Myself played in his head as he swallowed the drugs, Jay all but choking on water. The lyrics, twisted in a way, were so on point to his current situation that he had to play the song as loud as he could. He scrolled through the music on his phone till he located the track, playing it on the apartment's speakers.
"When I was young, I never needed anyone," cranked out of the speakers at almost max volume. This is where the muffled laughs began.
"When I dial the telephone, nobody's home," is where it started coming out.
"All by myself!" Yet more laughs and stomach grabs.
"All by myself, don't want to be all by myself!" It was hitting home so much he had no other choice but to laugh. Through the musical pice he laughed and happy cried and laughed some more. When the orchestration interlude in the middle of the song came, he was ready for the lighter moment.
"All by myself….don't want to be…aaaalllll by myself anymoooooooorrrrreeeeee!" There went the drum clash and clang and everything else coming in. The beat was perfect, up went the imaginary lighter high in the air. Jay was fully aware he looked like some sad old cat lady who was destined to never love again or leave the house, but this comedic relief felt stupid good. He was human, he was alone but for some reason he was fine with that. This once feared and worrisome day turned out to be exactly what his soul really needed, this song seeming to seal that deal. For the first time since the whole thing started he was able to joyfully laugh and not worry about what one activity was doing to the rest of his body. He was allowed to enjoy music, the watch as it encapsulated him and took him on this mental journey, albeit a funny one of some pie in the sky fantasy. He listened to the song a second time with just as much enthusiasm as the first time. It was the yawns that brought things to a close. While he'd only been up for a couple hours, his still healing body told him it was time to shut down for a bit. He made it to the bedroom before foregoing crutches. He was tired, he didn't give a damn. The last couple steps were more of a hop before the gentle turn into the bed and collapsing on his stomach. He was out in under a minute.
…
"Jay, I'm home," Will announced as he closed the front door behind him. Will expected to hear some form of an acknowledgement back, but got nothing instead. His once tired body picked up its' senses, really grasping for the faintest drop of some form of human life. He'd made it as far as the living room before calling out again.
"Jay?!" Will began to clean up the take-out mess on the coffee table, using that as some form of relief. Jay was alright when he ate lunch. Whatever had happened took place sometime after that. The whole place was silent, deadly quiet to the point Will swore it was telling him that something was wrong. It was very much like a suspenseful scene in a horror movie. As he moved through the apartment, calling out for Jay, the Jaws-like music only got louder in his ears. Kitchen was a mess but Jay-less, living and dining area neat but still Jay free. The guest room was exactly how Will left it, leaving one place for Jay to be. That or the roof but Will refused to believe that till he had to cross that bridge.
"Jay," he tried to calmly call, creaking the door open a centimeter at a time. What he saw on the other side made everything come to a halt, but in a very good way. Jay was splayed out on his stomach, right leg dangling off the bed while the left was straight out. One arm was under his stomach while another was under a pillow. Jay was very sound asleep, the soft sleep noises echoing out of him as Will got closer. He had ideas of waking him, but Jay looked so peaceful and touching him would ruin that. So instead Will chose to tidy up, scrunching his brow upon seeing the clothing he once laid out for Jay all over the floor, truly scratching his head when he opened the closet door. Try his best to be stealth like, a grunt from the one in the bed caused Will to freeze in his tracks in the bathroom.
"What," muffled out from the sheets.
"Hey, how's the pain?"
"It's bad," Jay replied, eyes fully open but body still not moving.
"How long have you been in pain." Will turned back toward the counter to collect what Jay needed.
"I don't know, awhile maybe. I woke up and it hurt but I couldn't get out of bed."
"Jay," Will lovingly scolded.
"You've got to maintain things or recovery will take longer." Jay grunted back, not caring at this moment in time.
"Do you need help sitting up?" Jay nodded, allowing Will to help him roll onto his back and move him towards a semi-sitting up position.
"Tomorrow, why don't we keep some of the medicine bottles near the bed. That way if this happens again it'll be right here for you." Jay nodded as he swallowed, wondering why he didn't think of that in the first place.
"I fell asleep with the ice packs on earlier and it got the gauze wet but I know you said to not take it off."
"Okay, I'll go get the stuff and change it out. Oh also, Hailey will be here in half an hour to drop off dinner that Platt made for us."
"Sounds good." Will returned with the items required for the incision cleanliness. Things were pulled away one layer at a time, Will making extra sure to pull slowly as sensitivity was still an issue for Jay. Things were still a bloody, bruised, gross looking mess, but overall still healing splendidly.
"So you slept twice today?"
"Yeah, and slept in this morning." Will was touched by his brother's obedience.
"Aw, I'm so proud of you. Good job! So, what else did you do today?" Jay perked up at that, reaching for his phone and tossing it Will's way. He was delighted that he had an answer and a story to share.
So, what did you think? Next chapter is going to be the small time jump. A leap to something that has been talked about and is about to be here. I'm very excited. See you then!