Chapter 13- A Bump In The Road
So this is it, the last chapter before we kick things off towards the end. This chapter immediately follows the previous one, beginning with the next morning and going from there. This chapter is basically showcasing the very real chronic pain that comes with amputation, especially lower limb. While prosthetics and surgical and recovery processes have seen significant improvements, nothing is perfect. The pain and difficulties are still very real, side effects that sometimes never truly go away. Over time amputees are able to find those tricks and methods and medications to help and alleviate things, but in the beginning really bad pain days are very consuming and unfortunately common. That is where we find Jay in this chapter. Let's see how he handles things.
Waking up that following morning wasn't the best of wake up calls. Having fallen asleep on his stomach and rolled around countless times, Jay woke up his usual level of sore; rubbing his eyes through a groan as life outside his window went on. Birds were chirping and people were walking, talking, some screaming it sounded like. Turning onto his back Jay fumbled around for pain meds and water bottle that were now a staple on his bedside table, dishing out the right amounts and swallowing without much thought. This routine was so engrained in his norm now that it almost felt weird not doing it. When they first told him there would be lingering pain, the thought of living on medication honestly scared him. But now being so many weeks out he'd come to realize these small pills were granting him freedom. Because by taking them he was able to move around Lincoln Park and the precinct and all of Chicago before long. Jay looked over to the prosthetic resting against the wall close to the bathroom. He so badly wanted to walk on it, forego the crutches this morning and just maneuver around the apartment on two feet. Oh what a marvel and pleasure it would be to sip coffee and eat breakfast on two feet! But as was told by everyone in his medical circle, at this point in the game he had to pace things; limit the number of hours he walked on it. While he had been cleared to enter the real world on the device, he was still healing and things were still shifting this far out. So long as he had the pain and was less then a year out from the amputation, he had to take things slow. That and they also said it took forever to get on so he should save it for getting dressed, which having tried a couple times Jay can attest to the truth of this.
It was in the kitchen that things became an unwelcomed familiarity. That twinge and burn and tightness that plagued him in those early weeks was tickling his being. As he poured creamer into his morning caffeine fix he could no longer deny that things were bad. He thought the drugs were taking awhile to kick in or it was the result of walking around for the first time, nothing more. However, by the time he sat at the kitchen table and began eating he realized that wasn't the case. The fact was he could feel his left leg pulsing and pins and needles, as if someone sat on it for hours on end. That was the final straw, the cue that this wasn't going to be a normal day. The odd part was that he didn't fear this anymore. Way back in the other phase of life he'd be kicking himself and dreaded what lay in front of him. But now, having so many bad days under his belt he knew what to expect and what to do. Or so he thought but more on that later. Breakfast was just about inhaled and the bathroom became the finish line. It was that room or nothing else. Glorious therapeutic water was propelling him to get in there.
"Shit. It's not working," Jay thought aloud after several minutes of sitting and massaging his left leg. He bypassed the chair that was in the shower for the floor, positioning himself so that the entire leg got hit by the waterfall shower head. In time past this calmed the phantom pain, soothed the aches and muscle tightness that comes with a residual limb. But today the tingling and tightness grew ever worse, to the point Jay was convinced things were going to snap. It was very quickly becoming far too much for him to handle. The train of thought transitioned from how he was going to deal with the day to how long till Will was called in. It had been so long since one of these days and Jay hated to pull him away from work. He was so over having people stop what they were doing because he couldn't take care of himself. But upon turning the water off he was doubled over death gripping his hamstring. Whether he liked it or not he had to make the call. Thankfully good planning had him leave his phone on the bathroom counter. The phone was dialing as he wrapped a towel around his waist, collapsed in a controlled heap as Will answered.
"How bad is it?" Jay snorted, always wondering how his brother knew exactly what a call was about before the first word.
"Jay," Will cut in again, his tone a bit more serious this time.
"Really bad," Jay panted, pushing himself through the current wave of pain and tightness.
"You've got to give me the scale, man."
"A seven at least. When things crest its' closer to an eight."
"Okay. I'm telling Sharon and Maggie I'm leaving now and I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"Alright. I'm sorry, Will."
