Cedrik grabbed Claire's hand and led her into a secluded area, far away from the camp. The sun was starting to set, but they were safe enough. Claire knew the darkspawn wouldn't attack until at least the next night, but feeling his agitation was starting to make her nervous.
"What's wrong?" She asked when he finally stopped. He paced around, brow furrowed in thought, until he finally approached her, placing his hands on either side of her body, pinning her to the stone wall and she could smell the alcohol on his breath.
"Claire, you have been driving me insane since we first met." He said, his breath husky. "I have tried to hold back, but dammit, woman, we almost died out there last night! Markus barely made it out alive and only because you saved him! I don't... I don't want to die, but each battle is getting worse..." The look in his eyes alone was scaring her and she wanted nothing more than to run away, but she was paralyzed by her anxiety.
"We've taken it slow, but you keep resisting, you keep pushing me away." She was surprised to see tears sliding down his face. "I thought you loved me! I thought you cared about me!"
"I do!" She said. "You think I don't? You think that because I can't handle even the thought of having sex that I don't love you?" He slammed his hand against the wall, scaring her.
"Dammit, Claire, I can't keep resisting you like this!" He pushed himself against her, kissing her roughly, her mind screaming in a panic as he ripped the dress she was wearing off her shoulders. His hands were rough against her skin and as he ripped the dress down, she felt herself having trouble breathing. He started kissing her neck, nipping her with his teeth, driving her further into her panic.
"Cedrik, please stop!" She gasped. "Please, why are you doing this?" She was strong, she should be able to fight him! He ignored her and his hand found its way between her legs. The shock it gave her sent her over the edge and she found herself escaping into the Fade.
The Fade was a familiar place, it was a comfort, and she was able to block out the feelings of her body. She put on a simple mage robe, created a large green field, and started sobbing uncontrollably.
A hand on her shoulder made her jerk away, crawling backwards in a panic to get away from the source, only to realize it was Anders. Of course, he would have to find her like that. His expression was a mix of concern and pity, but there was something else smoldering beneath the surface.
"So, I take it your lover is dead?" He asked. She wiped her eyes, shaking her head.
"Please don't call him that." She said. "Why are you here? I didn't think you wanted to see me again, the way we left off." His expression softened a little and he stepped closer to her, but she crawled back away from him, still afraid.
"What's wrong?" He asked. "Why are you afraid of me? Did he hurt you? Did he touch you?" She looked down, not wanting to answer, but her silence said enough. "If I find him, I will..."
"No, please... He's... it's not..." She couldn't make excuses for Cedrik's drunken behavior, but she didn't want Anders to get upset. Figuring that was too late, she sighed and continued, "I've been resisting his passes... After last night's battle, we almost lost a few men. He thinks we're not going to survive the next battle and got drunk tonight, took me away from the others... He said he couldn't resist me anymore. I panicked when he... and... and I retreated to the Fade. I don't know... don't know what he's doing to my body. I don't want to know." She collapsed on the ground, sobbing again. She could feel the anger coming from Anders as he stood there, fists clenched.
"I... I know you didn't want to deal with anything like this... this mess... so I'll understand if you leave." She said, eyes closed.
"You think I'd just leave my dearest friend in this kind of situation?" He crouched down in front of her and she looked up. "What kind of person do you take me for?"
"Anders..." Dearest friend... Of all the things she could want at that moment, she really wanted him to hold her. She trusted him, she loved him, and she should never have tried to have a relationship with someone as on edge and emotional as Cedrik. She knew he was going to feel horrible about it when he sobered up, but he was dangerous. She could never trust him. She threw her arms around Anders, crying on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her. It felt right, with him, unlike with Cedrik, where it made her skin crawl.
"I'm sorry I haven't been the most understanding friend." He said. "But I'll always be here for you when you need me. I'm having a hard time not being there in person for you right now to shoot lightning at the bastard..." She could feel he was tense and shaking with anger.
"I should have dragged him into the Fade." She said. "I didn't think, I just reacted... But now... now I'm afraid to go back. I don't want to leave the Fade, I don't want to know what happened."
