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Catherine
Raindrops had begun falling steadily by the time I parked on the quiet street in front of Sara's apartment complex, the muffled sound echoing through the confines of my car. Nothing ever happened in the desert by halves- rain came in torrential downpours, the sun in month long stretches of relentless heat. It never ceased to amaze me- the harshness; the beauty. I had never been one for watered down experiences- give me intensity or give me nothing. The desert had always suited me well.
I had been planning to stop by the hotel to check in on Lindsay; to throw on something more appealing than the outfit I had been sporting all day, but I found myself turning towards Sara's, drawn by the thought of her cozy apartment. Nancy assured me that Lindsay was fine, watching Dirty Dancing for the seventeenth time and bickering with Jeremy in predictable fashion. I bit back the guilt tugging at the back of my mind, telling me I should be better at this. I should have the right words. I should be there.
Running a hand through my tired hair, I dropped my head back against the seat, staring out at the abandoned street, dimly lit and distorted through the rain drenched glass. Abstractions. These days, I craved them.
Dead / alive. Innocent / guilty. This job was so black and white- the lines so clearly drawn. It was the way we operated, the way my mind had been trained to work. In the midst of this intensity however, I was craving the blurred lines. The gray areas. The analysis was exhausting- labeling everything as this or that, right or wrong. It was suddenly so easy to accept the blurry spectrum that existed between straight / gay. Love / hate. Friends / lovers.
I wanted Sara, and the tangled web of confusion surrounding that fact had abruptly dissipated. She offered me a sense of safety. She was where my mind wandered, in the quiet moments. It's her touch I craved. The why was irrelevant.
Grabbing my purse from the passenger seat, I sent a final weary glance at the sky before throwing open the door and dashing towards the overhang above the stairs.
Sara and Greg had wrapped up their case around midnight, the storm a sure sign of a slow night. Greg drew the short straw between the two of them, sticking around for the rest of the shift. Him and Warrick had been engaged in a heated game of Call Of Duty when I headed out around 1, even Grissom too weary to care much about make-work productivity right now.
A mix of nerves and excitement coursed through me softly as I approached her door, the reality of a proper night together finally settling in. I had half expected to be handed a case before I managed to escape; Nancy to be called in last minute, leaving Lindsay alone. I took a moment to straighten my blouse, gently tussling my hair before leaning in to knock.
After a moment I heard the lock slide out of place, greeted by the sight of Sara, wine glass in hand. She regarded me with a lazy smile, stepping back to allow me room to enter.
"You made it" she greeted with that California lilt, my eyes immediately trailing over her form. I loved this relaxed version of her- the dark jeans with a hole wearing through one of the knees, her feet bare against the hardwood. A black Rolling Stones t-shirt hung loosely over her frame, the ends of her dark waves still damp from the shower. Her sun kissed skin was beautiful, subtle freckles beginning to litter her face. I smiled appreciatively as I moved into the apartment.
Tea lights were placed carefully around the room, a few on the coffee table, on the island, on the bookshelf. A string of fairy lights that I hadn't noticed before hung high above the couch, casting the room in a warm glow. I turned to her with a smile, tossing my purse onto the island before sliding my hands to her hips.
"Who knew you were such a romantic" I teased, the ghost of a frown playing over her features as she wiped stray raindrops away from my forehead with the pad of her thumb. "It's beautiful in here" I added, leaning forward to capture her lips in a kiss.
I drew it out for a moment, reveling in the feel of her after a day of being so close but so distant. A day of brutality, mentally speaking.
"It's been a while since I've attempted it" she admitted with a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "And there's a lot you don't know about me"
I smiled at her mock-offence, reveling in the feel of her thumb stroking my hip softly before letting me go, turning towards the kitchen.
I chuckled, glancing around the small space, trying to soak up every hint of Sara.
"Oh yeah, like what?" I asked absently, turning to observe the pictures hung on her fridge. Three people on snowboards in the mountains, surrounded by evergreens and piles of snow. The summit of a hike, Sara in shorts that showed off the entirety of her legs, hair wild as she held up a beer to cheers another woman, both of them looking young, tired and happy. A girl that couldn't have been more than 11, laughing heartily with Sara's arms wrapped around her from behind, flashing that gap-tooth smile at the camera. The truth was, I barely knew anything about her life. I felt that realization go down like a bitter pill- I had never bothered to ask.
