"Claire, I can tell something's wrong." Anders said, taking her hand in his as they sat at the edge of a cliff. She hadn't said much since she had shown up and just seemed agitated. "Did you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head. "I don't even know what's going on anymore... I was right, there is a Blight happening and the Wardens march out in the morning. I told you I was training one, right? Cedrik, the mage?" He could feel a ball of jealousy building up inside at the mention, but he swallowed it and nodded as she sighed. "He's going to die... they're all going to die out there... and he has grown a bit fond of me. He cares for me a great deal, and he respects me. He doesn't want me to go out on the battlefield with them."
Trying to keep his feelings bottled, he asked, "And how do you feel about him? Can you even return his affection?"
"That's the thing, I don't know!" She was so frustrated she hit the ground. "I'm so conflicted... On the one hand, he's going to die and if I let myself get attached, how badly is that going to hurt? Or is it already too late? He... when he touched my arm the other day, it didn't feel right. You're right, the magister did ruin me... Would it change anything if I were to be with someone I was actually in love with...?" He felt his own frustration boiling inside of him, both with her and with himself. This was a man she was talking about, wondering if she should get romantic with, not a woman! Did she not care? She had no problem with him touching her, was that because she didn't think of him in a romantic way? How was he supposed to be a good friend when all he could think about was proclaiming his own love for her?
"You have no problem with me touching you." He said, with more growl in his voice than he intended. She looked up at him sharply, confused.
"I've known you for years..." She said. "You're the only person I've ever felt comfortable around. Does... I'm not really sure what you mean by that though..." Was she just playing stupid or could she really not see how much he loved her? Was he that good at hiding it? If he wasn't so afraid of losing her again, he would tell her. He would kiss her, and make her forget about anyone else. But he was an apostate, he was never going to stop escaping the tower. What kind of life could he give her? They would be forced to keep any relationship to the Fade.
"So it is possible for you to overcome it." He said. "Though I'm not saying you should run into the arms of someone who's going to die within the next month or so. Then I'll have to help clean up that mess..."
"Oh Anders..." She shook her head, smiling a little. "I wish things could have turned out a little differently. Then, maybe..." She blushed and got up.
"What? Then maybe what?" He got up and followed her.
"I don't know, I'm just confused and trying to figure out all these feelings inside." She said. "I keep wondering what would happen if I got into a romantic relationship with someone, would I even be able to... You and I, we've never done anything more than just hold hands or hug. I trust you, I know you're not going to try anything with me." She turned and looked at him.
"You're rambling again." He said.
"I doubt you'd ever admit it to the person, but have you ever been in love?" She asked, looking into his eyes. "Have you ever been that attached to someone? I know you cared deeply for Karl..." If she only knew...
"I have, and it's torture." He said, glimpsing a quick flash of pain in her eyes. "Seeing her, not being able to do anything about it... Trysts are one thing... two people looking for a quick fuck in the closet before the Templars catch on. But to actually have a real relationship, where two people love each other? It's a recipe for disaster! And it would give the Templars too much power over us if there was something we couldn't stand to lose. As you said, look at what they did to Karl."
"Yeah... and like how they used you against me all those years ago..." She said. "But, being outside the Circle allows for more opportunity."
Anders couldn't hide his annoyance with that statement and sneered. "Oh, good for you! No need to gloat about it while I'm stuck in this little cell all alone, trapped by the Circle." She became furious and slapped him hard across the face.
"Do not speak to me that way." She said. "I... I don't know what I was thinking, bringing it up, but that's just not fair. Do you just want me around so you'll have someone to keep you from insanity? Just to use me? I can't blame you, but I also cannot tolerate being yelled at just because I'm not in the Circle." He grabbed for her, but it was too late, she'd left. He was so stupid, taking his frustration out on her. That wasn't the first time she'd accused him of using her, and as he thought about it, her statement about being outside the Circle could have been taken quite differently, in his benefit... He cursed himself, unable to ask for clarification.
Claire had a hard time focusing as she watched the Wardens leave, and seeing Cedrik look back at her and wave just confused her even more. A relationship with Anders was a stupid idea anyway. They fought far too often, it would be a disaster. She grumbled and gathered her own gear, then headed to the Alienage looking for Alberoth. She was pointed to the arl's estate and groaned. Would they let someone like herself in? There she was all dressed in her battlemage gear... She shrugged and walked to the back entrance, trying to remember where the kitchen was.