"If you stay here, you'll die!" Anders forced her head up and looked her in the eye. "I had come to tell you I've been released from solitary confinement, and if you die on me now, I will never forgive you! I'm going to find a way out of this tower and then we can meet up, and if that... rat bastard mage is still alive, I will kill him myself!" It got a small giggle out of her and Anders helped her up. She looked at him, into his amber eyes, and wondered how she could have ever thought she could like anyone else. Feeling her bottom lip trembling again, she buried her face into his chest, gripping his robe.
"I don't want to leave you." She said. "I don't want to go into battle tomorrow or the next day, I don't want to watch everyone around me die..."
"I don't want you in the battle either." He said quietly. "You need to live so I can give you a massage in person." She laughed.
"A massage sounds like a wonderful thing right now." She said. "We've had three battles so far... I don't know when the next one will be, or if the next one is the last... We're waiting for Duncan to get back with the last recruit. I will be careful, but I can't abandon them all..."
"You know they all die." He said. "If you go with them, what makes you think your fate will be any different?"
"Because I've seen the battle?" She gave him a weak grin. "I make no guarantees but I'll be careful. Or at least, we'll see what happens... my body... What if he..." She shuddered and closed her eyes. "You have ideas on what the magister did with me for the eight years I was with him, but... he kept me a virgin. I don't want to be raped, I don't want him to touch me anymore... but I don't know how to stop it."
He stared at her with his mouth open. "I... Eight years?" He gasped. "But you said he had made you his apprentice! Why didn't you tell me? Never mind, we can talk about that later." He started pacing, fists clenched. "Even if I were to leave the tower tonight, I wouldn't be able to rescue you in time... This is so frustrating."
"I wish I hadn't told you." Claire said. "That's why I didn't tell you about the magister... I didn't want you to worry about something so far out of your control."
"I care about you, Claire." He said, looking at her. "You didn't have to go through that alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. I may not be able to be there to stop him, but I can be here to support you." She grabbed his robe again and buried her head in his chest.
"Can I... can I just stay here for a while?" She asked. "I don't ever want to leave you..."
"Anything for you." He said, holding her close.
Never had Anders imagined this scenario, Claire practically proclaiming her love for him while her physical body was being violated by some desperate man. All he could do was be there for her, show her how he felt about her through comfort and support, his frustration smoldering inside of him. She had finally stopped crying and he was just holding her as they stood in silence. If her vision was true, and so far it was looking like it was, then the bastard was going to get what he deserved at the hands of the darkspawn before long. Claire would just have to stay strong.
He couldn't believe she had suffered at the hands of the magister for eight years without saying anything to him. It said a lot about their friendship that she trusted Anders enough for her to be so comfortable with him. She said she knew he wouldn't do anything to her, even after not seeing him for two years. How? How had he earned that level of trust? He didn't think she would trust anyone else so easily, so why him? All he had done was stumble over her in the forest all those years ago, yet she had latched onto him and he had looked forward to seeing her, even though at the time she was just a kid to him. As he watched her grow up, he found himself growing attracted to her, but he had also been very jealous that she'd been free.
He realized how wrong his thinking had been, how she had hid that from him even though she trusted him with everything else. She hadn't been free, she had only pretended, for his sake. Thinking about her behavior even just the past few months, it suddenly seemed obvious to him that she loved him. He'd just been too blind to see it, too wrapped up in his own troubles and frustrations to pay attention, assuming other things. What did she think of him, then, that she would hide her feelings for him? She had said, "If only things had been different." He was a fool and he needed to fix that.
"Claire..." He murmured as she rubbed her face in his robe.
"I know... I need to go back..." She sighed.
"That's not what I meant." He said. "If you need more time, stay."
"Thank you, but I do need to go back." She said, pulling away. "I need to deal with whatever happened."
"Just remember, I'll be here if you need me." He said. "Whatever you need... I will move mountains to get to you if I must." She became visibly upset again and he wondered if he had said something wrong. She quickly nodded and stepped back, vanishing and leaving him bewildered.