"Well" she mused, pursing her lips into a smile. "For starters, I would hardly call myself a good cook, but I do make a mean pizza…" she finished that thought by pulling the oven door open, leaning in to check on what I assumed was exactly that.
"Oh my god" I murmured, the last meal I ate being a cold burrito that Warrick had brought me from the place down the street from the lab. "This date is amazing already"
She chuckled, grabbing a bottle of wine from the counter. I turned back to the fridge, eyes scanning over a picture of the entire team on Nick's birthday, smiling at the memory of that drunken evening on my back deck. There was one of her and Greg in the canyons, eyeing him in amused skepticism as he awkwardly clung to the wall of a canyon, no more than a few feet up.
The last one was of her and Sofia, clearly the same day. Sara had an arm draped around her shoulder, a beer held loosely in that hand as she laughed heartily at something, a cap on her burnished waves. Sofia was looking at her with the sort of smile that I hadn't seen grace her features recently, if ever, her own arm wrapped securely around her waist. Before the inevitable jealousy had a chance to settle in, her hand ghosted over my back gently, garnering my attention.
"That was in Death Valley, back in March" she held a glass of wine out towards me which I gratefully accepted, turning away from the fridge. "It was our first day off in ages and Greg wanted to learn to boulder. He gave it a few solid attempts, but we ended up drinking beer and sleeping under the stars"
I chuckled at the thought of Greg attempting anything athletic, moving towards the couch. The burgundy shade of the walls added to the warmth of the room, the rich color illuminated beneath the warm lights; the sound of rain falling steadily against the roof
"Did you ever want to do anything besides criminal justice?" I asked as I folded a leg beneath me on the couch, leaning back against the cushions. "Mountain guide, maybe? Sky diving instructor?"
She snorted, grabbing a pair of oven mitts from a drawer. "I actually did consider becoming a professional surfer once, but I was 8 and life got in the way"
She shot me a pursed lip grin and I chuckled, sipping my wine.
"I was pretty serious about going to medical school after I graduated from Harvard. I'd just gotten out of my first serious relationship, I felt completely directionless, I missed the west coast. I knew that I wanted to help people, and I was questioning how I would ever be able to do that effectively with a physics major" she bent down to pull the pizza from the oven, sliding it onto the cutting board before searching for her wine glass, taking a quick sip. "So I settled on the most obvious way to do that. I even applied to the Pre-med program at Stanford"
My eyes followed her as she moved into the living room, placing the cutting board onto the table. "So what changed your mind?"
Slicing a few pieces, she passed me a loaded plate which I gratefully accepted, the smell of homemade crust and spices wafting through the room. "I moved back to California, took a month off to just surf and climb and come back to myself, and then reassessed. Decided I've got more of a temperament suited for math and dead bodies"
I chuckled, nodding softly. Her eyes trailed over my jawline, my neck, dropping lower for a moment before meeting mine. I could feel a warmth spreading through my body beneath her appreciative gaze, eyes dropping to her lips as she took another long sip of wine.
"What about you?"
I snorted, swishing the deep red liquid around in my glass absently. "I was too focused on boys to even consider what I wanted to do after high school. And then I stumbled into stripping, making more money than I knew what to do with. I could barely see beyond the next line, next drink, next fuck let alone have any career aspirations" I picked up a slice of pizza, meeting her gaze steadily before taking a bite. "I was a different person back then"
She smiled softly, not a hint of judgment in her eyes. Savoring the pizza, our conversation swayed from exes to ideologies to music before falling back to the realm of relationships, never touching on work for too long. Lighting cracked through the sky, illuminating the darkness as thunder rolled overhead. I waited for the sound to quiet, noting the tug of a smile at Sara's lips- she loved this weather, I could tell by the way the windows were cracked open, allowing for a little more intensity; the smell of rain.
"Can I ask you something?" I mused, head resting against my hand as I observed her closely, the effect of the wine warm and relaxing.
"Of course"
"Do you think if Grissom hadn't forced us to work together, we would have ever ended up here?"
She smiled, leaning forward to twist the cork out of the wine bottle with a satisfying squeak, pouring the remains into each of our empty glasses. Settling back against the cushions she hesitated a moment before meeting my gaze.
"I think that if something is meant to happen, it'll happen one way or another. And this feels… right. It doesn't feel like a random thing that we're doing. Somehow it… fits"
She was right. A year ago the thought of us together would have been absolutely ludicrous, and yet somehow here we were. I smiled, my heart in my throat at the intensity of my feelings for her.