"Hey! Don't apologize for getting better. This is going to happen from time to time. Where are you right now."
"The bathroom, just got out of the shower."
"Are you able to get up and get dressed?"
"I can't even imagine standing up right now."
"Okay, yeah this is a good one. I'm hurrying and I'll bring a couple shots of stuff. Just stay where you are and keeping rubbing things. Use the cold floor to help ice. We'll figure out the rest when I get there."
"Thanks, Will," was all Jay could expel before hanging the phone up. Twenty minutes might as well been a millennium.
…
The promised twenty minute arrival was more like twenty-five, thirty minutes thanks to traffic and double verifying that he was not checking out narcotics for himself. With his key to the place Will let himself in, red lining it to the bathroom. Along the way he noted the mess in the kitchen and misplacement of the living room, concluding to himself that messy Jay would never change and dishes would be done once Jay was situated. Approaching the bathroom door Will listening to the steady drip of the shower and subtle grunts and moans coming from his brother.
"Jay, I'm coming in," Will knocked, standing in the doorway and taking the scene in in heartache. Jay was resting against the bathroom vanity, right leg propped up so Jay could rest his head on his knee. He was still massaging his left leg, closed eyelids shutting tighter when things got worse. His body was shivering from the cold yet it didn't seem to both Jay. The fact he was even cold was odd to Will because the whole room was a giant sauna. When he opened the door he was met with a plume of fog and humidity, things looking like the opening of a concert. The sound of dripping was a steady stream now, the seconds he was in the bathroom enough to be annoyed at the sound. That's where Will went first, shutting things all the way off as Jay didn't budge or really acknowledge that he was there.
"How did you live with that for as long as you did?"
"After awhile it was a nice distraction." Will sighed, his brother was a sad, miserable sight to behold who was in desperate need of assistance. Will was proud of him for not trying to gut this one out on his own. Today's pain episode was beyond one person's capabilities.
"What do you want to do first, shots or clothing?"
"Clothes." Will nodded, getting up from his crouch next to Jay. Before heading to the closet he handed Jay a dripping toothbrush.
"Here, do the best you can," he coaxed before heading off. Shorts, underwear, a hoodie and a sock were grabbed, making sure it was material that wouldn't soak up water from the ice bags. By the time he made it back Jay was done brushing, holding out the toothbrush for Will to rinse.
"Do you need help getting dressed?" Jay looked out for the first time, seeming to scan all possibilities and pain levels before giving an answer.
"Just with the pants. I can do the top part." It was a process, trying to help dress without looking at things while making sure to not press too hard on the leg, but eventually Jay was fully clothed and resuming his coaxing tricks on the bathroom floor.
"Where do you want to head first," Will asked?
"Since I just got out of bed I don't feel like getting back in it. Let's do the couch."
"You sure?" Jay nodded.
"And crutches?" Again, another nod from Jay. Will stretched over to the bathroom doorway and retrieved the items, offering Jay a hand to pull himself up on. Deep breathing was happening as Jay steadied himself, Will right by his side if he needed a break.
"Shit this hurts. Is this because of yesterday," Jay expressed about halfway down the hallway.
"Could be. It could also just be the body still healing. Remember it's going to take about a year for all the swelling and settling and shaping to take place. Unfortunately that means days like this. And this is on all the daily medication?"
"Yeah."
"Wow. So this is definitely an extra bad one." Jay responded by nodding, rising off his resting spot on the wall and forcing himself to the couch. Will lined up the pillows and blankets the way Jay had grown accustomed to, gingerly helping him in a comfortable spot before the kitchen called. Proper planning and forward thinking had several ice packs ready for healing. It was something Will had taught Jay about ten days into being back home. Because it was so hard to predict the day things would go bad and how painful it all would be, he told Jay to always have at least three packs chilled and ready to go. In reality he had ten packs, but once the first three went out, the next three took their place; creating this never ending rotation of fresh ice packs. It was an extra step in the morning, but necessary when the moment arose. Looking in the freezer now and finding four perfectly frozen packs, Will was so proud that Jay was paying attention.
"So describe what you're feeling right now."
"The phantom pain is pins and needles. Like I sat on my leg all night and just now decided to move it. It's super sharp, prickly all over. Pain is just there, it's hard to go beyond that. It's just really bad and always there."