Anders' words surprised her, but she forced herself to think on them later and stepped out of the Fade and back to her body, sitting up with a jolt. Someone had placed a blanket over her and her body hurt as if she'd been beaten up. Shuddering, she looked around. The night was quiet and dark, with no sign of Cedrik anywhere. She eased her pain and became a cat, slipping quietly across the rocks towards the camp, nervous at what she would find. Keeping to the shadows, she saw the Wardens off to the side, on the outskirts of the main encampment, and those who were awake were each trying to relax in whatever way they could, through reading or sharpening of weaponry, or eating.
There was no sign of Cedrik anywhere, and without her clothing, she wasn't about to go asking about him. She would have to wait until they were asleep, or maybe become a Mabari and sneak them away. It was the best plan she could come up with, so she did and walked around the edge of the tents. They looked at her funny, but didn't ask questions. Maybe they were used to Mabaris wandering around. She really needed to find out what happened with Cedrik, though. She had expected him to be there when she woke up and not finding him anywhere was disturbing her. He was a highly emotional man and he was drunk, not a good combination, especially after assaulting the woman he was supposedly in love with.
After grabbing some clothing, she ran back to the area he had left her in and became a human so she could get dressed in what she had snagged. Then she became a Mabari to sniff the area out. His scent was pretty easy to pick up and she followed it down a small winding path. Heart rending sobs reached her ears and she started running. There he was, prostrate on the ground, his warden gear glinting in the pale moonlight, shaking with each sob. She was conflicted. What was she supposed to do with him? There was a part of her that wanted to rip his throat out, while arguing that he was just going to die to the darkspawn soon anyway, but another part felt sorry for the man, an emotional wreck who had seriously screwed up and felt horrible about it. She couldn't forgive him, but she supposed she couldn't kill him either. She hadn't killed the magister, after all, and he'd done far worse.
She became a human again and touched his shoulder. He jerked up, staring at her in horror as he started backing up. She kept her expression as flat as possible, standing still.
"Claire..." His voice came out strangled and hoarse. He shook his head and started sobbing again. He was worse than she had expected and was conflicted. He wouldn't be suicidal, would he? Driven by guilt? What had he done to her while she was in the Fade? Making up her mind on what to do, she walked towards him and grabbed his arm, dragging him into the Fade with her. Just in case, she built up a barrier around them to prevent any unwanted visitors, then turned to Cedrik. She was much more comfortable in the Fade and knew he had no power over her there.
"You're obviously upset about what you did." She said. "What in the Maker's name were you thinking? You weren't thinking, were you? So what are we going to do about it?"
"Please... I'm so sorry..." He cried. "I don't know how to make it better... I know I can't take it back, but I would, Maker help me I would."
Claire sighed. "Maybe you can't, but I can. I'm not comfortable invading someone's head, but it's what I can think of right now to make things more tolerable. We need to be focused on the upcoming battles." He swallowed his tears and looked at her with haunted eyes.
"You mean you can make me forget." He said. "But you... you'll still remember. And every time you'd look at me, you would remember, and I wouldn't... no. Don't take my memory. I made the mistake, I should live with it."
"What were you thinking?" She asked. "Do you not know that that is the exact reason I can't be touched? Because I spent eight years experiencing that kind of torture?"
"I have no excuse." He said. "I... I guess at the time, everything was over-exaggerated to me... the alcohol, the feeling that I'm going to die soon... everything was dragging me down and you... you were taunting me, playing coy, and it made me angry. When you went limp in my arms, I realized what an idiot I was. I tried... I tried to wake you up..."
"I was in the Fade." She said. His shoulders were slumped, he had the look of a man who was ready to give up. He was going to die soon, should she just tell him it was all right? Forgive him? Or let him go to his death feeling like a complete failure? He would probably die sooner if he was depressed...
"I won't take your memory." She said. "As tempting as it is. Can we agree to move on from this then? Never speak of it again, focus only on our duties? I understand it was a mistake... I know how you feel about me, and I can feel your emotions here."
"Are you sure?" He asked. "I... I'm not used to people reacting this way."