"Look at you getting all metaphysical" I teased gently, taking a sip of wine. "I never would have guessed"
"I told you there's a lot you don't know about me" she pursed her lips into a soft smile. "What do you think?"
"I think you're right. This feels… right. Besides, there was so much tension built up between us by the time he assigned us together, it was only a matter of time before somethinghappened"
Just the thought of that day in my office; the intensity of our initial connection was enough to spark up the desire that had been simmering impatiently for weeks now. I shifted slightly in my seat, watching her closely.
"I remember one of our last big fights- god, we were so angry at each other. You had me backed up against my desk…"
"I remember" she spoke, voice an octave lower than normal, dark eyes burning.
"…I thought about it. In that moment, words weren't enough, my frustration was so overwhelming. At that point it wasn't love, it was just… pure intensity, but there was this fleeting moment of needing to be under your skin"
The intensity of her gaze deepened and I cleared my throat lightly, standing up and moving over to the window. The spark of arousal was quickly becoming a wildfire, and while I knew exactly where this night was leading, I was trying to not fall directly into her bed. For once in my life, I wanted revel in the feeling of just being with her; talking to her. I wanted it almost as much as I wanted to feel her beneath me.
Another blinding flash of lightening cut across the sky and suddenly the few lights that had been on flickered off, leaving us in the glow of candlelight. I stared out at the sudden darkness for a moment- the entire area in a blackout- turning back to Sara, her bemused expression softly illuminated.
"And what about at this point?"
I frowned lightly in confusion, leaning against the windowsill.
"You said at that point it wasn't love, just intensity…"
I let that sink in for a moment, silently cursing my slip of the tongue. I loved her, I had put that together days ago, but I had no idea how she felt. As far as our relationship was concerned, it had barely begun. I had essentially professed my love on our first date.
I opened my mouth to speak before letting it fall slowly shut, eyes meeting hers. She was still giving me a slightly bemused look, my emotions undoubtedly transparent. I let my gaze drop down to her soft lips, lingering there for a moment before meeting her eyes once again.
Fuck it all.
I pushed slowly off of the window sill, moving towards her. She watched me with an almost overwhelming intensity as I stepped around the table and climbed onto her lap, straddling her.
Her hands immediately came to rest on my hips as I looped my arms around her neck loosely, thumb gently running over the soft skin at the back of her neck. I bit back my nerves, allowing my confidence to take over control as I met her gaze steadily.
"I love you, Sara" I breathed. "You're brilliant, you're kind, you're amazing with Lindsay, you're a fantastic kisser" I gave her a teasing half smile, leaning in to brush my lips over hers. "I'm in love with you"
She was silent for a long moment, grip on my hips firm as her eyes searched mine with an unreadable look. Finally, one hand moved up to my waist, pulling me into her as the other slid into my hair, capturing my lips in a deep kiss.
Just as I was loosing myself entirely in the feel of her she broke away, nose brushing against mine gently, breath ragged against my lips. "I love you too"
I smiled, forehead pressing against hers for a moment before desire got the better of me and my lips reconnected with hers. It was languid and thick with pent up tension, her fingers eventually finding their way to the buttons of my blouse with shaky hands. My own unsteady hands had migrated beneath her shirt and were trailing up along her ribcage, my mouth breaking away from hers to connect with the soft skin of her neck.
Thunder rolled over head as my hands found her breasts, moaning softly against her skin as I cupped them experimentally in my hands, thumb brushing over her nipples which immediately hardened beneath my touch.
She pushed the silky material over my shoulders and I sat back, letting it fall from my arms. Dark eyes travelled over my body for a long moment, lingering appreciatively on my barely concealed breasts before reaching around to unclasp the black lace bra with an innocent smirk.
She inhaled sharply as the material fell away, hands coming to grasp my hips for a moment. She shook her head lightly, almost imperceptibly and I would have felt self conscious had she not slid a hand up to massage my breast, eyes glued to the sight of her hand moving against my skin. She remained transfixed for a long moment before her other hand came up to tangle roughly in my hair once again, pulling me back in for a searing kiss.
This was incomparable to anything I'd experienced in years. Eddie was the last person I could remember having such an intense connection with, and even that was different. That had been almost entirely about me pleasing Eddie, and the pleasure that came along with that. The way she was bracing my back firmly as her mouth worked over the flesh of my heaving breasts was infinitely different- the perfect balance of rough and gentle.