"Alright, pull a sleeve off and I'll give you the meds." With slight hesitation and great resentment Jay did as was told, rather squeamish as he felt two different needles pierce his skin.
"That should kick in in a couple minutes," Will said as he applied a bandaid on the injection site.
"How was sleeping last night. Was there any hint or warning of things getting this bad?"
"Sleep was fine. When I woke up it was the usual level of things, but half an hour later it all got really bad."
"Okay, here are the TV buttons. Keep the ice packs on and try to relax while I clean up."
"Thanks, Will. Seriously I'd still be on the bathroom floor at this point."
"Don't we know that's true," Will joked as he took off for the kitchen, leaving Jay to laugh in the truth. The amount of food Jay ate in a single meal never ceased to amaze Will. All counters had some level of food prep or just mess on it, painting this abstract story of what Jay had for breakfast that morning, or dinner the prior night; it was hard to tell in all honesty. Bread was a big factor, along with eggs and avocado based on the shell in the sink. It appeared the blender was going to be used for something, perhaps the pain being what brought that to a halt. Will turned the faucet on and practically emptied the Dawn bottle into one side, the mess was going to require a lot of elbow grease and soap. It took a couple armloads but eventually everything was in its' cleaning spot, Will deep in suds when Jay called over the running water.
"Were you just getting on your shift or were just about done?" This was a very common question when the two of them found themselves in this situation. Quite frankly Will wasn't sure why Jay even asked it since no matter the answer, Jay felt just as guilty for pulling him away from things. He'd never understand that everyone was on standby for quite awhile, all members of the workforce at Med aware that at any moment Will might have to take off and assist Jay. They knew what he was facing and how long it would be before things were quite normal, but no matter how frequently Will reassured it was fine Jay just never grasped it.
"I had been on for a couple hours, but for real Jay it's totally fine."
"Ugh. I'm sorry man. Tell Sharon and Maggie and whoever else I'm sorry they're down a person today." Will couldn't help but roll his eyes in frustration.
"Jay, there's no reason to apologize. Remember when you asked me to stop doing that? I'm now going to ask you to do the same thing. It's fine and don't ever feel bad for reaching out for help."
"Fine, whatever." It was the answer that said he didn't agree but didn't want to fight. Will chuckled, running cooler water over the soapy dishes and pans. Every now and then he'd glance up to the living room, watching Jay flip between channels. He danced between the news and sports and reruns of TV shows before jumping into the streaming platforms. This was what he'd done since the whole accident happened. He was never satisfied, couldn't find that peace and comfort and escape from things. Sure we are talking about television, but as he always did Will took things another layer. It was the subconscious unhappy with things, not comfortable and accepting what is its' reality. That one was always a damper on the situation, today being no different. Will was silent the rest of the kitchen detail duty, some twenty minutes later shutting off the lights and laying the kitchen towel on its' hook next to the stove.
"What's the pain level at now," Will asked as he returned to the living room. It was obvious that the drugs had kicked in, Jay's eyes very glassed over and mouth open just a tad as he stared at Top Chef's restaurant wars episode of whatever season. Jay didn't hear Will's question the first time, nor did he realize that his brother was standing at his foot end of the couch. He was gone in the narcotic stupor, everything slowed down and subdued for the time being. A snap of the fingers was the only thing that pulled him away from the kitchen chaos.
"Huh?!"
"Pain level. I guess the drugs have kicked in."
"Oh, like a six. It's better then before but still there. Definitely more manageable." A six was typically when harder, stronger drugs were pushed into a system, not managed by oneself. Jay's stubbornness and supposed pain tolerance would be the death of Will.
"And what was it before I got here?"
"At least an eight, maybe a nine?" Will nodded, accepting things but still worried.
"You need to eat something. I know you had breakfast not that long ago but with the pain meds you need to eat or you'll get nauseous, which is the last thing you need today."
"I'm really not hungry right now."
"What about a drink. How about a protein shake? I can go get one from around the corner. It's got the calories and good stuff to help fight things." Jay looked back to the TV for a couple seconds, at some point aimlessly nodding.
"Get the peanut butter and jelly one."