"Maybe if we weren't surrounded by darkspawn, about to die, it would be different." She smirked. "What would make you happier? If I beat you up? If I publicly shame you? If I let you meet a friend of mine who wants to kill you?"
He jerked back a little, looking worried. "You... have a friend who wants to kill me...?"
"He managed to find me when I retreated here tonight." She said. "He said he would escape the tower and move mountains to find me if he had to. He's rather... protective."
"N-no thanks, I... I think I'm fine not meeting your friend..." Claire laughed at his expression and found she was feeling a bit better about the whole thing. He would never get to touch her again, but perhaps it wouldn't bother her so much to continue fighting alongside the Wardens.
"Too bad." She shook her head sadly. "He's pretty fun to hang out with."
"How do you know a mage from the tower?" Cedrik asked. "I thought you've never been."
"When I was on my way to Tevinter, he found me on the road and we traveled together for a ways before the Templars caught us." She said. "I managed to escape, but he was taken to the Tower. I was able to find him in the Fade and that's the way we've been talking for the past... well I guess it's nine years now. I've been saying eight, but no... it's been nine now, since I made it to Tevinter."
"He's the mage you thought had been made tranquil." Cedrik said, his voice soft and understanding. "You obviously care a great deal for him, and he for you. He is a very lucky man indeed to have had your friendship for so long."
"You're envious?" Claire raised an eyebrow.
"I can never have what he has with you." Cedrik sighed. "Especially now. I doubt you'll let me anywhere near you now. Although, now I'm not really certain I ever had your heart to begin with. He always has, hasn't he?"
Claire scoffed. "The man who flirts with everyone except me? He treats me more like a little sister than anything else, and I'm not surprised since he met me when I was fourteen."
"He probably doesn't feel like he needs to flirt with you." He said, the anger in his tone surprising Claire. "You two have known each other for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if you're perfectly comfortable with him." Claire shifted uncomfortably. While she had thought of it, she never wanted to dare hope, and after so many years, she still wasn't sure it was possible, but Anders' last words to her were bouncing around in her head. Had they been spending the past few months wanting something more, but too afraid to try for it? Or had it been going on even longer? Maybe that really was why he was so cross with her all the time, like she'd wondered about on her flight to Ostagar.
"I... don't know." She said. "Even if what you're saying is true, I don't know if I'd want to change what he and I have now. I'm beginning to think romance messes everything up."
"I want you to be happy, Claire." He said. "Yes, I'm jealous that I can't have you anymore, but that was my fault. It doesn't mean you should suffer further... I'm sorry, I wish I could change it. Not all romance is bad..."
"We're mages, me being an apostate and you a Grey Warden." She said. "It was probably a bad idea anyway. Mages shouldn't have romantic relationships. And besides, in the tower, they can't. How can an apostate have a relationship with a tower mage? I haven't even seen him in person in nine years."
Cedrik turned away, fury twisting his face. "Blighted Templars. I would rain fireballs on them all if I could. They have no right to cage us like animals, killing us whenever they feel like it."
"Is that how you were recruited?" Claire asked.
"Duncan found me... The Templars had me cornered, I was terrified and they were calling me maleficar. I didn't know what to do, they were going to kill me, but I didn't want to succumb to the calls of the demons, or blood magic. I just wanted to be free..."
"They used my friend against me, the sadistic bastard Templar told me to run or he'd kill my friend instead." She said. "So, I ran. The Templar chased me down like it was a game, pinned me down and stabbed me, leaving me to die, saying I was no better than a demon. I waited until they left to heal myself... I may have been new to my magic, but I had that much training."
"Too many of these stories don't end happily." He said. "So many times I heard the Templars talking about an apostate that they ended up killing. Gloating about how the mage had begged to live... I know it seems impossible, but please, talk to your friend. Even if it's just a relationship in the Fade, that's still something the Templars can't touch."
"I suppose I should..." She shrugged. "I'll at least think on it. You know, despite your mishap tonight, you've been a pretty good friend yourself. It was great to know you."
"I don't quite believe that, but thank you." He laughed. "We should get some actual rest before tomorrow... there's no telling what will happen."