A gentle voice woke Claire up out of a nightmare and it took a moment for her to get her bearings as she blinked at the strange face staring at her. The cup off to the side, the heavy fur on her, and the fire... She remembered, she was with the Chasind.
"How are you feeling?" There was an older woman, maybe in her fifties, crouched down in front of Claire, her bone necklace clacking against a necklace made of teeth. The woman's dark brown hair was lined with grey and tied back in a bun, decorated with feathers and beads.
"Confused." Claire said. She started to wake up more and sat upright, realizing her feet didn't hurt anymore. "I'm not cold." She said, smiling shyly.
"If you had been out there much longer, you would have lost your feet." The woman said. "I am Ilina, a shaman here, and it was I who healed you."
"Thank you so much." Claire said, bowing her head. "I greatly appreciate it. Oh, my name is Claire, if they hadn't told you. Claire Victoria." She figured it was better to overdo the politeness than to forget it, and she truly was thankful that she was no longer in pain.
"I have brought over some clothes that might fit you, as well." Ilina said, gesturing towards a pile of neatly folded cloth and leather. "It is not something that you're used to, so I will help you dress. Come on, stand up." Feeling a bit self conscious, Claire stood up and looked around to see if there were any other people around.
"Where's everyone else?" She asked.
"They are working." Ilina said, holding up some of the fabric. "These are enchanted to help keep the cold out. I suspect you have no problem with that?"
Claire shook her head. "The less cold I have to deal with, the better." She said. Ilina instructed her to strip and Claire felt like a ghost with her pale skin next to the shaman's dark complexion as the woman helped her dress.
"You have no meat on your bones, girl." Ilina said. "No muscle, either. Don't worry, you'll get your womanly shape soon enough. Chavdar said you're thirteen, yes? You must help out here, you do realize that Maryska is pregnant? It has been a rough pregnancy and she is nearing her time and cannot deal with you causing her problems."
The weight in Claire's stomach grew as she nodded. "Of course, I would hate to be a burden, and am willing to work as hard as I can to avoid that." That was another thing Dotty couldn't argue about; Claire did her fair share of the housework, even during the school year. Claire refused to be a leech, and besides, she figured she needed to get used to working so she could get a job and move out at the earliest opportunity. Now though, she wasn't sure what she could do other than work as hard as possible, to make it worth their while.
Once Claire was dressed, including boots, Ilina looked her over and nodded. "Very good, it all fits fine. First things, I need your help in my house. After that, we can get you some food. Work first, food second." Claire nodded. She wasn't very hungry anyway, the depression was settling in her stomach just fine and there was no room for food. She followed the shaman out of Chavdar's place, surprised to see it was morning, and to a small building nestled in the branches of a tree, overlooking the village. There were a few other such buildings and Claire wondered if there were more shamans or if someone else lived there.
Inside, it looked like a mess. Herbs were drying, hanging from the ceiling in what looked like a disorganized manner, bowls of strange looking liquids were strewn about, and there was a pile of bones in one corner. Ilina went rummaging through some bottles before picking out a few and an empty flask.
"You must learn how to make an elfroot potion first." Ilina said. "These are very necessary with Maryska's pregnancy and you will need to keep them on hand at all times. I will teach you to know when to administer them." Claire nodded, surprised. Was Ilina going to train her to be a healer then?
"Yes ma'am." Claire said. Ilina proceeded to explain each process and Claire watched carefully, hoping she wouldn't get anything wrong.
"Does she have any magical talent?" Chavdar asked Ilina after the girl had fallen asleep.
"She does." Ilina said. "But it has not shown itself yet. I can feel it bubbling just under the surface, desperate to come out, and it feels strange, and strong."
"Will you be able to help her then?" He asked.
"The others will help, and I will keep an eye on her." Ilina said. "I will not coddle the girl, and she knows it. She is a hard worker with very little confidence, far too hard on herself. She messed up a potion today and thought I was going to punish her for it. It will take time, but she will learn that we are not like her previous tribe. We do not abuse our people."
"I can't imagine sending my son off to die in some strange land just for possessing magical talent." Chavdar said. "And they call us barbarians."
Claire had been with the Chasind for maybe three weeks and she was starting to get into the routine of their daily life. She spent a lot of time with the shamans, running errands, mixing potions, and learning everything she could about being a healer. Maryska was struggling with her pregnancy and when Claire wasn't with the shamans, she was with her, giving her medicines and trying to ease her discomfort. Claire had been struggling with her depression, trying to stay distracted by her duties, but Maryska kept lashing out at her, taking her frustrations out on the girl. One day Maryska yelled for some pain killers and Claire went as fast as she could to make it.