I moaned up at the ceiling, hips pressing into hers as the feel of her sucking at my flesh encompassed me. Eventually the desire to feel her skin became too much and I grasped at the bottom of her shirt, forcing her backwards as I tore it off in a swift, ungraceful motion.
I barely had a chance to admire her lithe body before she grabbed my hips and shifted me back until I was laying flat on the couch, climbing on top of me.
It's not to say I hadn't had good sex in the past few years- great sex, even. There was a lot to be said for rough, casual encounters after a stressful week. I'd gone so far as to convince myself that love would be nice if it came around again, but the real fun was in the seduction; the un-attachment of it all. But my godI was fooling myself, because nothing came close to this- the feeling of her mouth working over my skin as she popped open the button of my jeans; the overwhelming desire to feel her skin against mine; to give her what she needed.
I moaned as she sucked gently at my pulse point, slowly pulling down the zipper of my pants. I pressed my hips up against her thigh, desperate for some pressure against my throbbing center.
She sat back on her heels, and in the glow of the candle light I could finally see her- the way her wavy hair fell around bare collar bones, the freckles littering her skin. Trailing my eyes down, I stopped at the beginning of her ribcage, a long, pale scar ran almost the length of her torso. Another one curled around by her hip bone, the scar tissue a contrast to her sun darkened skin.
"I uh…" she started, running a hand through her mussed waves. I pushed myself up before she could finish, hands tangling in her hair as I pulled her into a kiss. I tried to convey every ounce of love I felt for her, pulling her slowly back down with me.
"You're beautiful" I breathed against her lips, wrapping an arm around her to keep her as close to me as possible, breasts pressing against hers as I tangled my legs around her hips. "You're so beautiful"
She trailed her lips slowly over every inch of available skin, taking her time over my breasts as I pushed my head back against the cushions, whimpering at her actions. By the time she reached the top of my lace underwear, peeking out from my unzipped jeans I was openly moaning. My body was on fire.
She slid off the couch, gaze locking with mine as she pulled my jeans and underwear down my legs. I watched her through heavy lidded eyes as her eyes trailed slowly over my form before resting a knee between my legs and lowering herself onto of me. "God Catherine" she breathed, hand ghosting over my breast on its way down my body. My nails dug into her shoulder as her fingers slid through my wetness, a strangled moan escaping against her hair.
She repeated the action a few times before focusing on my clit, mouth moving down my jawline to my neck. I rocked my hips into her hand, panting up at the ceiling. When she slid two fingers into me I pressed my head back against the couch, back arching up into her as my mouth parted with a silent moan.
She began a steady motion with her hand, mouth trailing down to suck roughly at my breasts, continuing down. My moans were deep and breathless as she added a third finger and enveloped my clit in her mouth.
"Sara, yes" I hissed, fingers grasping desperately at her hair, making sure she didn't even think about going anywhere. The pleasure was like white heat coursing through me. I tried to stave off my orgasm, desperate to hold onto this feeling, but as she sped up her pace I knew that was a lost cause. I tumbled over the edge, body going ridged against her, head thrown back before collapsing boneless against the couch.
She pressed a gentle kiss against my stomach, moving to withdraw her fingers. I quickly slid my hand down to cover hers, keeping her in place. She smirked softly against my stomach, my fingers running absently through her hair as she continued to press soft kisses intermittently across my skin. We remained like that for a few drawn out moments before I let go of her hand and she slid back up my body, the loss of connection heavy.
"Hey" she breathed, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips.
A lazy smile pulled at my lips as I wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close. I felt a deep need to hold onto this intimacy that I had been craving for so long- this feeling of safety that I hadn't felt in months. The smell of patchouli was subtle and familiar, and before long I was acutely aware once again of her breasts pushed against my skin, her lower stomach pressed against my core. I trailed my fingertips up over the length of her back before raking them gently down. She arched lightly into the touch, her sharp inhale quiet against my hair. I found her lips again, kissing her with a languid intensity, tongue brushing against hers softly.
"Bedroom" I moaned quietly into the kiss, hips rolling up into her.
We stumbled through the small apartment, her body pressing mine against the wall beside the bedroom for a few moments of intense distraction before finally making it to the bed.
I pushed her back onto the mattress, trailing my eyes over the sight of her naked against the white comforter, illuminated by the glow of a few candles. Her gaze was soft yet intense, fingers lightly grasping at the duvet in anticipation.