"Where do you think you're going?" One of the guards asked, stepping in front of the door.
"To the kitchen." She said, smiling. She didn't want to have to use her powers on them, but she would if it came to it. "I need to speak with one of the elves, Alberoth. He has been neglecting his duties!" The guards shared a look and she sighed, pulling out her coin purse. "Fine, would a sovereign each work? I'm not lying about needing to go to the kitchen to speak to the elf."
She walked through the halls, annoyed at the lightening of her coin purse, and hoped she wouldn't have to bribe anymore guards. The estate was large and full of guards and servants, but she walked with purpose and they seemed to ignore her for the most part. The kitchen wasn't very difficult to find, since she'd entered in the servant's entrance, however finding Alberoth was proving more problematic. She didn't see him anywhere.
"Excuse me." She caught the attention of another elf. "I'm looking for Alberoth, do you know where I can find him?" The elf became nervous, his eyes darting around, then he shook his head. "Please, I must speak with him. If you know where he is, I swear it won't come back on you." The elf pointed a shaking finger towards a door and ran off. Wondering what that was about, she went to the door. It opened to reveal a staircase leading down into what looked like a wine cellar. It was dimly lit, but she could hear sounds coming from the back that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up.
Muffled sobs, soft crooning, and other noises that made her quicken her steps, pulling out her staff as she hurried. On the floor, on his belly, lay Alberoth, naked, with a similarly dressed human man on top of him. The look on Alberoth's face when he saw her made her not hesitate in grabbing the human by the hair and she threw him to the side. Stunned, the man stared at her, so she cast a sleep spell on him, then hurried to the elf's side.
"Are you going to be all right?" She asked, covering him with a blanket and healing him. "I should have taken you when I first got here..."
"J-just get me out of here..." He said. "Before the guards see what you've done... they'll kill me for certain."
"Not if I have anything to say about it." She growled. She turned her back as he got dressed, his shaking hands making it difficult. "Has this been going on long? I suppose it doesn't matter anymore... Come on, we're getting out of here even if I have to destroy this place in the process." He stared at her with his eyes wide with fear.
"P-please don't!" He said.
"Well, let's hurry then, before they find him." She jerked her thumb at the still sleeping man. "Don't worry, he's just asleep." She grabbed Alberoth's arm and pulled him along until they got to the top of the stairs. She brushed herself off, composed herself, and strode out into the kitchen like she owned the place, heading towards the exit with Alberoth trailing behind her trying not to look so nervous. They made it out into the marketplace before they heard the alarm bells. As the people in the crowded area turned to look towards the estate, Claire pulled the elf into a small hidden alley.
"I never told you what I am, did I?" She asked, making sure they hadn't been seen.
"W-what do you mean?" He asked, backing away.
"I'm a shapeshifter. They're looking for me, probably not so much you, so I'll need to transform." She said. She pulled out a cloak from her pack and handed it to him. "Hopefully this will throw them off a little. Please don't be alarmed by what I do." She turned herself into a mangy mutt dog and looked up at him. She could smell his fear, so she whined and cocked her head to the side.
"I-I guess we should get going out of the city then..." He said. She bobbed her head and headed back out to the marketplace, heading towards the gate. The guards ignored the two and they were able to leave the city uninterrupted, but Claire waited until the city had vanished from sight before becoming human again.
"Thank you." He said. "I didn't think I would ever be able to escape..." He seemed to be fighting back tears and she felt horrible. How many nights had she lain awake, wishing she could escape the magister? Now, he was free, and everything that had been building up was on the verge of breaking out itself. Would he let it, or would he try to bottle it up?
"Alberoth, did you want to talk about it? Just let it out?" She tried to sound gentle and calm, but she was having a hard time. The only people who ever confided in her were Anders and Abelia, and she seemed to mess up any talk with Anders...
"You've already done so much for me." He said. "You don't need me to unload on you."
"I've been through a lot." She said. "Our experiences might be more similar than you think, and I know how important it is to let it out, rather than to let it fester inside of you. It will eat you up."