"What?!"
"Oh, don't knock it till you've tried it."
"Okay, fine," Will snorted.
"Do you have any laundry that needs to be done?" Jay pointed him towards the bedroom, instructing that it all was in the hamper. Will pestered and checked ice bags another time before dashing down the hallway, fully away that he was running against a sleep clock. Once Jay was knocked out from the pain meds he'd be gone for awhile, waking up in pain and sick feeling for the rest of the day. It was a quick load of the laundry before Will made the bed and was out the door. Will asked the obvious, if Jay was okay by himself, to which Jay just laughed and nodded. Will got his jogging and cardio in for the day, returning in under half an hour with two peanut butter and jelly protein shakes. Will handed Jay his cup before falling onto a neighboring chair. The two sipped and stared at the addictive cooking show in silence.
"Holy cow this is good," Will remarked.
"Told you. Hey, thanks for doing all of this, Will."
"Thanks for letting me play hooky today. Really needed the break." Will glanced over to Jay who gave him a dorky thumbs up and nod before the two of them resumed their sipping and staring. It was a fun, quiet, calming morning with the threat of pain spikes still to come. Which that moment arrived later in the afternoon.
…
The remainder of the morning was fine and the early afternoon saw plenty of chilling, both from relaxation and ever rotating ice packs. But it was in the late afternoon, early evening hours that it all came to a head. They were deep into a binge of Top Chef by now, no clue what season or location they were watching, just eating food while watching people make food. The pain for most of the day was there but manageable, at least a Jay manageable. That all changed in an instant, Jay convinced he just broke something.
"Will," panted the younger Halstead's way, the person in question turning around to see Jay grimacing in pain with closed eyes, death gripping his leg as he did his best to massage things. Without any examination he knew this was the worst ever. Far more then prior pain days and dare he say worse then the first time he woke up from surgery. This was a new echelon of things.
"When did we last take stuff," Jay inquired as Will approached.
"Like half an hour ago and we've been doing ice the entire time. That usually works by now."
"Well its' not." Will placed a hand on the forehead, leaping away at the partially unexpected heat to the touch.
"You're burning up. How's the breathing?"
"Tight." Will placed two fingers on the jugular, silently counting for a few seconds while listening to Jay breathe quickly against the pain spikes.
"How long has it been this bad?"
"Not that long." Will rolled his eyes, fully not believing Jay.
"So, essentially you're in shock. Your body has reached its' pain max. I'm kind of shocked you're still conscious. This is what happens when you don't say anything."
"Great, how do we make it stop."
"I'm going to call Hailey and have her stay here with you while I go back to the hospital. You're past regular pain meds. You need a nerve block." Jay groaned in disgust, hating the idea of a needle piercing his back. But the pain was so bad he didn't verbally protest. It was his way out of this and he had no other choice but to take it.
"I thought I couldn't have those."
"You can, they just did it wrong. I won't mess it up."
"Way to be confident," Jay teased, doing his best to diffuse the situation. Will smirked, in search of the phone while returning to the freezer for a fresh round of ice. Jay could hear one side of the conversation, the quick run down of the day followed by the proposed plan for what was coming next. Will was bidding farewell when he returned.
"Well?"
"She's coming and will be here in a few minutes, was just getting off when I called."
"And?"
"She's not mad if that's what you're asking, just kind of wishes you weren't so darn stubborn. Ideally I want you in bed when we do this but I'm going to wait till she gets here to move you."
"She really doesn't have to come."
"Yeah she does. I don't need you getting worse and passing out and you're all by yourself. Just focus on breathing and staying awake, I need to go call Maggie and Sharon and basically beg to break the rules." Jay didn't respond, was too busy trying to do as was told. The pain that was once all encompassing was fully gripping hold of the reigns of consciousness. He was now aware of how sweaty and shaky and really unwell he was. Perhaps it was the entrancement of the TV or the fact he was trying to hide things, but with everyone knowing and the show paused, there wasn't much holding him back from feeling things. A couple of times he wanted to puke or cry or curl in a ball and die, but instead he just stared up at the ceiling as he continued to pointlessly massage things. He found a speck on the ceiling, not much bigger then a nailhead, he decided that that was going to be his escape. No matter how bad or how quickly things deteriorated, as long as he was looking at that spot he was going to make it to the other side of this day. He didn't hear when Will whispered that Hailey was there, nor did he hear Hailey call his name and ask something. It was only when Will nudged his shoulder did he flinch and look away from his paradise.