I crawled slowly on top of her, hyper aware of every breath, every movement. Settling on her hips, I grasped her thin wrists, pushing them against the mattress above her head. Her eyes fell half-shut as I leaned in, trailing open mouthed kisses down her neck. She began subtly grinding her hips up into me, which I countered, the friction against her clit eliciting a soft moan, hands struggling slightly in my grip, desperate to touch me. I bit down roughly against her pulse point, rewarded with the feel of her body arching up into mine.
I shifted back slightly, moving a hand between us to slide two fingers along her wetness. I watched her reactions closely as I circled her clit with a few rapid motions, loving the way her breath caught in her throat, her hand coming to grasp my hip almost painfully. I pushed two fingers slowly into her, her hips rocking up into my touch. Adding a third, I began a slow, exploratory rhythm, the earthy sound of her moans almost enough to undo me entirely. I leaned in to capture her lips in a kiss. I didn't notice her hand moving down until I felt her fingertips pressing gently at my entrance. I adjusted my hips, allowing her to push slowly into me. I moaned, grinding down against her touch as I sped up my rhythm slightly.
My free hand slid up to her breast, massaging it roughly as I rocked my hips into her slow, deep thrusts. "You feel so good" I moaned breathlessly against her parted lips, her hips picking up their pace. I took the hint, speeding up the motion of my hand, a moment later her teeth clamping down on my neck, muffling her cries as her body shook beneath mine. The feel of her coming beneath me sent me over the edge once again, losing the smooth rhythm of my hips as I rode out my orgasm against her hand.
The sound of our ragged breath filled the space between us, silent aside from the falling rain. As I came back to myself, I felt her smile between heavy breaths, lips brushing over my cheek.
We remained like that for a few long moments before I rolled off of her, pushing my hand through tangled hair as I took a few calming breaths. If I thought kissing her was intense, this was on another level entirely.
Rolling onto my side, I was met with her dark gaze focused intently on me. I searched for her hand, tangling our fingers together. I was struck by how gorgeous she looked in this post sex haze- hair wild, comfortable in her nakedness. Her body was in good shape, I knew that much, but the soft swell of her breasts came as a surprise; the shapely curve of her hips. I leaned in to press a kiss against her freckled shoulder, shifting over to nestle my head into the crook of her neck. Her arm slid around me, lips ghosting over my hair.
"You're awfully good at that" I mused, fingertips tracing lazy patterns over the skin of her stomach. She chuckled, deep and throaty. "Likewise"
"I've never been with a woman" I spoke quietly, feeling her glance down at me in surprise.
"What?"
"You're my first" I mused, nails scraping gently over her lower stomach, watching her muscles twitch gently beneath my touch. She rolled over top of me, my hands immediately finding her hips as she stared down at me with a knitted brow.
"Really?"
"Why is that so surprising?" I asked with a quiet chuckle, reaching up to tuck a strand of wild hair behind her ear.
"I don't know, because you're you"
My heart immediately dropped, smile fading as I searched her eyes. I had heard my share of 'Catherine gets around' comments from her in our day, but now…
"That came out wrong" she mumbled, brow knitting softly. "You're gorgeous, Cat. You… embody sexuality. And you danced with women for so many years, I just assumed you had experimented a little"
"It's not like I never fooled around with my dancing friends, it just never went very far. I enjoyed the company of men, and never saw beyond that… never wanted anything else" I traced her bottom lip with my thumb, still transfixed by her beauty in this intimate space. "Until you"
She stared down at me for a long moment, and I tried not to let the fear of how exposed I was in every sense seep in. This was safe, she was safe.
She leaned down to capture my lips in a deep kiss, pushing me into the bed. I threaded my hands into her hair, hips wrapping around her waist as her tongue brushed against mine. I lost myself completely in her, my body slowly starting to respond once again as I moaned quietly into her mouth. She broke away with a shaky breath, pressing a final kiss to my lips.
"I've got to put out these candles before the apartment catches on fire"
"They'll be fine" I protested, nails raking over her shoulder blades gently. I watched her eyes flutter shut at the sensation, taking a breath before pushing off of me.
"That's not how fire works" she chuckled softly, padding into the living room. I watched her go before moving to crawl beneath the soft covers. I pushed a hand through my mussed hair as I stared up at the ceiling, unable to shake the soft smile tugging at my lips.