Summary: It's been a perfect Christmas Day so far. Now that Thomas is in bed, the adults can play.
...
What could possibly go wrong?
Notes: And here is the conclusion of our Elf on a Shelf war xD Inspired by the Hummel Holidays prompt 'Christmas'.
"That was, without a doubt, our best Christmas ever!" Kurt announces, falling onto the sofa beside his husband and curling into his side.
"You say that every year," Sebastian says, putting an arm around him.
"Well, every year, it's true."
"You definitely outdid yourself. I've never seen Thomas fall asleep so fast."
"He's been vibrating out of his skull with excitement for three straight weeks! He had to be exhausted, especially after unwrapping all those presents it took me three weeks to wrap." Kurt chuckles at the irony of how fast that happened, too. In mere minutes, 21 days' worth of measuring, cutting, and taping were obliterated by an adrenaline fueled elementary schooler. "Speaking of, thank you for jumping on the clean up so quickly. It's nice to be able to sit down and relax without worrying about a pile of wrapping paper in the corner and a stack of dishes in the sink."
"Anything I can do to help," Sebastian says, giving his husband a kiss on the top of his head and a squeeze. "Just call me your little Christmas elf."
Kurt turns his head, looking up at his husband suspiciously. "A-ha …"
Sebastian, flipping one handed through photos on his phone, glances down. "What?" he says with a nervous laugh at Kurt's accusatory stare.
"Nothing. Nothing whatsoever." With a feeling of foreboding rumbling in his stomach, Kurt carefully slides out of his husband's embrace and rises to his feet.
"Where you goin', babe?"
"I'm going to go get myself a mug of warm milk. You want anything?"
"Nope, Sebastian says, swiping through apps on his phone in a peculiarly focused way. "I'm good. Just hurry back."
"Yeah. I'll do that." Kurt walks slowly to the kitchen, one eye trained over his shoulder at his husband, who's trying too hard to act nonchalant. He approaches the door in fractions, stealing a peek at the cause of all this – Thomas's Christmas elf, tuckered out (as Thomas put it) and lying in his own cozy, custom-made bed underneath the tree. Kurt stops with his hand on the door to see if his husband will divert his gaze to check on his status. Because if he does, Kurt will know something's up.
Sebastian doesn't, but that doesn't mean anything. He's a patient man. And if he's willing to wait this long for things to play out, the payoff must be good.
Damn it! Kurt should have been more skeptical of his husband's offer to help clean the kitchen. Whatever Sebastian has planned, it's waiting for Kurt beyond this door. He just knows it!
Kurt takes a deep breath and looks at the kitchen door. Anything could be in there – any manner of morbid and despicable mess. But if Kurt doesn't go in, they won't get this over with, and then there will be one more prank hanging over Kurt's head, ready to pop up when he least expects it.
No. This has to end here. It has to end now.
Kurt squares his shoulders and opens the door, waltzing into the kitchen as if there's nothing he could see that would bother him at this point.
As has happened many times this December, he's wrong.
Yup. There're the elves. Even though they were supposedly taking a dirt nap in the back yard, they have resurfaced in his kitchen …
… and they're all naked.
But they're not alone.
He doesn't know when his husband did it, he doesn't know how, but along with the elves, there are almost twice as many Barbie and BRATZ dolls.
And they're naked as well.
Kurt scans the multitude of dolls, their pale, clothes-less bodies wound together in some of the most vulgar sexual positions Kurt has ever seen. There are threesomes and foursomes galore going on, a ton of oral, and something he can only describe as a massive centipede of anal taking place along his counter leading to the sink, not to mention the kinky, BDSM-themed sex going on over by his spice rack, which has been repurposed as a bondage device (with the help of their used Christmas ribbons). One elf is whipping a Malibu Barbie, while two BRATZ dolls force feed cayenne pepper to a bound and blindfolded elf, beside a Fashionista doll getting spit roasted by two elves who seem to be twisting their own nipples during the process.
"Babe? Are you okay? What's taking you so long? I … oh my …" Sebastian says in the least convincing rendition of a man walking in on his husband in a compromising situation Kurt has ever witnessed. "What the heck is going on in here?"
Kurt shakes his head. "So you didn't clean up the kitchen. You just made it filthier."
Sebastian shrugs. "I guess that's one way of looking at it."
"Where did you get the Barbie dolls?"
"Facebook marketplace."
Kurt slaps a palm to his forehead. "Please tell me you didn't buy any of these off our neighbors!"
"Come on, Kurt. I'm not that stupid."
"Sebastian …" Kurt sighs "… you dug up all these elves from the back yard. You're not really making a solid case for yourself."
"Harsh!"
"I mean, what if Thomas had walked in on this!?"
"There's no way that would have happened," Sebastian says, but snickering at the amount of explaining that would have fallen on poor Kurt's shoulder if their little boy had. "We would have seen him coming, and I would have intercepted him before he made it past the door. I swear."
Kurt puts his hands over his face, blocking out the sight of these dolls and their nefarious sex acts. "How long is this going to continue? I mean, there's only six more days left to this month."
"You started it."
"Ugh!" Kurt moans, peeved at his husband's childishness. By all accounts, Kurt was the obvious winner of this prank battle right out of the gate. Sebastian can't just let Kurt have a moment, can he? "How about we call a truce?"
Sebastian raises an eyebrow. "Intriguing. What are you proposing?"
"We sweep these guys and gals into a bag for donation, then we go to bed and have a little elf orgy of our own."
"Mmmm …" Sebastian grins in triumph. He knew Kurt would break after he saw this "… I like the way you think, Mr. Hummel-Smythe."
"Good," Kurt says, patting his husband on the rear. "You get started evicting our horny little guests. I'm going to go check on Thomas."
"You got it." Sebastian rushes to the kitchen cabinet to grab a trash bag. On the way, he stops, a puzzled look erasing his smug expression. "Elf orgy … is that … is that a dick size joke, Kurt?" he asks the now empty space where Kurt had stood. "Because that … that sounds like a dick size joke …"