"You?" He looked at her suspiciously. "How could you know anything of what I've been through? You're a human, and you have power! I was nothing more than a slave to those shems, something to be used, and no one dared to say anything because there is no justice for us elves!"
"For the past eight years, I was a slave in Tevinter." She said quietly. "Power doesn't mean much when you're a slave and can't overpower your master, and being human doesn't even mean much. I was equal to the elven slaves there, forced to cater to the magister's every whim. When I thought I had gotten the upper hand on the magister, he turned around and used my weaknesses against me, forcing me to continue to serve him. It wasn't until I had finally gained better control of my power that I was able to escape."
"Oh... I guess you do know..." He sighed, then started talking about his frustrations and everything that made him angry, and Claire found it nice to be able to talk to someone who shared some of her own problems. They made camp that night and Claire kept her guard up, surrounding the camp with wards. She contemplated going to the Fade to find Anders, but felt a strange ache when she thought about him. She couldn't face him yet. He was going to be let out soon, and then what? Would she get to see him in person again? Would he want to see her...? She wasn't sure how she always managed to piss him off.
Grumbling, she instead sought out Cedrik. He was walking around the raw Fade, and became very excited when he saw her.
"Claire!" He said, running over to her. "What are you doing here? I didn't think I'd get to see you again until you made it to Ostagar. We're almost there, I think. We would have made it tonight, but we were waylaid by some travelers and we had to make a couple stops."
"I'm glad you seem to be doing well." She said, smiling. She wasn't sure he could ever really be angry with her, he was always so happy to see her, and she realized even with how they were always butting heads, she would always love Anders the most. "I just wanted to say hello, see how things were going. I should be there by tomorrow, probably late though. Don't start any battles without me, all right?"
"You shouldn't come." He became serious and tentatively raised a hand as if to touch her, then dropped it.
"I can't leave you..." She said. Her face felt hot as she realized she did like him. It wasn't the same way she felt about Anders, by far, but it was something, and why shouldn't she? It wasn't like Anders cared. "Cedrik, I... I really care about you..." She grabbed his hand, but he pulled away, refusing to look at her.
"Claire, don't." He said. She stared at him, hurt, unsure of what to say or do.
"Why?" She asked. "I know what the risks are, if that's what you're worried about."
"I'm going into battle soon, I'm probably going to die!" He had angry tears in his eyes. "It would only hurt you more if..."
"You think I don't know that?" She asked. "It's all right, don't be worried for me, I know what I'm getting myself into."
"Do you?" He asked, taking her hand and kissing it. "You who flinches with every touch?" She couldn't explain the feelings she felt at his touch. Tingly, anxious, almost like it burned, but at the same time she wanted to feel more. Pushing past the discomfort, she pulled him close and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, letting go of all the feelings he'd been holding back, kissing her with an urgency that scared her. She had asked for it! After a brief moment, she remembered her training and managed to control her fear, kissing him back while running her hands up his back.
He pulled away, tears running down his face. "It's not fair." He said. "That I should find you only to be facing my death..."
"You don't know that!" She said. "I'll be there, fighting beside you. We can win this! And if not, at least we won't regret not saying something while we had the chance. I don't want you to be on the battlefield, bleeding out, wishing you had told me how you had felt." She didn't see anything wrong with giving him even the slightest bit of false hope, but she found herself crying too. A brief fling with a dying man... And she would be there at the end with him. Whether she herself survived would be something she'd have to wait and see. Did she want to survive? She'd spent most of her time in Thedas fighting depression, but there were always bright spots and now she felt like she had something to live for. She had something to fight for. She may not belong to Thedas, but as long as she could, she would fight for it and the people in it.
"I would feel better knowing you were safe." He said, wiping her tears away. "You don't need to throw away your life for me."
"It isn't throwing my life away!" She said. "It is fighting for a cause, fighting for the freedom of Ferelden from the darkspawn! For all of Thedas. If Ferelden falls to the darkspawn, the other countries will have to rally together to fight it back!"
"The Orlesian Wardens should be coming to aid us." He said. "Duncan said King Maric has been in contact with Empress Celene, and he has been in contact with the Warden Commander in Orlais, so they should arrive soon."
"Well then that sounds like a winning army to me!" She said, trying to smile. She was used to depression, how bad could it be to lose an entire group of wonderful people in a single battle? Oh Maker, what had she gotten herself into?