Dedicated to my mother, with love.
Also, dedicated to Charles D. Microphone, the inventor of the microphone.
Foreword
by Jimmy James
What can I say about Bill McNeal? Bill is a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Oh wait, no, that's me! I'm Jimmy James, king of the corporate empire known as Jimmy James, Incorporated, author of the international best seller Jimmy James: Capitalist Lion Tamer (also printed under the alternative title Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler), and all around swell guy. I am also the proud owner of the best damn news station in New York City, WNYX.
Not many people know this about me, but when I was a boy I used to flick on the radio and dream of one day hearing my own voice coming over the airwaves. I would listen all day long, totally captivated by those mysterious voices that made their way into my living room. It didn't matter if it was a news broadcast, the host of a musical program, or the hilarious stylings of Fibber McGee and Molly. To me, it was just plain magic.
Then I grew up and realized there was nothing magical about it. Radios were nothing more than wires and speakers and electricity. So I set my sights on something bigger: building a multi-billion dollar corporate empire. Look at me now! Hot damn, I'm stinking rich! Still, I held onto a little piece of that childhood dream and made sure that my business portfolio would include a radio station to make that little boy inside of me proud. What can I say? Ignoring a childhood dream is just bad hoodoo.
Little did I know that my tiny AM radio station would end up being the heart of the beast. To an outsider, it can seem baffling. How could a news radio station be so crucial to a corporate empire that also includes such subsidiaries as Bayshore Sheet Metal, Rockaway Lumber, and Bethel Lighting and Electric? Corporate empires are complicated, kids. Just trust me when I tell you that if anything ever happened to WNYX, my entire empire would come crumbling down like a sand castle getting whizzed on by a golden retriever. That's why I protect that radio station like it's my own child and why I have insisted on staffing it with the absolute best people I could find.
I may not have ended up as a broadcaster, but I made damn sure to hire the best in the business. That's how I came to discover the one and only, Bill McNeal. The first time I heard of Bill McNeal was when he was caught up in some legal trouble with a news station in Indianapolis. I heard about the whole situation from Ted Turner. Let me tell you, I don't take too kindly to old Ted getting a scoop on me. So I acted like I already knew what the hell he was talking about, then I started doing my own research. I had my best people start sniffing around to see what the story was with this Bill character. Turned out, this guy was taking a lot of heat from lawyers and the press alike and earning his station a butt load of free press in the process. That's the sort of thing I can get behind. So, I decided I'd go down to Indianapolis and see for myself what all the hullabaloo was about.
When I got down there, do you know what I saw? Well, I'll tell you what I saw. I saw a man behind a microphone who gave a damn about the news. His co-anchor was making a big fuss, accusing him of harassment or some such nonsense. According to Bill, he was just doing his best to fend off her unwanted affections. Whatever the case may be, I noticed that Bill just kept on broadcasting the news in spite of the fact that he was quickly becoming the focus of some legal action and a three-ring media circus. I thought to myself, I sure can respect that. So, I drafted up an iron clad contract (you don't get this rich by accident, folks) and I invited him to come with me to New York City. He was out the door faster than you can say, "Take this job and shove it." He's been one of the lead anchors for WNYX ever since.
Ted Turner tried to tell me I didn't know what I was getting myself into hiring a loose cannon like Bill. But, I'll tell you what. Have any of his anchors published a New York Times bestselling memoir? Yeah, didn't think so. Sure, Bill has caused his fair share of scandals and FCC fines. Nevertheless, a dust up like that is still free publicity and free publicity is something that money just can't buy. Besides, anytime Bill is thinking of pushing the envelope a little too far, I remind him to check his contract and that usually reels him right back in.
Well, when I heard Bill McNeal was going to be writing his autobiography I was just pleased as Christmas punch. I told him immediately that he was going to be bigger than that guy who's really big.[1] You know the one. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Bill tried to write that book for three solid months and at the end of those three months, he fell flat on his ass. He couldn't write but two words. I felt bad for the guy, really I did. Especially since I had already taken out a giant ad in Times Square with his face on it. Imagine completely and totally failing at one of your biggest goals in life and then having to see your cheesy, grinning mug on the side of a building from your cab ride home every day for a month. Talk about rubbing it in.
I guess that doesn't matter too much anymore, though, since he finally wrote the damn thing. Only took him three tries, too. Look at this book, all filled up with stories and words and such. It's incredible, I tell ya. Just incredible. I can't say I read it myself, but I'm sure it's great. I hope he included that story about the time he and I met Ross Perot at Tavern on the Green right as he was about to re-enter the presidential race.[2] Boy, was that something!
Whatever stories Bill may have chosen to include, I'm sure this book is going to be a huge success. Even if it's not a hit here, we can always try to market it over in Japan. They love me over there! I'll put my best translators on it. Hell, even if it's a complete flop, it's still free press for the station. It's a win-win in my book. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm sure it's going to be a hit. Men and women alike will be flocking to bookstores and airports across the nation to pick up a copy of this thing.
Speaking of women, in case you haven't heard, I happen to be a very eligible bachelor. I know, it's hard to believe, what with me being so successful and rich and a helluva romantic at heart. But it's true, I am a single and very lonely man. So, if you're reading this book and you happen to be a woman over the age of eighteen, a woman of great courage, a paradigm of intelligence, fortitude, and feminine grace, please feel free to call me. My phone number is 1-800-J-JAMES. Please pick up the phone. You'll be glad you did.
Anyway, enjoy the book and don't forget to tune into WNYX. That's 585 on the AM dial. Catch ya later, B-cakes!
[1] Editor's note: According to WNYX News Director Dave Nelson, Mr. James is referring to Hulk Hogan.
[2] Editor's note: Bill McNeal wasn't actually present at this event.