"I brought you the potion, Maryska." Claire said, hurrying to the woman's side. Maryska was groaning in pain, writhing on the bed.
"Urgh, can you be any slower?" Maryska said. "I cannot believe I was saddled with someone like you and not someone more competent!"
Claire bit her lip, fighting the tears. "I'm sorry, I went as fast as I could!"
"Obviously not fast enough." Maryska cried out in pain again before she downed the potion and threw the empty vial at Claire. It missed her and smashed against the wall, showering broken glass everywhere. Claire grabbed the broom and started sweeping it up.
"Stupid clumsy girl." Maryska groaned. "Why did Chavdar have to find you and bring you here? I wish he'd never done something so stupid!" Claire stared at the broken glass in her hand, her tears washing away the dirt.
"I'll leave then." She said. Maryska grunted in reply and Claire hurried away. She couldn't help but wonder if it would be better if she should just seek her death. No one really wanted her, she was just a burden, a slow and stupid burden. She hurried outside and up the path to find Ilina. She couldn't just leave Maryska alone, after all.
"Ilina?" Claire called.
"Is something the matter?" Ilina asked.
"I don't know, Maryska seems to be in more pain than usual and isn't herself." Claire said. "She needs help I can't give her."
Ilina sighed. "Very well. Be off with you then, I'll take over from here." The shaman pushed past Claire, hurrying down the path. Claire shut the door, then slipped quietly past the buildings and into the forest, hoping no one had seen her. A fine mist of snow was coming down, mingling with the tears on her cheeks, and she thought it was incredibly fitting for her mood. How she had dreamed of what going to Thedas would be like, how magical and wonderful it would be to meet her favorite characters... and here she was, playing nursemaid to a woman who hated her, far away from any other form of civilization, miles from places like Lothering or Redcliffe, places she knew. Even being a mage in the Circle might have been preferable, for at least she knew what would be expected of her.
Claire stopped when she was a good distance away and broke down sobbing. All the pent up anger and frustration came pouring out and all she could think was how much she didn't want to live anymore. What reason did she have? Maryska didn't want her, she was just a burden to the woman and was constantly reminded of it. Ilina barely put up with her, she could tell. The shaman would probably be much happier without Claire getting under her feet. Chavdar was rarely around, and when he was, he didn't really say much, and all the stares she got from the other Chasind... She didn't belong, with her pale skin, light blond hair and blue eyes, and weird ways. Their customs weren't too hard to get used to, but it was still so different from how she was used to things.
Not to mention the nightmares. It felt like every night, the nightmares got worse and she wasn't even getting any rest anymore, as if there were demons clawing at her very soul, seeking a path to the mortal realm. When she had mentioned them to Ilina, the shaman had shrugged her off, saying that everyone has nightmares and they should be dealt with privately. But Claire wasn't sure she could handle it anymore. Everything was just piling up, weighing her down, and she needed to escape.
"You know you're going to attract wolves with all that howling you're doing." A strong, young, male voice cut through her thoughts and she felt bitterness towards the person.
"Good, let them come." She said. "Maybe they can finish what should have been done weeks ago."
"If you seek death, I can deliver that now." The man said. She looked up at him, her eyes puffy and red. He looked like a younger version of Chavdar, though he had his mother's eyes and smile, and she realized he must be Fedir. How fitting then, that he would be willing to do what his father would not.
"Please..." She said. "I can't take it anymore..." He raised an eyebrow and pulled out a hunting knife. She closed her eyes and raised her chin, uncertain of where he would strike her, and prayed it would be quick.
"You do not wish to see your death?" He asked. Startled, she opened her eyes.
"My eyes are open now." She said, hands at her side. He carefully put the knife up to her neck, staring into her eyes and she refused to flinch. It would all be over soon and she would finally be at peace. She could see concern in his eyes, though his hand never wavered, and she wondered if he was going to do it, or was just testing her.
"You're serious." He said, sounding like he couldn't believe it. "You would so willingly go to your death at the hand of a stranger?"
"I was going to do it myself, and I will if you don't." She said, her bottom lip trembling.
He lowered the knife and sheathed it. "Will you do me a favor before you do?" She looked at him skeptically.
"That depends on what it is." She said.