"Hey, sorry. I'm going to leave but I want to get you in bed first." Jay slowly blinked, Will internally sigh at how bad off Jay was. You could make out the agony in the eyes and the giving up in the rest of his body. Will wanted to take it all away in the blink of an eye, but he remembered the remedy was at Med and he needed to get there ASAP.
"Okay," Jay croaked out, gingerly removing the blanket from his body and beginning to sit up. The couple inches he managed to move himself sent new ripples of pain waves all over his body. Jay collapsed back onto the pillows as Will grabbed an arm, Hailey moving closer to the couch.
"Whoa, let us help you." The name of the game was relaxation, going as limp and zen as possible until weight was under his leg. Will and Hailey claimed a side, each helping Jay maneuver into a sitting position before helping find the strength to stand on his own. It nearly took all the energy out of him, to the point of almost blacking out and falling, but a handful of minutes later they were a three man team.
"Ready," Will asked? Jay nodded several times, allowing a couple whimpers out as they all took those first steps. Every five steps it felt like, they'd come to a sudden halt due to Jay saying he needed to catch his breath. Will was beginning to run through how things would play out when he finally dropped to the floor. Will was trying to figure out how they'd carry him and get him in bed when at last they made it, Jay all but crashing onto his normal side as Will helped him move closer to the middle.
"Do you need anything before I take off?"
"No," Jay grunted.
"If he needs anything I'll get it," Hailey encouraged.
"Okay, I should be back in half an hour, tops. As much as he needs to sleep try to keep him awake until I get back." Hailey nodded, fully understanding her role. The apartment fell silent after Will jogged out of the place. If there was a clock hanging in the place, you'd hear it tick. But instead the only sound was Jay's labored pain breaths, the inhales and exhales both whiny and sorrowful and hope for things to be over. Hailey wanted to reach out and touch him, offer some kind of physical comfort in his time of need, but her slight adjustment on the bed made him hiss in distaste. She apologized but he smirked and reassured it was all fine. While Jay may have been coaxing himself to stay awake, Hailey was counting down the seconds to Will's return.
…
The opening and closing of the front door, much to Will's careful motions, seemed to shake Jay out of whatever place he was floating in. Hailey, who'd been staring into nothing for the duration of Will's time away, squeaked a little when the sound change happened. She giggled through her hands as Jay looked up at her and around the room. The two of them were seriously fighting the urge to sleep by now. Hailey would yawn through instructions to Jay while his verbal ticks to keeping himself semi-sane prevented her from dozing off.
"Hey, I'm back," Will obviously announced, a jam packed duffle bag tucked on his right shoulder. Jay was turned away so he didn't see, but Hailey did and was wide eyed at the loot.
"How serious is this," she whispered? Jay had managed to turn himself around, rolling his eyes in great dislike for what was about to happen.
"Portable ultrasound, meds, drapes, all the other stuff we shouldn't talk about around him."
"Ah, yes."
"You're sure we can do it here?"
"Yes. It's not as scary and bad as this all looks. Okay, let's roll onto your left side." As Hailey helped move Jay Will pulled out the hospital sterile procedure drapes, tucking them under Jay's side as he got situated. From there Will helped curl Jay into a ball basically so that the spine was flexed and exposed as appropriately for piercing as possible.
"Rolling the shirt up," is what kicked the heart rate up even more, which is the last thing Jay needed. Hailey noted the uneasiness, extending a hand.
"Just try and break it," she joked, which allowed Jay to relax a hair. Will then pulled the pants down to a point where Jay wasn't too thrilled.
"Will, I thought it went in the back."
"Jay, trust me I know what I'm doing. It's going in the lower back. Just try and relax." Jay closed his eyes, flinching at the cold liquid being applied to his lower back, feeling things trickle down to the bed.
"This is just the anti-septic wash," Will explained while prepping the lidocaine.