"Just answer a few questions, that's all." He said. She nodded, so he continued. "I arrived late last night and my father informed me of your situation. He said he found you in the Wilds, freezing to death, wearing nothing but undergarments. He took you in, warmed you up, and you've been clothed and fed, and even given a job helping Shaman Ilina care for my mother. He said that you've been a great help to everyone. My question is, why would you feel like you've nothing to live for, when you have people who care about you? People who need you?"
She frowned, confused. "No one cares about me, and I mess things up far more than I help. I'm a burden, like I was back at my own home. What would make you think people care?" She had started crying again. "I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere, and your village would be better off without me! Your mother said so, she confirms my feelings daily!" Fedir stared at her in shock, unable to believe his mother would say anything like that. He hadn't been away so long that she would have changed so drastically, had he?
"Come back with me, we'll clear this thing up." He said, grabbing her arm and lifting her up.
"Do I have a choice?" She asked, sounding like a sullen child.
"No." He said, reminded of not that long ago when his own father reprimanded him over something. He kept a tight grip on her arm as they went back to his house, determined to not let her get a chance to end herself before he had a chance to sort everything out. When they got inside, his father was there, looking grim, his eyes red from crying.
"Without you, Maryska would have died." Chavdar said, staring at Claire. Fedir gave her an 'I told you so' look, but she was too confused.
"But how?" She asked. "I didn't do anything."
"You gave her a potion, then ran and got Ilina, worried that Maryska wasn't herself." Chavdar said. "If you had ignored the signs..." He closed his mouth, looking like he was going to cry again.
"Is mother all right?" Fedir asked.
"Ilina has her stable. We almost lost the baby, but Ilina was able to get to him in time as well." Claire stared at the floor, with so many confused feelings rushing through her head. She wasn't sure if it meant she needed to stay alive or not, but she was glad to hear she had done something right for once. She was suddenly grasped into a bear hug, making it difficult to breathe.
"I owe you the lives of my wife and my unborn child." Chavdar said.
"Father..." Fedir put a hand on his father's arm and the man loosened his grip on Claire, stepping back to look at her.
"What's wrong?" He said, realizing Claire's eyes were just as red as his. He looked to his son. "What happened?"
"Mother apparently said something... I don't know what, but it made Claire..." Fedir glanced between Claire and his father. "She begged me to end her life, and she was serious. I put my knife to her neck and she was ready to accept her death."
Chavdar got down to her level and looked her in the eyes. "Why?" He asked, desperation in his voice. "Do you think it wouldn't hurt us to lose you? If we didn't care for you, I would have left you out there to die. After everything we've done for you, and you would think us so shallow to not care about you?"
She looked at him with despair in her eyes. "I've never been anything but a burden, even from the moment I got here, that's what I was told. It didn't seem any different from where I'm from... they didn't want me there either. As long as I kept my mouth shut and did my work, I wasn't harassed, or insulted... at least Maryska has the decency to tell me to my face, unlike my aunt who would go behind my back to pick me apart."
"You told Ilina that Maryska wasn't herself." Chavdar said. "What did she say to you?" Claire bit her lip and looked down, but he lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Tell me what she said."
"She... she told me I was slow and incompetent." Claire said. "She threw the empty potion at me, but it hit the wall and so she called me clumsy. While I cleaned it up, she yelled that she wished you had never brought me here, that it was incredibly stupid of you..." Claire started crying again as Fedir shared a look with his father.
"What was wrong with mother?" Fedir asked.
"Ilina didn't say, nor did I ask..." Chavdar said. "But Claire, you said yourself that she was acting strangely. Why would you take her words to heart?"
"It wasn't her words I thought strange." Claire said, wiping her eyes. "It's not the first time she's said such things... It was the amount of pain she was in, the way she was writhing on the bed. I knew something was wrong and that I couldn't do anything. She wanted Ilina anyway... Ilina told me to go away... so I did."
"We're not like your old tribe." Chavdar growled. "We don't coddle people here, we don't show affection as I'm guessing your people did, but that doesn't mean we don't care about you. No matter what she said today, Maryska does care about you, as does Ilina, and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be." Claire felt so confused, having this man yell at her as if he was incredibly angry with her, while saying they cared about her... It just felt so backwards to her and she just wanted to be left alone.
"I... I'm sorry." She said. "I'm not used to... any of this. I'll try harder..."
"I'm not really sure you understand." Fedir chuckled. "But we'll work on it, yes?"
Frowning, she nodded. "Yeah..."