"Deep breaths. Inhale…exhale…inhale…." Will pressed two fingers on the vertebrae he'd be injecting, continuing to encourage Jay to breathe as he lined the needle up.
"Don't tense up," he said as the needle entered the skin and began going deep into the back. Hailey squeezed Jay's hand as she watched the needle disappear.
"This is just to numb things up. Sorry about the burn."
"I was gunna say." Will layered the numbing medication, releasing the drugs a bit before going further in and doing it again. Once the syringe was empty Will pulled up, pressing gauze to where there was a small amount of blood. Using the 'dirty needle' Will waited for a reaction.
"Can you feel any of this?"
"No."
"Okay, good! Hailey I need you to hold this…" He handed her the portable ultrasound screen.
"Right here," she asked as Will prepped the nerve block?
"Perfect." All too soon the muffled wave sounds from the machine echoed in the room, the sound of a strong beat and relatively healthy body coming off of things. Will jiggled the wand around till the chosen spot on the back was in view. Making sure things were secure in the hand, Will took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and then in one stroke went in. There was the ease of the thick needle breaking skin before the resistant of bone and cord and other things in the back meeting things.
"Tell me if you feel anything," Will coolly told Jay, who didn't dare breathe too deep. He felt the pressure of things, knew full well what was happening out of his purview. The last thing he wanted to do was mess things up or have to have it done all over again. Just before the pressure and discomfort reached too much to bear, it all disappeared.
"And we're done. Awesome job, man."
"That's it," Hailey asked? Will nodded while placing a cotton ball with tape on Jay's back. Another towel was wiped around the worksite before things were put away.
"Flat on your back for an hour before you can start to slowly move around. Tomorrow you're going to need some more help getting around but after that things will be out of the system and you should be fine."
"How long till things kick in?"
"The lidocaine will wear off in a couple of minutes. You'll still feel a little bit of that pressure but I'd say in the next ten, fifteen minutes it'll all go numb. If you have any pain in the next hour tell me. That's our tell if it worked or not." By now Jay was very flat and beginning to feel the tingling in his toes from the transition of the lidocaine to nerve block. Reporting this to Will earned him a high five that humble brag that only the best do home procedures.
"I'm going to go make dinner. You staying, Hailey?" She snapped out of her daydreaming at the mentioned of food, nervously laughing and nodding her head as she spoke.
"I'd love to, if that's okay with you guys."
"Of course!" Will cleaned things up before bounding out of the room, delighted to have company for the evening; probably most excited about having someone to help with the dishes. Jay saw the tiredness and felt the guilt, fully realizing she was dead tired and forced awake because of him. There was a brief yet awkward pause between the two of them, neither wanting to disturb but both wanting to say something. Hailey may have opened her mouth first but it was Jay that beat her to the speaking punch.
"How bad was work?"
"Ugh, you know how it is this time of year. The heat brings the crime. It was pretty much nonstop. The rest are still working but Voight found out I'd been up for two days straight and ordered me home."
"And instead you came here."
"No, it's not like that. You aren't pulling me away from anything. Don't feel guilty."
"Too late." Hailey reached over and smacked him in annoyance. He was so easy to figure out it was borderline comical.
"What can I do to help ease the guilt?"
"Stay here and take a nap. You've helped and now I'm retuning the favor."
"Oh…uh sure, I can take the guest room." She was playing into his 'favor.' They both knew what he meant.
"No, you're too tired to get up. Just take that side. I can't move anyway." In a semi-humorous way she scrunched deeper down the bed, feet soon brushing the foot of the bed as she rolled away from him. Jay told her to take the blanket at the end of the bed and she did so, nestling against the soft fabric and appreciating how big it was.
"How's the pain," she yawned?
"Well I'm starting to not feel my left leg so it must be working."
"That's good," she trailed off, soft sleep noises coming from her side in record time. That was all Jay needed to board the sleep train. In under five minutes both of them went from wide awake to completely checked out.
"Hey, what veg…" Will couldn't help but gawk at the scene in front of him. He didn't know if his brother planned it or if this was one of those weird yet perfect life moments, but it took everything to not capture the precious moment.
This is it. The turn for the new part. Are you ready? We shall soon see. Thanks for reading!